Thursday Shmursday
After a few days without writing, I realized how much it really helps me decompress. Even though a lot of what I write is meaningless to almost everyone except me, it helps me get my thoughts out of my head which almost always helps me sleep better at night. For an insomniac like myself, easier sleep is a gift from the man upstairs himself.Â
Just so weâre all on the same page here...
Two days ago I got âdumpedâ by my what-I-believed-to-be boyfriend. He informed me he didnât have time to date me due to his overwhelming work schedule (because no one with a full-time job has ever had a relationship, right?) and that when he drunkenly confessed that he loved me many, many times over the past few months, he was mistaken (my bad bruh!) Breaking up with me via text wasnât insulting enough, letâs rub some salt in that wound and drop the âI lied every time I said I love you because I was hammeredâ bomb immediately afterwards.Â
Needless to say, Iâve been a whirlwind of emotions over the past couple days: everything from crying a good, strong, unhealthy, ugly cry and eating Klondike bars on the couch to moments of intense karaoke in my car with Beyonceâs Pandora station as my DJ. After countless reassurances from my best friend Amy that he definitely wasnât the one and that I was better off and the old âitâs his lossâ conversations, I sat down and thought long and hard about my relationships and why they keep failing; not just ending, but failing in epic proportions.Â
Enlightening moments happen out of no where and often times, I find they can be triggered by something unsuspecting. Seeing the movie titled âHow to be Singleâ is not one of those unsuspecting things. I went into the movie attempting to lift my roommate out of a funk, and honestly I wasnât a pillar of positive mindset myself. However, the bar was set pretty low on how much I was going to get out of a movie with Rebel Wilson and Dakota Johnson as the leading ladies. I stand by this: that movie was uniquely inspirational and, at times, incredibly accurate to my life and my weaknesses. After a little reflection during the movie, I uncovered my issue: I donât know how to stand alone. I can do it, but the minute any guy gives me any amount of attention and I find him slightly attractive, I completely lose myself in him. I tolerate being treated shitty because I convince myself itâs enough or itâs not that bad. I trick my mind into thinking that an occasional text message is acceptable communication for the week, and I embrace the endless list of excuses he provides as to why he canât take me to lunch or do any other fucking activity known to man with me. I allow these men that arenât worth a moment of my time to capture weeks or months of my life because I take every single piece of advice I have ever given to a girl exactly like me and thrown it right out of my imaginary 3rd story window. Take all of those factors and top it off with the fact that I have the biggest heart you can imagine and absolutely love to help other people over myself; I am totally selfless to a fault, and that makes for a shit ton of reasons for men to use me up. The most defeating part of this relationship disaster analysis remains that I LET THEM DO IT.Â
Resolution to the issue at hand: cherish being single, just like the movie said. It is so rare that you can be completely void of attachment that now that I have it, I should hold onto it for a little while. Donât fall into the next guy that comes along even if I like him. Learn to be solo and put my mind in a good place with it and then open up to the dating world. My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to make myself the top priority and leave the dating world behind just for a little while. Take a trip, or a cooking class, or an art class, or whatever other class my little lonely heart desires and love every second of standing totally alone.Â