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@maleficarights
sex is an intimate and sacred act. your body is a temple and you should not share it with someone who likes anders
me: starts getting excited for dragon age 4
me to me, immediately:
The true dragon age inquisition experience no matter how many times youâve played it already
spending at least half an hour choosing your race/gender/class/speciality
spending an hour actually making your inquisitor
overexposured Leliana face (how did they get it that white)
*herald ate a very sour lemon while running towards the bridge and fell*
unnecessary loud bridge collapse
âthe magic here is unlike any iâve seenâ r u sure about that Solas
i just want to secure some horses to the inquisition and need to kill the wolves i donât wanna deal with that level million rift
find a passage to the wolf cave from the witchwood and realize your life is lie
I JUST WANT TO GET THE FINAL CAMP ON THE HILL AND THEREâS THREE BEARS
âwe just opened them up, with äxesâ
why are you greatly disapproving me iâm right mages should be free
âi canât come in unless you openâ aw cole
*montage to killing templars and failing to save anyone in haven because you have a bad eyesight and didnât notice the woman under all the planks*
âwow i didnât remember corypheus was that tallâ
*causes and avalanche that busies all of Haven* they did that
unnecassarily long slow walk through the snow
the legend says once you gain the quest âto lure a dragonâ all quillbacks and phoenixes disappear from the world in matter of milliseconds
where ht e F u CK IS THE LAST TRAP
HOW THE FUCK IS CLAREL STILL ALIVE W HT A THE FCKU
the fact that you canât accidentally walk in a dragon fight
except the one in crestwood please i just want to seal the rift
Continuously pressing the skip button through the unskipable 20 minute long segment of singing, finding skyhold, then becoming Inquisitor
Wasting money on a ton of schematics you will never use
Ditto for mounts
Collecting all the elfroot (and iron) every time you visit Haven so you donât have to worry about it for the rest of the game
Playing The Floor is Lava in The Fallow Mire except the floor is water and the lava is unlimited zombies
Except your companions donât know the rules
Spamming these bad boys when hiking cross country
And using them to launch yourself off ledges to see how far you can fly
Saving your super abilities for when you really need them and then end up never using them
Bull is out again
Cole is out again
Parkouring your way up to horribly placed shards
âFuck that shardâ
Forgetting this isnât Skyrim and insisting your mount can climb a mountain
âThis should hold back the darkspawnâ âŚYou sure about that
Wondering if youâve got the banter bug and just when youâre getting on a mount your companions start talking before cutting off
Sighing deeply as you run forever and ever through the whole lot of nothing in the Hissing Wastes
Playing Hide and Seek with giants in the Emerald Graves
Accidentally hitting brontos when fighting said giants and now youâve got two giants and seven brontos and all you wanted to do was to grab some landmarks damnit
Taking advantage of the no fall damage at Skyhold
Ignoring fall damage everywhere else
Travelling across the Waking Sea all the way to Kirkwall to adjust the opacity of your eyeshadow because holy shit it was definitely not that strong in the CC
two characters who have Seen Some Shit, the first time they Do It: identify and kiss each otherâs scars in order to affirm the fact that they are here now together and Still Alive
me every time:Â
sure yâall can say âdragon age: donât trust the apostate!!â but andy pandy blew up a church and scrambled egghead wants to tear down the veil whereas morrigan saved alistair/loghain AND your ungrateful warden ass from death and after that did nothing that even warrants her being roped in the same category as these two.
THANK YOU Iâm always so confused when people say that, how the hell did Morrigan fuck any of you over?
I am too attached for my own good.
No matter how bad things get, you got to go on living, even if it kills you.
Sholom Aleichem (via koudelka)
Martin Creed
Me as a parent: If you want to cast curses and summon demons with your friends, I'd prefer if you did it at home where I know you're safe.
what she says: I'm fine
what she means: I am still very angry that Merrill was not the expert on elven lore in inquisition. she spent her whole life desperately trying to educate herself on the old ways, and this could have shown serious character development. I love morrigan but Merrill was meant for that role, that should have been Merrill in the temple of mythal, arguing with the dread wolf, calling solas out because she would have 100% known that some weird shit was going on. I will literally never get over this, this is the most missed opportunity that has ever been missed.
Iâve just seen the most incredibly wrong thing about Zevran on my dash and I need to say something.
Zevran was groomed from childhood to be a killer. He had no choice in the matter. Kill or be killed, that was his life.
Now I see where people would be coming from, saying heâs done so without remorse if they never bothered to get to know him, but hereâs the thing. He takes an impossible mission to kill two Grey Wardens, who are famed warriors of great skill and are not to be trifled with. I say impossible because thatâs what he wanted. He didnât want to succeed. He wanted to die. Your character sparing him is a mercy he neither expected nor wanted when it was given.
If you go down his romance path, or even just get to know him well enough to get him to stay after Taliesen confronts you, you would know this. You would know he does this because heâs filled with a profound guilt after he allowed Taliesen to murder the woman he loved because he trusted the wrong man. He laughed and spit on her corpse and when he found out he was wrong, he became suicidal. That is not the reaction of a person who lacks remorse.
And frankly, with this in mind, his humor is no longer the trait of a callous person. Itâs the defense mechanism of a person so broken by what his past made him that he has literally zero faith in himself as a person. He canât see himself as a good person, he hates himself for what he did. Heâs aloof in his interactions with the Warden because he doesnât think they would believe him.
LIke at the end of the day, Zevran did shitty things, but those things tore him apart. Heâs not happy with himself and it takes the literal entire game, which spans the course of a year, to believe himself worthy of love or respect.
And thatâs it, really.Â
Zevran was as much a slave as Fenris ever was.
He was literally bought. For coin. He tells you how much. Then he was tortured, broken, and trained to be what the Crows wanted him to be. There were eighteen recruits bought by the Crows the same year as Zevran. Two survived. Two. One of those other survivors is Taliesin, aka the closest thing Zev has to a friend if the warden doesnât befriend him, aka the guy he has to decide to kill if he wants to stay with you.
When Zevran wanted to leave the Crows, they tried to kill him.
And it makes me so mad because the ONLY reason people donât realize this is because Zevran downplays this and always insists that his situation could have been worse. He was one of two kids who survived horrific torture and he thinks that makes him lucky, because he survived. He got bought for three sovereigns by a criminal organization and he thinks that makes him lucky, because other kids who were in a similar position ended up suffering even worse fates.
What doubly pisses me off about it, though, is that Zevranâs natural personality - the one that starts to sneak through when heâs not around the Crows any more - is fantastic.
Like, okay. This is Zevran. Talking to the Dog:
Zevran: I noticed some dog drool in my pack this morning.
Dog: (Happy bark!)
Zevran: Not that I like to make accusations. And I even appreciate the artistry behind a good burgle when I see it, to tell the truth. But leaving all that drool as evidence? Sloppy.
Dog: (Happy bark!)
Zevran: Iâll take that as an apology.
Dog: (Happy bark!)
Zevran: Iâm so glad youâre pleased. It really is quite something to find such enthusiasm in oneâs companions.
Dog: (Ecstatic bark!)
Zevran: I agree. Go, team. Hurrah.
I just⌠he is like that. He makes jokes and pleasant conversation and waggles his eyebrows and if left to his own devices and not asked to kill people, he is ridiculously sweet.
Wynne tries on numerous occasions to get him to talk about feeling guilty over his past, and he rebuffs her by commenting on her bosom⌠but to the Warden, he actually will open up, and admit that he feels so guilty he tried to commit suicide.
The truth is, Zev wants very desperately to get away from the Crows. He just doesnât know what heâll do with himself when that happens, necessarily, whether or not he can do something other than what heâs been trained for, and if he can actually process his guilt over his past without wanting to die. Like a lot of people stuck between becoming a total monster to survive or being killed over matters of conscience, heâs taken a third option: lying.
Itâs probably worth noting that Zevran is one of the few characters whose dialogue can completely fail to reflect his approval losses. He can cheerfully converse with the warden while you ding yourself down and down and youâd never know if you didnât have the counter telling you so. Because he is wary of you.
You literally have his life in your hands. Heâs an escaped slave whoâs been taught his only value is as a killing tool, and his life literally rides on how useful you find him.
So then if, on paper, his primary use to you is as a Person Who Kills Stuff, why would he ever confess to having reservations about killing within earshot of a warden he doesnât completely trust?
Some more of those travelling Keeper headcanons, because seriously, you wouldnât believe how many problems these guys solve:
The reason weâve never heard of them in-game is quite simply that a bunch of mages, travelling alone or in tiny groups, who act as the backbone of Dalish society are really vulnerable to Templars. The Dalish would rather let humans continue believing that exile nonsense than risk the Chantry completely crippling their communications network in a single generation - which it could do, if it tried. Lavellanâs âWe gave them to other clans, orâŚâ line is them nearly breaking silence, catching themself, and stopping just in time.
They carry news between clans - everything from âSo-and-so has had a babyâ to âThe Grey Wardens request our help to fight the Blight; the army meets at Redcliffe in four monthsâ. They also ferry clan members between clans, if a swap is taking place, and valuable artefacts between clans, if somebody wants to borrow somebody elseâs arulinâholm.
They act as independent judges during times when a clanâs Keeper is too involved to be neutral, or when there is a dispute between two clans who canât reach an amicable settlement on their own.
Some of the braver (or perhaps stupider) ones will venture into alienages periodically to perform marriage, birth and death rites. Needless to say, theyâve been avoiding Kirkwall in recent years.
Also, you know, sometimes Dalish kids elope and need a priest.
They take on apprentices, when there are children in need of training. Some of the really brave/stupid ones will even smuggle mage kids out of alienages before the Templars come down on their heads. (These kids, in turn, often grow up to be the ones whoâll wander back into alienagesâŚ)
They also take on clans in the case of a Keeper, First and Second all dying, or if the only clan mage left standing is too young to take on full responsibilitiesâŚ
âŚon which note, yes, they can do vallaslin too.
There are Dalish myths about them - both the normal kind of myths, in which they are usually total badasses, and the urban legend kind, the âI hear they have somewhere secret to go to commune with the godsâ kind. They actually donât, but hey, a little mystique is good for the image.
Donât ever raise your blade to a travelling Keeper. They bear a vast, sacred burden, and the least we can do is treat them with utmost respect. If you really think oneâs possessed, then youâd better have some damn solid proof.
Okay, but I really love this idea, because not only does this solve so many of the stupid, lore breaking problems that popped up when they introduced the âthree mage limitâ thing, but itâs also explains a lot of the more handwavy aspects of Dalish culture:
Wandering Keepers organizing Arlathvhens, passing word between clans like âHey, so the big meetingâs gonna take place in the Brecilian forest exactly in five months, you in?â, and then acting as mediators and repositories of knowledge for the those who canât make it. Cause you know that a Keeper up in the Anderfels isnât gonna drag their clan on some three month journey to the Kokari Wilds, just to spend two weeks arguing over whether or this chamberpot was dedicated to June, or Syliase. Theyâll still want to know what went down, of course, which is where these guys come in.
Wandering Keepers who act as walking libraries, who transcribe books and scrolls and maps that have weathered the ages to the point of near illegibility, and make sure every clan has written copies of their legends and histories - because they know better than anyone else that oral tradition alone isnât going to keep after one hundred, two hundred, five hundred years.Â
Theyâre also census takers for the clans. No one really knows for sure how many Dalish elves are wandering around Thedas, but these guys will be able to give you a damn good estimate. And if it looks like a clan has shrunk past the point sustainability, theyâll step in and negotiate with other clans whoâve got too many mouths to feed, or too many orphans after their run-in with that asshole Lord So-and-Soâs hunting party.Â
Maybe some even act as rudimentary genealogists, who can tell you which family line is most likely to produce a mage child, or whether thereâs any risk of inbreeding in inter-clan marriages, because this guyâs grandmotherâs half-brother is actually her fatherâs father, who ran away and married into the clan two generations ago.
âSome of the really brave/stupid ones will even smuggle mage kids out of alienages before the Templars come down on their heads.â I am willing to bet cold, hard cash that this is what started the whole âthe Dalish will steal/eat your babiesâ legend. (Besides, yaâknow, good old fashioned racism superstition). Some stranger shows up one day in the alienage, looking and smelling like they havenât left the woods in years, drops mystical knowledge in your lap, and then vanishes a couple days later with several young children in tow? The elves will know what went down, but to any humans who might be watching, itâll look like someone straight up absconded with a bunch of their kids, and everyone was too terrified of this mysterious wanderer and their secretive order to even consider standing up to them.Â