31

My place to lay down whatever collects in my chest and sometimes my head. Welcome to a glimpse those few who come to witness.

[melearuth]

Confession

Have I ever told you how much I constantly envy your life? It may not be perfect, and the past has been a bit rocky, but you have this great family, you have gotten to travel, you have gotten out of Texas and done something with your life, and you are a freaking lawyer on top of that! When you lived here, I always felt as if we were on a very similar plane. Neither of us had much confidence in who we were, and for the most part we had these tiny voices that we allowed very few people to hear. Now, you have skyrocketed into this totally new place where you speak boldly and let anyone who needs to hear, hear. I don’t know if it was law school or breaking free from [them], but somewhere along the way you found your wings. Me, I am still inching along on the ground, quiet and meek, low and slow where almost no one takes notice. Life isn’t supposed to be like this, but for the life of me, I can’t find the seam to rip the bandaid. Sigh. Maybe one day.

[melearuth]

Refusal

In an epiphanic moment tonight, I realized that if he, my he, were to waltz into my life in it’s current state, it would not be far reaching for me to believe that I would turn him straight away. I think I would look him in the eye and tell him that he was crazy, and that he most certainly had the wrong girl. The me I am right now is no one that anyone should marry. I can’t figure out friendship relationships, much less forever ones that come tagged with “till death do you part!” I fear I would make his life miserable as he drowned in the cess pool of my feeling adrift and aimless and utmostly burdensome. I am a ghost, a myth. No one sees me, not all the way through; I take it back, that would make me a bad ghost, myth is good enough. I am lost and I have no knowledge of how to be found. I have yet to find myself remarkable or noteworthy. I haven’t done anything amazing, and fear any sort of self promotion, as I feel all of it is a lie. All I need is for one person to take a chance on me, to take me under their wing, to take a real interest in me. Then again, maybe it is me not letting them? Let’s face it, the world has always seemed too cool for me. Self-sabotage means that I can’t let any more people down or send them walking away from me because I am “not enough of this,” or “too much of that.”

[melearuth]

Time is passing

Tick Tick Tick Tick It was as if the clock would never chime As if the time would never come The pendulum, it swings back and forth, back and forth Yet it sways without sound side from the heartbeat of life moving by, which drains from it Glib glub thump thump Life. It moves by swishing past like lightning as the trail of it blows your hair, whipping wildly, stinging as it lashes cross your face. It is passing by, yet cannot be seen. Hand reaches outstretched to grab it, Yet finds nothing but breath and haunted flashes taunting They whisper "it will never be. It can never be." In a flash It has passed by What is to speak of it? What is there to carry and prove? Nothing. Is it supposed to be Will it have been, but has passed? There is only One who knows, And the wait will see what it will be or will not be.

[melearuth]

You

There is no better thing to be than to be oneself. In purity of form, in simplicity of state. Just be you.

[melearuth]

Girl

There is someone pensively just below the surface. She smiles and waits attentively for that moment when she is allowed to be fully set free. It is then when she no longer hides behind the veil of normal or the guise of average and barely visible. It is then that she becomes everything extraordinary! She leaps and bounds, she dances and plays! She is the life and center of the party! She is carried within her own confidence as the opinions of others float heavily to the ground behind her; never catching up to the who she knows herself humbly yet proudly to be. There is a whistle in her silent walk and a song in her disposition. For all her days the gloom in the clouds can't touch her, for even the prospect of percussive rain brings her giddy joy. She is the wonder of every woman, yet without secret. For inside of her is what comes out of her as she was made who she was meant to be. So she dances and sings and lives her life just a little bit silly, but a whole lot happy and wouldn't dare do it any other way.

[melearuth]

Impending Fall

The last of summer It feels different at my fingertips. The slightest cool in the breeze Warns to the change that is coming. The pool I hear holds the voice of only one child, no more. Nostalgia for the heat beholds the scents of nicotine and burning coals mixed with chlorine and SPFs. Regrets ensue as the heat didn't give way to cool refreshment often enough, intermingled with lizzardly lounging watching tiny waves dance through sun-squinted eyes. Soon the leaves will free their branches and we will long again for the days where ninety-five breaks away from a number on paper and once again becomes the number of the sky. -MeleaRuth 08-29-2014

[melearuth]

The Season of "Wait"

The word "wait" is a tough one to wager with, especially when it seems to follow every question I seem to be asking God lately. Have you seen those pictures of road signs where there are 10 roads and the signs all seem to point in a different direction? That is where I feel I am at right now. My crossroads have crossroads. Somehow there is an inevitable end where they will all meet, yet instead of them standing in front of me they will intertwine behind. One day the answers to these questions will be my past and perhaps maybe still on the road in my present, yet taking new shape intermingling with more questions of my new future. If I am going to be completely honest, the most difficult piece of receiving a red light from God telling me to "be still," is that it FEELS like nothing is happening. It FEELS like He isn't working in my life. It FEELS like a am hopeless and all alone. It FEELS like I will be stuck here staring at these signs forever. It FEELS like I should give up. I put the word "feels" in caps because it is only right to recognize and acknowledge that feelings are usually not truth, even though it is easy, so easy, to be swayed by it, by them, the feels. So easy that they really seem like the truth. The truth is that God asking me to wait on Him has been a constant request throughout my life. The other truth is, He has brought me face to face with the fruition of His promises more times than I can both remember and count. This time will be no different. There is beauty in waiting. The true beauty isn't in the promises fulfilled, but in the unfolding bloom, petal by petal, revealing even more beautifully the nature of who our God is, who my God is and who He is for me.

[melearuth]

31 and dating...

When that girl comes along; the one he chooses when he didn't choose you. No matter if he was with you when he did it, no matter if you like her or not. No matter if he was who you have been daydreaming about since you met him. No matter if they stay together for a week or for forever. She is his. Honor her. Honor him. Most of all, honor yourself. Back away and back off. Maybe one day you will be his, and the time just isn't right or he can't see? Maybe he will never actually be yours. God will make it right, however it is supposed to be. But in the end, whether it is him or not him, you be who you need to be and do right for what is needed in you. Love and Love #31@31 #proverbs31 #proverbs31woman #dating #datingat31 #31 #thirtysomething #honor

[melearuth]

@karijobe and @joycemeyer both posted little nuggets today as I was wallowing in my slop of "why am I still single" and "why can't my guy just hurry up and find me already?!" *stomp*smash*kick*huff and puff* I was stopped dead in my Godzilla-galumphing when the verse from Thessalonians 5:18 reminded me that there IS purpose for my single season. God isn't doing this to torture me, or because I am not deserving of a mate, or because I haven't earned it! This has been his plan for me; FROM THE BEGINNING! There is a mission for this place, there is a calling that is best fitted for who I am right now!!! #mind #blown 💣 The marriage will come, and there is mission built into that season too, but first things first! Marriage isn't the end all, be all. "I do" doesn't suddenly make the world perfect and cause you to wake up with birds singing beautiful melodies, while the mice make you beautiful clothes, before you venture out into perfect weather skipping through fields of lavender and daisies! There is hard stuff in that too, and if all goes right, you never come back to the single; to the beauty, to the perfection of the way things are right now! So let's not miss out on what is good now because we are so desperate to trade for what will be good, but for later. #God #Bible #singleness #single #marriage #1Thessalonians5:18 #rushingcoupling #enjoyingsingle #singlelife #TheApostlePaul #calling #missions #waiting

[melearuth]

Force

The emotions are perpetual. The words, they drone. The waves; their salt lashes violently and burns. The hand of the storm strikes a blow; a thick swift palm crashing, obliterating, exploding atop the apple of the cheek. Wham! Down, cowering, weak, broken. Drowning. Gasping, gasping, choking! Breath?! The words hold captive their breath. Nothing! Quit! Worthless! No future! No love! Walk away! Failure! Meaningless! Why, my soul, are you so downcast? Do you not see the life hidden within? There is treasure here! Pure, buried, perfect, human. Beautiful. Flawless. Spoken for. Taken. Orphan, lift your head, you are set free. Orphan, look not towards your grave. Life; mystery is momentary. For now, you do not see, but the day comes swiftly. Bright, renewed, hopeful! Springing forth and bounding! Leaping and dazzling! Though the colors be muted and downcast, then: every color and bright! Dancing and leaping across their vision! Breathtaking. Joyful. Free. True. Real. Let me carry vision into eternity. You already "are," not "one day." Clear the smog atop the lens. The cup of my palms overflow. Abundantly. Limitless.. Receive. Breathe in. Out. Repeat.

[melearuth]

Jesus was single too...

I had a thought tonight as I was talking to God on my way home from work. I was praying about finding peace in the midst of His will and in my singleness. I am in a very exciting season of working towards change and refinement in my life, as I am seeking greater intimacy with God; learning to rely only on Him, and learning to be sustained with the Father as my source instead of people. This being such a season I feel called to rest completely in God's plan and remain in my singleness a little longer as I am being refined. How much longer? Only God truly knows. As I talked (prayed) about how hard it can be to continue to remain without a mate, something occurred to me. What if Jesus struggled with this too?! I have no theology here, just thoughts, so please don't whack me with your Bible the next time you see me! So, Jesus was fully God and fully man. In the fact that He was purposed to take on our nature etc., so that the sacrifice on the cross would be wholly complete, I feel as if it would be fair to assume The Son of God was also plagued with much of what we as humans do battle with. We know that Jesus was tempted in the wilderness for forty days. I think it would be fair to assume that, at some point, Satan could have tempted him with lust. Now hear me out, I said "tempted" not that Jesus "succumbed" to temptation. I imagine the scripture Jesus rattled off to Satan during the end of this time in the dessert was not the only time He had to thwart His foe with the Word of Truth. Jesus was 33 years old when He was crucified. In his time (day and age) it was quite possible that, by that age, he could have already become a grandparent! Though He took His woes to his Father it wouldn't surprise me at all to know that he too may have longed for or wished that He could have a wife. He may have dreamt of becoming a Father too. It is hard to say, but one can imagine the possibility. Who is to say too that there were not women in all of his 33 years that weren't pursuing or enthralled with him? Who is to say there weren't those who might have thrown their wiles his way to see if they could be the one to get him to fall? I mean, he ran to that prayer closet quite a lot! There is nothing saying that there weren't a few times women were the topic of conversation! Jesus knew what He was brought to earth to do, and just like the calling on our lives, Satan will do anything to keep us from that. If he throws lust and desire at us, I think it is safe to bet Satan probably threw it at Jesus, and probably even to a greater degree, knowing the power and destruction His sacrifice would carry. I say all of this in order to scrawl another tic mark under the category that simply reads "Jesus Understands." I will mark mine right under the revelation that God not only knows what it felt like to be alone, not understood, mis-understood and rejected, but He got what it felt like to be single too. He gets it. He has been there-on probably more than one occasion too. This makes my heart just a little more happy. I am forever grateful the the Creator of the Universe possesses the gift of empathy.

[melearuth]

Genesis 2:5-7

From the abounding richness of virgin soil, not yet touched but pregnant with the fullness of life, of what was yet to come. Formed and molded by the mighty, strong, sure and steady hands of God. Breathed into by the life-altering exhalation of the Almighty Creator. This is how we were formed. This is our legacy. This is who we are.

[melearuth]

2014

Alone. Tha dump, tha dump, tha dump. The heart swooshes and silently it speaks. "Greater things are the things to come." Greater. Silence. "Return and redemption." These are the things I will give you." "I will return to you all the years the locusts have eaten." Lonely. "But only to this world." "Find me, and never be lonely." "Seek and you shall find." Changes. Good changes. "The best changes." Redemption. New Year. "Seek and you shall find, if you seek with all of your heart." "Draw away and let me speak to you softly." Kindly, gently. Return. "I will return to you all of the years the locusts have eaten" All. Beautiful. 2014

[melearuth]

Life Update

"One day you are going to be someone’s prize. You think you have to be perfect now for him to come along?! Listen, none of that stuff matters. That stuff won’t matter to him. You think you are too screwed up for anyone to love you? He will love you. He will see you as his treasure. You don’t have to be anything to be loved, you just will be."

The words rang through the center of me, vibrating past the tears rolling down my cheeks, shouting over the sobs I was holding in my chest. Prize. The word, associated with my existence? It had never occurred to me before. But the sounds, they continue to call for my recollection. Prize. So I held the word in my hand like a freshly caught grasshopper; every once-in-a-while I peer inside to see if it is still alive, and to help myself remember what it looks like.

I study it. The curves, nuances, what makes it different and special. Prize. The color and sound of it as I roll it around. All I know and the conclusion I can’t bear to hold in my brain, but somehow resonates in my heart is that it is mine.

For me, about me. Prize.

Woah.

[melearuth]

Am I Ready For My Future??

There are days and times when I begin to look into my future with curiosity.  There are so many things I wonder about.  Two things that stare me in the face most often are my future profession, and my future spouse. 

I have been at school for the last seven years now ,working on my Associates, trying to figure out what direction I want to take towards my major.  I think forward to that moment, in several more years, when it comes time to walk across that stage, grab my diploma, and stand with confidence saying: "This is definitely what I want to do with my life!"  Problem is, I don't know how true that is, and the thought of such a place of permanence really scares me.  What if I go through all of that, get my Masters, and find out that what I have directed my life to do isn't what I am most passionate about??!  What if I am no good at it?  What if I don't have the mental stamina for it?  What if I don't want to be a counselor?...  The thought leads me to cutting my thoughts short, because the "What If's" are too broad for me to digest??

Then I think of this love that is supposed to one day walk into my life, one day becoming my forever.  Let me begin by disclaiming that I have suffered through a string of bad relationships, most of which left me feeling completely used, uncared about, and worthless.  I mostly ended up feeling like just another girl in a string of girls.  To most I feel I meant nothing, and in thier actions I feel like they meant it.  I have to take some of the blame here because, for all intents and purposes, I let them treat me the way they did.  I let them treat me like it didn't matter if I was around or not, I let it slide when they didn't want to take me on dates, or treat me like their girl.  I take responsibility for that because I wasn't strong enough to stand up and tell them that I deserved better, or meant more than their petty, cheap, meaningless additudes towards me.  I meant...mean more than the sacrafice of the bare minimum!  But I am learning this now.  Slowly but surely in the status of singlehood I have sworn to uphold until I find my one; I am getting stronger, and finding for myself that I am worth more than I have previously accepted.  Still however, in this new life I lead, I have questions about who this man will be.  Questions of love, and how I will know that it is real.  Questions that make me wonder how I will be open enough with he and myself to let him really love me-from the core of my very being, to believe it as real, to believe that I am worth it.  How will it be to have a hand to hold forever, one that I will look down upon one day finding it spotted, wrinkled, and captivatingly beautiful still.  I wonder if it will be hard for me to trust; and on that day, when we become one, will it feel like a dream or will I know with my entire being that this is the moment God created both of us for?  To be together-one strength, one team, two hearts as one.  My heart has never traveled this journey, and even when I had uttered those three words before, I knew in my depths that I didn't truly mean them, because I knew it couldn't be it, or I was maybe just not old enough to truly comprehend the meaning. 

At 29 years old i am a valley of questions; a depth of untrue understanding.  I am full of questions of why, or why not, why has this taken so long, and lastly why have I not gotten there yet?  These are questions I may know the answers to one day, or I may never know but just have to accept.  Until then, the thoughts tremble in my gut when I give them way to be thought upon.

Maybe I will look back one day and not remember what these fears felt like, or even laugh at the thought that they once existed.  Either way, I hope so, I really hope so.

[melearuth]

If you know me, you may know that I have a tendency for, and an attraction to animals, especially ones in need. Well, yesterday, I was walking outside to do some work, and saw this bird...well not this bird, but one like it. As I walked by he didn't move, or flinch. As I bent down to check on him it seemed odd that he wasn't scared. So, I offered to pick him up and take him to get some water. Maybe he was parched, or just needed to cool down? What do I know? I offered a lift on my fingers, and he obliged. :) I, of course was thrilled! He eventually flew off, hopefully feeling much better. But afterwards one of my co-workers and I had a conversation about the fact that, because he was so pretty, he must have been a male. In the animal kingdom the pretty animals are usually male. They are the ones who have to prove themselves to the females for mating; very much unlike the human world. That led me to wonder if, the picture we see in nature is the picture God has actually intended for us. Have we twisted Gods true intentions for "the mating dance?" 1 Peter 3:3-4 tells women not to concern themselves with outter adornment such as braided hair, or jewels, but of the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. In a world where women wear the pants in families, and men are demasculated daily; where men aren't allowed to be men, and women shun the thought of gentlemanly help or assistance, I have to wonder if we have got this all backwards?? I believe that Men are supposed to be the heroes, the champions of their ladies' hearts. The ones who prove their worth in taking a woman's hand by their gentleness of heart, and strength of character, not the money they make, or how submissive and passive they can be to their woman's every whim and desire. Call me old fashioned, but I honor the proposal of the submissive woman. Submissive doesn't equal weak or pushover, it means that women take the roll of allowing the men God has created to come beside them, to be the men and champions God has called them to and created them to be. To me there is nothing sexier than a man whose sole desire is to honor, protect, and respect the women around him, no matter if it is his Mom, sister, friend, or bride. So, what do you think? Do we have it backwards? Are we doing it wrong?? Don't get me wrong, I love being cute, dressing up, and feeling attractive, but I wonder if we, as women, need to allow the men in our lives to do their thing to try to impress us, and show us just how good their dance moves are... ;)

[melearuth]

Man, this verse was JUST for me tonight!...well, ok, maybe it is just what you needed too. I have noticed, recently, just how gravely I seek out my approval from the reaction I get from the people in this world. All of my life I have actively sought out my identity from other people. To this day, I can feel completely horrible about myself if ONE person I am seeking attention/approval from couldn't care less about me...or could care more about someone else. I can also feel completely alone, or like a total stranger in a place/room full of people I already know. This has plagued me my whole life. I feel like it turns so many people off from getting to know who I really am. Worse off, I feel like it keeps me from allowing myself to be who I really am. I know God made me awesome, and gave me talents, and a purpose that no one else has, yet it stays hidden and is in a place filled with shame because I am not who i think everyone else thinks I should be. I'm on a new journey, and Monday morning (tomorrow) is the start of day one. I get a fresh start, and will choose to have a new perspective! I have to actively choose to focus on the positives in my life, and in myself; instead of the negatives, or things I perceive as MY negatives. It's a new slate, and a freshly washed chalkboard! To move on from here, and move up, life has to look different. So, instead of the worlds eyes, I will put on Gods eyes, and not only aim to see the world as He sees it, but to focus on Him, and have him show me how abundant this life can truly be! Here we go!!!