15 Going on 25
I can only keep working at developing myself as a human to hopefully become all that I can be. Really that’s all any of us can do. It’s what keeps us strong against the tide of reality and responsibility that drown our dreams in cynicism and gray scale. I can only hope to embody the spirit of what my 15 year old self envisioned. But I want to become so much more.
A friend asked me a poignant yet completely introspective question the other day over coffee: Would you have imagined when we were 15 that we would be where we are now?
This question really shook me to the core. What did I think was gonna happen when I was 15? Well i was a concert, music loving teenager who could only imagine where life was gonna take her. I imagined myself having my own place, having a fantastic boyfriend, and having some then unnamed incredible career.
Jetting to the present I do have a wonderful place of my own, and a wonderful man in my life. The career is still in stasis. But with hopes fate will decide a better diversion for my true passions.Some things have become true that my 15 year old self foresaw. While this could be akin to a premonition, I like to think that I always had it in me to get what I want.
Being a quarter of a century though does not come without its drawbacks. I get more questions on when I will get married or when I will have my first child then when I will publish my first novel. When I tell people I don’t want to think about kids until I’m forty, they often look at me like I’m joking. I’m not joking. I feel like there is so much more life to live before I even consider creating one of my own. As far as marriage goes, the commitment involved will not be taken into consideration for at least another five years. And then at that point it may still be considered a moot point. I value my independence, but I also think such life decisions should employ lots of thinking and mulling over. This bodes well for my inherently neurotic nature.
But I digress. When I was 15 I envisioned myself as a young independent woman, living her dreams and embracing her potential. I feel like I am at least half of that statement. I am a young independent woman who can take care of herself. But am I embracing my potential? Recent times aside, prior behavior indicated I may have become stagnant in my ways. My creativity had been non-existent. But I feel as if I’ve encountered a renaissance of sorts. I feel driven more now to pursue my interests and passions then I have in a long while. I feel like I’m finally on the precipice of discovering who I am and all that I am capable of. This could just be my reality playing tricks on my mind, but I feel as if the winds have changed. What felt like chains and the smell of cubicles shackling me to an inevitable destiny, now have an air of whimsy and undiscovered curiosity that is tangible and within my grasp.
When my friend asked me such large and philosophical questions, I really couldn't think of how to answer her. It sent my mind racing into all sorts of messy directions, with no coherent sentences in sight. Thankfully we are different than who we were at 15. With more world experience and all that other shtick. But as my friend so eloquently put it, she is no where near where she thought her journey would take her. I actually think this is fucking fantastic. This means that we can't always see where we are going, but we often end up exactly where we need to be. Even with misguided dreams at 15 we only had a naive conception of what being a grown-up actually meant. Or the many complexities that it could contain. I know I certainly didn't. But I’m grateful for the reality check. It’s what makes each of our own self-driven soliloquies that we call life so exciting, and ripe with meaning and fulfillment.
I can only keep working at developing myself as a human to hopefully become all that I can be. Really that’s all any of us can do. It’s what keeps us strong against the tide of reality and responsibility that drown our dreams in cynicism and gray scale. I can only hope to embody the spirit of what my 15 year old self envisioned. But I want to become so much more then I ever dreamed possible.















