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you don’t sound psycho at all. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot, and is worth going to the doctor for as medication can help. They’re there to listen, not judge
yea…it’s true I guess. I’ll call them tomorrow probably . last time I went to them about antidepressants I was still 17 so they couldn’t prescribe and I forgot what the doctor said but blah blah something wait until youre 18 and get the adhd stuff sorted out blah blah counselling blablabla see if anything changes.. NOTHING CHANGED and if anything it got worse. I used to complain about sixth form a lot but genuinely take me back T-T minus the mental health spikes especially towards the end i think sixth form was the most comfortable I’ve ever been in my educational life and I miss it a lot
have you considered antidepressants? It may help with this feeling or is it external factors causing this?
yea of course Ive considered, and my counsellor recommends for me to go to the gp and ask about it both times I’ve seen him, and probably will again this Thursday if it isn’t Eid. But idk. First off im just tired of trying to explain myself because genuinely when I try and explain ts outloud I feel like I sound like a psycho.
and then with the second question, i don’t even know. Maybe? Maybe not? Maybe a mix? I have just as much of an idea as u probably do which might not be much at all
so ass I genuinely spent nearly 3 weeks feeling absolutely nothing and like I have no use for my life but o well. Got a lot of delayed assignments to fill my time with i guess
have you started medication for ADHD and if so how has the journey been so far?
I haven’t, I have a phone appointment next Thursday regarding it though. So I think I may start soon idk. I also had a counselling intro session with the same ppl from September and they told me the waiting list is 6 months (but I don’t trust waiting lists..they always lie) and in the meantime I should consult the gp about depression and antidepressants.. sigghhh
aalso. idk what was wrong with me during the winter bru i dont think it was seasonal depression i think stuff was just kinda shi but this week and last week I haven’t been too bad 😛 im hoping it stays like this
ALSOOO I need advice by like. Yesterday, for tomorrow.
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Basicslly ive been skipping my study skills/tutor sessions (Theyre compulsory, once a week every Tuesday on the timetable </3) and my tutor emailed to ask why I skipped again last week so I just flat out told her that even tho the content is helpful, I find the layout difficult. Because it’s a circle bruhh all 20 ish of us sit in a circle and I hate it sm because it’s a whole hour long and there’s nowhere else to look and it’s so much eye contact and I HATE ITTT. Anyway I said thr circle layout can be challenging for me as I struggle with eye contact and being asked things on the spot or being made to speak in front of people unprepared and my brain freezes. And that the sessions can seem more mentally overwhelming than supportive. Well it was roughly something like that probably more condensed and professional. But basicslly I hate that we have to sit in a circle at our big age and I have to look at ppl and everyone HAS to speak once and it’s so awkward. Like when everyone comes in she asks everyone one at a time how they’ve been and it’s so awkward and lowk no one likes it. And then at the end she asks one thing that ppl liked about the session and uuum i got nothing to say bc the sessions are based off homework tasks i haven’t done <//3
anyway I forgot what my point is. Basicslly i dont like thr circle I don’t like that we HAVE to speak, especially on days where I feel really really exhausted or uncomfortable or just dont wwnt to be there, which is most Tuesdays. And then I said I didn’t bring this up earlier because I didn’t think it was necessary but now I’m worried about how it’ll affect my attendance (bc I think the dsa stuff lowk relies on attendance)
And then she replied saying that to work around speaking in front of ppl I could come 10 mins late and leave early every session so I don’t have to speak in front of ppl, and then asked if I hsve a better solution and lowk she sent that last Thursday and I forgot to reply because I didn’t know what to say. Because surely walking in late and leaving early in a small closed circle in a classroom is more awkward because ppl are so fkn nosy and all look up and have staring problems <///3 (me too)
And then she emailed to the thread again today and asked me to get back to her and that she hopes to see me at the session tomorrow. Uuuum I don’t wanna go but lowk I haven’t been to the last 5 ppd sessions .. AHEM. But yea I don’t know guys wat do I do 😕 Tuesdays are so ass in general bruh, 2 hours lecture on research methods that I haven’t ever been to since the first week of uni, then 2 hours lab which is just sitting behind a computer doing shit all, and then the tutor session for an hour 💔💔
how do you feel about the possibility of having autism, given that it tends to carry more stigma than ADHD?
ass dude everyone thinks having autism means being retarded . I mean I only told 3 people tbh. 🐸 understood, my mum told me it was stupid at first but I think thats just because she was half asleep because she wasn’t as negative about it after, and I told 🧋 also. And she thought i was joking when I said the psychiatrist said that and I was like no deadass he did and she said ‘i dont think you have autism, adhd I understand but you’re not retarded’ and I said it’s not really the stereotypical aspects and even my report said there’s no signs of retardism but it’s stuff like sensory and my behaviours in certain situations and that stuff and she said ‘girl thats called being an introvert not autism’ and I forgot what else I said but she said it’s just called being quiet, doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with me. And then I showed the ss where it mentioned autism in the report or after I asked the psychiatrist I forgot and she said ‘what the freak bro, there’s nothing wrong with being a quiet girl’ and then I left that on read lowk. But anyway. Yea idk I think I’m not gonna bother with it anyway. I got help with school now for adhd and my uni’s disability advisor said i dont really need an autism diagnosis because what am I gonna do with it and lowk she clocked me bc idk. So yea thats just there im gonna forget about it i guess.
i’m probably gonna reread this tomorrow and find it cringey as hell and delete it or completely forget about it but I’ve been so flipping tired for the past few weeks imma rant. Also I forgot to start December sorry my dudes but anyway.
it’s not that long i think or maybe it is idk
yea bro idk what’s going on or what’s happened recently thats made everything seem so much worse but im genuinely so tired and exhausted and the feeling of emptiness(?) like just being a shell of a human being keeps getting more and more prominent, over the past couple of months and I think I really feel it now. Even when I do go out or do things. for example yesterday I walked around Bond Street and TCR for 2 hours alone after my DSA appt in that area and I think I was ok, just walking in and out of places and looking around, kinda just having my own conversations. but as soon as I got home I felt nothing I was just tired bruh no sense of accomplishment after having time to myself and walking around after ages, no tiredness from the walk, no thinking about my appt at all. I just went to bed and did nothing and then had dinner and then again did nothing. but I don’t think yesterdat was bad, I do remember i woke up really drowsy before I ate so I did have a nap. Which I’ve been having a lot more of lately, not everyday but because I sleep from 4-6am now I do have naps every few days after uni or just randomly in the evening. And then at dinner i didnt really feel particularly irritated at anyone or anything negative, i just ate and went back to my room.
And then today I was in bed until 10 then sat with my baby cousins until 11 and then went out to see 🐸. I will say this morning was a bit iffy. It felt like a Tuesday morning where I hear my alarm go off for ages but I don’t want to move at all. So from 9:30-10ish iwas just lying there doing nothing. I think I probably went bacj to sleep for 10 mins too which lowk is bad because I set my alarms at the last possible time for me to get up so I have to. Because when I set my alarms too early I just never get up and I haven’t really found a good middle ground between them, I only like acting at the quarter/half times and very rarely the :_0 minute times but yea nothing works so far. But yea because of that i had to tell 🐸 I couldn’t go with her to her appt (I said I would yesterday bc she said her migraines were bad and she didn’t want to travel alone whilst that was happening) but I would meet her after. I guess that did give me extra time but I did feel very shitty. But yea straight after I was done with 🐸 after we ate I had to rush home and then to the dentist and I got to my appt late 😓and then as soon as I got home I crashed brooo omg I lay in bed doing nothing for hald an hour and then slept for nearly an hour and now I’m doing nothing again.
These two days tho I am glad that I at least went outside. I haven’t really left the house at all except to go to uni for the past couple of weeks. And it’s always the same empty feeling and im not talking to anyone or seeing anyone or doing anything with anyone except playing online at night and idk. During the daytime when I’m by myself, which is quite a lot to be fair, it’s always the same heavy empty feeling and I hate it so much bro.
Maybe it’s some sorta exhaustion? Idk. I barely see my friends, pretty much the only thing I’ve been doing recently is all these applications. DSA application and meeting, disability advisor meeting, tutor meeting, diagnoses shit, all that stuff ive been doing on my own. and with uni im so behind I might as well give up bro if I didn’t have immigrant parents who think uni is THE place I feel like I would’ve given up and dropped out by now. I have 3 months to catch up on now and I’ve barely made a dent and it’s pmo so much. Ive deferred all my assignments bar a group poster and mcq and whenever ppl ask how my assignments are going it’s genuinely the most embarrassing thing in the world. Because they’re not ??v? I mean I just say Theyre good wnd I have to hope they don’t ask anything more. I deleted any addictive apps I have because I looked at my screen time and it’s like, 4-5 hours a day, even reaching 9 hours on weekends or days I can’t sleep. For months too. And it didn’t really benefit me positively in a mental nor physical sense. So I deleted that this morning and I genuinely been fighting for my life not to re-download because everything feels so much more boring and dull and I feel like I’m going crazy brooo. Not from this app thing but just trying to explain it all makes me feel like I’m going insane bru.
but yea. just too much feeling empty and purposeless. not suicidal or anything either, just nothing. I don’t think it’s any apathy or some shi I am still emotional perhaps a little more than i used to be. But yea. Also I haven’t signed up to any new counselling but maybe I should. Idk I haven’t contemplated it yet i have other stuff to think about thats probably higher priority.
But the thing is I don’t think I’m completely deprived of interaction at all. My cousins come to mine 3 days a week, I do see 🐸 every couple of weeks now, I do go outside and I do still message ppl even if it’s not a lot of the time. And I do feel ok in the moment but even as soon as it’s ended it just feels like straight emptiness again. Idk what it is. To be honest it is a little bit scary also to think about sometimes. I realise sometimes I can feel the same at my grandma’s house now or when I go out by myself I don’t really know what my thougjt process will be like in the moment bht I just have to kinda deal with it. And at uni I barely talk to anyone or go to half my lectures and skip seminars because my friends dont go and I really reeallly hate when they do that because first off i have to sit with randoms but I think I’m slowly getting used to my tutor group. And second they ask what happened and bro im never mentally present during those things so idk bruh. But whenever I skip with them they know how to catch up wnd how to effectively and quickly make notes and I don’t 😓 im so so behind bro. But yea it’s kinda scaru to see that all of this has an effect on me outside of my house.
I also feel my maladaptive daydreaming has gotten so much worser and I think thats to do with the fsct i do a lot of things solo. If I go a night without the same repetitive one that ive been having for YEARS, unless I’m so tired I pass out, I genuinely can’t sleep everything feels so irritable and my thoughts are so loud. Side note when I say my thoughts are loud I don’t always mean like. Speaking. Sometimes Theyre really random. Like it’s silent but all I can hear is really loud staticy white noise, that kinda sound. Sometimes a lorry horn too, one of those loud long ones. Yea idk. But anyway. Yea that, and even in the streets when I’m walking alone or working at uni and not talking to anyone it’s not even that im trying it’s just that these figures are naturally there in the background snd again I feel like I sound like a psycho very sorry.
I don’t rven do anything about the fsct that im so behind on uni bru i go home and I go straight to bed. And im so TIRED as if I even did anything the whole day. And I just feel like there’s no point because it’s just gonna keep piling and there’s a little to no chance I’ll ever catch up so eh.
Also. Dumb stupid job search and job market aren’t helping anything. My parents are constantly pushing and complaining that I don’t have a job as if I’m not applying to everything bro, even when idek what the job name even means I just apply. And literally NO ONEEE accepts. Or even looks at the application as a matter of fact. But idc my parents aren’t the thing stressing me out the most in this context, it’s that i genuinely NEEED money. My impulse spending is disgustingly humiliatingly horrible and I need money for a new phone bc mine’s bugging out and I need it for uni and all these applications and appointments im having. Not just a phone but I need to put £200 towards my DSA laptop, I need to pay for a dental hygienist appointment because thats been pretty shit given my mental health and I don’t wanna hear ANYONe say anything about that because it’s not like I go days without. Not that bad. But yea I don’t want my braces to be taken off early so I need that. But yea everything about that is pmo so much i mentally crash a lot just thinking about it. Lot of stress. Cant rven explain it to anyone properly either.
yea idk what to call any of this. I don’t wanna say depression thats why I tell everyone low mood or just tired idk if depression is the right word for it at all. It could be a whole other thing anyway bc look at how the adhd appt went and now I have to go through the whole thing again for autism. WHICH PMO SO BADDD BRO the whole adhd process was so draining and now I have to do it againnn?????vv?????????? fuck that bruh . but yea clearly im not good at knowing whats what so idk what any of this is. anyway yea hell if I know what any of that is but im kinda glad that I got it out idk. not relaly. at least it passed like half an hour tho.
from my memory he said most of the things i put down for hyperactive symptoms he would say align more with autistic traits, mostly for the fact that they weren’t constant and would be dependant on the situation. To be honest i didn’t think of it like that i thought it was just because of my family i learnt to force myself not to act in certain ways around family but didn’t have to be like that in front of friends and whatever but apppparently a lot of the things there PLUS that made it seem more like autism. So he diagnosed me with predominantly inattentive adhd with traits of autism and recommended that i get assessed for autism also. Before he brought up autism tho (and he explained why he asked after with autism in the context idk if that makes sense as a sentence tho) he asked about stuff like hyper fixations, impulse spending, sensory issues, social situations, social and other anxieties etc and he said some of those mixed were mixed in because he just wanted to know if he was right in his assumptions before he brought it up to me. ANYWWAYY i just realised the time i need to go to uni <//3 but idk if any of this made sense tho if it didnt u can ask and I'll prolly reply tonight yayayayaaa
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