Wednesday, sometime in spring. Go to Walmart, preferably Kmart if there’s a struggling one somehow still surviving near you, Walgreens will also suffice. Do not go to CVS, target, or nicer grocers. Here’s what you’re going to buy:
The cheapest flip flops you can find
A tiki themed clay shot glass, because even if you don’t use it, it will remind you of the wild times you’ve had
One pack of Bali hai djarums actually I don’t know if you can buy these at Walmart
One tiki torch type thing and fuel if necessary. But you can also make one by setting a stick or some cow poop on fire and elevating it for the world to see
If you really want to go all out, some sad string lights preferably flamingo shaped, and a beach ‘flavored’ bath bomb. Hell, go get yourself a plastic flamingo lawn ornament while we’re at it. You’ll need the inspiration in the coming days
One box of Froot Loops with the TOUCAN
A can of sliced pineapple in pineapple juice
Four bags of quartz sand from the gardening section
Go home. Do not unpack. Ideally this would have cost you under 75. If you’re really skilled, like me, it would have cost less than 50 dollars. But that’s ok if it didn’t.
Tomorrows the big day. Thursday. It’s early spring, so it might still be a little cold out. This is ideal. It’s going to be partly cloudy and a little windy, this is also ideal.
WAKE UP. Sit up, yawn and smack your lips. Turn on the fan in your room, do a double take at your palm tree calendar and say aloud: “oh boy! Today is my staycation!”
Get into a bath robe and slippers. Play the sims 1 vacation expansion pack soundtrack, on your phone and insert phone into a cut toilet paper roll for a surround sound stereo effect, found here
Eat your cereal with milk and OJ. I did not add OJ to the list because you already own mildly pulpy oj. DO NOT WASH THE DISHES. But have this on hand, always, just in case:
Next you will take a shower. Pause the sims vacation soundtrack to instead listen to some Polynesian folk music, found here:
If you don’t have good toiletries like I do, here’s where the palm olive fish soap comes in handy. Yes, even on your hair. The more dissatisfied you are the better.
Once you step out proceed to lather yourself in tanning oil. If you don’t have any, mix whatever lotion you have on hand with sesame oil (peanut, sunflower, canola, avocado, grape, or even Crisco will do as well, but be sure to add cayenne powder and avoid orifices).
Now you can get dressed in your brand new Hawaiian shirt and flip flops. Any shorts will do, and if you own a hat such as a straw fedora, or even a fun and whimsical ball cap, don’t be afraid to mix it up! A leí is overkill and somewhat culturally insensitive, so don’t take it too far. We’re trying to have a good, disappointing, clean staycation here.
Next you’ll want to begin your habitat set up.
You own some form of lawn chair, wether it be a reclining vinyl one, an Adirondack, or even just a gross computer chair. Take it outside along with any old towel, the Sand, your tiki torch, the sprite and almond joys, your djarums, the string lights, the hammock I know you own because we’re all human, and the bath bombs. Set either a tarp or few towels down, and in the middle inflate and fill the kiddie pool. Pour the sound down around it, and set up your chair near by. If you have a nice tree or corner fence set up, where is where you will erect the hammock. The tiki torch will go next to it, and Gd willing you will put that flamingo lawn ornament where it permanently belongs
Chances are you don’t own a projector, but if you do, go ahead and set up a sheet somewhere and prepare it. Otherwise skip this step and go back to the sims vacation soundtrack. You won’t need the toilet paper roll for these following steps unless you do in fact have a projector that can connect to your laptop. We’ll get to that in a bit.
once your pool is filled you now have to decide if you’re going to raw dog it, or use a bath bomb. Both will be gross, so it’s a lose lose. Splash around, drink your sprite, eat your almond joys, sit in the hammock and read the most boring or depressing book you have on hand. All the while you will have this video playing:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=y6U2NQM92pc
Turn the volume down and instead BLAST the sims vacation soundtrack over this. Now, if you’re using your phone youre going to have to find a way to play the music and the video at the same time. Make do. If you’re using a projector and laptop, use your phone and the toilet paper roll. Do this a few times until you feel thoroughly relaxed and happy, or at least a little less depressed. Go ahead and smoke a Bali hai while you’re at it! You’ve earned it. Maybe you can play in the sand, maybe you’ll cloud watch, hell, maybe you have friends and or neighbors who will be willing to toss around a volley ball or frisbee with you! But probably not. Now that you’ve worked up an appetite again, it’s time for lunch! If you own a grill you’re going to want to toss a shit ton of coal and starter into it and light that sucker up. Don’t worry, you won’t be using it for a while, you’re just going to leave it there smoldering. If you don’t own a grill…we’ll. Well get to that soon enough.
In the meantime, head on down to your local Tropical Smoothie! I would be more comfortable if you biked or walked there but I won’t hold it against you if you use the bus or Uber. I’m going to kind of be upset if you drive but I don’t want to get into that right now. I’m also not going to tell you what to order, because I think we’ve worked up a lot of trust by now. Take your time eating and soaking in tropical smoothie’s abysmal atmosphere and decor. Truly reflect on it, yourself, your job, your physical appearance, the weather, your dead dog. Once you’ve finished head on back home. Oh what’s that? There’s no tropical smoothie cafe by you? Well FUCK you too fella. Just eat the tuna fish and pineapple ok? But by Gd you’d better have the next restaurant I suggest or your screwed. SCREWED, you hear me? Because that tuna and pineapple was going to be the dinner for the poor shmuck who doesn’t have a Joe’s Crab Shack within arms reach.
Anyways, we’re not going back home yet. We still wanna give the grill a good amount of time to decide wether or not it’s going to spread its flame around to the dead trees nearby, the rest of the yard of brown grass and maybe the dry rotted deck. Now you’re going to the ABC (liquor) store. You didn’t do this yesterday because it’s part of the process for today: buy the cheapest rum you can find, and maybe a premixed margarita. Now it’s time to head home, and if it’s still standing, go ahead and add more starter fluid to the grill. If this were a real vacation, now would be the time to go to the aquarium, but since we’re on a budget, I’m going to ask you to go to your desktop computer and look up a video of a fish themed screensaver. Again, use your own discretion. You could also view a slideshow of someone else’s vacation uploaded to YouTube, or simply stare at an island themed desktop background. Hopefully at least one of these options has ocean sound effects because you’re not allowed to listen to anymore music today. Once you’ve gotten your sick thrills, go check the grill again. When you think it’s ready toss the entire can of pineapple onto the metal grill along with the can of tuna. It’s going to burn and suck but this is what you deserve. While that’s going, I’m going to take the time to warn the guy who ate the tuna and pineapple already to just get out of my sight and go to Joe’s Crab Shack and drink it out. For my preferred pupil, nows the time to break out the rum and margaritas! Hoorah! You’ve made it to evening. If it’s not evening, stall. Your staycation is almost over buddy! When you can’t tolerate the smell of slop coming from the grill try and scoop whatever hasn’t fallen into the coals onto a paper plate and eat up, champ! Squirt some more starter fluid and make it your own little bonfire! Throw some yard debris into it while you’re at it, and kick back for round two of pool and hammock extravaganza! Maybe you’ll star gaze, maybe you’ll smoke another djarum! No one can stop you from finishing that bottle of premade margarita, baby! You still got your starburst too! Right about now you’re going to trip over the six pack of Corona you bought but haven’t touched, and stub your toe and remember that line in Margaritaville where jimmy Buffett ‘steps on a pop rock and blows out his flip flop’ or whatever. You’re just like jimmy buffet. The working man’s jimmy buffet, but elevated for those white collar temp job guys like jim from the office, or maybe like that white brunette guy from that show that’s not the office but with that blonde lady who’s not Tina fey.
Now that it’s dark save the lights of the tiki torch, string flamingos, and the smoldering remains of dinner, maybe you can even tug one out real quick! It’s your staycation! Hey it’s actually getting kinda cold even tho it’s not late at all but we ran out of fun activities. You’re not going to clean anytning up tonight, forecast for rain be damned, so why don’t we drunk drive to the nearest dq and get like a fruity desert type thing? Roll down the windows, let that biting wind sting your eyes to tears. Now I forgot to mention this earlier but I’m assuming you’re on like Medicaid or something? It’s ok if you’re not because you probably won’t even have to worry about the next step, but see that cop car heading our way down this here highway? On account of the fact that we’re on the wrong side of the fucking road? Yeah, im gonna need you to floor it. He’s going to swerve and that’s OK because that’s small potato’s right there, a 10-999, and where we’re going we won’t need the police. After he veers off into some guard rails you’ll have the runway you need to build up enough speed to clear the water barrels. behind a few feet of plastic and concrete and even some metal is clear sky, and beyond that? Well there’s the ocean that was only a 7 minute drive from your house anyways.
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