perhaps love
pairing: jungkook x (f) reader
summary: for as long as you can remember, you have been in love with your childhood friend turned roommate, but jeon jungkook remains oblivious even when he comes to comfort and help you sleep every night.
genre/tags: fluff, friends to lovers, unrequited love, angst, hurt & comfort, mentions of drinking & insomnia
word count: 12.5 k
a/n: no matter how many times i tear this story down, it will always come back swinging. perhaps love was the very first fic i wrote for the fandom and this story means a ton.
For as long as you could remember, you had loved Jungkook with all of your heart.
But the reality is, love seemed out of reach, a far stretch. Not when Jungkook was first and foremost your best friend.
The whole apartment was surrounded by darkness, except for the pure moonlight that seeped through your bedroom window. Your room was your favorite place in the world-- away from everyone, just you and the stillness. You had really bad sleeping habits and your insomnia has gotten worse over time. You tried everything to fall asleep, including hot showers and scented candles. Nothing worked⊠except for Jungkook.
Jungkook usually played games into the night as his own way to unwind from the stress of being one of the most sought-after graphic artists. When heâs not holding the console, heâs nose deep into his computer or tablet, illustrating his next commission. He just submitted his drafts for his latest clientâs marketing kit a few hours prior so he could afford to while away his time tonight. He walked to the kitchen to grab another can of beer when he saw your bedroom door slightly ajar. He padded his way through the hall and leaned against the doorframe, watching your peaceful expression
âCanât sleep?â
You turned your head in the direction of the bedroom door. Jungkookâs gentle voice that echoed through the quiet of their shared apartment was his other favorite place in the world.Â
âItâs always hard.â
Jungkook pushed the door further and went inside. You two had been living together for almost two years and Jungkook already knew the layout of the space like the back of his hand. He set the unopened beer can on the bedside table and went under the duvet with you. It had always been this simple-- it was either Jungkook grabbed an extra beer can and share it with you or coaxed you to sleep entirely. Tonight, it was the latter. Jungkook ran a hand up and down your back.
You felt a pang inside your chest. It was barely there but still felt. Tonight was different, lonelier. You closed your eyes, thinking that maybe this was just how it had to be.
âTell me what you need,â Jungkook muttered.
âGgukâŠâ you started. Jungkook hummed, ever so kind, so patient. âCan you help me sleep?â
Years of friendship made words between you comfortable and safe. Your insomnia started right around the time your dance studio was gaining more enrollees and by the end of a year, you already needed to hire a few more dancers and bigger studio space. Jungkook was there to witness all your hard work, sleepless nights trying to perfect a routine you had to teach every week. Jungkook was there to help you through the breakdowns and occasionally had to endure your spats, to which you apologized for with ramen and kimbap.Â
You and Jungkook go way back, but tonight itâs just the two of you and your shared present. Jungkook helped you lay down on the bed and your heart swelled . Jungkook lay on his side as he gently guided you to face him. In the calm of the night, you saw stars in Jungkookâs eyes. You willed yourself not to speak for fear of breaking the moment. Jungkook started to caress your cheek ever so lightly, eyes falling close as you reveled in the softness of how Jungkook took care of you. As Jungkook continued to comfort you, he started singing your favorite sleep song.
now playing:Â watch you sleep. by girl in red
Jungkookâs melodious voice rang through the room with much reverence. You both find yourselves busy in life, but you always, always come back home to each other-- and that thought makes your heart ache so much more. Tonight might be lonely, but you also treasured moments like this when you allowed yourself to surrender, to take pleasure in being with Jungkook. By the time he finished the song, you were already fighting to stay awake.
I want to be with you for longer. Â
âWhat about your game, Gguk?â
âI will play another round before I go to bed. Right now, youâre more important.â Jungkook tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear. âIâll stay with you for as long as you need me to.â
âGguk-ah.â
A smirk found its way into Jungkookâs pretty lips. He knew what was coming next.
âCan you stay?â
It felt like the whole room stilled ten times over.
âI mean⊠just for tonight,â you quickly added, worried you mightâve said the wrong thing too late.
Jungkook gently got up from the bed and walked out the door, leaving you to wonder if you messed up. Yeah, you did , you thought. Was it that easy to mess things up? Was Jungkook really that uninterested? As you listened to Jungkookâs footsteps, you also heard the gameplay music coming from the living room abruptly stop. A few objects were heard being moved around until Jungkookâs footsteps once again became louder.Â
Jungkook said nothing as he closed the door to your bedroom, his weight sinking into the other side of the bed.Â
Oh, he came back, your mind dumbly said.
It was always familiar, that feeling of Jungkook being too close. You wished it never had to end. Jungkook slid an arm under you and the other caged you in closer to his chest. He dropped a light kiss to the top of your head and picked up where his hands left offâ grazing your spine.Â
âAre you cold?â
You swore you heard Jungkook smile through his words.
âNo. The duvet can cover us both, I think.â
âHmm. Iâll hold you through the night in case the duvet falls.âÂ
Jungkook placed another feathery kiss on your forehead. A few seconds seemed to have passed with nothing but comfortable silence, two hearts beating for one another.
âGoodnight, Jungkook.âÂ
You felt Jungkookâs hold on you grow tighter.
âGoodnight, ____.âÂ
The morning after was both the easiest and hardest thing you had to face because it was either you woke up to Jungkook still peacefully sleeping beside you or to an already empty bedside.Â
This time around, Jungkook was already awake and smiling.
Smiling.
You thought it to be so endearing and cruel of him at the same time. Jungkook never watched you sleep before.Â
Chuckling probably because he saw your wide eyes, he asked, âDid you sleep well?â
You shifted before nodding with a small smile. âHow about you?â
âLike a baby.â
You chuckled too as he yawned and stretched. Youâre so beautiful like this.
âWhat do you want for breakfast, ___?â
âDo we still have eggs?â
Jungkook nodded, âand bacon, too.â
âUgh, heaven on earth. Iâll have both, please.â
Jungkook smiled warmly like he was the soft morning light himself, âIâll whip us some pancakes, too.â
You nodded, yawning a second time. You got up to brush your teeth and do the usual morning skincare routine. As you stared at yourself through the mirror, you thought about how you could feel so content living with Jungkook like thisâ peaceful with endless possibilities.Â
You realized your love for Jungkook on a rainy day when both of you were supposed to try and fly the kites you made over Gwangalli beach in Busan. You remember feeling bummed out because Jungkook put so much hard work into making those kites, only to be destroyed by a sudden downpour. Youâd expected Jungkook to be upset as well, but to your surprise, Jungkook pulled you into the pouring rain to dance. He always did that. You thought he was crazy for doing so, but you went along with your fifteen-year-old friendâs absurd idea.Â
It was a good thing you let yourself be pulled into pouring rain by Jeon Jungkook⊠because from then on, your love for him just grew. Blossomed like the spring flowers on a cool afternoon.
You were pulled out from your memories when you heard a phone ring. You quickly finished combing your hair and went out of the room, feeling hopeful about breakfast.
â...hyeong, Iâm not sure if this is a good idea.â
It was Jungkook speaking to someone on the other end of the line. He had his AirPods on as he waited for the bacon to turn crispyâ just the way you liked it. You sat down across from Jungkook on the kitchen counter and he gave you a small smile, even though his eyebrows were furrowed.
âOkay, fine, fine, Iâll go⊠Iâll see you later.â Jungkook tapped the right AirPod twice, ending the call. You could tell something was off.Â
âEverything okay?â
Jungkook didnât answer right away as he transferred the bacon onto a plate with paper towels. âYeah, that was Yoongi hyeongâ
âOh great, are you guys meeting up later?â You tried to make light of the situation, but could already feel the other shoe was about to drop.
Youâve always had that lingering anxiety at the pit of your stomach whenever you were with Jungkook. It co-exists, always present as your love for him. Itâs the product of a love unreciprocated.
Jungkook hummed, too concentrated on the eggs in front of him. âHyeong set me up on a date with someone.â
âOhâŠâ
Jungkook kept his head down as he cooked, but you didnât miss how he looked up briefly at you the moment the small surprise left your lips.
âThatâs great, Jungkook. Isnât it? Itâs about time you tried dating again.âÂ
The morning was already starting to crumble right before you could even get through breakfast.
âYeah, I⊠I think itâd be fun. Iâll see how it goes.â
You have seen Jungkookâs fair share of dating experiences over the course of your friendship. He never brought anyone home to your apartment, but you almost always witnessed how fleeting his dates were. It wasnât as if Jungkook didnât like them, itâs just that he prioritized his work more than the possibility of finding love. The last one Jungkook dated was like a tornado in human form. You remembered how happy he always seemed to be after their dates. Heâd tell you about how she made him want to come out of his shell more and that maybe, just maybe she could be the one. You were happy for his best friend then, you always were. But you were also heartbroken seeing your childhood love date other people, let alone look at them differently. You had only met the girl onceâ and you immediately understood why Jungkook liked her. Kind, charming, and passionate about art and life. An advocate for womenâs rights, a cat lover.Â
Everything that you didnât seem to be.
You donât know how the relationship ended, though. Thatâs the thing about Jungkookâ with you, he was magic and light, wild and full of compassion, but when it came to sharing his feelings, he always had a hard time expressing them. You are as patient as ever though, never pushing Jungkook to emotional places where he didnât want to be.Â
You will always wait for Jungkook. But is it worth it?
âYou should really get out of the house, Jungkook. Go and have fun. Your art will be waiting for you here at home,â you tried to smile as Jungkook handed you your breakfast request.
âYou sound like you really want me out of the house, ____.â Jungkook teased.
You dramatically sighed, threw in a slight roll of your eyes for good measure, âI just want whatâs best for you. You know that.â
âI always know, ____.âÂ
You will always look out for him. Love him from afar. You will always choose your best friend. You could only wish that Jungkook would choose you, too.
You definitely felt like an idiot waiting up for Jungkook.
You liked to tell yourself that Jungkookâs mystery date didnât bother you at all, but being alone in the apartment on your day off didnât help much because you thought about the said date all day long.Â
Hereâs the problem: You didnât know you were so bothered.
Well, you, knew why⊠in a way. But you didnât like admitting it to yourself because it becomes so much clearer. Jungkook has always been a constant in your life, a friend through thick and thin-- but thatâs the issue. Jungkook is a friend.
You heard faint footsteps becoming louder until someone was punching the code to unlock the doorâ Jungkook was home. You quickly glanced at the clock. It was only 9 pm. Heâs home early, isnât he? What does coming home early or late from a date even mean ? You shook your head rapidly, willing the ridiculous questions away when the familiar melody of the door successfully unlocking rang through the room, and in came Jungkook. You repositioned yourself at lightning speed, pretended to watch TV, and only looked up when Jungkook came into view.
âHey. How did your date go?â Your eyes flitted back to the screen in front of you, feigning indifference.
Jungkook plopped next to you on the couch and stretched his legs, âTâwas good.â
Turning your body to face Jungkook you asked, âHow good is good?â
Jungkook chuckled as he intertwined his fingers behind his neck. He didnât pry his eyes away from the TV, which was showing a variety show about refrigerators.
âWe had dinner. Mia was a nice girl, very polite.â
Ah, so the name was Mia. You slowly nodded before tilting your head to the side, revealing a small smirk, âdid you have fun at least?â
âI guess it was alright. You know how awkward blind dates make me feel.â
âWhat makes them awkward again?â
âIâm not sure exactly⊠It's like I just donât know how to act around them, let alone know what to say. Itâsâ Iâm not even sure if she had a good time, to be honest.â
âWell, Iâm sure he had a good time,â you turned your attention back to the TV but muted the volume. Why was there a face towel inside one of the refrigerators?Â
âWhat makes you so sure, ____?â
You shrugged, âYouâre pretty amazing Jungkook. Funny, smart, very attuned to others. I think you just donât see it because, you know, itâs you.â
Jungkook pursed his lips. The momentary silence between you wasnât uncomfortable.
âWhy are you still up, ____?â Jungkook suddenly murmured. He was still facing the TV, but he had his eyes closed.
You suddenly felt a need to fiddle with the hem of your shirt. When you didnât respond, Jungkook opened his eyes and turned to face you. âDo you need help sleeping, ____?â
âI really shouldnât ask for too much, Jungkook. It must be uncomfortable not sleeping in your own bed.â
Jungkook gently flicked a finger at your forehead. You feigned hurt.
âSilly. Come on, letâs get ready for bed. Itâs getting late and you have an early class tomorrow, right?â You didnât even know he remembered your schedule. You let Jungkook pull you by the wrist, leading the way to your bedroom.
Like coming home, you slotted yourself comfortably in between Jungkookâs waiting arms as you both lay in bed. Jungkook rested his chin on top of your head and breathed in your soft, powdery scent. You instantly felt Jungkook relax, all tension starting to ebb away, but maybe it was all just in your head.
âIâm sorry, Jungkook. I just⊠I donât know, I have a long day tomorrow and I need to sleep.â
Jungkook adjusted himself in a way to give you some wiggle room but still held you close. âYou donât have to apologize. I completely understand how pressured you must feel, especially because the dance studio is going through big transitions.â
In your mind, you were thinking of all the ways you and Jungkook just clicked . But thereâs that tiny part of you that feels that maybe this arrangement wasnât the most ideal because for all you knew, Mia might just be a really great girl and Jungkook just needed time to warm up to her. Having Jungkook this close was your dream-- a dream youâve always kept safe in the recesses of your mind. Now that itâs actually happeningâ and that itâs been happening for a while nowâ you crave this closeness more and more and yet, you also feel guilty because you needed to run in the opposite direction. Before things got too painful.
âI can hear you thinking.â
Your body went stiff so Jungkook pulled you much closer as he ran a hand through your hair. He looked at you, eyes soft and half-lidded, your faces too close you felt like something else was going to happen.
But nothing ever happened. Of course.Â
He held your gaze a bit longer and you wanted to tell him the truth. Tell him to look at you just this once. But words failed you once more.
âThank you, Gguk.â
Not a lot of words need to be exchanged. You have been friends for so long that almost all your movements and emotions, no matter how subtle, were easily discernible. You know when Jungkook is having one of his creative blocks because he becomes irritable. Jungkook knows that you can sometimes be too hard on yourself when it comes to dancing, so he cooks your favorite bibimbap as a way to ease his stress. You and Jungkook just know how to comfort one another.
âMy silly darling,â He never called you that before, but you could almost hear Jungkook smile as he uttered it. âI want to be here.â
If your heart suddenly stopped, you hoped Jungkook didnât notice. I want to be here, he said. With a languid smile on your tired face, you succumbed to the pull of sleep, hoping your dreams about Jungkook would never end.
âYou already picked the last movie, ____.â
âFine, we can watch one of yours.â
Jungkookâs bunny smile reappeared and your heart grew ten times its size. After eating dinner, you both decided to watch a movie. After all, it was a Friday night and neither of you had the energy to spend it outside with other people. You watched as Jungkook flicked through the movie choices until he finally settled on a Marvel movie.Â
You were already halfway through the movie when the doorbell rang. You and Jungkook looked at each other, both of you surprised because you werenât expecting anyone at this late hour. As you shrugged your shoulders, Jungkook got up to answer the door.
You decided to pause the movie because you didnât want Jungkook to miss anything, but doing so made it clear that the sudden visitor was actually Yoongi.
The location of the door wasnât too far off from where you were sitting. You didnât mean to eavesdrop either, but you couldnât help but wonder why Jungkook didn't let Yoongi in.
âMia told me about your date. I donât understand, Jungkook, you both said you had a great time, so whatâs the problem?â
Oh, they were talking about Jungkookâs date. At this hour?
âI donât know, hyeong. I guess it never occurred to me to call her so quickly after a first date. Did you come all the way here just to ask that?â Jungkook was a fairly mellow person. Almost never irritable with anyone but himself, just very patient even when you could see how other people were already pushing his buttons.
âI think Mia really likes you, Gguk-ah. You should call her. I also came by to bring you back some of your art supples because you left them at the studio yesterday.â
You heard plastic rustling. Jungkook didnât answer right away, not until his voice lowered, almost sounding like he was pleading.
âLet me think about it, hyeong. Please?â
Yoongi sounded a bit exasperated, âFine. Howâs ____?â
âSheâs fine. We were actually watching a movie,â Jungkook was back to his usual tone of voice, but clipper.Â
âOh, thatâs niceâŠâ
âWould you like to join us? We still have a beer in the fridge, I think.â
âNo, I just⊠I was just about to go home and thought Iâd stop by to give you your things because I already had them in the car, but uhâ yeah. Maybe some other time.â
It didnât register with you right away that Jungkook had Miaâs number. Whether Jungkook asked for it or the other way around, they still exchanged numbers. There was a chance of a second date. You didnât notice the lump forming in your throat as you came to realize again that Jungkook wasnât yours. You had no right to think this way about Jungkook and his love life. He lives his own life, free to date anyone, anytime.Â
You werenât supposed to hear this conversation either. The feeling of impending dread slowly crept up on you. All you knew was that whatever you were feeling right now is something that shouldnât even be happening.
You were pulled out of your thoughts when you saw Jungkook return from the corner of his eye. You suddenly lost all strength to continue the movie. Without even thinking, you pulled yourself up to your feet with the intention of going back to your room. Maybe sleep would do something to dull the ache.
But then you remembered you had a hard time doing that, too.
Jungkook opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. You held out hope for a minute thereâ hope that maybe Jungkook would tell you he was sorry, but then again, what would he be sorry for? He shouldnât feel sorry for anything, especially not your feelings.Â
The sadness was starting to fester through your bones again. You had to get out of the living room, away from the one person who could make you feel better. Wordlessly, you let your feet take you to the bedroom and quietly shut the door.Â
Jungkook never tried to pry nor force you to explain anything to him. He was always the understanding one, always the one who gave you your space when you needed it, even when you were being cold to him.
Thatâs the thing with Jungkookâ he knew exactly when to be there for you. Except for this time around, not even Jungkookâs presence can heal an unknown emptiness that you donât even recognize yourself.
Nine-year-old you never really liked the first few hours after school because that meant you had to stay and wait until your mom picked you up. School grounds can get pretty lonely, especially when all the other kids have already gone home. Young as you were, you found it funny that both you and your mom ended up closing shop every dayâ you closing school grounds, while your mom closed the register at the grocery store where she worked.Â
What nine-year-old you hated the most was when you had to wait after school while it rained because you couldnât walk around the courtyard and play.Â
You hugged your knees as you rocked yourself back and forth watching the rain splatter on the cold, hard ground. Of all days, you forgot to bring a jacket and you were starting to shiver. It was only four oâclock in the afternoon. Your mom wouldnât arrive until six.Â
Just after you let out a big sigh, a boy came running in your direction carrying an umbrella. Strange. No one but you usually stayed at school this late.Â
When the boy reached the stairs and closed his umbrella, he shook off excess water from his already wet hair, causing a few droplets to splatter all over your face.
âOops, sorry about that.â
The boy gave you his widest smile as he continued to catch his breath from running too fast. You usually saw this boy walk along the school hallways, always surrounded by his friends. You were also clubmates in dance.
âMy nameâs Jungkook. We go to dance club together.â
âI know...â You replied as you rested your chin on top of your knees again.
âYou dance really well, I wish I could be as graceful as you⊠anyway, what are you still doing here?âÂ
âIâm waiting for my mom. She usually picks me up, but she has to finish her job at the store first.â
âOh, okay. How long do you still have to wait for her?â
âProbably a few more hours,â you didnât mean for your tone to be somber, but you couldnât help it.Â
As much as you love your parents, sometimes it can get quite lonely.
âThat might take forever!â Jungkookâs eyes grew wide but you found it amusing. Most people would just say âohâ and move on. Or maybe pity you.
âItâs no big deal, Iâm used to it already.â
âWell, do you want to grab something to eat first?â
While you knew Jungkook meant no harm, you still wondered why he was offering all of a sudden. What was he even doing here?
âI donât thinkââ
âMy driver Mr. Hong-sik is parked right outside near a hotteok stand. Letâs go buy some!â
You hesitated because you werenât supposed to leave the school grounds until an adult came to pick you up but at the same time, you were really hungry.Â
âWhat do you say?â
âDo you promise that we will go back here after buying?â
Jungkook was already nodding, his smile growing wide again upon hearing the possibility of you giving in to the idea of hot hotteok.Â
âYes, of course. Mr. Hong-sik will take care of us, donât worry. Besidesââ Jungkook opened his umbrella, droplets of rain splattered across your face again, ââthis umbrella is big enough to fit us both.â
âOkay, letâs go.â
It would only be years later when Jungkook admitted to you that he had known for a while how you spent your days alone after school and that he wanted to keep you company.Â
When you were seventeen and Jungkook fifteen, the school dance team won an award. You both celebrated by eating ramen and ice cream at your motherâs grocery store.Â
When you and Jungkook went to college, you decided to share a room together because you both got into SNU. Over the years mishaps had happened, you both cringed at each otherâs disaster dates, and cried when you had your hearts broken by careless people. Through the highs and lows of life and love, you and Jungkook were a team.Â
Now that you are twenty-six and Jungkook twenty-four, you continue to conquer the world together.
Except that you never expected to slowly fall for the boy who accidentally splattered water on your face twice and shared his umbrella. Â
âYahâ stop eating all of the danmuji!â Taehyung playfully snapped as he chewed on his jajangmyeon.Â
âI already told you to order extra, but of course, you didnât listen again,â you replied, happily chewing on the kimchi.
âI totally forgot, okay? Let me breathe,â Taehyung pouted. âItâs not every day when little kids come into the studio and wreak havoc during hip hop class.â You chuckled at your best friendâs whining and placed a piece of danmuji on top of his noodles. Taehyung looked to you and mumbled his thanks.
You were sitting with your legs sprawled out on the dance floor of the dance studio. Both of you just finished your separate intensive classes and were fueling up for the next set this afternoon.
âI heard Jungkook went out on a date,â Taehyung isnât really one for dilly-dallying. Always straight to the point.Â
âYoongi told you, huh?â
âOf course. The man could never hide secrets from me. Not in our household.â
âYeah, youâre right. Jungkook did go on a date,â you didnât like where the conversation was going, but you couldnât bring yourself to stop Taehyung from asking further either. A part of you wanted to talk about it with someone.Â
âAnd how do you feel about that?â Taehyung shoved a piece of kimchi onto his mouth and waited for your answer.
You started to re-arrange the toppings on your plate, trying to avoid eye contact all of a sudden, âwhat do you mean?â
âI know you, ____. You canât hide from me.â
You chuckled at your best friendâs blunt nature. Itâs one of the things you liked most about him because you were the oppositeâ always caring, understanding, nice. You put others first before yourself because thatâs who you areâ the reliable friend. You know Taehyung means well and is just looking out for you, too.
âDo I have to answer your question?â
âYou donât have to, but I can tell itâs bothering you. You didnât even notice that I took the last piece of chicken just nowââ
âYAH!â
Taehyung snickered, âBut seriously, youâre quiet than usual. Does he still help you sleep?â
âHe does.â
âAnd he hasnât said anything beyond that?â
âWhat is he supposed to say?â
Taehyung shrugged, âYou tell me.â
âWeâre friends, Taehyung. Thereâs nothing else to sayâ You let your shoulders sag. Youâre surprised at yourself that youâve been holding the tension in.Â
âAfter everythingââ Taehyung paused and bit his bottom lip, trying to carefully choose what to say next, âDid it ever occur to you that maybe the reason why he volunteers to help you sleep is that he likes you too?â
âStop putting ideas into my head.â
âIâm not, but I do want to point out what you canât see, ____. Iâm your best friendâ Jungkook is, too, but with us itâs different. I donât feel the urge to jump you every so often, ah!---â Taehyung earned a playful smack from you, âLook, all Iâm saying is⊠you and Jungkook have been friends for a really long time so why donât you just talk to him?â
You started to argue, âItâs not that easy. It might ruin our friendship.â
âBut how else are you going to get past this?â
âTake my feelings to the grave,â you expressed glumly.
âSo dramatic. And very, very difficult for you to bear all on your own.â
âIâm scared, Taehyung. What if things become awkward?â
âWill Jungkook really let it come to that? Heâs your best friend. If he says he doesnât feel the same way, the more important thing here is you. You and your heartâ because at least in knowing, you can finally move forward. Date other people without the what ifs.â
You seemed to mull over Taehyungâs words.Â
âIâm not forcing you to ask him. At the end of the day, you get to decide. I just want you to be happy, ____. Always.â
âI know, Taehyung-ie. Thank you.â
You came home that night to Jungkook passed out from exhaustion on their couch. He still had his eyeglasses on, his apple pencil caught in between his fingers. His iPad was on top of the coffee table and you assumed that Jungkook rushed yet again another commission for a client. It was still earlyâ 8 oâ clock. You wondered if Jungkook had already eaten. You draped a blanket over him and adjusted his head on one of the pillows into a more comfortable position. The movement slightly jostled Jungkook awake. With half-lidded eyes, he gave you a sleepy smile.
âHi ____, youâre home.â
âHmm, I am.â
âHow was class today?â
âExcellent. Did you get to finish that commission?â
Jungkook yawned, âBarely... â
You reluctantly caressed Jungkook hair, fingers gently rubbing his scalp. As soon as you did, his eyes fell closed.Â
âHave you eaten, Gguk-ah?â
âNot yet. I was waiting for you.â
âYou didnât have to. What if I came home really late? You canât miss your meals.â
âYouâre here now, arenât you?â
You chuckled as he mumbled, âBrat. Iâll whip us up some kimchi kimbap and ramen. How does that sound?â
âIâd love that, thank you.â
âYou can sleep more. Iâll wake you up when dinnerâs ready.â
âI can help youââ
âStay put. Iâll be quick, okay?â
Jungkook nodded as he watched you disappear into the kitchen. You prepared all the supplies needed to make dinner and as soon as you started chopping the kimchi for the kimbap, you heard Jungkookâs soft snores.Â
Suddenly, all of your fears ebbed away. Emotions were a funny thingâ the fondness you had for Jungkook overtook your whole being everytime you looked at him. Sometimes you want to feel angry at how Jungkook seemed oblivious, but then again⊠he isnât really a mind-reader. You have always been affectionate with each other and you wondered where people drew the line between friendship and love. What happens when one catches feelings? What happens to both of you if a confession was the way to settle things once and for all? The stakes were too highâ confessing your feelings for Jungkook might make him pull away. What happens to the friendship built over the years? If you were lucky, maybe Jungkook might love you, too.
You were in a bind and you didnât like that.
Jungkook slept on the living room couch, tired from the dayâs work. You both make meals for each other. You sleep together on the same bed. Shouldnât life with Jungkook be this easy?Â
And obvious?
After twenty minutes, dinner was ready. You woke Jungkook up and he devoured the simple dinner over stories of your classes and his ideas for the clientâs project.Â
This friendship is simple. Light. It is a life well lived between two childhood friends that began with a shared an umbrella and hotteok. You wished it was always this uncomplicated.Â
Jungkook helped you sleep again that night. Not a lot of words were shared because you were honestly exhausted and just when you thought you didnât need cuddles, Jungkook went into your room and laid on your bed, not uttering a single word. He only wrapped his arms around you and breathed in your cotton scent.Â
âYouâre always helping me, Jungkook.â
âIs it working? Are you sleeping well?â
âI am, thanks to you.â
âIâm glad. Iâm really glad, ____.â
All is right in this world, all is well with us this way, you thought before you gave in to the pull of sleep for another night.Â
You woke up to the sunlight and an empty bed. Muffled sounds could be heard from outside the bedroom.
âMiaâs kind of annoyed that she gave you his number but you still havenât called herâ
âI know.â
âIs this about ____? Is that why you havenâtââ
âI donât know, hyeong, itâs too early to have this conversation.â
Yoongi came into view as soon as you reached the kitchen. His back was turned to you and it seemed like he was cooking pancakes. Jungkook was sitting on the stool by the counter and had his back to you.Â
âOh, good morning, ____,â Yoongi chimed.
âGood morning.â
Jungkook poured you a glass of orange juice, âSlept well?â
You didnât have your words yet so you just nodded. Even with Yoongi busy with the stove, you felt the tension that made itself known so suddenly around the kitchen.
And for some reason, Jungkook decided to throw out the trash, leaving you and Yoongi alone for a while.
âHow are you, ____â Yoongi asked as he gave you a serving of pancakes, egg, and bacon. The last thing you expected was to wake up to breakfast prepared by a visitor sprinkled with passive confrontation.
You sipped his orange juice again before replying, âIâm doing well. Dance classes are picking up.â
âIâm glad⊠and Jungkook?â
âWhat do you mean?â
âHow is Jungkook⊠and you?â
It was way too early for this conversation.
âI need you to be a bit more specific about what you really want to ask me, Yoongi.â
Yoongi was met with an almost deafening silence. You knew that apart from him, Jungkook confided in Yoongi the most. He knew most of Jungkookâs dating escapades and with that, his heart aches too. Yoongi is Jungkookâs fiercest protector, you are well-aware. You understand how he tends to be confrontational especially when it came to Jungkookâs feelings.Â
Because they go way back.
In all honesty, you were terrified of Yoongi knowing about how Jungkook had been helping you sleep, but you didnât know why you were scared. Yoongi is your friend too, after all.Â
Maybe because you wanted to keep such intimate moments with Jungkook for yourself. Something that was yours, and yours alone. Unfortunately, you had a gut feeling Yoongi knows a lot more than heâs letting on.
âJungkook just started dating again, ____.â
âIâm all too aware. I donât think Iâm going to be a problem.â
âIt might be if Jungkook helps you sleep every night.â
And there it is.
âWeâre just friends, Yoongi. Iâm not expecting anything from him.â You felt your heart sink to your feet, trampled on. Yoongi knew.Â
But why was frustration rising up in the back of your throat?
âAre you sure youâre not expecting anything?â
âWhat is that supposed to mean?â
Tension, tension, tension. You hated it.
âYou had your chance once, ____, and you walked away. Itâs not fair for you to do this to Jungkook again.â
And there it is. The word again .
You swallowed the lump in your throat, lightly tapping the glass of juice with your fingers, willing for the tears to retreat back to where they came from. You cannot afford to cry in front of Yoongi. Or Jungkook. It was too goddamn early.
You did not sign up to have your memories, your insecurities, and your reality laid bare on the kitchen counter.Â
âIt doesnât matter how I feel. Jungkook is my friend. He always will be.â
Vulnerability wasnât your strongest suit. You weren't your emotionsâ best soldier, either. You wanted to yell at Yoongi, shout at him for even implying that you were getting in the way of Jungkook and his dating life.
âJungkook cannot date freely if he always has to think about coming home to help you sleep,â Yoongiâs words cut like a knife, making you wince. âYou know he deserves better than that. You deserve better than that.â
You have very blunt and straightforward friends, and although they keep you grounded, sometimes you hate how they can casually talk to you about your feelings. Sometimes you think they forget that your sunny disposition can also be sometimes moored by rain and storms.Â
âIâm sorry, ____. That was too much, Iââ
âNo, Yoongi, itâs okay,â tears have already fallen and you hastily wiped them away, âYouâre right, it was my fault. Iâm the one who got us into this mess. Iâm the one who has the sleeping problem, Iâllâ Iâll figure something out, maybe get checked or somethingâŠâ You kept your eyes glued to the untouched food in front of you. Throat burning, fresh tears threatening to fall once more.
Yoongiâs words stungâ but heâs also right. The pain of the unspoken truth you try so hard to push down every day come rising to the surface and you are powerless to stop it.Â
Yoongi opened his mouth to say something, but immediately closed it the moment he looked over your shoulder. Your stomach churned because your worst fears werenât done with you yetâ Jungkook was standing by the door.
âI think itâs time for you to leave, Yoongi hyeong.â The only time you heard apparent hostility in Jungkookâs voice was years ago when someone attempted to jump you at a party. Jungkook is always kind, but when irritation, let alone animosity, takes over, he becomes a completely different person.Â
All you knew was that Jungkook and his girlfriend in tornado form are over.
The music blaring from the speakers were too loud, everyone was all over the placeâ Jungkook, Yoongi, Taehyung. It was Jungkookâs idea to get wasted at a club. You didnât always agree with Jungkookâs coping mechanisms, because you knew he was a terrible drinkerâ someone who couldnât hold his liquor well.Â
But he was heartbroken and what do good friends do? Let them cry and wallow.
But right now, it was time to go home. You called a cab for Yoongi and Taehyung, while you and Jungkook got into another. It was a good decision that you didnât bring your own car. You wouldnât have any other choice but to drag Jungkookâs drunk ass to the passenger seat and you werenât sure you could manage that.
You were thankful that Jungkook could still manage to walk, even if he needed to be physically supported by you. You both fumbled for a bit as you closed your apartment door behind you.
âAlright, you big baby, take off your shoes.â
Jungkook did as he was told, but you could tell his body was about to give up on him so you hastily walked him to the bedroom.
You heaved a big sigh after Jungkook collapsed into the mattress. You could hear Jungkookâs breathing slowly steady itself and you honestly thought he was asleep.
âAre you dead?â
When Jungkook didnât move, a playful smirk painted your lips and you shook your head. You leaned in closer to fluff Jungkookâs pillow, when his head suddenly turned to face you.Â
With eyes half-lidded, you thought Jungkook looked beautiful underneath the sliver of moonlight shining through the bedroom window. He reeked of alcohol and smoke, but you didnât mind. You couldnât help but hold his gaze.
Hesitant fingers reached up to trace the skin on your cheek. Jungkook blinked once as he ran gently ran his fingers from the corner of your eye to your chin.
Jungkookâs voice was so soft, you almost didn't hear him ask, âWhy donât you like me, ____?â
âWhat are you talking about, of course I like you.â
Jungkook shook his head, âThatâs not what I meantâŠâ
Your heart was beating wildly in your chest. You reminded yourself that Jungkook was intoxicated. He wouldnât remember this tomorrow. He might not even know what he is doing or saying right now.
âWhy canât you love me, ____?â Jungkook swallowed the lump forming in his throat, âbecause I have loved you for so long and you wonât even look at me.â
You wanted to cry, but you didnât exactly know why, âThatâs not true, Jungkook.â
âThen prove it, ____.â
âI donât know how.â
Jungkook, in a way, helped you. With eyes focused on your lips, he slowly lifted his head to graze your mouth with his own. When he finally kissed you, your head was spinning that you had to use your arm for support to keep you up.
Jungkook mustered up all of his remaining strength to sit up on the bed to kiss you properly. He cupped your face with his hand and you did the same. Under the same moonlight, you and Jungkook started to take that one step closer to finally acknowledging what has been there all along.
But in your head, you didnât know what you want.
Lips separated, letting the both of you breathe. Jungkook touched his forehead against yours before his lips planted a light, lingering kiss there.
Your heart sank even deeper and you fought the tears that were about to come.
Because even though you really loved Jungkook, you and he were at the right place at the wrong time.
The next morning, you and Jungkook werenât the type to dance around each other. He did remember what happened last night.
âI need to know, ____. I need to know what you want.â
âIâm sorry, Jungkook.â
Jungkook nodded, but you didnât miss the flash of sadness that passed through his once hopeful eyes.Â
âAre we still friends at least?â
It took all of you to nod your head in agreement. It was better this way.
âOf course we are.â
âThen thatâs all I want, ____.â
Just as Yoongi closed the door behind him and it was just you and Jungkook in the now tense atmosphere of the apartment, confusion flooded you. Dread soon followed upon realizing what had just happened.Â
You were holding Jungkook back and itâs all your fault. All because you still couldnât decide what you really want.Â
When Jungkook finally locked eyes with you, his gentle gaze made your heart flutter. You donât deserve it, you thought. But you were allured by it-- so easy to get lost in the sea of Jungkookâs beautiful, observant brown eyes, like they were meant to see right through you, heart and soul. Your face slowly morphed into a pain Jungkook didnât recognize, a sadness he hasnât seen before. Your bottom lip began to quiver and before you knew it, you full-on sobbed into your hands. Just as quickly as the collapse of everything began, Jungkook was swift on his feet, taking you into his arms.Â
Jungkook embraces you tightly, his breathing controlled in an effort to curb your sobs. You could hear Jungkookâs heartbeat and it was an odd source of comfort despite the distress you were actively feeling. You felt Jungkookâs large hand stroke your hair in slow motion, chin resting on top of your head as if trying to silently tell you donât cry.
Being with Jungkook felt like drowning and coming up for air all at the same timeâ your constant, but also your poison. Yoongi was right, Jungkook deserves to be happy after you blew your chance to tell him how you really felt.Â
You loved Jungkook, but you had to let him go because he doesnât deserve to be with someone who cannot make up her mind. When you said no to him a year ago, you thought it was the best for the both of youâ Jungkook was hurting and he kissed you because he was drunk and in pain. Not because he loves you. You thought that maybe after some time had passed, what happened that night would just be a distant memory between two friends who had a momentary lapse of judgment.
You have to let him go because itâs the right thing to do, the only way to save the friendship you built over the years. You once saved it, you cannot mess up again. It was selfish, yet so selfless.
When you finally calmed down a little bit more and your breathing slowed, Jungkook loosened his grip. You immediately felt the distance once more, but it was as if Jungkook heard your thoughts because he only pulled away to wipe your tears with his thumbs. Jungkookâs hands cupped your face for a while longer, staring into your teary eyes. Jungkook mumbled an apology as he pressed his forehead with yours. As he closed his eyes, you received a glimpse of Jungkookâs sadness without words.Â
Loving Jungkook isnât supposed to be painful.
Jungkook had to meet a new client so that meant he needed to leave the apartment. You could tell it was difficult for him to leave you all alone in the apartment, but Jungkook only asked if you were going to be okay.
You struggled to leave home that day, but you had to because if you didnât get out and teach dance, you would continue to drown in your own suffering. You both left the apartment with nothing but your unspoken words and broken hearts.
Jungkook would find himself running late for his meeting and he arrived home to what he thought was a dark, empty apartment. Trodding down the hall to your room, he was mildly surprised to see the door was slightly ajar. Lying on the bed was you. Sleeping.
Jungkook quietly entered the room and knelt down by the side of the bed. Staring at you, with the moonlight shining down on your face, you looked sereneâ a stark contrast to the chaos that transpired earlier that day. Your lips were slightly parted and Jungkook found himself smiling at the sight. He gently ran his knuckles down your cheek. He did that for a while, just intentionally watching and helping you sleep even more peacefully in the gentlest way. Jungkook was thankful that you didnât seem to be aware that you weren't alone.Â
You kept your eyes closed as you reveled in the softness of Jungkookâs touch. You initially thought you were dreaming of Jungkook kneeling beside you because after all, the sleep gummies seemed to knock you out enough to fall asleep without him this time. But you realized it wasnât a dream.
Jungkook came home.
The ache in your heart returned, but at the same time, you wished this moment of Jungkook comforting you never ended. Because at least you could have Jungkook like this.
âWill you stay still, ____? Iâm not done yet.âÂ
You pouted as you watched Jungkook draw a bowl of ramen on your leg cast. You injured yourself while attempting to do a tourner for an after-school ballet class. You and Jungkook were now in university and renting an apartment together. Your leg rested on Jungkookâs lap while you both sat on the living room couch. Jungkook slightly had his tongue out while he colored in the ribbons and you scoffed.
âAre you done now?â
âYou donât rush art.â
âYeah but Iâm hungry and I think my leg is asleep.â
Jungkook smirked, âYour leg being in a cast doesnât really have a choice given the circumstances, what did you expect?â You smacked him with a pillow, âYou asshole, give me my leg back.â
âOw! Nuh uh. Iâm almost done.â
You huffed, feigning annoyance. But you were actually endeared with Jungkookâs enthusiasm to draw a different object on your leg cast every week. The moment you got out of the hospital and after Jungkook fed you some jjampong, he carried you to the same living room couch and drew the yellow umbrella he used the day you bought hotteok. The following week, it was a sketch of a person dancing ballet which Jungkook referred to as, âthe loveliest ballet dancer in the universe.â This week, it was ballet shoes hanging on one side of the backrest of a chair.
âThere, done!â Jungkook slightly pulled away to admire his work then he turned and gave you his dorkiest smile. You could never ask for more.
Weeks passed as you and Jungkook fell into usual routine. You can no longer recall since when you started having a hard time communicating feelings. It wasnât like you and Jungkook fought a lot because you almost never do. But thereâs always that elephant in the room that neither of you choose to address even though itâs already staring back at you both.
On Jungkookâs birthday, Taehyung decided it would be good for you all to spend your time at a club after having dinner. From the get-go, the people in attendance were the birthday boy, Taehyung, Yoongi, you, and Mia.
Needless to say, you were awkward and in pain the entire time.
It was your first time to actually see Jungkook pay attention to someone else in a romantic way. Although he and Mia have yet to put a label on anything, they continued to date, much to your misery.
At the birthday dinner, you tried your best not to look at Jungkook and Mia the whole time, but by some strange magnetic force, everytime you unconsciously looked at Jungkook, his eyes found you.
Come to think of it, Mia was the clingy one the whole night. But maybe you were just misinterpreting things. When Taehyung suggested they go to a club, you internally groaned. Not only was this a repeat performance of what you did wrong a year ago, but it was also like salt being rubbed on a wound that never completely healed well.Â
âFuck it, letâs get wasted,â you thought. You werenât about to let your misery ruin a fun night.
So much for that, though. You couldnât even pay attention to your drink because Mia was already trying to get too close to Jungkook. The whole time, Jungkookâs expressions were unreadable. One of his many stupid traits, you sarcastically thought.Â
You don't know exactly what happened afterâ Jungkook went to the bar to order more drinks for the table, followed not too long by Mia. She was relentless in flirting with Jungkook who seemed stoic and indifferent and awkward. Mia must have been really bad at reading people. Still, she didnât give up that easily because she dragged Jungkook to the middle of the dance floor and tried to get him to dance.Â
Maybe you just wanted to see what you wanted to, but if you really were in the right frame of mind, you swore you saw Jungkook finally give in and dance with her.Â
Jungkook was having fun with someone else on his birthday. This is what he deservesâ to be happy and free. Jungkook doesnât have to sacrifice his time just to help you sleep every night.Â
You felt like you were about to throw up. The room started spinning and suddenly all you could hear were muffled sounds of the music bass. Before you knew it, you were making your way to the exit. You needed to get out. You faintly heard Taehyung calling out to you, asking what was wrong but the tightness in your chest demanded much of your attention.Â
When you reached the exit, you pushed the door all the way with all your might and started to walk. You were relieved for once that you werenât able to drink a drop because you needed a clear head to get home safely. The club was a short distance from the apartment and all you wanted to do was lie in bed and cry yourself to sleep.Â
It has been weeks. Weeks of skirting around Jungkook, acting like nothing was amiss. It worked for a while, but you knew it would backfire eventually.
You didnât think this plan of ignoring feelings would fail you so soon. You thought you were stronger.
Your hands were shaking so badly that you struggled to enter the correct passcode to the door:Â 090197.
You cursed at the irony.Â
Not bothering to turn on the lights, you stumbled in the dark and took off your heels. You went straight to your room and collapsed on the bed. You let the tears stain his pillow. This isnât new to you nowâ crying. It somehow helped you sleep, anyway. Right now, you don't care if you cried your eyes raw. You were hurt, in pain, and you didnât know what to do.
Nights felt like an eternity for an insomniac like you. Your thoughts were your biggest enemy in the dead of night and most of the time you are powerless to control them. You shouldnât have allowed Jungkook to help you in the first place. Otherwise, you wouldnât find yourself in this predicament. Youâve already kept your distance before, why did you fail again now? You shouldâve known your place, the order in this world. You were Jungkookâs best friend, and you decided that for the both of you that day you told him you were sorry.
Ruminating thoughts can be a bitch because it makes you oblivious to your surroundings in real time.
You suddenly felt the other side of the bed dip. You heard sheets rustle and felt a different kind of warmth-- the kind that only your best friend could give.
Jungkook wrapped his arms around you and breathed in your scent. In the silence of your room, Jungkook, once again, came home to you.
Both of you didnât speak for a long while, just listening to each otherâs rhythm. You felt your bottom lip quiverâ you were on the verge of crying again and as you started to sit up and perhaps leave, you felt Jungkook tighten his grip as he clasped his fingers together, securing you in place.
âPlease donât cry.â
You swallowed and tried to reply, but your voice cracked instead, âWhy are you here, Jungkook?â
âI want to stay here with you.â
âItâs your birthday.â
âYes, it is.â
âThen why?â
âLike I said, I want to stay here with you.â
Like wildfire, your heart swelled even when your brain told you not to fall for Jungkookâs words. That you were only reading too much into things, âWhat aboutââ
âI told them I wanted to go home because you already did. I turned around to look for you because I heard the barista said there were french fries, but you werenât at the table anymore.â
Tears started to stream down your face and you were grateful you weren't facing Jungkook.Â
âI hate being the reason why you always cry, ____. I have done absolutely nothing to make things better for you and I keep making you feel sad.â Jungkookâs voice was laced with tight emotion and it was something you were hearing for the first time. Jungkook buried himself deeper in the crook of your neck.
âIt hurts so much, Jungkook.â
Lifting his head, Jungkook moved in closer to whisper in your ear, âI know. I know. Iâm so sorry.âÂ
You breathed a deep sigh as you willed away the tears. Right on cue, Jungkook gently turned your body to face him. âThatâs better,â Jungkook gently smiled, pushing strands of hair away from your face.
With Jungkookâs right arm under your head and his left engulfing you in an embrace, you curled into Jungkookâs chest. No matter what pain you may be feeling, it all dissipates once youâre with Jungkook.Â
âI am so sorry, ____. Iâm sorry I keep running away.â
You let a small smile take over his lips, âNo, Jungkook. You donât have to apologize. All of this is my faultâ
âItâs not⊠itâs not your fault. Itâs mine,â you saw Jungkook swallow. You looked over Jungkookâs shoulder, at the clock situated on top of the side table. Thirty minutes left until Jungkook's birthday ends.
âItâs still your birthday. You shouldnât be spending it apologizing for something you didnât do.â
âI am enjoying my birthday because I havenât lost you yet. And it is my fault, stop fighting me.â Jungkook smiled. âHave I ever told you how beautiful you are? Especially under moonlit skies.â
âI donât think so. Not yet.â
âThen allow me to tell you now. Youâre beautiful. The most beautiful person inside out and I am so lucky to have you. Thank you for not leaving me.â
You scooted closer to Jungkook, trying to fill in all the spaces in between.Â
It was almost a whisper and you almost didnât hear it, âSleep well my silly, beautiful darling,â your eyes flutter close as you felt Jungkook give you a kiss on your templeâ a reassuring one, this time.Â
âHey.â
You jumped at the sound of Jungkookâs unusually low voice. âShit,â you mumbled, earning a pretty smile from Jungkook. âHow long have you been standing there?â
The smile didnât leave Jungkookâs face as he apologized and said with all honesty, âA while.â
You have been spending more late nights in the studio since you and Taehyung started offering additional classes. You held a beginnerâs ballet class for children after school hours and you felt you had to spend more time thinking about their routines. Kids need structure, lest their attention becomes too difficult to get a hold of. Jungkook, being the sweetest, always stayed up to wait for you to get home and eat dinner together.Â
This time around, Jungkook decided to pick you up from the studio.
You took in the sight of Jungkook who was leaning against the door frame, wearing a cream oversized sweater and white pants. Even in the dimly lit room, Jungkookâs handsome face was radiant.
Seeing him feels like coming home.
Jungkook walked up to you with his hands in his pockets, âI always get caught up in your world whenever I watch you dance. That hasnât changed.â He was suddenly standing so close to you that you had to clear his throat. Yet you didnât pull away, either.
âTime passes when that world is not working in my favor,â you said as you rolled your shoulders backward.
âIs this the ballet class for the kids?âÂ
You hummed in response, âOne would think itâs easy enough to make a routine for little kids when really, going back to basics sometimes is the hardest thing.â
âWhat did you use to tell me?â Jungkook asked warmly, all innocence and love, but you recognized that tone of his.Â
âJungkookââ
âHelp me remember, ____. How did we do it back then? When we couldnât figure out a new routine,â you heard the heels of Jungkookâs white chelsea boots clatter against the wooden floor as he stepped away a bit from you.
You were taken back to your days in the dance club with Jungkook, the two of you in a smaller studio after school practicing for competitions. You and Jungkook were the groupâs best dancers and that also meant you were almost always tasked to come up with new choreography. You recalled how you and Jungkook used to practice no matter how long it took.Â
Right now, at this very moment, as Jungkook gently urges you to remind you of those days, you appreciated what he was trying to do.
âIâd always tell you, âIâm tired, I donât want to do this anymore,ââ
âHm, and how did I respond?â Jungkookâs eyes never left your face and his voice was so low, that it sent shivers up your spine.
âYouâd tell me we didnât have to do the things other people ask us to dance⊠not right now.â you breathed as Jungkookâs face inched closer to yours, so close that you could already hear Jungkookâs heartbeat.Â
âAnd then?â
âWeâd dance. For ourselves, together.âÂ
Just as the words escaped your lips, Jungkook slightly pulled away to take his phone out of his pocket, scroll through a playlist, the very same playlist Jungkook uses whenever you both lounge around on a Sunday morning. He found the song he was looking for and pressed play. Â
Jungkook put his phone back in his pocket and whispered, âWe dance. For ourselves, together.â He wrapped an arm around your waist while his other hand trailed down to hold your own, intertwining both sets of fingers. Falling, you easily melted into Jungkook, your worries about the ballet routines already forgotten.
With bodies pressed close, you felt your heart plummet to a deep dive into your stomach, leaving butterflies as it burst into a million pretty pieces. Jungkook was never one for sweet words, always choosing to convey his thoughts and feelings through his art. He had given you plenty of his work over the years, drawn on crumpled tissue papers or on the back of receipts. Always in all honesty quietly telling you he was there for you no matter what.
And through dance, he was the sameâ loving, thoughtful, yours.Â
âIt has been a while since you last danced, right?â
Jungkook leans his forehead into yours, his eyes focused on the floor. He hums his response as he starts to lead the dance.
âIt has been a while since I last danced with you,â Jungkook whispered. âDance with me so I remember, my love.â
You close your eyes, resting your chin on Jungkookâs shoulder, âRemember what, Jungkook?â
âHelp me remember everything good about you and me.âÂ
And although Jungkook couldnât see it, you smile as you tilt your head to the side. You let Jungkook lead the both of you to the melody of the music for a good few minutes until you fell into a slow, swaying rhythm.Â
âI missed dancing with you like this,â you swore you felt Jungkook tighten his hold around your middle a little bit more. Jungkook dropped a kiss to your bare shoulder and said with all reverence, âI miss you, ____.â
He misses you, not missed. You never wanted to let him go.Â
You didnât want to stop touching Jungkook so as you continued to allow your feet to be led by him, you ran a trail using your hand from Jungkookâs shoulders, landing on his chest. Jungkook ran his own hand at the expanse of your back, waiting, waiting.Â
âAnd I miss you too,â you said with a smile. Jungkook cupped your face and ran a thumb to your cheekbone. Never leaving your eyes, he responded, âItâs always a pleasure to dance with you, ____.â
âI always seem more eager to dance when Iâm with you,â you said.Â
And I always love dancing with you.
âThatâs because we know each otherâs moves well. Weâre in sync no matter how long itâs been.â
Tentatively, you respond, âMaybe we should do it again⊠more often, this time.â
âI wouldnât mind that at all. Iâll dance with you forever.âÂ
You and Jungkook went home that night and slept once more in each otherâs arms. You noticed a change this time. You felt peaceful, more hopeful. Jungkook didnât say anything definitive, still, but maybe his heart did.Â
And you fell into a quiet sleep as soon as Jungkook kissed your temple. This time, his kiss was more intentional, more heartfelt, like he never wants to let you go.
Not again.Â
You woke up the next morning still reeling from the dance you shared with Jungkook. Always the romantic, you thought as you shook your head. Usually, Jungkook was already up and about before you even opened one eye, but life continues to surprise you.Â
Jungkook was sitting on the bed, drawing on his iPad. You couldnât believe it at firstâ you rubbed sleep out of your eyes and looked at your own phone for the time. It was 8 oâclock and Jungkook was drawing.
The minute you moved, Jungkook was attentive. He stopped drawing as he turned to you to mumble a good morning.Â
âGood morning to you, too. What are you doing so early in the morning?â
âOh, I woke up earlierââ
Cutting him off, you teased, âYou always do.âÂ
Jungkook chuckled, the crinkles in around his eyes so evident, so endearing, âYeah. Um⊠I justâ the morning light through the window was just so beautiful and I had to draw it.â
âYou drew a sunrise at 8 oâclock?â
You rolled your eyes as Jungkook said matter-of-factly, âActually, 6 oâclock⊠but no, I didnât draw the sunrise, not exactly.â
âThen what did you draw?â
Instead of responding, Jungkook gave you his iPad. You realized Jungkook drew you. Jungkook used digital watercolor brushes to paint a picture of you sleeping with your bedroom window behind you. Sunlight accentuated the side of your face, expression tranquil.Â
âItâs not finished yet, I need to fill in some of theââ
âItâs beautiful, Jungkook.â
âYou always say that, ____.â
âBecause your works are beautiful. Every single one of them,â you couldnât stop admiring Jungkookâs work. You felt your throat constrict once more, emotions starting to take over. This isnât the first time Jungkook drew you, but itâs definitely the first time you felt something different after seeing his artâ a love that continues to blossom, a love for Jungkook that never withered. For the past few weeks, you felt like you were slowly coming to terms with you and him being just best friends, but after last night, you were starting to backslide.Â
You will always love Jungkook no matter whatâ you know that now. Maybe not in the way you want, but Jungkook will continue to have a special hold on your heart that no one else can replace.Â
âThank you for this, Gguk-ah. Can we print and frame this? When youâre done, that is.â
âOf course, ____. Iâm glad you like it.â
One of the things you and Jungkook appreciate about the apartment is the silence because itâs never an awkward one. In silence, youâre both comfortableâ awkward and pain and everything else in between. In the shared space, you and Jungkook are free to love one another.
In silence, you also hear each otherâs hunger. You giggled as Jungkook turned beet red. After all these years of living together, Jungkook still tended to be embarrassed around you. One of the many adorable Jeon Jungkook traits that you love.
âThatâs my cue to make breakfast.â
You stood up and ran a hand through your hair before pocketing your phone. Jungkook didnât move an inch. You didnât think much of it, but just as you were about to walk out the door, Jungkook called out to you and scrambled to his feet.Â
Mornings with Jungkook more often than not are calm, but when you saw Jungkook walk up the short distance to where you were standing, his gaze so strong, your heart began to race. Because you were standing too close to each other, you felt Jungkook take a deep breath before uttering the words you never thought youâd hear from him.
âDonât leave me.â
At first, you thought you heard wrong. A few seconds later your brain told you that maybe it was Jungkookâs way of saying that he wanted you both to stay in bed a little while longer because after all, it was a Sunday.
But then a third thought came to you, the most dreaded oneâ what if?
âS-say that again.â
It was physically impossible for Jungkook to get even closer to you. The wide smile drawn on his face made all the difference.
âDonât leave me.â
Like a bucket of cold water doused on you, you couldnât believe what Jungkook was really trying to tell you. Your childhood best friend, the man of your dreams. The one person who will move mountains for you without being asked is trying to tell you something you longed to hear.
âSay that again⊠o-one more time.â
Tears threatened to flow from your sparkling eyes and Jungkook was quick to hold you small face in his hands, â____. Please⊠donât ever leave me.â
You struggled not to cry so much upon finally understanding what Jungkook was really trying to say. You wanted to respond to Jungkookâs plea, but all that came out was a sob. Jungkook peppered your face with soft kisses down to your jaw. You found yourself holding on to Jungkook, grip like a vice. You don't want to let him go. You will never.Â
Not again.
You tried your best to properly respond this time, âDonât worry, Gguk. I will never, ever leave you.â You ran your knuckles down Jungkookâs face, âI was just going to make us breakfast because youâre hungry.â
Jungkook laughed at how you could still manage to make an intimate moment so endearing. He held your wrist and kissed the palm of your hand before leaning in to finally kiss you full on your lips. His kiss was tentative at first until he decided to be bolder, silently asking you to let him in. You readily gave Jungkook access to kiss you even deeper. Like wildfire, heat spreads throughout your bodyâ this is what it feels like to kiss Jungkook without reservation. This is what it feels like to kiss your best friend, no holds barred.
Overwhelmed with affection, you felt yourself being lifted by Jungkook and your legs automatically cling to his waist. The position gave him an even better angle to kiss the person he has longed for almost all his life, âHow long, Jungkook? How long have you really liked me?â
You didnât think Jungkook would immediately understand what you were trying to ask, âSince that day I asked you to dance with me under the rain.â
Jungkook saw the look of recognition in your eyes. He knew you knew what he was referring to. âI have always been in love with you, ____. I just⊠I was so scared of you rejecting me that I thought it was best if I kept my feelings to myself. I tried dating other people because I thought maybe that would help me get to know others better.â
And as if Jungkook could read your mind, he kissed your forehead before talking again.
âI donât regret kissing you that night⊠I was drunk, but I was sober enough to know and remember what I said. We broke up because she told me I was always distracted. I always thought of you everywhere we went. She told me I never really moved on⊠that I still call out your name even when I was with someone else. When you told me no then, I knew it was my fault for not thinking things through. It was my mistake that I didnât communicate with you better, ____. Iâm sorry.â
You didnât have a lot of words to respond with, not after that speech from Jungkook so you only asked ever so meekly, âAnd Mia?â
âI told her we were better off as friends. She took it quite well than I expected. I think deep down, she knew too.â
âKnew what?â
âThat I was undeniably, irrevocably in love with you.â
âDo you really have to use big adjectives?â
Jungkook shrugged and chuckled, âMakes for good conversation. Iâm trying to communicate better, remember?â
It was your turn to chuckle and lean your forehead against his.Â
âIâm sorry it took me so long to get here, ____. I put you through so much pain and I just let it happen.â
You shook your head, wanting to let Jungkook know this wasnât all on him.
âIf anything, you have always made me so happy, Jungkook. I donât get to show you how much all the time.â
âCan we start over?â Jungkook looked at you, full of hope.
âI would love that.â
âI love you, ____.â
My best friend in this entire world, whom I love.
âI love you, too, Jungkook.â
My best friend in this entire world, who loves me back.
Your hotteok was already paid for by Jungkook before you even had the chance to pay for it yourself. âItâs all taken care of,â Jungkook said.
Both of you were already hungry from running so you decided to eat right there under the hotteok stand. You could see a black car parked across the street and assumed that it must be Mr. Hong-sik. You both ate in silence for a while, listening to the pitter-patter of the rain until you felt Jungkook tugging your sleeve.
âWhatâs wrong?â
âCome on, ____â
âWhere are we going?â
âThere!â
You looked to where Jungkook was pointing with his finger. There was nothing there but the school.
âYou want to go back to where we came from?â
âNot really. School is boring,â Jungkook mused and before you knew it, you were being pulled in the middle of pouring rain.
âWhat are you doing, Jungkook? We are going to get wet!â
âWe already are, ____! Come on!â
You both had to shout over the steady noise of the rain. You realized Jungkook wasnât kiddingâ he was really under the rain, in the middle of the schoolâs wide, open space, waiting for you to join him.Â
âYou are insane, Jeon Jungkook!â you shouted, but he just grinned that much harder. He took both your hands and led you to jump and dance in the rain.
âMaybe I am, but itâs fun to dance in the rain with someone else!â
You felt so glad to be living the same time with someone as Jungkook after that day.Â
The day you will forever be grateful for.













