one
i just woke up from another dream where iām paralyzed by pain. the second i opened my eyes, i remembered itās not just a dream. iām writing this at 3 am on a tuesday. i canāt fall back asleep but i donāt really mind. typically i like sleep more than being awake, but lately my dreams are no longer an escape. theyāre too close to reality.
my mind wanders back to a place it visits all too often. one thousand eight hundred & forty days. approximately one thousand eight hundred & forty days ago it was my favorite time of year: fall. the leaves had turned & so did my world.
i had finished a filming gig & was abnormally exhausted. i returned home to lay down but something felt different. lying there trying to rest, i realized every part of my body throbbed in pain. it felt weighed down & took great effort for me to move. i couldnāt tell if i was in shock, all i knew was i was absolutely terrified. i tried everything to relieve the pain, but nothing worked. at one point i tied ties around my ligaments to cut off circulation in hopes for some relief. it did nothing more than make those parts of my body numb. after many desperate attempts for relief, my dad took me to the ER. they took various tests & doped me up on pain medication. i remember waking up feeling relieved that my pain had stopped, only to realize it was simply a result from the medication. all tests came back negative, so they sent me home.as we were leaving, i felt the pain creeping back as the medication began wearing off. i hoped it was just a dream & said a prayer asking if i could please wake up.Ā little did i know, the pain would not only stay, but would become a part of me.Ā little did i know, this was my new reality.
throughout the next one thousand eight hundred & forty days, a lot took place leading up to where i am today.
three moves
nine doctorsĀ
seven jobs
four diagnosesĀ
countless medications
a few heartbreaks
a break up
new friends gained
loved ones lostĀ
& adventures to places i had always dreamed of going.
a lot changed, but two things remained consistent.
my pain & my determination to not let it takeover my life.
i slowly learned to function with it, so much so that not many people around me even knew it existed. i suppose there were hints here & there, but for the most part i kept it a secret.Ā after all, i still didnāt have a name for it nor did i have cure, so what was the use in talking about it.
even though i learned to function with the pain, it caused me setbacks that came during periods of anxiousness or grief. as a result, i had to change jobs frequently as well as move more than i intended to.
eventually i landed back in nashville to pursue a life with music again. i was finally at place where my pain was manageable & i felt unstoppable. i had a dream job & was ecstatic about where my music was taking me. it was a solid eight months before my job slowly began taking a toll on my body & my pain was getting harder to manage. the music path i was pursuing began to deteriorate & was no longer in my control. prior to this, i had given up on doctors & diagnoses. i had support from my family & a few close friends since day one of this journey & together we experienced frustration & disappointment. i was tired of letting down those who were trying to fight for me.
at the same time that my world started to shift once again, i met someone who would become a huge part of my journey. we quickly became friends & it wasnāt long after that that we were sitting in my house on branch street swapping secrets. it was my turn & i casually mentioned how i was always in pain & hadnāt told many people. what i thought would be quickly brushed over, turned out to be the complete opposite. it turned out to be the turning point of this journey.
for the first time, i felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. i felt like i wasnāt a burden. like maybe we really could find the answer. for once my pain was isolated when i was looked dead in the eye & told i wasnāt in this alone. little did i know, all i really needed was someone who would fight with me.
two hundred & ten days later i was medically diagnosed with Lyme Disease which gave me one more answer than i had before but many new questions. coincidentally enough my symptoms not only began to worsen but also accumulated around this time.
today, two hundred & seventy days later, iām beginning my third type of treatment with my third specialist. i believe this is just the beginning of my health path. so far along the way, iāve met several people who share a similar story. this made me realize i am not the only one living this reality which meansĀ - no one has to fight this alone.