The Things That Make Me Me...

All the things that make me love and hate.

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Check out the latest photos by Meesha Lutz: Take and discover photos on EyeEm. For iPhone and Android.

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My battle with Panic Attacks - This is a very truthful video about what I am going through during this wonderful battle. Please share and hopefully we can get some great thoughts!!

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“It’s important to make sure that we’re talking with each other in a way that heals, not in a way that wounds.”

— Barack Obama

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My theory in my Fibromyalgia Tour

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Sick Fibro sufferer

There is so much that I am going through now, but I wanted to share with you that I am here and I am trying. :)

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Dairy free bean and need enchiladas with homemade refried beans. Delicious!!

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Fibromyalgia tour, Video 2

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Fibromyalgia tour, video 3

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Fibroooooomyalgia

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I would love it if my friends would share this video. I will be creating them daily, and the more shares, the better! Thank you!

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Fibroooooomyalgia

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I keep my head high

No matter what I am faced with, I consider myself a good person and have been able to keep my head high. Despite being a person that has suffered some serious setbacks in her life, I have been able to keep a light heart (most of the time) and continue to see the good in the world.

Sometimes it can be so difficult to remember that things are alright around me. There are days when it is harder to walk and breathe, than I could have ever imagined, and I think I will not make it. I have to remember that no matter what, I have an amazing family, with a husband and children that love me desperately. 

I am suffering with tremendous pain today. I wish I had a doctor, and I really wish that I didn’t have to work at a job that causes me so much stress and discomfort. I guess things are the way they are supposed to be for a reason. Right? The Universe gives us what we need for a specific purpose, and sometimes we are given things that don’t seem very fair...but, hopefully we can hold our head up and make the most of our life. I can share that I haven’t always been a positive person. There was a time, when I was younger, when I had a chip on my shoulder roughly the size of Kansas. I have learned that not everything that has happened to me is the fault of others, and that NOT everyone deserves to be scolded for everything that has happened. 

We go through life  learning from our experiences, and hopefully we help those around us along the way. Keep your head high. No matter what you are given. 

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My Struggle - Part Two

The thing about being a victim of sexual abuse for years is how it makes you feel helpless - or hopeless. I am not always frustrated or hurt or angry or even sad. Sometimes I feel terrible and sometimes I feel like there is far more to do.

Once in a while I watch a show in which the abused victim does something to take revenge upon the predator. I watch these shows sometimes, hurting inside. Sometimes, I wish I had done something years ago to hurt those that hurt me. I went to a counselor years ago that said if I said if I said I wanted to hurt one of these men, I would be turned in to the authorities. Does this seem right or fair? Not to me. I struggled with the fact that our system does not help those that have been hurt unless they are covered in blood. Hurt doesn’t always show at all times.

I love my children and I love my husband more than words will ever say, and they are the ONLY reason I have never retaliated. I don’t want to hurt or leave my precious family. Some day, the Universe will give to those men, something that I hope is FAR WORSE than what they gave to me. I truly believe that all of them need to be flogged, and more. 

The need to feel like we can do something to those that have wronged us is very natural. I just honestly wish there were more I could do sometimes. 

I just do. :( 

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My struggle - part one

I have not been writing anything on here for awhile. There has been a gnawing, sucking, scandalizing tumor within me that just hurts my heart so very much. I am now having to deal with the frustration again from a horrible childhood and I don’t want to. 

As a child I suffered severe child abuse. A great deal of child abuse. I have been hit, hurt, sexually assaulted, raped, yelled at in every way imaginable. I spent a great deal of my youth trying to find an escape from the torture that I lived, and I never could. I really did. I spoke to police. I spoke to the courts. I spoke to anyone that I could. I ran away several times. Once, I was attacked at knifepoint by the foster parents daughter. This was not a good childhood. 

I have been reliving these difficult days while watching other women have their attacks heard. I was told by a man inside the Seattle courthouse that rape is not a moral issue, and that it didn’t matter. I want to know, more than anything, why MY attacks were never listened to and were never considered valid to those in power. 

Is this because I am NOT accusing the Bill Cosby’s and Kevin Spacey’s of this world? I am not. I am accusing my family members, none named at this point. I am accusing the man at the party of raping me, unnamed at this point. I am accusing those men, the men that touched this little girl repeatedly of doing what they did. It makes me sick. 

What makes me even sicker, is that no-one listened. Those people that I told should be more than ashamed.