And my love for it.

[mehmusic]

I want my mom and dad to love me.

I want to not be afraid of being kicked out or be looked at as disgusting. 

I don’t know if they want to implement fear, or they actually mean it.

I wanna be loved, even if I have sex. 

I want them to open their minds. 

I want to stop being afraid of their reaction about pretty much anything I do or say. 

I need to feel safe. 

I wish I wasn’t looking for places to go, or how to earn more money.

I want my mom and dad to love me. 

[mehmusic]

Diamond Heart

Hello sweet grief, I know you’ll be the death of me.

Alan Walker has become my favorite DJ. Somehow he manages to create a delightful beat and make my heart feel things with his lyrics. Of course, he knows exactly what voice to use for these lyrics. I admire literally everything he has done. 

With this said, I know at one point I will write about each song and how it makes me feel. As always, when the time comes. Today is the day for Diamond Heart. 

This song talks mainly about being strong, or rather, not being strong enough. I believe it goes deeper than that, it tells you to be as strong as you can be, but we all know what we could really do if we were stronger than that. 

I’d give you all my love, if I was unbreakable. 

We each know (or sometimes don’t) what happened to us that makes us not be able to give everything we would want to give. At the beginning, it says grief. Grief is different for each and everyone of us. Personally, my grief relies on humiliation and disillusion. I’ve talked about my fantasies before, and how much it hurts when they are not met. 

I was rewatching Grey’s Anatomy and Jo at one point tells her boyfriend, Karev, that she is done being everybody’s second plate. Now, this is a woman who is very strong, who has overcome more things than we could imagine, but she is very sensitive still. Maybe she has being the second plate before, but maybe not with people who really matter. That is my fear. I’ve been hurt, humiliated and disappointed, but at the end it was from people who didn’t matter that much. There are some people who, if this happened, I would simply break, I hate that kind of power over me. 

I don’t want something hovering over me. That’s grief, anxiety, trauma. It stays with you, one way or another. “It can be corrected, with healthy emotional experiences” 

I don’t know if I can live like this, I want to run away, as fast as I can, to not be humiliated ever again. I will not go through that again.  I want to trust, to give my all, to do everything in my power so I can just let things slide. The thing is, I don’t know if I’m strong enough. 

If I had a diamond heart I’d walk straight through the dagger Never break the pattern Diamonds don’t shatter Beautiful and battered Into the poison Cry you an ocean Give you all I’ve got

[mehmusic]

The Less I know, the better.

I’ve been thinking about this post for a while now. Tomorrow, the 19th, two months. 

The dancing room, safe haven could be an alternative name for this room. She’s been going there for three years now. That room represents her whole college development, the experience she always dreamed of having. Her haircut seemed like a boy’s haircut the first time she stepped into that place. That room has seen her with pink, deep black, long, and short hair. This time it was time for long red hair.  It was early January, her dance partner had graduated, but she now had her best friend by her side, she was not alone. One day, before classes started, this one guy who she never truly liked asked her if he would see her soon in class. She said yes. 

Goofing around, something that she loves to do, but finds it so hard because people tend to misinterpret what she’s doing. In one second, someone followed her game, he likes goofing around too. 

Her priority was herself, she was in the best place she had ever been for so long. Suddenly, she found herself at her old school, her previous safe haven. She was with new people, people from her present, her two worlds were combining. She was really looking forward to that day, and as she got ready, he told her his biggest dream in life. Kids. 

“Maybe you’re starting to feel something more than just an attraction“

You’re right. 

It was now February 23th. She was so sad, nothing was working out and all her progress seemed to fall apart. Until she decided to be brave again and take all her energy to be herself. She’s never been prouder of herself, she did it, she said everything she needed to say. That doesn’t mean that she got what she wanted.

For a whole month she cried in silence. Safe Haven was starting to feel like her own personal hell. Why? Pretending has never been her strong suit, there’s nothing she hates most. Nonetheless, she was doing it. It got so hard that she thought about quitting. Quitting what she loves the most. Is it really worth it? 

She made two calls, one to her professor so she could tell him she was quitting. The other call, to her person, the person who could calm her down and really tell her what was best for her. None of the calls were answered. 

After deciding not to give up, she went back there, repeating this phrase to herself over and over again: “You can do this, you can do this”. 

It was now the 18th, and some news changed her whole world, once again she wanted to say what was on her mind. This time, the call got answered. “You have the worst timing”. I know. We’ll see what happens on our trip. 

She felt everything, from the worst to the best, she found herself being comfortable again, something she never thought could happen, at least not any time soon. As happy as she was, she also knew she was doing the overall wrong thing, so she took a step back. It was the right thing to do. 

His face, his eyes, his body language, everything showed pain, but that pain went away as soon as he did what he needed to do. She was so hurt but couldn’t do anything about it, she would deal with it when she returned home. Getting off the grid was the best decision. Until one morning, when a phone call came through... “Hello, how have you been?” 

She went through so many thoughts. What about Trevor? She doesn’t want to know, or maybe she does but it would be better if it she didn’t. Ten years? She has to wait ten years? Its either that or never. Don’t let him go, you don’t find this often, you know that very well. Is this what he wants? Who he really is? She doesn’t think so, she thinks he is running away from true feelings. Or maybe she’s just kidding herself. Come on superman, say it. I’m in love with you.  An agreement, a temporary decision, a promise, or rather many promises so no one would get left behind. Feelings were clear, intentions were clear. This was great, that would give her time to get ready, finally, it was coming. 

A routine has been established, what better to give her peace of mind. She was okay with it, somehow. That happened, until it wasn’t okay anymore. She knows that routines are for relationships, and she was not in one. What can mess up most with her head? That. You are different. She was not afraid of him leaving, but he did, in a way.  Now, she doesn’t want that promise, waiting is her hell, no... rather pretending is her real hell. She can no longer hide her anger, her sadness and disappointment, but at the same time he no longer keeps her by his side. 

She now has one day, not a brain cell of hers knows what would be best. She’s afraid, she lives in fear, but somehow even after all this time, she still feels safe. 

She asks herself, how? She feels so much... and she can because she’s in a better place.  

[mehmusic]

Without You- Avicii

There is no way that I can do Avicii justice. For years his songs have not only inspired me, but somehow every song that I like is representative of a stage in my life. Each song makes me remember that time in my life when... his songs have been essential to my journey. It can be because of the lyrics or because its just the song that I was listening to all the time. I would love to write about those songs. 

I’ll start with the most recent, Without You. 

You already know that many of my posts revolve around romantic stuff. By now you may notice that there is one guy, THE guy. Saying his name makes me smile. It wasn’t like this before. For one year and ten months, I would hear his name and immediately freak out. Just knowing that he was out there, living his life without me was extremely painful. “I can’t imagine my life without you” he once said. I couldn’t either. We were not only a couple, we were best friends, he truly was my partner in crime. 

He is also responsible for me growing so much as a person the past two years. 

This post is a love letter to Avicii, to me, and to him.

Thank you.You being part of my life truly left a permanent mark on me. There is no way that I will every forget you. 

I never thought I could be such a good version of myself without you, never thought I would go through all I’ve gone through without you. I never thought I would grow up without you. 

You truly are my soulmate and I will always love you. 

Being in love with you was the biggest pleasure ever. 

Thank you for saying goodbye to me when it was necessary, and thank you for knowing better, for taking care of us when I didn’t. 

Maybe we thought we would always be there, although I knew we weren’t going to. Almost two years have passed and I think we were both wrong, and we were both right. I don’t know about you, but you are always with me. Your memory makes me stronger, so maybe you aren’t with me the way we thought, but your essence stays with me forever and always helps me when I need it. I hope that I can be there for you too. Thank you for challenging me, and thank you for trying to be the perfect guy that I wanted and needed. You truly are a beautiful soul. 

And even I can’t believe it but, I’m going on without you, but not entirely. Aren’t you proud of me? I know I’m proud of you. I hope I can say that to you one day.  

Hope to see you soon, and I want you to know that I will never break my promise, I’m here for you when you need it. We may not end up together, maybe we’re not meant to be, and most probably we won’t have that house in the Sims, or that dream in Cuernavaca, but we will always have the experience of loving someone very very much. Remember, I love you unconditionally and that means something. Life is wonderful when you’re in it. I hope to read your writing one day. 

I’m no longer holding on, but I will always be grateful for my angel. 

I've gotta learn how to love without you I've gotta carry my cross without you Stuck in the middle and I'm just about to Figure it out without you

I figured it out. 

[mehmusic]

Versace On The Floor- August

The beginning of my fifth semester. Man, I feel like it was a lifetime ago. 

Turns out, I was starting a long-distance relationship. 

I was so happy, and frustrated at the same time. 

I went on vacation with my family, I was so happy, so relaxed and actually excited about school. Most of my classes were hard but truly awesome. The whole month I spent it with the great illusion that I was on my way to changing a bad example into a new one. This, this was my second chance. With you. 

I was at peace with the dynamics, everything seemed great. What I can say the most about this month and this song is how much I imagined going to see him, because maybe on September I could go. I imagined this song playing while we saw each other, danced a little and kiss. I was so looking forward to this fantasy. I was really starting to care about this person. 

The semester felt unreal, my life had changed so much. A year ago I was returning from New York, thinking that my life was changing but it was actually not. Now it was, moving on was being a thing. Maybe now I am really ready to start something real again, be in a serious relationship. 

The whole month I spent it dreaming, having the best time with my best friend. I thought everything was so perfect and in place. 

At least for one month. 

Oh, seems like you're ready for more, more, more

[mehmusic]

All Falls Down- November

I was still going strong by November, continuing my treatment, being extremely happy and also slowly accepting everything that really still hurt a little. 

I was hearing this song non-stop. At first I didn’t like it a lot, but come on. Alan Walker always finds a way to make me looove his songs. In general it made me dance, smile and just be happy. But, what really captured me this time, was when it said: 

When it don't work out for the better If it just ain't right, and it's time to say goodbye When it all falls down, when it all falls down I'll be fine

Do you know how ward it was for me to take this words seriously and actually take them into my life? My mind? I was finally accepting that it wasn’t right. I know that in January I had said goodbye and that in April, May and July I was with other people, but his memory was still there with me. Hope is the last thing that dies, and it wasn’t until November that it actually died, because I took this words and said, if it’s time to say goodbye, I’ll be fine, I’ve been fine finally. 

Acceptance, the last and the hardest part of the grieving process. 

Surrender.

[mehmusic]

All Around the World- October

October was a very different month than the first half of the year. 

Let me tell you, By October, I had started treatment. For what? For my anxiety disorder and prevention for depression. It was very very scary, but also very exciting, because I finally saw hope. Hope for a better life, for a better relationship with my family and with a potential significant other. Listening to this song, even now makes me feel that sense of happiness and hope that I had. It was beautiful, my mood was great, I was enjoying everything around me, I went to school, enjoyed every minute of it, got stressed, but for the first time in ages, I was actually looking forward to going back home. 

Remember what I posted December 2016? 

Well, 10 months later, I was finally achieving something that, truthfully I thought I would never do. I was not dreading going back home!!! Man I was so happy. I remember I got out of class at eight o’clock and I just went to my car, drove home listening to this song with my mom, and I swear to you, I wasn’t that happy in so so long. I had peace and I was finally living a better life. 

Man, I even want to cry now thinking about it, crying of happiness, not something so constant in my life. 

It is not something that this song said, but its general energy matched mine. 

And, to be fair, it was a difficult decision to choose between this song and another one. So, although I chose Around The World, I would also like to share the other one. Both are beautiful and I loooove to rediscover music from the 90′s (it released in 2000 BUT WHO CARES ITS EURODANCE AND THATS WHAT COUNTS). The other one might not be of the same genre or time, but you know how much I love this kind of music, plus KSHMR, you’re the man. 

[mehmusic]

Back To Me- May

School was over, and I was still in a wheelchair.

I had many sleepless nights, reconnecting with a lot of people and with a lot of things I love. I started to listen to this Dj more and more. I found this song and I was in love. 

May was weird. I can still feel those sensations, what this song provoked me, what the vibe of the month was. I was rekindling a friendship and starting to feel something more, no boys huh? Lol.

IT WAS CONFUSING AS HELL. And as I know, I’ve already written about this because I’m not doing it in chronological order. This month was the most frustrating one. Does he like me? Does he not? Does he even care? Each time I went to the doctor I saw him. “You’re in my heart” “Meet you at the same place”

I knew this guy for seven years and just now I’m feeling this? Wow.

Man, I felt in high school again, doing anything to get his attention. There was this one night, that pretty much defines this month for me, I couldn’t sleep, and my mom brought me flowers, red roses. I was using twitter a lot, because he was too and that was were we first met so..

I remember taking a picture of the flowers, posting them and captioning it: Paint my roses red, right before the end. 

Looking back, it was a hard month, trying my very best to be okay although I couldn’t do shit. 

The energy of this song helped of course, I couldn’t stop listening to it and I slept with it every night. 

It was hard, but it also made a mark on me. 

1:53- 2:07 <3 

[mehmusic]

All this Love- April

Remember the hypomanic episode?

It all started in April. 

I look at this boy, and he makes me smile, he makes me feel like a girl. Suddenly I want to dress up nicer, put some make up and really dance like a sexy woman. So I did, I did what I felt like doing. 

My best friend was giving me weird vibes though, I had to tell him something and suddenly, it seemed inappropriate. 

I found out he was dating other girls, and that he was a psychologist. I basically took it upon myself to win him over. Slowly, and carefully, I did. Talk about that confidence boost. He was/is so handsome, older, experienced, mature (?). Maybe this is it! it’s exactly what I was looking for, the perfect profile. 

Man, I was happy ALL THE TIME. I had energy all the time. 

My sister was coming to visit, and I had so much joy that I was doing everything, I stopped sleeping so much, forgot to eat but also conquered many challenges when it came to eating. Of course, I didn’t see this as any kind of sign. 

We had out first date, our second date, our third date. You have no idea how much of an effort I was doing. I was giving my very ALL, I had to do that if it was going to work out. 

I spent spring break with him, and then saw each other every day at school. He was so happy for me because after two years I would see my sister. 

My sister came and everything became more intense, I had to put more energy in, and I did. 

We had a dance presentation, and I was so excited to share it with him. 

And then...

Take this off, you don’t look feminine enough. 

RED ALERT RED ALERT.

I’ve heard this before. I’VE LIVED THIS. 

GO AWAY, GO AWAY. There was this girl beside me, and she heard what he said, and I remember thinking, If I was her and I heard that I would tell the poor girl to run for the hills. 

So why am I not running for the hills?

Let’s block it out, today is going to be a special day and it was all okay until now, so why not give it a shot?

(Wrong call my friend.)

It was a pretty good day to be honest, but my best friend was mad at me, turned out he liked me, I was confused, I was kind of disgusted, but also discovered how sad I was. And then, he met people I didn’t want him to meet, and that’s when the energy came crashing down. And that is when

I went to the hospital. 

I needed to have surgery, because my ankle was shattered, and oh I had a bone outside of my body. 

Thank God for that accident and that surgery. 

While I was at the E.R. I saw someone familiar, and said Oh my God that’s my friend! (Disclosure: that’s when May, June, July, August and September began). 

Days at the hospital, wheelchair at school. Days of rest. I was trying with all my heart to hold on, but on the back of my mind I knew this wasn’t going to work out at all. I was still fantasizing about someone else, I was still comparing and forcing things to match to what I once had. 

Luckily, he did it. He put a stop to it, because I wasn’t brave enough to do it. And I got mad, not because it wasn’t what I wanted, but because I had given so much of me, put in so much effort that it boiled me that it was for something so disappointing at the end. 

No more boys, let’s focus on getting better and spending time with my family, okay?

First day, second day, third day, oh shit, fourth day. Hello old friend of seven years whom I weirdly have never met. Hi. 

She said I wanna live

I don’t wanna die young

This song, alongside with Back to Beautiful were my hospital songs, they were very inspiring for me, for my future, my recovery, my life. One year later, I still listen to them and get that same feeling of inspiration and happiness, but most of all I feel grateful. 

[mehmusic]

We’re All We Need- September

Oh man, September. If it were for me, every September would be represented by the same song (You know it, “El 7 de Septiembre” by Mecano). This september (2017) I went to see my favorite musical, I had been waiting for two years to see it. 

By this moment, I was in a relationship. 

A month had passed since I started this relationship, and let me tell you, it was hard. Not only was it long distance, but since the first day we started it, it was long distance. I tried my very best to establish the game rules, to see what I wanted and take what he wanted. As time went by, I trusted him more and more, he turned out to have a similar past, and I thought that would make us closer, make us understand each other more and maybe be the relationship I longed for. 

Good morning, have a nice day. Good night, sweet dreams, only if they are with you. 

I found this tweet that said “It’s not normal how much I freak out every time I talk to you”. This tweet sums up how I felt during this relationship. I just ended up being miserable each time we talked, not because it was bad, but because for the life of me I couldn’t understand him, but man did I like him a lot. I cared for him deeply, my feelings were so established with him that I couldn’t believe it. It was very different to anything I had ever experienced. 

Each day, the illusion broke. 

I celebrated the 7th of september the best way possible, as I do every year. 

This month though, the 9th would be more important because

My “relationship” went away. 

And why do I add the “”? Because turns out that I never had it. 

“What if we care for them and like them just as they are, but don’t want that for ourselves?“

Man, how did that hurt. 

I was devastated, and in my crying rampage I realized something. I was still trying to substitute my great love, I was trying everything to feel the same thing I used to feel and to feel that void that was inside of me. 

“I felt that this was my second chance“ My second chance. I really did put a lot of expectations into this, into him. 

-I think that you’re not doing enough to make this work

-What do you mean? We’re only friends. 

That was it. Devastating, long words, final words, or semi-final words. A friendship of seven years, ruined. The good thing? I wouldn’t see him, I wouldn’t have to worry about the humiliation this time. 

I did the impossible. I remembered by former best friend telling me, I don’t think a lot about relationships, I know I want one, I know I had a good one, but I just concentrate myself in something else. How do you do that? I asked. I never know how to focus myself on anything else than what’s happening right now. Well, he said, I just focus on another thing that is happening right now, school.

I thought that was impossible, I really did. 

But.. I thought I would try it. Let’s focus on school. 

Guess what, I did it. I put my feelings aside, something that I never do, and I focused and focused on the stuff I had to do. It turned out pretty well actually. By December I was totally focused on something else and he and I didn’t talk unless it was an emergency, like the earthquake that happened. 

Still, sometimes I felt sad, humiliated, and kind of betrayed, fooled with. And there was this time, I was getting out of my dance class, walking the same hallway as always to the exit, it was dark and I was supremely alone. 

Had my headphones on and I had just downloaded a song by the favorite group of a Youtuber I used to watch every day. And I really listened to the lyrics. Oh certainly I’m where I’m supposed to be. 

Today our hearts won first prize

Cause we’re wise with the feeling

We’re all we need

These phrases are more than what they seem. Sometimes “we” doesn’t necessarily mean we as a couple, but we as in all of us. I am all I need and I was wise with what I felt at the time. 

I find incredible that this song was nominated for a Grammy, and disappointed that it didn’t win, but in my book this song is gold. 

It was there for me during this goodbye. 

[mehmusic]

Capsize- July

I was moving on... right?

July... I had given up. I was beginning to fall in love with this man, this man who was in my life for so long, now I was wishing with all my heart that I could be with him. After not talking for a while, he said hi. Turns out, he was leaving. For a year. The man I was starting to fall in love with was moving for a whole year. So I began to start the process of letting go, even more so because I STILL didn’t know how he felt. I was so resigned... I was thinking back, thinking in a twisted way. What can I do? Go back to what I know. 

After a year, I still feel the same about you. 

What is this? Can I love someone forever and at the same time fall in love with someone else? For me, that was impossible. Is he just going to stay there forever? Is he literally gonna be on the back of my head no matter what? No matter who I’m now in love with? Even if I’m grieving someone else? I didn’t understand. 

And then I listened to this song while I was in the car with my best friend and her own forever guy. 

Shazam, Spotify, Add. Play. Repeat. 

And then I heard the final lyrics to this song. 

And then, I got the invitation. “I invite you” “To what?” “My graduation”. 

I was so happy, over the moon happy. I was walking now, I danced, and I was going to share his graduation with him! (He must like me right?)

Wait.

I only once have shared a graduation with someone... two years ago, with the love of my life.. can I do it with someone else?

Yes. Because I’m moving on. 

The best night, I liked this man so much and I was so sad that he was leaving IN TWO DAYS. 

We finally said it. I like you. I like you too. I’ll come visit you in two months. A kiss. A goodbye, a promise. 

On the back of my head... there they are, those three phrases. 

Goodbye, see you in two months. 

Or maybe seven months will go by and I won’t see you.

I think about you

Love you

And I still would try ‘m filled with pride

[mehmusic]

Young Love

So, I’m gonna take a break from the every month of 2017 posts, and I will put a brief update about the present time, specifically in one area. 

Remember the boy I mentioned in June? 

Well, turns out right now, present time, I haven’t seen him in 7 months. And to be honest, I miss him. It’s a little bit weird to put this song while I’m talking about this because this is actually a song he has with his ex hehe but I heard it and now it reminds me of him. We have our own song but it’s in spanish and I don’t like it as much :D

So, the backstory will be on the July post.

As of right now, he is here. I found out on Saturday, and it took a bigger toll on me than I would’ve imagined. First of all, I’ve realized that I am indeed waiting for him and that sucks, because as always, I don’t know if he feels the same way about me. I planned this you know? We would go to the movies, to the mall, have dinner, hold hands... and he is doing that... by his own. I mean he is going places I wanted to go with him alone, at least I guess alone I HOPE alone. 

We are kind of talking and it hurts, it truly hurts and I don’t know why, maybe it’s the broken illusion of what would happen when he would come back for a while being broken. Maybe its the fact that I think he doesn’t give a damn about seeing me while he is here. It hurts. 

I don’t know, each time I see something of his I start to cry, funny thing is that he is not even my ex? This will be better explained on July, but right now I just needed to write and vent a little. Maybe its just realizing that you don’t mean the same to someone like they mean to you, and that always sucks ass.

:( It does hurt, I wanted more. 

Tell me have you seen the boy

I’ve met just once before

[mehmusic]

More Than A Feeling- June

I closed my eyes and she slipped awayShe slipped awayMan, I’m having a hard time remembering June. Twitter helped with that though.

I was recuperating, counting the days ‘till I could dance again.

I gained a lot of weight because I couldn’t walk, I know I haven’t explained the accident, but I promise I will soon :) 

So, I was going regularly to the hospital, having my check-outs. I was happy to do it because each time I went I got to see him. I was starting to feel something! That’s a May thing actually, by June I knew I liked him... A LOT. 

Have you ever experienced this? You know someone for years and years and suddenly something inside you lights up annd you start to really like this person? I mean like REALLY like him. 

Let me tell you, he is the single most weird guy I have ever had the pleasure to be with (lol). He is weird in the sense that for the life of me, I swear I cannot understand what he is thinking or doing. I thought I was pretty good at reading guys, knowing if they like me back or not. With him, I was in SUCH  a rollercoaster, ALL THE TIME. June is the month where my feelings for him really established. That’s never happened to me before, my feelings don’t normally establish until I am certain that he likes me back. I was experiencing something different! But man did I get very frustraded this whole month. 

Not walking, seeing him constantly, talking to him... I really really wanted him to tell me. (This will continue in another month :p)

Plus, I was taking summer classes and omg was I nervous to talk to some of the people in my class, but it was very fun and I started doing some exercise for my recovery. 

As always, music was there for me and this is the song that was with me the most that month. 

‘Til I see Marianne walk away

I see my Marianne walkin’ away

I just saw the lyrics to this song and my oh my do I love it even more now. I identify with it even more, but it also made me sad because I realize that my only memory with this song was made up.

I closed my eyes and she slipped away

She slipped away

[mehmusic]

Cascades - January

2016 left me devastaded. 

I missed him so much. 

I was about to see him. 

I wasn’t nervous, nothing was going to happen, I knew it. 

I saw him, with some recognizable objects.

Did he want me to approach him? I should tell him...

I wrote it, the final letter. 

I wanted to give it to him in person. So I asked. 

I should yell at you? For what? What did you do?

Just read my letter, I don’t need to see you anymore, just read it. 

He did.

I’m free now, I am serisously free. From him? 

I’m free from myself. 

I’m at peace with myself. 

Nothing is left unsaid now.  

“He makes me feel the same way music does”

“I love you, more than I love music”

Just like I said goodbye to my bleached hair, full of red, bright color. I said goodbye to you, and I gave myself the chance to move on, knowing that I didn’t lie, knowing that we would be okay, and that I didn’t need to say anything anymore. 

Will I see you again

In the cold September

You can have the world.

[mehmusic]

Back to Beautiful- March

How times passes right?

I wish  I was more consistent with this blog. 

A lot happened in 2017 and I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything about that year. Without a doubt it was the best year of my life. Also, the year that changed me. 

I would like to post songs that represent each stage of my 2017. They won’t be in chronological order, but it’ll be fun!

Around March, I was feeling invencible, I felt the most pretty, inteligent, and brave girl. (You’ll know why later on). I was feeling so confident that I wanted everyone around me to feel this way too. I felt that this song represented the huge change I had made. 

Turns out, this stage of the year might’ve been an hypomanic episode.

I had spring break and I was starting to like this boy...

He is older, handsome and a perfect replacement. I knew he was with someone else, but I decided that I could win him over. 

I did. I thought I was about to experience the next great thing, so I left everything behind and concentrating on this boy. Finally, a relationship would work, because I was such a changed woman that it would work now, right?

Wrong. I hadn’t changed a bit. I just convinced myself that I had. 

This song was with me al throughout this episode, when I felt so so beautiful. Sleep wasn’t necessary, even theraphy wasn’t necessary, I had finally changed. I was back to being beautiful. 

And then the hospital happened. 

All this words, starting wars

Over who can hurt who more…

Spoiler alert: I’m fine and I feel even more beautiful than I did in March. This time it is not an episode. 

[mehmusic]

I Feel Pretty Unpretty

This is an important one; and probably a long one too.

This Glee mash-up shows off how insecure someone can feel (Rachel) mostly when the object of your affection loves the prettiest, most popular, most desirable girl.

When I was in 8th grade I got into a relationship with who would be my first love.

I loved him deeply, honestly, and unbreakably.

Each time we broke up, he made sure I believed it was my fault. I followed the game and worried everyday about what I would do to make it right and get him back. Turns out, he always broke up with me because a chance opened with Her.

She was one of my best friends, and its funny because we called each other “twins” since we were so similar.

We were not similar.

First time I got with him, she told me about how he told her that my downfall was that I wasn’t feminine enough. In order to be his perfect girl, I changed, and my model was her. I should be like her right? Even more when I know that she is the one he leaves me for.

Each time we got back together we did not talk about it. I was stupid, but I learned.

After many years I realized that I was perfect being myself, I did not need to be like her in order for someone to love me deeply, honestly and unbreakably. I stopped trying to be someone I wasn’t.

The last time we had the chance to get back together I told him: Go find someone who is me but with her included, I meant it, not in order to say something hurtful, I was just saying the truth. We did not get back together and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made so far.

I used to be so secure, I did not care about how my face, my clothes or my hair looked, I remember I didn’t even wear jeans cause I loved pants so much. People bullied me for this, but I didn’t get scared because truly, I did not care. I started to care after I got with him, suddenly I was wearing make-up, my hair was done, I dressed differently and I did things that I  never imagined I would do in order to keep him with me.

I’m proud to say that after seven years I’m finally starting to be myself again.

Favorite part: 1:50- 2:10

“Maybe get rid of you and then I’ll get back to me”

[mehmusic]

One day

One day I will not dread going back to my home

One day I won’t hate dreaming

One day I will not get anxiety attacks each time I ask for permission

One day I will not get shortness of breath when I hear my mom or dad coming up the stairs

One day I will enjoy Christmas with my family again

One day I will not feel guilty for everything that has happened

One day I will not hoarder food in order to cope

One day I will not worry about what my high school classmates think of me

One day I will be supporting my own kids emotionally and in every other way

One day I will not hate waking up

One day I will not be afraid to be who I am in front of everyone

One day I will be cooking waffles with the love of my life and everything will be okay.