I grew up on Nickelodeon and Disney Channel, so the latest revival of ICarly was my jam, and yes, I did watch all twenty or so hours of Quinton Reviews as he talked about ICarly, Victorious, and then Sam and Cat. If you don’t know who he is or what he does, that’s probably healthy.
It took me a while to get my hands on this book, I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy, because it didn’t just sell out, but the line for a copy from the library where I get most of my books was really really long. When I finally did get it, I read the book in a week. It’s not a long book, and many people are able to read it in a day, but the content in the book was very heavy. I had to put it down several times to process it.
It also made me quite moody and way too focused on food. Because despite it being a warning against unhealthy eating behaviors and the consequences, it takes its time getting there. It takes its time working through the recovery and healing process and all the relapses she endured before she got a better handle on it. Because it’s not really a warning, but a recount of what she went through and that’s still a valid story to write about.
I don’t usually experience uneasiness while reading, although as I get older I’m finding more and more content gives me an icky feeling. This book was even different than that though, because it’s a memoir about Jennette’s lived experience and what she went through as she grew from a child to a young adult. The beginning of the book felt more put together than the falling-apart-downward-spiral of the ending. Probably because she had so much more time to think through those memories and synthesize them into solid singular episodes that encapsulated hundreds of memories.
Writing about your own trauma and sharing it is not an easy task. I often find I’m too close to the feelings and thoughts and can’t articulate them well, or my judgment gets blurred and the story isn’t very good. But this book was very well done and it’s clear she put in a lot of work to create it and work through it.
It was written in first person present tense, very close to Jeannette as she experienced each event. Her understanding of what was happening around her stayed true to her age as the book continued, so as her mother was advising her on calorie restriction, she wrote it as she took it during that moment. So all the ideology and grooming and other thoughts and bad decisions were taken at face value until she got to a point in her life when she started therapy. And even then, it took her years to actually face it all.
This book deals with a lot, and there’s so much more I could say about it, but I only have so much space here as I’m already extending into the comments. But if you watched any of her performances as an actress or if you deal with issues like parents or parental figures who hoard or withhold love based on your behavior, or any kind of food issues or body dysmorphia, or OCD and perfectionism, then you will probably find intrigue in this book. It’s packed to the brim with everything you could possibly want to trauma bond over.
On a last note, one of the most interesting parts was to see her inner feelings about acting. She’s a brilliant actress and it seemed to come naturally to her, but to then get that glimpse into what was actually going on in her head was eye opening. She hated it. It made her even more self-conscious. And if there had to be one major takeaway from this book, then it should be that just because something appears one way doesn’t mean it was actually like that behind the scenes.
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