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Amanda Jensen. 19. Northern California. I take photos, manage a smoothie shop, make coffee at a popular coffee chain, and order things online too much (waaay too much). Inspired by everything. This is where I spill everything.

[mandysperspective]

4.9.14

Today's the 6th anniversary of the first time I saw Paramore live :)

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I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing bc I'm literally so unattached, but I just walked in my front door at 2 am with a ton of hickies on my neck... I just met you and I promised myself I didn't want to be with anyone until I found someone special. You're not that special person, but I really just wanted a little confidence boost, so I drove back to your house after I had already left of boredom 10 minutes before. You walk over to me and kiss me and grab me and it's sooooo nice. Things led to other things and next thing I know my entire chest/neck/face are throbbing and I'm slightly unsatisfied, but it's okay. I had a good time and damn you're attractive. I wasn't looking for some type of deep satisfactory feeling when it was over like you'd filled any gaps. It was what it was and I'm cool with it. 

sidenote: Laughing super hard bc he's a waiter at my mom's favorite restaurant and he's 22 and really hot.... Idk about you but this sounds a shit ton like the guy I hooked up with back in November who was also 22, a waiter at a really good restaurant, and was really hot... I mean, I'm not opposed to this *sunglasses emoji* but wtf why are all of these hot guys all over me i dont get it yet i love it

side-sidenote: I got his last name. It's Scar. S C A R. 

last sidenote: i smell like your cologne and I'm going to have 50 million fucking hickies and my mom is going to be fucking shocked and weirded out i just know it

[mandysperspective]

3/28/14

Today was a rollercoaster... I got fired from my main job for complete biased and bullshit reasons that were unfair and I'm pretty sure illegal, but that place was a disaster waiting to happen and I wasn't happy there anyways with all of the corrupt shit going on. Blessing in disguise I guess. I'm just nervous about what's going to happen about all of the friends I made there. And the guy I have a thing with. I'm going to a party with all of them tomorrow night and I'm hoping I can get some closure with them since it'll be the last time I'll ever see probably most of them.

I just want to know if him and I are going to be alright. Or if we'll even continue to keep in contact.... I didn't want to have to deal with that type of decision. I'm not ready.

[mandysperspective]

3/18/14

I am very frustrating with my own feelings. I wish I could look at this situation and be like "haha you're a loser i'm glad i dont care about this" but I do!! And it's so irritating!!! I've realized the only reason I don't want to cut him off, is because it's soooo nice to always have someone around who wants you, and unfortunately that feeling stands over the fact that he treats me like shit and wow I hate that I put up with it. But I do it because I like having someone around, even if they suck, I just try and ignore the fact that they suck. 

I just wish that it was easier for me to cut people off and I'm truly working on it, it's just a huge work in progress right now and it's still frustrating that I can't do it just yet. 

And I was doing so well too when he wasn't around. I saw him around here and it didn't bother me anymore. But the second he gets back into contact with me, he's back around and it bothers me again knowing that he still hangs out with his ex. I just don't want to handle this anymore.

It was so much easier when he was nonexistent. 

[mandysperspective]

3/15/14

I'm so frustrated and worried and upset. My fucking car isn't starting and I've got 2 days off where it could get looked at and fixed in that time but nobody is available to look at it before Monday and I work every day this week. Like how the hell am I supposed to get to work if I don't have a car?! I asked my dad that and his response was "i dont know"... he doesn't work and neither does his wife and he can't help me out by taking me to work a few times and just charge me for gas? Are you serious? 

I just don't have the money to be dealing with any car problems right now and I'm so terrified that I won't be able to afford Columbia in the Fall. If I can't go to Columbia, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't have a backup plan that I'm okay with. I could just keep going to community college and study something plain but thats just complete bullshit!!! It's probably one of the cheapest places I can go to get my degree in my major and yet I still can't afford it. How the fuck is that fair?! What am i supposed to do? Study a major I don't fucking want? BUt what other choice will I have? 

I have an overwhelming amount of anxiety right now I just wish things could fucking work out and not be so damn difficult all of the time

[mandysperspective]

3/6/14

I'm starting not to like myself again and I don't want to feel that way for any reason because there really is no reason for me to feel that way. I'm just becoming paranoid about people liking and not liking me and it's so stupid. I can remember a time a little while ago where I didn't care about that one single bit and I was so much happier. I let guys into my life who I shouldn't have and I let them tear me down. I want to feel like I did again but I know I need to do some personal work. I just want to get myself together again. 

[mandysperspective]

3/1/14

I liked you because we could actually have intelligent conversations. You had excellent grammar. You were smart. You had huge goals...ones I know you'll achieve. You had great taste in music. You believed in things whole-heartedly. I've never met someone like you. 

You're going to make someone very, very happy one day and it's okay that that isn't me. Sometimes fate brings us to certain people to learn things about ourselves. This time it was to show me that I deserve someone like you.

[mandysperspective]

2/26/14

For C, 

All I want to do is listen to Young The Giant’s Mind Over Matter but all it does is bring back everything about you because that was our thing. We loved that band. I know you still do as do I. Every song I hear I remember little things you’d say or things you’d do and it fucking hurts. I remember when you were here and you kissed me and felt me like you wanted me. That’s all I can think about and it replays over and over in my head, and then I remember you leaving. I remember you walking out my front door without even looking at me, telling me you were sorry.

It hurts me knowing that we couldn’t work, that you felt so good for me and yet you’re not here. 

I tried to listen to it but it’s just too fucking hard. This is too fucking hard. 

[mandysperspective]

Week in photos

[mandysperspective]

2/23/14 (latepost)

The past 24 hours have been spent with friends and I'm so happy about it. I really missed hanging out with people 24/7. Then they took me to a party last night which was super fun but I may have smoked a little too much so I was pretty zoned out haha. BUT, boy was texting me when it was getting pretty late and we just kept texting and it kept getting better and we texted until 6 am this morning.....meaning I got 3 hours of sleep. But it was so worth it. I hope I can see him tonight :))))

[mandysperspective]

2/24/14

Last night was really really difficult. It was confusing and hurtful and it sucked. I'm feeling a little better today, but it's going to bother me for a while. 

I was honestly flattered you came a such a long way to come and see me and it made me really happy. I got to see last night that you're really such a genuine and nice guy, despite what happened. It sucks that it had to happen that way but I just hope you don't feel as bad, because i'll be fine. I just hope you are. You're going to make someone so happy one day. 

On another note, I told L about him this morning because I was just in a shitty mood and I couldn't stop thinking about it and naturally he got the answer out of me. I wasn't even sure i wanted to tell him because i didn't know how it was going to make him feel.... he kept getting me to talk about it because he's a dummy and is too curious, but then I started opening up and talking about it and then he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't want to hear about it, insinuating that he still has feelings for me. I tried to ask him if he still does and he kept putting off the question and then said no, but I honestly don't believe him, which puts me in an awkward situation... I just told him all about someone I had sex with last night and now he decides to awkwardly show he still cares. He was all over me today.... I just need him to make up his mind because i'm not playing these stupid games anymore with him. 

But then he goes and confuses me yet again and keeps asking me about C last night and like reverts the conversation back to him and the subject of sex so obviously i'm like what is going ooonnnnn. Oh god and then he was like "can you imagine if you and I had sex?" like COME ON DUDE OMG and then he was like whipping me with the little strings on his apron and i told him to quit it and then, while looking me straight int he face, told me he was going to strap and bondage me up and whip me IM NOT EVEN KIDDING. After he said that he wasn't even really like "haha just kiddingggg" he just like played it off and after I was like "omg ___ shut up i'm sorry I ever told you I liked that stuff" and his answer was "what? i like it too?" like i'm done omg i cannot

[mandysperspective]

2/21/14

It's usually protocol for me to get way too attached way too soon to people whom I start to like. I'm trying so so hard to make sure that I don't do that with him. I like what this is so far and I don't want to ruin anything for myself because I've done that too many times in the past. I don't want to ruin anything good anymore.

[mandysperspective]

2/19/14

I'm really needy. Like stupid annoying needy. If you're going to give me any sort of attention, I need it a lot or I get lonely and think you don't care. It's dumb and I hate it and I wish it wasn't that way. It just feels like everyone else is always wanted more than I am in some sense. At this point, I have such little interaction with friends on a daily basis, I'm going crazy. I'll send and receive a few snapchats and texts a day but an in-person connection means so much more to me; another reason I want to meet C in person so much. 

In August, my mom moved away, leaving me to live with my Dad for a few months while I went to school taking the maximum amount of units and working 20-25 hours a week. I was busy, but I was also really reallllly lonely. I missed my mom and dog and my friends. I thought that when i moved back in with my mom, things would be different, I wouldn't feel that way anymore. I've realized more as times goes on, I'm still just as lonely as I was when she first moved. My friends and I all have our own lives and it's hard to make time for other people. My best friend lives in San Francisco and if she was here, I'd be with her every day all of the time... but she's not. And I'm drifting away from my other really close friend and I'm really bummed about that. I've tried really hard to keep her around but she just does not seem to care, and I can't force her to. 

All in all, I'm really fucking lonely and I'm not sure how to fix it or if I can ever get used to it. I just want to go get stoned and listen to Balance to try and distract myself but I can't even do that. I need some way to get around this or deal with it, it's driving me crazy. 

[mandysperspective]

2/18/14

i have so much anxiety about this. C’s great, and I want to meet him, but I’m so nervous to. Do I tell him about Chicago? Do I want to know the things he does? I don’t want to mess anything up because this could turn into something really great, but I feel like I’m too needy for most people. Like, I need constant reassurance that you care about me or else I think you don’t. Which is really stupid, but considering the amount of fake people and rejection I’ve gone through, it makes sense. I’m just nervous and anxious is all. Plus his birthday is tomorrow. He's going to get so fucked up and idk, I'm not sure I want to know about it? He's doing the same thing on Friday and I'm just like how about you don't tell me about it because if you hooked up with any girls, I do not want to know out of jealousy and insecurity. If you like me, you will not tell me how you hooked up with other people, like you've already done once :/ 

But I’m also laughing. C asked me if I’d want to go on a date with him last night and of course I said yes. It’d be great. And then this morning, L texts me out of no where. It’s not weird that we’re talking because we talk at work constantly, but he’s NEVER texted me just to talk before. And he also asked a friend of mine if he liked me, which subtly sounds like he’s trying to hide that he may still like me. I could be overthinking that part, but it would make some sense. I’m just laughing at the timing of all of this. I swear every time I become interested in a different person than before, the other one talks to me like the next day. This is like the 2nd or 3rd time this has happened. It makes me so confused and uuuuugh.

Also I start at Starbucks tomorrow morning yaaa wooooooo

[mandysperspective]

i'm so mad at myself.

[mandysperspective]

2/17/14

It shouldn't matter to me as much as it does, but it's been driving me crazy since he said it this morning. He told me he notices how often I try and avoid eye contact. I can only keep it for a second or two without looking away. I can't help but wonder if that's maybe why I feel like I give off a particular vibe to some people? Or why when guys get interested in me they become uninterested because I can't keep eye contact? Idk. He was saying how he really appreciates when he can look into a girl's eyes and really see her, and that just felt like a stab to the heart because I can't/didn't do that.... Actually, he keeps mentioning all of these little things that apparently I don't do that he likes when girls do and shit like that and they just feel like sly little digs towards me because I fucked things up with us and he's saying all of that to make me feel bad about it. It fucking sucks and I wish he'd stop. 

The whole situation sucks. He's not going to be around as much anymore because he got a second job somewhere else and I'm just over here like ok cool now that we've established that I like you and you don't like me anymore that way but you seriously act like it, now you're not going to be around enough to even figure it all out. I wish you'd stop playing games and just admit what's going on here already because I'm going crazy trying to figure it out myself.

[mandysperspective]

Note to self: do not read posts from last week or you'll start crying. Ok. Don't.

[mandysperspective]

2/15/14

I'm not sure if thigs are okay or not. I mean, I guess they are? But only because nothing "bad" in particular has happened. All I've been thinking about lately is an opportunity I missed to be with someone I care about and it sucks, but it's helping me realize maybe he isn't someone I really want to be with. I'm trying to stick with "everything happens for a reason" but it's so frustrating when the other option matters so much to me. I don't even know what side of that I'm on. I'm bummed about it, but I'm trying to be positive about it I guess. On the other hand, I'm working 40+ hours this week and I'm excited about that. Hours=money for Chicago. Chicago=future.