mahjitzi

[mahjitzi]

I cry myself to sleep every night. Then I wonder if it was all worth it. What would have happened if I had taken a different path? I left everything for him. I chose him. I want to be myself again. I guess I wouldn’t have minded that much falling if it had been for myself. What it hurts is that I’m falling for following him. And I don’t know for how much longer I’ll be able to stay. I’m really reaching my limit. I want to split up.

[mahjitzi]

the happiest day of my life...

[mahjitzi]

Last day together (P. III)

When they opened their eyes it was dark outside. It was almost midnight. T got up and searched for something on the floor. 

 “Are you leaving?” she asked. 

“No, I am going to use the toilet. I am looking for my underwear.“

“There’s no one else in the house“

T nodded and left the room. A few minutes later he was back lying by her side. He kissed her. 

“Are you sleepy?“ she asked

“No“

“Do you wanna do something? We can watch something or cook something if you are hungry. Or we can order some take away. We may still be on time.“ She asked with a super soft voice. She was scared that he may just wanted to leave now and break the magic. 

“We can order some pizza and then watch a movie?“ he said

They ordered the pizza and while they waited they discussed which movie they would watch. Eventually they kissed each other. 

When the movie finished they went back to bed. T made her love again and they finally fell deeply asleep. 

They woke up around midday. 

“Good morning“

“Morning T. What time is it?“

“Almost noon“

“Oh!“

She made her way between his arms.

“Today... I should go“

“Now?“

“No. I have to be at the station at 16.45. I’m picking my girlfriend at the station“

Suddenly she was sad and disappointed. But hid what she was feeling. 

“Well, then I have you four more hours for myself. Do you want fruit for breakfast?“

“Sure. I’ll help“

She got up and wore his blue shirt. T smiled. She went to the kitchen and started chopping fruit. She hated chopping, but at that moment she was happy. T made a stop in the toilet. 

When he came back he grabbed her from behind, hugged her waist and started kissing her neck. She was amused. 

“I’m going to cut my fingers. Get a couple of bowls“

They finished their breakfast and showered together. She fill the bath tube and they both got in. They enjoyed the fresh water while they shared this moment until their skins were full of wrinkles. When they left the bathroom they dressed up, but their clothes disappeared once more. T made her love again. 

Around four T said goodbye. She gave him the paper she had written. Once he left the house she started crying inconsolably. The fairy tale was over. She sat behind the door while she cried. She had the paper he had written. She opened it. She had to come back to reality as soon as possible, but she never imagined what the paper said. 

“I know it is not rational, but I think that even though we have met only for three days I am in love with you. I asked you to have sex with me because I wanted to see if it was the alcohol or if I really have feelings for you.“

T was walking towards the bus stop and while he waited he opened the paper. 

“I know it’s not rational, but although we’ve met for a few days, I think I have feelings for you. I said yes, because I wanted to feel and remember what I couldn’t because of the alcohol.“

[mahjitzi]

Last day together (P. II)

While she was biting some of the cake, T asked “How’s your work going?”. After she swallowed the big piece of cake in her mouth she answered “Actually, I’ve spent the whole morning watching some anime”

T smiled. 

- “Which anime?”

- “A very good one. It is based in Germany. I can recognise many of the cities even before they mention their names. It’s called Monster”. 

While she finished her cake they kept on talking about anime, movies and German cities. They stayed there talking for a while until she got up to put the dishes in the sink. Afterwards she came back to the table. 

- “Besides watching TV, I also cleaned the house. Now everything is shinny!”

She smiled. Suddenly an awkward silence appeared. T was trying to say something, but no words were coming out of his mouth. It seemed like a stroke was coming and he was quite blushed. 

- “Are you ok?” she asked

- “Yah, Uhm.. Je... I...wanted...ted to asked some-thing...”

Was he stuttering? 

- “Ok. I am listening...”

- “I don’t know how to say this, but would you have sex with me?”

She spit the drink she had in her mouth. 

- “Excuse me?”

- “Yes”

- “When? Now? Why? Is this some sort of joke?”

- “Yes, no. I mean yes now, and no it’s not a joke...”

- “What about your gf? Weren’t you very upset last time we did it because of her?”

- “Well is ju...”

- “Wait” she interrupted.

She stayed sitting contemplating her mint and refreshing drink. She wanted to do it, no doubt, but she had a crush on him. They had slept together a few days ago, and afterwards she had been feeling so miserable because he was totally  regretting for betraying his gf. And now he wanted to do it again? In her defence last time they both had been quite drunk and she couldn’t really say if it was the alcohol or if what she had felt was real. Saying yes was going to be painful especially because he was moving away in a few days, but if she said no, she was probably going to be wondering what would have happened. One day maybe she would get over him, but she will never know unless she tried. 

- “Are you gonna use me and leave me again like last Saturday?”

- “No. I never used you, but it was wrong. Probably today is also wrong, but...”

She was in silence. He didn’t finish his sentence. She knew it was wrong. She thought she knew him for years, but the truth was they had just met three days ago, and there’s no thing such as love at first sight. Although she had never felt what she had felt on Saturday, but again, maybe it was the alcohol and the situation. It was by far the funniest and best day of her life. She was in love. Clearly, he was not in love with her because well, he had a gf...

- “Ok. I’ll do it. But I want to know why you wanna do it. The truth, even it hurts. But not now”

She got up and came back with two pieces of paper and a pen. 

- “Write it down and fold it. I will write down why I am going to do it. Once you are gone I will read it, and you can take mine and read it too or not”

T started writing, just like her. They put the folded papers aside. She smiled. 

-  “And now?“ she asked. This was very awkward. 

T took her hand and together they walked to her room. They were standing in front of the bed and staring at each other’s face. T started kissing her. She felt her heart was going to leave her chest any minute now. This time they both were sober, and she wanted to enjoy everything, every second, every kiss, every breath. Even if it was just a mistake or a dream that was never going to repeat. T had placed his right hand on her left cheek and was moving it so softly she couldn’t help but to feel butterflies in her belly. His kisses were very slow and soft. His other hand was placed on her right shoulder. Little by little, without stop kissing they sat on the bed. T took her hand and slowly made her lie down on her back. Their breathing had become faster. She put both her hands around his neck. She had shrivers everywhere. T’s lips made their way down, to her neck and he unzipped her hoodie. His lips made her way to her breast. She was staring at him, smiling. She unbottoned his light blue shirt. He kept on kissing her neck, her shoulders, her breast, his lips were touching her belly, and she couldn’t help, but to laugh because of the tickles. T made love to her. It was not just sex, it was love, or that’s what she was thinking. They both enjoyed it and ended up so tired that they fell asleep hugging each other. 

[mahjitzi]

Last day together (P. I)

Someone was knocking at the door. 

It was weird. She thought. She was not expecting anyone and to her knowledge no one else in the house was expecting any delivery packages. She was sitting by the kitchen preparing a mint liquor drink with ice. She was craving for something fresh for that hot summer day. She placed the bottle aside and went to open the door. Her hair was still wet from the shower she had taken a few minutes ago. Before opening the entrance door she made sure the bathroom’s door was closed. 

T was standing by the door, backpack on shoulder and a couple of plastic bags. 

- “Hey, what’s up? how was the party?” She asked

- “Hi. It was fine. Not many people, but it was quite nice. Cake was big and lots of leftovers... I thought of bringing you some”

T’s face was a bit blushed. She was shoeless, wearing some white shorts and a thin hoodie. She moved aside for T to come in. They went to the kitchen.

She took a glass and pour some tap water. She also took a couple of plates and sat next to T. In reality she didn’t like cake, but well she was gonna give it a try. T placed a slice of cake on one of the plates and left the other empty. 

- “Only one slice? Aren’t you gonna eat?”

- “No, I ate a lot during the party. Are you alone?”

- “Yes, Ali is visiting her parents the whole week, and Sandra is on holidays in Belgium with her boyfriend.”

- “How are your feet?”

- “Still in pain, but I am trying to rest. How’s your last week in town so far? Ready to move?”

- “I still need to do some packing, but my parents will arrive on Friday to help. I’ll be gone by the weekend. My gf will arrive tomorrow in the afternoon. She’ll be here this week, and presumably will also help.”

When she heard the word girlfriend, she avoided eye contact and stared to her plate. She was about to take the first bite when she remembered something. She stood up and came back with a birthday candle: “Happy bday T!”

T was laughing. 

“Close your eyes and make a wish!“

T obeyed. 

“Blow“

The small light went off. 

[mahjitzi]

Last summer song

This morning I woke up with a song in my head. The memories it brings? A clear blue sky, not as blue as the ones you can see at the Mediterranean, but at least blue. The Sun shinning. Going out of the house is exciting, the weather is enjoyable. Early in the morning the Sun doesn't burn, but only warms up. The air is fresh. As the day goes by the weather becomes hot. But I am happy. I am shoeless. I love my job. I enjoy the breaks: to have tea and eat cake at four pm. I enjoy the chats with a very good friend. I sing that song everyday to the top of my lungs. Showers in the evening are refreshing. Far away I hear a music band. I see through the balcony while the rodents play. I feel full. I eat fruit the whole day. I love my lychees soda. I enjoy the walk to the gym. All the people I meet on the way. I feel popular. I love my belly dance lessons. The Sun beams coming to the dance room. The sound of the belly dance belt. The movements of my teacher and the flowers in her hair. I leave the house for a walk. I do the shopping for the week. I like to see which "exotic" fruits they have. I bake cakes. I love my routine, yes it is a routine, but is mine. I walk by the ice cream shop. I never sat there again. The Fridays downtown. Dinners with them. The evenings at Thanners. Our tequila nights. Our beer nights. And then the World Cup. My room. The blue shades, my blue sheets, the room with white furniture. Sitting watching Monster. The trip with my number one accomplice to Cologne, Hamburg, Hannover, Frankfurt and Dortmund. I really miss my number one accomplice. In summer time the barbecues, the bubbles, me dancing without a bra, the wine, the beer, the tequila and the bärenjäger. Singing to the top of our lungs in front of the hospital, dancing, laughing, being happy, falling in love with life, and with him.

[Translation from Spanish from an old post]

[mahjitzi]

My attacks

So I suffer from anxiety for almost ten years now. I can’t remember how it started, but I have noticed that over the years it has become stronger. Over the years I’ve learned not to fight it. However, lately my attacks are unbearable. My boyfriend has come to understand them. At the beginning it was a nightmare because he used to start telling me not to worry me and talking to me and saying lots of crap of what I had to do (he tried to analyse why I was anxious and then start telling me you should do this, and finish this and that so you don’t feel overwhelmed), and that unfortunately that was the least I wanted to hear. These days he just asks what is wrong, why I am feeling the way I feel and even though those questions still drive me crazy, I am happy he is more understanding. My family on the other side... is awful. They keep telling me is all in head, and yes it is, but is not as simple as just deleting all the thoughts that arrive at once. 

Today I’ve had a panic attack that has lasted almost the whole day. I told my brother about it and he just said that I am a hypochondriac, and yes maybe that’s true, but not today. Today I just have this irrational fear. Yes, I’ve been stressed and maybe I know what triggered it, but I don’t know how to tell my mind that I need to let things flow and that my problem is not really MY problem. Well it is, but it is totally out of my hands, I am doing my best, but the final call won’t be mind. I also know that whatever answer I get won’t be the end of the world. There are many solutions that have been discussed already, but then why, why can’t my mind accept this? 

Anyway, the reason of this post is not to try to understand the mysterious ways in which my mind works that keep it awake at night. The reason of my post is just to tell how my brother’s words made me feel. When he told me that I am a crazy hypochondriac I answered that anxiety and being  hypochondriac are not the same, but he just said that I was crazy and they are the same. This just caused me more pain. Not even one of the people I trust the most is able to see how those words affected and rather than helping, they just made me feel worse. I wish there was more awareness about anxiety. Yes, it is irrational, but people who do not know how it feels sometimes just make the anxiety more painful. Anxiety is not a joke, is an actual disease, and some people hurt more just because they lack information about it. 

[mahjitzi]

I’m sick

I’m so sick of being sick...

[mahjitzi]

nightmare

I have been away for so long. I think my inspiration have been lost. 

Maybe one day I’ll go back to be myself. In the mean time memories will remain. 

[mahjitzi]

Unspoken words

I would give anything to be with you right now, I would give anything to be in your arms and having your soft lips going through my body. The spell you put on me was so strong. I fell for you as I had never fallen for anybody. You arrive in the worst moment but at the same time it was also the best moment. I say the worst because I am a mess and you had to go through all my bad times, from the very beginning you knew all my bad stages; and still you stayed. I say it was also the best time because you made me feel safe, all my insecurities went away, I didn’t feel alone anymore. I wish you could have known me in my best moments. I know nobody has best moments all the time, but at least I would have liked that you knew my best face; me enjoying life, because I do it sometimes. It is not fair for you to be with someone so screwed like me. That’s why I’m not any longer with you. I love you that much that I prefer to have you happy than me being happy with you. I want you to find someone less messed up. Someone who can run miles with you, someone who hop on the adventures you want to have. I’m sorry I cannot be that somebody. I’m sad to see you here taking care of me instead of going out to enjoy the few good and sunny days. I hate to feel like this. I would do anything for you sweetie, I know you don’t know but I’ve fought battles for you. And my love for you is so strong and that is why I am letting you go. 

[mahjitzi]

Sadly in my mind our story doesn’t have a happy ending...

[blackcardmotel]

how to tell if I'm sad again

•I don’t respond to your texts for days

•I don’t respond to your texts for hours

•I don’t respond to your texts at all

•I respond with short answers

•I sound disinterested in our conversations, texting or not

•I don’t eat/drink/talk as much as usual

•I stare out into space more than often

•I stay in one place/a few places for long periods of time without moving v much

•I lose track of time

•I rub my head/eyes as if I have a migraine

•I talk more quietly than normal

•I don’t talk abt myself at all

•I make cynical comments, especially abt my existence

•I sleep too much or too little

this is not just me, though. these are common signs/things to be aware of and look for in people/friends/family members struggling w depression. stay safe, and stay aware.

[mahjitzi]

stars

call me a romantic but i kinda like to have a quiet night just staring the dark sky

[mahjitzi]

out of my mind

There she was staring at the window. Outside the temperature had dropped a few degrees. The wind was hitting the trees, she could even hear it, whistling. The usual gray clouds on the sky had become darker. A thunderbolt had made an appearance. Rain had begun. A realisation had came to her mind: yes, it was her, and yes, it was him. He was the first guy who hadn’t felt intimidated by her lifestyle; actually this time, for the first time she felt if not a bit intimidated, at least even. He was the first guy who didn’t get scared and run away. That was maybe the reason why she couldn’t get him out of her mind. A tear came out from her right eye. 

[mahjitzi]

Crees que solo te quiero para una vez, pero sabes qué, dos estaría bien...

[mahjitzi]

when in Rome

I wanna go back to what I had, to what we almost had. That amazing chaotic city where you and I met. To the sunny days, to the cobbled streets. To that green Villa, to the romantic city, the monuments, the history, there, where I never got bored... but specially where you are.

[mahjitzi]

Awolnation - Kill Your Heroes Lyrics

Love This Song :)

Never let your fear decide your fate