Maysilee (she/her). 20s. reader & writer. multifandom. college student. autumn enthusiast. avid coffee drinker. currently down the SotR rabbit hole and obsessed with figure skating.
~~ my writing 📜 ~~
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ao3
latest upload: bittersweet symphony chapter 7. it’s finally here! chapter seven of a multi-chapter Haymitch x tribute! reader story featuring looooots of angst & a pretend relationship
coming next: chapter eight of bittersweet symphony in august. when the sun hits, a fwb Haymitch x best friend! reader oneshot that showcases a darker side of Haymitch and a messy, complicated relationship in late july/early august
everyone else fighting over Rofia vs. Riara endgame, meanwhile I’m over here thinking about Rafe x Barry lol. Which, I’m like 99% sure won’t happen, but wouldn’t it be so fun if it did?
✰ USAGE RULES .ᐟ Please credit @angeliicide in the post you use my work! You may also credit me in your pinned or somewhere else visible on your blog. Please do not reupload or alter my dividers.
╰› ꒰ bonus tentacle dividers cuz they were too pretty for me to leave out <3 ꒱
okay, but what about Kook princess reader x pathetic, down bad! (frat boy era) Rafe?? like, they’ve been hooking up for a while and there’s this obvious tension between them and Rafe is down bad for her, but she doesn’t want anyone to know that they’ve got something going on? sort of a he fell first and harder and she feels nothing/he feels everything vibe? also I’m thinking of maybe making the reader Topper‘s sister, just for some added drama 🤭
no, but I’ve seriously got so many ideas for Rafe fics right now, someone please tell me where to find the time to write them all 😩
thinking about writing a Rafe fic based on Why’d you only call me when you’re high? because that song just screams Rafe to me and I do love me an angsty fic 🤭 (currently thinking: pogue reader, enemies with benefits, probably a no treasure hunt au though I’m not decided on that yet, and a deliciously painful mix of angst and smut??)
Rafe loves taking you out to the Country Club … 18+; MDNI! featuring: boyfriend!Rafe, agoraphilia/risk play, semi-public sex, hints of praise kink, overstimulation seriously, this is literally just smut with no plot whatsoever
„Stop squirming.“
The words, whispered into your ear, accompanied by Rafe’s lips grazing the sensitive skin of your neck, don’t really have the desired effect.
Really, how does he expect you to just stop squirming when you’re sitting in his lap, his hands on your waist firmly holding you in place, his strong, muscular chest pressed against your back, his erection-
You close your eyes and bite down hard on your lip, but a soft, breathy moan still escapes you.
So, he’s allowed to roll his hips up into you, to deliberately brush his erection against your back, but he somehow expects you to hold still, good girl, I know you can do it-
„That’s it.“
Rafe’s voice is strained, filled with desire and it’s all you can do to not turn around in his arms and kiss him senseless.
„Rafe, I-“
He kisses your neck, the gesture seemingly all sweet and innocent, but his hand traveling down your waist beneath the table is anything but.
Squeezing your eyes shut, you try tell to yourself to be cool, be normal, to not make any noise so as to not inadvertently draw the attention of the other patrons of the Country Club to Rafe and you.
Rafe chose a table at the far end of the terrace, and no one’s sitting in your close vicinity, but still - the wrong movement or a noise that’s just a tad too loud could clue anybody in on the fact that you’re not just innocently sitting in Rafe’s lap, but that his hand is playing with the seam of your sundress instead, that his erection is pressing against your back-
„Shh, I know you can be quiet for me.“
His words are a challenge in and of themselves, but then you can feel his fingertips on the inside of your thighs, inching ever closer to where you really need them, were you so desperately want him to touch you.
Still, you can’t help the soft whimper that escapes you when he rolls his hips again, grinding his erection against you again at the same time as his fingers brush innocently against your aching core, already wet and aching and desperate for his touch.
„Look at you“, he murmurs and you don’t need to turn around and look at him to know that he’s smirking that infuriating smirk of his. „No underwear? Shit, angel, I might start thinking that this was your plan all along …“
You bite down hard on your lip, but still, another whimper escapes you and you can feel Rafe smirking against your neck where he leaves another deceivingly innocent kiss, right as his fingertips brush over you core again. The touch featherlight and teasing, leaving you wanting, aching for more.
„Rafe, please-“
And you only need to close your eyes to imagine it: the pleased, self-satisfied look in his eyes as he looks up at you, his head between your thighs, your fingers tangled in his hair. His lips grazing your sensitive skin. Tell me how much you want it, angel.
Rafe’s always been pretty vocal, but what he loves even more is how vocal you are - or rather, the mumbling, incoherent, moaning mess he manages to turn you into.
Usually, you’re so self-assured and confident, so well-put together, but sometimes you feel as though it only needs one intense, all-consuming kiss from Rafe, paired with his possessive touch on your waist, his hands slowly, teasingly, wandering lower and lower, to turn you into an awkward school-girl with a crush, barely able to string together coherent sentences whenever you so much as look at him, see the look in his blue eyes, the wanting, the yearning-
Just then, he gives you what you want or at least a taste of it, his fingers rubbing over your clit again, though the touch is rougher, more intentional this time.
Trying to suppress a moan, you bite down hard on your lip. Of course, Rafe immediately doubles down, his fingers rubbing over your clit in a fast, unforgiving rhythm.
„Fuck, angel, you’re so wet“, he says, his voice rough and strained.
„Rafe-“
You immediately trail off when you see a waiter coming your way.
Leave, please, just leave, you think desperately, pondering about how you must look like a mess, cheeks flushed, your eyes glossy. And Rafe’s hand under the table, his fingers rubbing your clit just barely hidden from view-
At first, you don’t even notice Rafe lifting his other hand from where it was on your waist, but then you can feel his posture changing, can feel him sitting up straighter. Surely, he’s not doing what you think he’s doing, is he?
„Waiter, over here please.“
Oh, you’re going to kill him. You are so going to kill him-
Just then, Rafe’s fingers enter you. He’s not soft or teasing about it anymore, repeatedly pumping into you with his pointer and middle finger, while he keeps his thumb on your clit, steadily applying pressure.
Oh fuck.
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck.
You’re so screwed.
You barely even notice the waiter coming towards your table, because the heat in your core is building and building-
„What can I get you, Mr. Cameron?“
The cold metal of Rafe’s signet ring repeatedly grazes your sensitive skin, the added stimulation driving you crazy as always. And you know that Rafe knows how much you love his signet ring, how crazy it drives you to feel it against your skin-
„Another whiskey on the rocks, please. And you wanted another Cosmopolitan, right, angel?“
Rafe increases the pace of his fingers even more and you’re beyond grateful for the 90s grunge music playing in the background, hopefully covering the noises of your little under the table action. You’re biting down so hard on your lips that you can feel the coppery taste of blood on your tongue, just praying that no moan or sigh escapes you, but you’re defenseless against the squelching noises Rafe always elicits from your core.
In and out, he’s curling his fingers, repeatedly hitting that sweet spot-
Somehow, miraculously, you manage to pull yourself together to nod and say „Yeah, that’s right.“ Your voice sounds breathy and unusually high-pitched, but you don’t care, not when Rafe keeps hitting that sweet spot inside you, not when the pressure inside is building and building.
The waiter nods, jotting down your order, but instead of leaving, his eyes fixate on you with a concerned expression. „Hey, are you alright?“
Rafe’s signet ring grazing your sensitive skin-
His thumb rubbing over your clit, continuously applying pressure-
His fingers entering you in a brutal pace-
His erection, still pressing against your back-
And you know, even before you open your mouth to answer the waiter what is going to happen.
„Totally, just a bit exhausted“, you say, right as Rafe once again rolls his hips into you. „Nothing to worry“, you add, right as he thrusts his fingers in particularly deep.
Somehow, you manage not to whine loudly.
Somehow, you manage to hold on, coiled like a spring, watching as the waiter tells you that he’ll be back with your drinks in a moment before he finally, finally turns around again and walks away.
And then, right as the waiter walks out of your sight of view, right as Rafe hits that spit inside you again, you let go.
Dizzying, white-hot pleasure overtakes you, and you slump back against Rafe, twisting around in his arms, trying to muffle the soft, breathy moans escaping you by burying your face into the soft fabric of his blue polo shirt.
Rafe doesn’t let up though, continues to rub your clit and to pump his fingers in and out of you as your orgasm washes over you.
„Rafe-“
„Shh, angel, I know you can do it“, he whispers, coaxing a second, somehow even more intense orgasm from you.
„Fuck“, you whimper, winding your arms around Rafe’s neck, holding on for dear life as the dizzying, white-hot pleasure overtakes you.
In the background, Kurt Cobain croons about how he’ll take advantage while you hang him out to dry. Fitting.
You’re not quite sure how long it takes you to come down from your high - you just know that Rafe is there through it all, the sweet nothings he whispers into your ear, accompanied by his gentle, soft touches, guiding you through it.
After, you finally manage to lift your head up from his shoulder, meeting his blue eyes. „I’m going to kill you for that, Rafe“, you say, probably sounding and looking as threatening as a lost little puppy.
Rafe just smirks. „Sure you will, angel.“
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Rafe x Nirvana is genuinely so buzzy to me, someone please stop me-
I'm currently rewatching Outer Banks to prepare for season 5 (and because I originally kind of clocked out during season 3, but anyways), and the urge to write something for Rafe is getting stronger and stronger ... like, yes, I would definitely not want to be with a man like that in real life, but that's why we have fanfic, right? 🤭
I've got a few ideas for some (smutty) blurbs and also a vague idea for a longer, multi-chapter childhood best friends to strangers/enemies to friends to lovers again, where Reader grew up on Figure Eight and was childhood best friends with Rafe, but then her family had to move away and she returns to the OBX years later (during or post the events of season 2 I'm thinking) and the Rafe she meets now is not at all the shy but troubled kid she remembers from her childhood ...
I've also got a vague idea for a Rafe x JJ's (little) sister reader, where maybe the reader works at the country club and JJ has told her repeatedly to stay away from Rafe and the rest of the Kooks, but she's growing increasingly frustrated with JJ never really including her in any of the Pogue shenanigans and then one night after her shift ends, she runs into a distressed Rafe ... (I'll most likely ignore the canon ages of the characters for this one)
sooo, would anyone be interested in any of these fic ideas? 👀
Haymitch Abernathy x best friend! reader || 18+; MDNI! || masterlist
Haymitch tasted like liquor and tears and pain, and he was kissing you so hungrily, so desperately, it felt as though he wanted to drown all of his sorrows in you.
And you let him.
c.w.: angsty smut; messy and complicated relationships, friends with benefits; unprotected sex (always wrap it before you tap it!); Haymitch is kind of OoC in this one ... 5.1.k
now playing ...
You’re not quite sure how it all started.
For years, you’d been Haymitch’s best friend and never more than that. For years, you had to watch him being head over heels in love with Lenore Dove, all while trying to swallow down your own feelings for him, trying to pretend as though your heart wasn’t breaking into pieces whenever he had his arm around her waist, looking at her with so much love and longing in his eyes.
He’d never looked at you that way. Of course he hadn’t - after all, you were just his best friend.
You were best friends, nothing more, nothing less. And the fact that you were desperately in love with him didn’t change anything.
You’d never acted on your feelings, never even spent much thought on ever confessing your feelings to him - what with how purely and obviously he was in love with Lenore Dove, you knew that doing so would only end with your heart broken into a thousand pieces.
So you continued trying to swallow down your love for Haymitch, trying to distract yourself with other boys from the seam, even though every time you kissed someone else, your mind would inevitably flash to bright grey eyes and thick, dark curls.
Still, you never said anything to Haymitch, continuing to act as though everything between you two was as it had always been. You’d probably never have said anything, never confessed, if it hadn’t been for the Hunger Games. Because when he got reaped - well, not exactly reaped, it was more of a chain of very unfortunate events that lead to him standing on that stage - you knew, deep down, that even though you didn’t want to accept the highly likely possibility of your best friend dying within a few days’ time, you’d most likely never see him again.
And so when it came time to say goodbye to him, you flung your arms around him, tears of frustration and anger and hopelessness streaming down your face.
„You’ve got to come back, Haymitch“, you managed to get out between sobs.
You’ve got to come back to me. You can’t leave me.
He said your name, his voice sounding weary and strained.
You shook your head, lifting your head from his shoulder to look up at him, glaring. „No, Haymitch, you’ve got to come back. Please, I - I can’t loose you - I love you!“
There, you said it.
No going back now.
Haymitch’s grey eyes widened with shock. His face was full of pain and confusion and for a fleeting moment, another emotion you couldn’t quite decipher flashed in his bright grey eyes.
You bit down hard on your lip, your vision blurry with new tears filling your eyes.
This is stupid.
You shouldn’t have said that - of course you shouldn’t have, because what did you expect him to reply? He was deeply in love with Lenore Dove, and you knew that.
„I’m sorry“, you managed to get out between silent sobs, and then, because you couldn’t take this strained, loaded silence anymore, you turned around, ignoring Haymitch’s increasingly desperate pleas for you to stay.
That wasn’t how you’d wanted your goodbye with Haymitch to go, but there was no point dwelling on that now, not when there were bigger things to worry about what with the Hunger Games only being a few days away.
In hindsight, you’re not quite sure how you made it through the following days. It was agony, this feeling of being trapped here in district twelve, all while your best friend was fighting for his life in the arena. Every day, you felt torn between not wanting to know anything about what was happening in the arena and obsessively following any news of the Games.
You felt so angry and frustrated and helpless - and then, suddenly, it was all over.
The Games were over and the victor was being announced. And it was none other than district twelve’s very own Haymitch Abernathy.
Though you’d soon come to learn that no one ever truly wins the Games. There are survivors, but there are never any winners.
First, it was Haymitch’s family, his Ma and sweet little Sid. You tried to help them, tried to get them out of the burning house, and almost died in the fire yourself. It was Burdock that pulled you out of the flames just in time.
And while you were still recovering, Asterid trying her best to nurse you back to health, Lenore Dove died.
The moment you deemed yourself fit enough to make the walk over towards the victor’s village, you got up from bed, ignoring Asterid’s concerned protests.
Yet when you arrived at Haymitch’s mansion, he was nowhere to be found. Determined to wait for him to get back, you sat down on the doorsteps, drawing your knees to your chest, and waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Night had long since fallen and he still hadn’t come back.
But just when you were deciding to go looking for him, you heard the telltale sound of footsteps walking towards you.
„You shouldn’t be here.“
You shouldn’t be here.
The words echoing through your mind, you slowly got up from the ground, your fury building as you saw the calm and controlled expression on Haymitch’s face. You knew that expression, knew it far too well. Knew that it was the face he made whenever he wanted to seem distant and unfazed, but you could see the storm of emotion in his grey eyes, even as he tried to avoid your furious gaze.
You shouldn’t be here.
He’d almost died in the Hunger Games - his mom and Sid and Lenore Dove had died and you hadn’t seen each other in weeks, your last words to him had been an ill-advised, tearful confession of your true feelings for him, and this was the first thing he said to you?
You shouldn’t be here.
You crossed your arms in front of your chest, looking at Haymitch, who was standing a few feet away from you.
„Haymitch.“
He sighed frustratedly, running a hand through his dark curls in distress. That’s when you noticed it - the almost empty bottle of liquor in his hand. So that explained the weird smell and the way his words seemed to have a slurred edge to them.
„Haymitch, I-“
He interrupted you, saying your name. „I mean it. You really shouldn’t be here.“
„Haymitch!“, you burst out, crossing the distance between you two and reaching out a hand towards him, but he flinched, taking a step back from you.
You opened your mouth, but no sound came out. Instead, you could feel your eyes filling with hot, angry tears and you bit down hard on your lip, trying not to sob.
„I don’t - I don’t understand“, you said, the words barely more than a broken whisper.
Haymitch didn’t look at you as he walked past you. When he reached the threshold of his mansion, all he said was: „You should leave.“
And that was it - he didn’t even turn around again, didn’t even deign you with a look back, before letting the door fall shut behind him.
Numb with shock, you stood rooted to the spot.
What had just happened?
Sure, what with everything that had happened, you hadn’t exactly expected him to greet you with cheerful enthusiasm, but you hadn’t expected whatever this was.
He hadn’t even looked at you, almost as if the sight of your burn marks was too much for him, too ugly to look at.
Your best friend of almost ten years, and all he’d said to you was that you shouldn’t be here.
„Fuck you, Haymitch Abernathy“, you said to the cold night air.
But even though anger at his behavior was coursing through you, you were determined not to give up. Not when it was clear that he was grieving and deeply affected by everything that had happened during the Games.
Not when it was clear that he needed someone at his side, someone to just be there for him, no matter how many times he told you to leave.
Because even months later, long after his victory tour, with the next Hunger Games only a few more weeks away, you were still coming by his mansion regularly.
The sight of Haymitch drunk and broken and helpless broke your heart every time you saw him, causing you to be even more determined not to give up.
„You’re not going to get rid of me, Haymitch“, you told him the night before the reaping of the 51st Hunger Games.
When he returned from the capitol some weeks later, the look in his eyes was even more haunted, the venom and vitriol in his words even more biting.
„Just leave! Just leave me alone, I don’t want you here!“, he yelled, his chest heaving.
But you just shook your head, crossing the distance between you, until you were standing right in front of him and could feel his warm, uneven breath on your face.
„No. I’m not-“
„Just leave me alone! I don’t want you here!“
He was still yelling. The bitter scent of his liquor colored breath hit you, and you could see the pain and fury written clear across his face, the unshed tears in his haunted eyes.
„I’m not leaving you, Haymitch!“
You’d raised your voice as well. You stepped even closer towards him, closing the last bit of distance between you so that your bodies were pressed flush against each other.
You felt the heavy, uneven rise and fall of his chest, causing you to wonder whether he could feel the way your heart was hammering inside your chest as well.
„If you even think for just a second that I’d just leave you alone-“
The rest of your words was swallowed by Haymitch’s lips.
The kiss was rough and bruising and full of angry desperation. Haymitch tasted like liquor and tears and pain, and he was kissing you so hungrily, so desperately it felt as though he wanted to drown all of his sorrows in you.
And you let him.
That was how it all started - with both of you searching for an outlet for your grief and anger, trying to drown your sorrows in each other.
It was rough and messy and even painful at times, especially when Haymitch would inevitably pull away from you again afterwards. Which he always did - one moment he was buried deep inside you, the wild and hungry look in his grey eyes holding you captive as he hooked your leg over his shoulder, the flint striker he never, never took off dangling from his neck, creating a barrier between you even in this incredibly intimate moment; and the next he’d be getting up from his bed, pulling on his shirt and reaching for a bottle of liquor again.
At first, you tried to breach the barrier between you, tried talking to him, tried to address the fact that he was running through more liquor bottles than you could keep track of.
But he always shut you out, again and again and again, creating impenetrable walls around himself, that you couldn’t breach, no matter what you tried.
You didn’t understand it. One moment, his head was buried between your thighs or he had you positioned in his lap, his strong hands gripping your waist, guiding your movements as you moved up and down on his cock - but when it was over, he would always shut you out, always turn into this new, cold and cruel version of himself.
But you knew that the old Haymitch was still in there somewhere, the Haymitch you’d fallen in love with all these years ago. And while you knew that what had happened to him in the Games and afterwards had forever changed him and that he’d never truly be the same again, you also knew that if your situations were reversed, Haymitch wouldn’t even entertain the idea of giving up on you.
And so, you stayed, allowing him to break your heart with every kiss pressed to your neck, with every thrust of his hips, with every kiss that he denied you - because after that first time, he never kissed you again. His lips had explored nearly every inch of your body, except for your lips.
Maybe it was too intimate for him.
Maybe it should have been your sign that this was never going to work out the way you secretly still dreamed of.
Because while you knew that for Haymitch this thing between you was just sex, for you, it was so much more than that.
Because even after everything that had happened, you were still in love with him.
And now, almost seven years after that first ill-advised, inevitable night together, here you are.
Your head thrown back in the pillows, your hands tangled in Haymitch’s dark curls as his head is buried between your thighs and he’s licking relentlessly at your folds, coaxing another orgasm out of your wrecked, spent body.
His tongue hits that sweet spot inside you again and again and again and you can feel your vision blurring. Your grip on his hair tightens.
„Haymitch, I - I can’t“, you try to plead with him. „I-“
But your incoherent mumbling turns into another loud moan when he presses his thumb to your clit again, his other hand splayed possessively over your stomach, holding you down as your hips attempt to buck up off the bed.
You can feel your eyes filling with tears.
It’s all so much, all so overwhelming.
Haymitch has already coaxed three orgasms out of you, first with nothing but his body moving against yours as he had you in his lap, both of you still fully clothed, desperately chasing the building friction between you.
Then, his hand had found its way inside your underwear and he’d brought you to the brink of pleasure again in what felt like no time at all.
By then, you’d already felt dizzy and wrung out, but the gleam in Haymitch’s eyes as he lowered your body down onto the bed and kissed his way down your middle told you that he was just getting started.
Sometimes you think that he only truly comes alive during sex - which is a ridiculous thought, you know that. But then you meet his eyes again and see the wicked, dark gleam in them and-
„Fuck, Haymitch, I-“
The rest of your words is drowned out in an embarrassingly loud moan as a white hot wave of pleasure hits you.
You tighten your grip on Haymitch’s dark curls and you think you can hear him release a strangled groan in response, but it’s all so much. You’re still coming down from your high, but the added stimulation of Haymitch greedily lapping up your juices has you writhing on the bed, trying desperately to buck up your hips.
You’re a moaning, incoherent mess by the time Haymitch lets up.
Distantly, you register him moving up your body again, register the flintstriker dangling from his neck, brushing the skin of your collarbone as he presses an unusually tender kiss to your forehead.
„Fuck, you’re amazing“, he says breathlessly, brushing a strand of hair from your forehead.
You can feel his erection pressing against your stomach, can feel the heavy rise and fall of his chest.
Your gaze finds his again and the blissed-out haze in his grey eyes is so intoxicating, you find yourself reaching for his erection, stroking it slowly the way you know always drives him insane, despite how dizzy and exhausted you still feel.
But there’s something so intoxicating about moments like these, something so irresistible about the way Haymitch is looking at you, his mouth falling open as you pick up the pace of your strokes.
It’s moments like these that always make you believe that maybe you can have more than just these stolen moments.
Hope is a dangerous thing to have, you know that, but when Haymitch says your name again, his voice barely more than a strained whisper, you gather all your strength to move down his body, taking him in your mouth.
And hearing the strangled moan Haymitch lets out makes it all worth it.
It always does.
Every time your broken, bleeding heart shatters when he inevitably pulls away from you again afterwards.
Every time he shuts you out, again and again, hiding behind his walls.
Every time he gets up from bed without a word or even a look back at you.
In the end, they’re all worth it.
Because there’s no better sound than Haymitch’s broken moans, no better feeling than pushing yourself past your own limits, taking him deeper and deeper, hearing him whisper your name like a broken prayer, feeling his hold on your hair tighten, his strained „Fuck!“, before he’s coming down your throat.
You greedily swallow every last drop, watching him lose the fight against pleasure, his lips falling open, his features relaxing, his eyes rolling back.
There’s no better feeling than the rush you get from seeing him like this, knowing that you’re the only one who gets to see him like this.
He might not love you back, might never return your feelings, but you’re the only one who gets to see him like this. You’re the only one who gets to see this side of him.
It’s not what you want, not really, and it’s not what you’ve always imagined love to be like, but it’s all that he’s willing to give you.
And if you can’t have his heart, you’ll take everything else he’s willing to offer you.
His grey eyes find yours again, the expression in them full of a pleasure drunk haze, and for the moment, everything else simply ceases to exist.
There’s only him and his gaze holding you captive, and the still burning desire between you two, despite the exhaustion catching up to you both.
No words are needed.
Not when you’re both still burning, frantically reaching for each other, desperate for more. It doesn’t take more than a few hurried, frenzied touches, and you’re in his lap again, sinking down on him, taking all of him in.
You set a slow, punishing pace.
His hands are gripping your waist, his touch burning your skin, and in the back of your mind you can’t help but wish for his touch to leave marks on your skin. Permanent ones, just like the handprint he’s left on your bruised heart.
Your eyes meet.
You’re so incredibly full, and there’s only Haymitch, his hands on your waist, his gaze burning into yours, his breathless, strained moans like a bittersweet symphony to your ears.
Your name falls from his lips again, and then -
And then -
And then he leans forward, his lips finding yours in a desperate, bruising kiss.
After, you fall back against the bed, your body completely spent.
Your mind still in a frenzy, replaying that kiss you shared with Haymitch over and over again. The way his lips had moved against yours so desperately, the way it had felt as though he was trying to pour everything he’d ever left unspoken into the kiss-
You’re drawn out of your thoughts by Haymitch laying down beside you and reaching for the sheets, covering you both.
He’s never done that before.
Never.
Usually, he either gets up immediately after, pulling on his shirt and leaving the room or he sits back against the headboard, reaching for a bottle of liquor.
Never before has he stayed in bed with you, though.
He doesn’t reach out for you or cuddle you to his side, doesn’t do anything to acknowledge your presence, really, except for pulling the sheets over both your bodies.
And maybe that is enough.
At least for now.
Something shifts in the dynamic between you and Haymitch after that.
It started with the kiss and him staying in bed with you after you’d slept together. Of course, Haymitch is still Haymitch - you can still feel him pulling away whenever things get too emotional, too real.
But some things are different.
Now, whenever you sleep together - which seems to be happening even more than before, now that you think about it - Haymitch usually stays with you afterwards. More often than not, he just pulls the sheets over both of you, falling asleep some time later without saying anything else to you.
But there’s this one time where you’re so desperate for each other that you don’t even make it back to the bedroom of his victor’s mansion and you end up pressed against the cold tiles of the shower in his bathroom. You just wanted to take a shower after wearing yourself out with Haymitch last night - these days it also feels as though you’ve quietly moved into his mansion, you can’t even remember the last time you’ve slept in your own bed in your family’s house in the Seam - but then Haymitch entered the bathroom and one thing led to the other.
Now, your body is pressed against the cold tiles of the shower stall, as Haymitch enters you from behind, one arm slung across your stomach, pressing your body against his, the other working on your clit, the added stimulation to the hard, punishing pace he’s setting making you dizzy, leaning back even more against him.
There’s no other sound but that of the water still running, the sound of skin slapping against skin and the wet, squelching noises he coaxes out of your cunt, mixed together with the high, breathy moans that leave you.
„Fuck, Haymitch, I can’t-“, you whimper, your words turning into yet another loud moan.
Blindly, desperately, you reach for his hand that’s still slung across your stomach, interlacing your fingers together.
„Fuck, that’s it“, Haymitch groans when he can feel you tightening around him. „That’s it.“
Something about the way he says your name, his voice breathy and full of pleasure, combined with his hard, punishing thrusts, breaks you and you squeeze his hand as pleasure overtakes you.
You throw your head back, pressing yourself against him, and then your eyes find Haymitch’s.
And he doesn’t let go, squeezes your hand back, doesn’t take his eyes off of you, as he comes inside of you, his grey eyes still dark and hungry with lust searching yours.
It’s so intense, so new, so real that you come again right then and there, your lips falling open, an embarrassingly loud, broken moan escaping you.
„Fuck“, Haymitch breathes, and then he’s pulling out of you, and you barely register him coming all over your stomach as he turns you around in his arms, his hands landing on the small of your back, as he hugs you to him.
You wind your arms around his neck, your head falling into the crook of his neck.
You’re not quite sure how long you stay like this, pressed against each other, the water still raining down on you, quietly shaking in each other’s arms.
Eventually, Haymitch turns off the shower, scooping you up in his arms and carrying you over to the edge of the bathtub, where he gently rubs you dry with a soft towel, before giving you the shirt he was wearing earlier.
It’s ridiculously oversized on you, but you can’t complain, not when it feels so soft and worn and smells like Haymitch.
Haymitch, who’s still kneeling down on the floor before you, his eyes finding yours again.
There’s a bright, intoxicating gleam in his eyes, and despite how tired and spent you feel, you find yourself nodding, your hands tangling in his dark curls as he buries his head between your thighs.
Later, he carries you over to the bedroom again, gently lowering your body down on the mattress. He doesn’t say anything as he gets into bed beside you, he just reaches for you, slinging one arm across your waist, drawing your body in against his.
Slowly, tentatively, you reach out your hand, but his open hand is already waiting for you.
Interlacing your fingers together, you close your eyes, and fall asleep almost immediately, exhausted and spent as you are.
You don’t notice Haymitch’s grip on you tightening, don’t notice him closing his eyes as he presses a soft kiss to your neck, don’t notice his heart beating wildly in his chest as he realizes that he’s completely defenseless when it comes to you and his feelings for you - feelings that he’s seemingly not able to fight against any longer, despite trying his best for years to keep them buried deep, deep down, to not let you into his heart, to keep you away and locked out-
It’s no use, he realizes, his heart lurching.
Because try as he might to keep you away, to scare you off like he did with everyone else, you’ll always be there.
Because you’re you and you’ve always been there for him. He’s tried pushing you away time and time again, and yet - you’ve always found your way back to him.
To each other.
Unconsciously tightening his grip on you, he realizes with a sudden, frightening clarity that the prospect of you not being there anymore scares him more than the thought of finally letting you in, of really breaking down his walls for you.
Fuck.
The next morning, you wake up in Haymitch’s arms.
He’s stopped wearing the flint striker.
You don’t really notice it, until one day, you see it laying on his bedside table and the sight of it has you freezing in your tracks.
And then it hits you - you can’t remember the last time he wore it.
He used to wear it all the time, and the sight of it was so ingrained in your thoughts that it almost seemed like a physical manifestation of the walls he’d built around his heart.
And now, for him to not wear it-
You don’t know what to make of it.
Which is why Haymitch finds you, still rooted to the spot and staring at the flint ststriker in cold fear minutes - really, how long has it been, you’ve lost all track of time - later. He hugs you from behind, his arms closing around your waist, and then his lips find your neck and he quietly says your name-
„Haymitch.“
He’s kissing your neck and his hands are already starting to wander lower, but you say his name again, and now he must pick up on the dread in your voice, because his lips leave your neck.
„What’s wrong?“
You feel so cold, despite Haymitch still hugging you and wearing an oversized sweater of his.
„Haymitch, I-“, you say, and why, why are you eyes already filling with tears, why is your heart pounding inside your chest, why-
Haymitch says your name and something about the way he says it, so soft and sincere, breaks you down completely.
Blindly, you reach for the flint striker, and, turning around in his arms, press it into his hand.
This is it.
He knew that the moment was coming and yet-
He should’ve known-
Should’ve known better than to keep pushing you away, to keep building up his walls again and again, to shut you out, when all he really wanted was to let you in.
And now, it’s too late.
Too late.
Haymitch just stares down at the flint striker, not saying anything.
„Haymitch“, you whisper at the same time as he says your name.
Your eyes find Haymitch’s and you have to squint against the rising sun bathing his bedroom in warm, golden light.
„I don’t-“, Haymitch starts to say, but then he trails off.
You can see his grey eyes filling with tears and acting on instinct alone, not even conscious of the movement, you reach up with your free hand to brush a stray curl out of Haymitch’s face.
He shivers, his grip on the flint striker and your other hand tightening.
„Haymitch“, you say, but despite your heart pounding wildly in your chest, you’ve never felt so sure of anything, „I knew who I fell in love with. And this - this is part of who you are. Part of the reason why I …“, now, you do falter when you feel the intensity of his gaze, feel his warm, uneven breath on your skin, but you keep going.
„Part of the reason why I - I love you“, you finish shakily.
Your knees feel like jelly.
You’re breathless and shaking and caught between the urge to just up and leave, to take back everything you’ve just said and-
„Fuck.“ Haymitch sounds just as out of breath and shaken as you do, if not even more. „I“, he breathes in, your name falling from his lips like a broken prayer, and then his eyes find yours again. „I - I love you so much and I - … I love you.“
I love you. I loye you. I love you.
The words echo through your mind, and yet you can’t make sense of them.
Is this actually happening?
It can’t be.
And yet-
Eyes filled with unshed tears, you look up at Haymitch again.
„Haymitch.“ Your voice is barely more than a whisper. „Haymitch, I-“
„I love you“, he says again, resting his forehead against yours. He squeezes your hand, the flint striker caught between both your hands, digging against your skin.
It hurts, but not as much as it used to.
The sensation is barely even there, in fact, you’re so distracted by everything else that you hardly notice it.
Haymitch squeezes your hand again and you can feel his lips forming a smile against your skin.
„I love you.“
It’s Reaping Day.
Lying in Haymitch’s arms, you watch as the sun rises, bathing the room in an unforgivingly bright light.
Things are - different than they used to be.
Haymitch still has bad days and nights, lots of them actually. More often than not, you’re woken up in the middle of the night, realizing with a cold fear that Haymitch is yet again plagued by nightmares. He still drinks in order to numb the pain and to try and forget.
But he always comes back to you, opening up to you and letting you in, not shutting you out any longer.
And so, painful recollection by painful recollection, you learn about everything that happened during and after his Games.
Beside you, you can feel Haymitch going stiff with fear of what lies ahead. You know exactly what he’s thinking - that he still hasn’t kept the sun from rising on Reaping Day.
And so, you turn around in his arms, meeting his eyes. You brush a stray curl out of his face, fingertips lingering on his forehead.
And as the sun hits, you say: „I love you, Haymitch.“
divider by @uzmacchiato
well, here we are!! initially, this was supposed to feature an even darker side of Haymitch, but I seem to be incapable of writing him in a way where he doesn't eventually end up falling in love with the reader ... tell me what you think? <3
“There might be another option, though”, he says hesitantly. “I don’t know whether it’ll work, and you’re sure as hell not going to like it, Princess.”
You sigh, trying to brace yourself for the worst. “Just tell me.”
He laughs dryly, avoiding your gaze. “Well, we could get - you could marry me.”
Or: Eleven years after the second Quarter Quell, Haymitch Abernathy’s life takes a sudden turn for the unexpected when your name is drawn in the Reaping.
After weathering through a less than ideal start, you slowly start to realize that there’s more to Haymitch than just the drunk, cynical recluse you’ve always known him to be. And though he’d never wanted it to happen, Haymitch starts to feel the walls he’d built to keep everyone away crumbling whenever he’s around you as well.
But the Capitol, and especially President Snow is always watching, and soon enough Haymitch finds himself faced with an impossible choice …
contents & t.w.: mentions of canon-typical violence; angst!!, arranged marriage; slow-burn with a sprinkle of enemies to lovers; age gap! (Haymitch is in his late twenties, Reader is 18 at the start of the story); mentions & discussions of alcoholism; eventual smut in later parts; spoilers for SotR, minor original characters (mainly reader‘s father & two younger brothers and her best friend - while these characters will get some pagetime, the main focus of this story will absolutely be the relationship between Haymitch and reader!); mentions and discussions of grief, trauma and death
I try my best not to mention detailed descriptions of reader's physical appearance, but please lmk if I missed something!( though I can't resist reader having long enough hair for someone else (who could it be lol) to tuck strands of it behind her ear)
key: 🦋 fluff || 🪷 angst || 💫 smut
Chapter 1 🪷🪷 || After being reaped for the 61st Hunger Games, you and your mentor Haymitch Abernathy are off to a rather rocky start … [5.1k]
Chapter 2 🪷🦋 || Surviving the Hunger Games was only the beginning. As you try to navigate through this strange, terrifying new life, you find comfort in someone you least expected it from, but new threats are already rising … [4.7k]
Chapter 3 🪷🦋 || After your interview with Caesar, Haymitch starts to distance himself from you. What will it take for him to let you in again? [5.3k]
Chapter 4 🪷 || Being back in District Twelve isn’t at all the silver lining you’d imagined it to be [4.9k]
Chapter 5 🪷 || After making it through your victory tour, new threats arise back in the Capitol … [4.6k]
Chapter 6 🪷🦋 || In the midst of desperation, you and Haymitch strike a deal … [4.5k]
Chapter 7 🪷🦋 || After the chaos following your engagement, you and Haymitch finally get a quiet moment to yourselves on New Year’s… [5.5k]
i finally finished & uploaded chapter seven!! this chapter was such a difficult chapter to write for me, but I'm really happy with how it turned out - it's got lots of emotional turmoil, some Hayffie friendship crumbs and new revelations :)
Haymitch Abernathy x f!reader || series masterlist
Summary: After the chaos following your engagement to Haymitch, you come to a terrible realization … 5.5k
AN: Happy (super) belated birthday, Haymitch! I’m truly sorry for not being able to get this chapter out sooner, but life really has been kind of chaotic lately and I’m still trying to (re-)establish a more consistent writing schedule. Anyways, here’s chapter seven - it’s got loads of drama and emotional turmoil, some Hayffie friendship crumbs and more!
This chapter was particularly difficult for me to write - I hope you like it and I really hope that Effie’s characterization doesn’t feel too far off! I debated whether to include so much of her in this chapter, but she’s always been a super intriguing character to me and an important part of Haymitch’s life as well - and maybe even a key to the past? We’ll see! ;)
Hand shaking, Haymitch reaches for his almost empty liquor bottle, filling himself another glass. He’s gone through almost an entire bottle in what feels like a just few minutes, which is a new low, even for him.
But there’s nothing else he can think of doing to stop his thoughts from spiraling.
All of the lights are on them and he can feel the weight of hundreds of hungry eyes on him, but when she catches his gaze, everything else fades away, even if just for this one moment-
He can feel her shaking in his arms, can smell the sweet and subtle, yet intoxicating scent of her perfume, has to resist the urge to-
The sensation of the liquor bottle slipping from his fingers, accompanied by the loud clattering noise of it hitting the floor and the glass breaking into pieces harshly draws him out of his thoughts.
Cursing under his breath, he leans forward to clean up the mess he’s made, but then his eyes catch on the wedding band on his ring finger, and everything comes crashing back down on him again.
It’s like waking up from a nightmare, startling to sit upright, heart still pounding in his chest, his body drenched in cold sweat-
Except that there’s no way out of this, no way to put an end to this particular nightmare. He can try to drown his sorrows in alcohol all he wants, can try to numb his thoughts and feelings the only way he knows, but the outcome won’t change.
It never does.
He is going to marry her.
They are going to get married - and then they’ll live out their unlikely yet providential happily ever after for the Capitol and all of Panem to witness.
To partake in.
To distract themselves with.
To exploit.
Blindly, he reaches out with his free hand, grasping for another liquor bottle, anything, anything else that he can throw against the wall and watch it shatter into a thousand pieces. The urge to destroy not just his own thoughts and feelings but something else has never felt as intense and all-consuming as it does now, and he’s really not quite sure why this whole marriage thing bothers him this much - after all, it’s not as though his life has ever really been his own.
Everyone and everything he ever cared about has already been taken away from him, killed and destroyed, their blood as much on his hands as it is on Snow’s, except-
Except that that isn’t true, not anymore.
Not everyone he’s ever cared about has been taken away from him.
No, there’s still someone left he cares about - he can try to deny it all he wants, can try to be angry at himself that despite all his better reasoning he eventually broke down his walls and let her in, but the truth of the matter still stands - and now, he’s basically handed her life to Snow on a silver platter.
He thought that he was being clever, thought that he was protecting them both, but what if he only made matters worse for the both of them? What if there is truly no way out of this, no way to ever stop the sun from rising on Reaping Day?
Crying out in anguish, he falls back against the chair he was sitting on earlier, barely registering the pain of the glass pieces digging into his skin.
Distantly, he registers the new blood stains on the carpet, registers the pain in his arms.
But nothing is worse than the pain of a broken, shattered heart, and so he just continues to sit there slumped against the chair, staring off into nothingness, letting his thoughts spiral and spiral and spiral.
Until someone else enters his room.
It’s the middle of the night.
The clock next to your bed reads 4.13 a.m, and yet you’re still wide awake.
You’ve been lying awake, tossing and turning, trying to get your anxious mind to calm down for what feels like an eternity now and yet nothing works. Of course it doesn’t - not after Haymitch publicly proposed to you on national television and the chaotic celebrations that followed immediately.
A number of Capitolites had taken matters into their own hands and thrown together an impromptu party which you’d only managed to excuse yourself from sometime after midnight.
If your own situation weren’t so dire, you’d probably stop and wonder if there’s anything else these people in the capitol do besides throwing parties and attending parties and living vicariously through the thrilling dangers of the Hunger Games - the words from one of your sponsors, not your own.
As it is though, the question of what these capitol people do on a daily basis is the least of your concerns. Instead, thoughts of whether you truly did the right thing or whether you’ve only made matters worse for yourself and Haymitch, and of what is going to happen next have been plaguing you all night.
You know that you’re not going to find any answers to these questions, lying here in the dark of your bedroom, your far too smooth satin sheets already thrown to the side a few hours ago. And even though he might not be able to give you any reassuring answers, you know that there’s only one person you want to talk to right now.
So, you do what you’ve secretly yearned to do from the moment you’ve managed to excuse yourself from the festivities and returned to your room - you get up from your bed and leave your room.
Since you’re once again staying at the facilities above the training center, you know your way around these rooms, even in the pitch black of the night, the lights in the hallway leading to the dining room only shining dimly. Quietly, you close the door to your room behind you, allowing yourself a moment to let your gaze linger on the door to the room next to yours. It’s the room Kai stayed in before the Games.
Kai. What would he say if he were still here with you right now?
Briskly, you turn around, hurrying through the hallway towards Haymitch’s room, and knock on the door. Thinking about Kai feels like re-opening a barely healed wound, and you’re not sure whether the pain of losing him will ever become bearable. Probably not.
You knock again - still no answer.
After all, he was your best friend, the person you trusted most-
Just then, you decide to throw caution to the wind and carefully open the door to Haymitch’s room. And the moment your eyes take in the chaos in front of you, all thoughts about Kai are instantly wiped from your mind.
„Haymitch?! Haymitch are you - what happened?“
Letting the door fall shut behind you, you hurry over to Haymitch’s side. „Haymitch? Haymitch, can you hear me?“
Panic surging inside you, you kneel down next to Haymitch, grabbing his shoulder and shaking him. You probably shouldn’t shake a what you assume to be unconscious person this roughly, but there’s so much blood on the carpet and Haymitch is still slumped against the chair and-
You can’t lose him.
Not like this.
Not now.
„Haymitch come on, talk to me! Haymitch!“
You’re so caught up in all the horrible, gruesome scenarios your anxious mind keeps coming up with that you almost miss the faint cough coming from Haymitch. But then his grey eyes find yours, and for just this moment, your mind stops spinning.
„S-sorry Princess“, Haymitch says, coughing weakly, „probably not my best look.“
„You idiot!“
Your hand moves of its own accord, faintly punching Haymitch in the shoulder, before your mind has caught up with the movement. Haymitch winces, and your lips are already forming an apology, but then he grins crookedly, causing you to glare at him.
„Haymitch, you can’t - you can’t just do something like that, I-“
You can feel your throat closing up. Your eyes are filling with tears, threatening to spill.
„You’re such an idiot, Haymitch“, you whisper, your voice strained, as you once again throw caution to the wind and throw your arms around Haymitch, hugging him to you. Convincing yourself that he’s still here, still by your side.
Don’t scare me like that again.
Haymitch lets out a surprised noise, but then you can feel his arms closing around you, his hands soothingly rubbing your back.
His head resting on the crook of your shoulder, he whispers: „I won’t, Princess. I promise.“
Squinting against the cold, bright light of the bathroom, you dip the cloth into the warm water in the basin, watching as the water turns an even darker shade of red. Fortunately, most of Haymitch’s wounds are just shallow cuts, but there’s a few deeper ones that have you feeling out of your depth just by looking at them.
Maybe you’re overreacting or maybe it’s just everything that’s happened in the last few hours finally catching up to you, but cleaning up Haymitch’s wounds and trying to think of what you’re going to do to treat the deeper cuts has you feeling as though you’re back in the arena, taking care of an ally’s wounds.
The part of you that’s still able to think rationally knows that right now, you’re in the rooms above the training center, cleaning Haymitch’s wounds. Still, all of the blood and the sight of his injured arms and hands reminds you of that time you’d stitched up a wound in Kai’s arm with shaking hands-
„- you still with me?“
In fact, your hands had been shaking so badly that to this day, you’re still surprised that you’d managed to not make Kai’s injury even worse. But he’d desperately needed stitches and by this point in the Games, your allies were either dead or separated from you, and so you were the only option.
„Princess?“
Haymitch’s fingers gently touching your wrist is what finally snaps you back to reality.
You shake your head, squeezing your eyes shut for a moment.
You’re here. You’re safe, you try to tell yourself.
You’re not in the arena - you’ve survived the Games.
Or at least the part of the Games you always knew about.
„Hey.“
Haymitch says your name and something in the way he says it causes you to look at him. His grey eyes find yours.
For a moment, neither one of you says anything.
You can see the way Haymitch looks at you, the way he’s searching for answers, trying to decipher what exactly it is that’s got you so shaken up. And you - you want to confide in him, you do.
Still, you find yourself saying: „Haymitch, I mean it - you have to keep still.“
„Sorry, Princess.“ Though his words are accompanied by his signature crooked grin, you can see the still-lingering concern for you in his eyes.
Breathing in deeply, you wring out the washcloth. „I’m sorry - I - I didn’t mean to …“
You trail off, not entirely sure how to finish your sentence. There’s a lot that you want to say to Haymitch - that you’ve been meaning to say to him, actually. How you’re concerned about him and his alcohol consumption. How you want him to get better, even though you know that it’s entirely his decision and no amount of well-wishing on your part can force him to become sober. How you’re even more worried for him now, with everything that’s happened during your victory tour. How you’re worried about your family - will the capitol find a way to somehow drag Felix and Will into this mess? Because while you might be a victor and safe from ever getting reaped for the Games again, the same can’t be said for your brothers.
And they’re both still so young-
„No, I get it“, Haymitch says while you tend to another wound. „You can’t save everybody …“ The far-away look in his eyes tells you that he’s most likely reliving painful memories of his own as his voice turns bitter. „Believe me, I know.“
„Haymitch …“, you whisper, not quite knowing what to say.
You want to tell him that it’s alright, that he can trust you, that you’ll listen to whatever he wants to tell you next, but when your eyes find his again, you know that you’ve already lost.
Because while just a few moments ago, his eyes were full of concern and empathy, now his expression is guarded and closed-off. It’s an expression that you’ve come know only too well.
„Haymitch, I-“
„You should leave - get some rest“, he says, not looking at you. „I’ve already held you up for too long, and you …“, he trails off, his eyes briefly meeting yours, but before your can say anything else, he’s already shaking his head, his lips twisting into a bitter smile, before he finishes his sentence. „You should get some rest.“
„Haymitch.“
You want to plead and rage at the same time. You want to tell Haymitch that he needs to stop being an idiot and that he’s no reason to be scared of confiding in you, but you know him too well to know that your conversation’s reached a point where it’s useless to try and argue with him now. Not when his eyes have taken on that far-away look and when he’s already closed himself off from you.
And even though you’re beyond frustrated at him for shutting you out right now, you also understand him. Or at least you think you do - because even though you might not have Haymitch figured out entirely, after becoming a victor yourself, you understand this deep-rooted, almost desperate longing to be left alone with your fears and worries only too well, even if it’s at odds with your equally strong desire to not have to deal with everything alone.
Still, you can’t help but wonder whether it will ever end, this feeling as though you’ve finally broken through his walls, only to realize that your one step forward was accompanied by three backward steps.
You’re too exhausted to ponder the question, though. And so you leave the cloth in the basin, leaving the room without glancing back at Haymitch.
The next morning, he wakes with a throbbing headache.
Which he more than deserves, he thinks, unable to think of anything else but the sad, resigned expression on her face after he’d told her that she should leave and get some rest.
He’d wanted her to leave the room to get a moment alone to try and sort out his confusing, terrifying thoughts, but the moment the door had closed behind her, he’d already regretted his words.
He didn’t want to be alone, not really.
But then, he’s never truly wanted to be alone, despite spending the last eleven years doing his best to shut himself off from the rest of the world entirely.
He doesn’t want to be alone, has never enjoyed not being surrounded by friends or family, yet he only has to remember all the blood on his hands to know why he isolated himself from everyone else.
And now, isolation is no longer an option.
Of course, he can still shut her out emotionally, but knowing Snow, the President will have them both paraded around the entirety of Panem for all that it’s worth. He won’t be allowed to be district twelve’s sullen town recluse anymore, at least not for the following weeks.
This whole marriage thing puts him right back into the limelight, and yet he can’t say that he regrets proposing the idea to her. Not if there’s even the slimmest chance that it might actually save her, save them both, from an even worse fate.
A persistent knock on his door, followed by Effie telling him to get up because there’s a big, big, big day ahead finally interrupts his thoughts from spiraling, if only temporarily.
After changing into wrinkle-free, bloodstain-free clothes and splashing some cold water on his face, trying his best not to look at his reflection in the mirror in the process, Haymitch steps out of his room, walking through the hallway towards the dining area. He doesn’t feel particularly ready to face whatever might await him next, but then, it’s never really been a question of whether he’s feeling up to dealing with whatever fresh horrors Snow and the capitol decide to throw his way next.
Rounding the corner, he wishes more than anything for a drink. For a glass, or even better yet, an entire bottle of white liquor, to quiet down his thoughts, to numb his rising panic. To forget, to return to the state of blissful, confusing ignorance.
He needs to obtain more liquor, he vows, if he’s to get through these next few days. He needs to obtain more liquor and-
The dining area is abandoned, save for Effie and a dark-haired Avox standing off to the side of the table.
Immediately, his mind supplies him with the worst possible scenarios - some faceless capitol people coming to take you away in the middle of the night, the President himself entering your quarters or, possibly even worse, Turpitudos. Haymitch’s never had a talk with the man himself, but he can very well remember how his hungry, dark gaze had followed you through the ballroom of the President’s mansion, how he’d leered down at you when you’d been forced to dance with him-
Your name falls from his lips in a desperate question as he hurries over towards Effie. „Where is she? Is she alright?“
Effie, seemingly taken aback by the sudden intensity in his voice, looks up at him, a familiar expression of heartfelt empathy entering her eyes as she takes in the sight of him. Haymitch can only imagine what he must look like to her - his hair unkempt, dark shadows under his bloodshot eyes, madness written all over his features.
„Yes“, she reassures him, her eyes searching Haymitch’s, „she already ate.“
He nods, trying - and failing - to feel relieved.
She’s alright, he tells himself. She’s safe - at least as far as he knows.
And that has to be enough. It’s a starting point, at least.
„She’s not feeling too well though“, Effie now says, her eyes finding his again, „but who can blame her, after all the excitement of last night!“
Haymitch nods grimly, forcing himself to calm down, to stop worrying in front of Effie. He’s already shown her far too much of his worry and desperation, he can’t chance her catching on to the gravity of the situation.
The less she knows, the better - not just for him and you, but for Effie as well. Because while Effie Trinket might be the escort of district twelve and just another capitol citizen buying into the whole the Hunger Games being for the greater good thing, she’s also Effie, one of the very few people from the capitol to ever show him true kindness. Her kindness might always come with an off-hand remark about how great and exciting the Games are, but Haymitch thinks that after all these years, he knows Effie well enough to know that deep down, she truly does have a kind heart.
Sometimes, he wonders how she’d have turned out, had she also grown up in one of the districts, instead of the capitol. Would she still be the same Effie, just with her heart actually in the right place?
It’s no use pondering over that question though, not when there’s a lot more troubling things to worry about. Like how to move forward with this whole engagement thing - will they even be allowed to come up with a plan of their own or will Snow dictate their every move from now on?
„I just wanted to tell you that I’m really happy for you, Haymitch“, Effie now says, her words bringing him back to the present moment.
Haymitch looks over to Effie, who’s looking at him with a knowing expression in her eyes. „You deserve some happiness after everything that you’ve been through, both of you do.“
She seems so honest, so genuine, yet Haymitch can’t help himself from waiting for the other shoe to drop. Any moment now she’s going to say how great it is that the Hunger Games brought them both together, and shouldn’t he be grateful for that?
So, he forces himself to nod and smile.
„Thank you, Effie.“
Effie returns his smile, and there it is again, that expression in her blue eyes that seems to say that she knows something that he doesn’t. „Of course, Haymitch.“
President Snow - gracious as he is - is throwing you and Haymitch a grandiose, ostentatious engagement party.
According to Effie Trinket, who’s currently going over the time plan for tonight with you one last time, everyone who’s anyone in the Capitol is going to be there this evening. It’s likely going to be the party of the year, forget the celebrations after you were crowned victor of the Games or the closing banquet of your victory tour.
You try your best to follow Effie’s words, to keep in mind everything that she tells you, but you’re far too distracted to really care about every little detail of tonight’s plan, when there’s so many other things you’re worrying about.
You haven’t really talked to Haymitch since you cleaned up his wounds after your interview with Caesar three days ago. You’ve only seen him in passing, since you’ve opted to stay in your room at the training center whenever it was possible. You know that you won’t be able to avoid him forever, but that night, you were just beyond - well, exhausted.
Exhausted and frustrated because he keeps shutting you out time and time again. Every time you think that you’ve finally broken through to him, that the fragile trust you’ve been building since you’ve first met him on the train to the capitol all these months ago is growing stronger, he shuts you out again, the walls he’s built around himself appearing even stronger than before.
And the worst thing about it?
You get it, you really do.
Or at least you think that you do - but you think that by now you know Haymitch well enough to know that his proposal of a pretend marriage was sincere, that he genuinely wants to help you. You know that something terrible must have happened to him after his Games to turn him into who he is today - and it’s not just your gut instinct telling you that, it’s also all these hushed whispers you’ve heard over the years in district twelve.
District twelve - what must the people of your district be thinking about everything that’s happened in the last few days, your father and brothers, Ellerie and Kai’s mother? What was their first reaction when they saw Haymitch getting down on one knee during the interview with Caesar, asking you to marry him in front of the entirety of Panem?
Your little brothers, who are still under the impression that you don’t particularly like Haymitch. Your father who, despite not really knowing any details, knows how complicated and strained your relationship with Haymitch has always been. Ellerie, who, every time you see her is a haunting reminder of Kai-
„- isn’t that right?“
In the mirror, you catch Effie looking at you with an expectant expression in her eyes, clearly waiting for you to say something.
„I’m sorry, what?“
Effie just smiles, shaking her head at you - not in the way you’ve seen her do so many times whenever something is threatening to interrupt her carefully planned schedule, but with a rather knowing expression in her eyes. As though she knows a secret of yours that you’re not even aware of yourself. „You must be pretty excited“, she says, her eyes scanning the hairstyle your stylist did for you one last time.
When she seemingly finds everything to her liking, no stray hairs out of place, she nods, satisfied. „It’s very generous of President Snow to throw this engagement party for you …“, she continues, and now her voice takes on a hit of the steely edge you’re so used to from her. „But then, what better way to close off this victory tour - and this year - than with a celebration of young love, right?“
You force yourself to nod, trying your best to appear as normal as possible. „Right …“
Young love - sure. That’s one way to describe it.
For a moment, your eyes meet Effie’s blue ones in the giant mirror that’s set on the vanity.
Of course, she looks just like the Effie Trinket you’re used to - ridiculous gigantic wig, wearing a dress in the style of the lastet capitol fashion trend, her lips curved in the same tight smile you’ve seen countless of times before.
But there’s something else, something in her eyes - a flash of knowing, of recognition.
Your heart starts pounding faster and you force yourself to take a deep breath, to remain calm. Effie Trinket is not President Snow, you try to remind yourself. She might be an integral part of the Hunger Games machine, and for that, you might not particularly like her, but she also knows how to navigate the limelight and the many narratives people are spinning better than almost anyone.
„It’s just so wonderful to see both of you finding love again“, Effie now says, her eyes taking on a far-away expression. „Even better that it should be with each other - district twelve’s two victors, together.“
Absentmindedly, you nod.
To find love again - that sure is an interesting way to put it, isn’t it? Because you’re pretty convinced that Effie can’t just be talking about you and Kai - whatever else you might’ve felt for him besides a deep, lifelong friendship, in the Games you’d only ever been two best friends.
Is she hinting at Haymitch’s past, could that be it?
„I mean, it’s still so sad to think about what happened with Haymitch’s girlfriend - and so soon after he’d won his Games and his mother and brother had that accident, too …“
Your heart starts pounding.
There it is - confirmation for what you’ve been speculating for quite some time now. Haymitch had a girlfriend going into his Games, and she died, shortly after he won the Games. Just like his mother and brother.
You gulp, your throat suddenly feeling dry. Because it doesn’t take much to put all this together and to figure out what likely happened - to figure out why Haymitch’s loved ones died right after he’d won his Games.
President Snow had to have been involved somehow, you’re sure of it. Which begs the question - why? Why would he want to kill Haymitch’s loved ones? Because while the Hunger Games are more than enough proof that he’s not above killing children, that he simply doesn’t care about the people in the districts besides the ways their lives can benefit the capitol, he wouldn’t just go around killing district citizens just because - or would he?
Because, after all, this is President Snow, someone that doesn’t exactly need a reason for killing people.
„Are you quite alright, dear?“, Effie suddenly says and her voice seems too loud and too close, the question entirely harmless, yet it still fills you with dread. „You look quite shaken-“
„Don’t worry about me“, you interrupt her, forcing yourself to laugh. It sounds dry and brittle and entirely unconvincing. „I’m just - really nervous about tonight, I - these past few days have been a lot.“
There, that’s close enough to the truth, isn’t it?
Effie nods, laughing as well, seemingly buying into your excuse without questioning it further.
„I understand … oh it’s all so exciting, isn’t it?“
Effie laughs, entirely oblivious to the chilling panic threatening to take hold of you. You’re torn between wanting to ask Effie further questions about Haymitch’s Games and what happened afterwards and the icy dread flowing through your veins.
You know that you can’t appear too interested in Haymitch’s Games - after all, with him and you seemingly all loved up, why wouldn’t you know this crucial piece of information about his past? Also, you can’t be sure that Effie would be the only one aware of your question - who knows what eyes might be on you in the current moment.
So, you force yourself to laugh and nod, to appear as though nothing has changed and say: „Yes, it really is, Effie.“
Exhausted and dizzy, you excuse yourself from the newest group of capitolites trying to rope you into a conversation with them and fight your way through the throng of people to the bar.
You need something to drink and a moment to yourself.
A moment away from all these prying eyes.
Really, you just want to be alone, just want to be back in your rooms above the training center or, even better yet, back in district twelve where-
„There you are!“
Suddenly, there’s a hand on your wrist and someone’s forcing you to turn around to face them.
Immediately, you free yourself from the unwanted touch, turning around with your heart pounding wildly in your chest.
„Excuse me, I-“
The man just chortles, reaching out for you again but you immediately take another step back.
„I wondered where you’d run off to after our conversation!“
His face is red and sweaty and his pupils are dilated, but you recognize him as one of your sponsors Snow had introduced you to earlier. You’d finally managed to excuse yourself from the conversation, only to promptly run into another one of your sponsors.
By then, you’d lost track of Haymitch, who’d said that he’d go to get a drink from a bar, where he’s apparently still at.
„I’m sorry“, you say, the words sitting heavy and bitter on your tongue. Because really, you’re not the one who needs to apologize here. You’re not the one who should need to be polite, always watching your every word, despite your instincts screaming at you to just tell all these people with their hungry, leering gazes to just leave you alone.
But, as you’ve come to realize over the last few days, these people don’t see the world the same way you see it. For them, the Hunger Games are business as usual - every year there’s a new cast of characters engaged in a brutal fight to the death that they can obsess over and immerse themselves in.
The most traumatic experience of your life is just another hour of entertainment and distraction to these people.
„Oh don’t be!“ The man laughs good-naturedly, as though you’ve just made a joke. You feel sick to your stomach, crossing your arms in front of your chest.
„I understand how it is, everyone wanting to have a piece of you to themselves-“
„Excuse me“, a familiar voice interrupts him.
Though the words are coming out slightly slurred, there’s an edge to Haymitch’s voice you’ve rarely heard until now.
Haymitch’s hand settles on your waist and though your first instinct is to stiffen and to fight off yet another unwanted touch, you find yourself leaning back into his touch.
„But I really need to steal away my fiancée for this next song, it’s one of our favorites.“
Haymitch doesn’t wait for the man to reply, immediately steering you away from him. You follow him numbly, thoughts about what position this man holds in the capitol, and whether his behavior is a sign that your desperate distraction ploy has already failed to protect you.
What else does Snow have in store for you? Will it ever end, these people’s unquenchable blood thirst to be entertained and distracted?
Haymitch cuts his way through the people on the dance floor, not stopping until you’ve made it out of the ballroom and into a hallway with marble floor leading to a grand staircase. His hand is still on your waist and though your heart is still pounding wildly, an anxious, icy panic flowing through your veins, some part of your mind is still stuck on the way he’d called you my fiancée and the way his voice had sounded when he’d said the words, rough and strained-
„In here“, he says, before opening the door to an opulent bathroom and you’re instantly taken aback to a different bathroom in this very mansion, just a few nights ago. How can it be that’s it not even been a week since this whole madness started?
Haymitch locks the door and then turns around to face you, a concerned expression on his face. His hand is still on your waist and you follow his gaze to where his hand still rests, can see him bite down hard on his lip, before his grey eyes find yours again, his hand staying where it is.
„What’s wrong, Princess?“, he says, an intensity and urgency in his voice you’ve rarely heard from him before.
You shake your head, trying to fight off the panic threatening to overtake you.
Your mind is jumbled, images of the sponsor from earlier immediately followed by an oblivious Effie Trinket telling you about Haymitch’s girlfriend.
Haymitch’s girlfriend that died, shortly after he won his Games.
Just like his family did.
„Princess?“
Haymitch runs a hand through his curls in distress and you bite down hard on your lip, willing yourself not to cry, not right now.
Do you know?, you silently ask Haymitch, meeting his gaze, do you know just how much danger we’re in?