things that feed my emotional and sexual masochism
(warning: these are very dark and im choosing to post them because my identity is fake and unknown on here)
being suicidal and god feeling sad i'm rejecting his gift of life.
ignoring or saying hurtful things to people who love me so they can feel hurt and then im able to comfort them.
the idea of showing a small gesture of affection to someone one last time before ending things forever
the idea giving someones ring back being engaged to them.
hurting myself physically and then comforting myself.
starting fights with my partner to get the reassurance and comfort after we make up.
the idea of my partner being genuinely sad because of me or something I did.
falling severely into depression and then rewarding myself with something I love and then taking it away and abusing myself for enjoying something.
viewing every picture frame or book I love as something I can relish in one last time.
the idea of someone literally loving me and wanting me and being soft with me when im upset.
someone fighting for me.
everyone I know finding me dead.
my funeral.
no one showing up to my funeral.
a really physically and mentally abusive man im completely in love with on and off showing me comfort for what he did to me.
a forehead kiss as a forever goodbye.
feeling so upset and sob so hard I puke and being extremely pale and sick after breaking up with someone.
ripping or destroying artwork I worked so hard on and put so much passion into
the guilt after breaking one of my prized possession out of impulsive intrusive thoughts.
hitting myself after masturbation.
hitting or cutting myself after crying because I dont deserve to sob and let my body of relief of pain.
deeply comforting a man I love who is upset, and then him rejecting my love.
heartbreak so bad you can't breathe.
choking myself and letting myself breathe and then punishing myself for breathing.
cutting my insecurities off my body with a knife.
romanticizing simple greetings of "hey" "hi" or
"how are you lately?" because someone is aware of my presence and feels i am worth being talked to for even a second.
tickling me so hard and I whine and squirm under him and hitting me every time I pull away.
painful ice play.
a man killing me and then sobbing over my dead body realizing he loved me after he lost me.
a man burying me alive and then running back shortly after digging me back up and apologizing over and over again and comforting me.
someone actually stopping me or running after me when i choose to leave forever.
i love yous to eachother before dying.
a man abusing me and then his eyes go soft and he feels like a monster seeing me naked on the ground with wounds.