The Over Lover

Mia J. Burnside

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Dear Fear & Other Friends ( Self Hate, Jealously and Depression)

Dear Fear, Self Hate, Jealously and Depression, 

Fuck y’all ! You have crippled my growth for far two long and now I’m ready to live. You’ve stomped out Hope , Joy and Love for the last time. There is no more room for you left at this table and I’ll tell you why. 

For years you’ve robbed me of friends , opportunities and love leaving me with nothing but my pain and self loathing to keep me company and what miserable company to hold.  For far to long you’ve cause me to second guess my thoughts and doubt my intuition when I needed them the most. 

I hate y’all because y’all made me hate me. You made me cringe at the thought of being alone making me feel as if being alone meant that I was unwanted but oh its quite the opposite . 

Fear my dear, I found love and she loves me stronger and harder than any man could. When I wake up in the morning she holds me with all the love in her heart  as she thanks God for another day to call me her own. She’s constantly shielding me from the seemingly endless pits of depression feeding me positive thoughts and affirmations every chance she gets . She loves the skin I’M in, taking the time to admire it every time I walk by from my lopsided titties down to my knobby knees. 

We haven't always been this way and there have been several times in which you’ve made me  doubt her. Twice you’ve tried to make me kill her but OH her love was much stronger that any wedge you’ve tried to stick between us. Yes you tried to take her from me but what’s mine can never be taken says the lord. Fear, you hate her because you can never fill the spaces you’ve dug into my heart the way she can no matter how hard you’ve tried. Oh sure, I remember when one upon a time you called your self protecting me in your own way but her love has given me the strength and courage I need to survive the emotional potholes you’ve created.

I love her more that you could ever know and I pray this love continues to grow so strong that the memory of you just becomes a speck drifting in the distance as I bask in my Eternal sunshine. You see Fear, she is me and today I choose to cover her in the love and light she deserves and where light shines darkness can not enter so from this day forward you are no longer welcomed to enter my loves dwelling place. 

Learning to LOVE MYSELF without you,

Mia J. Burnside 

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"Because a little is never too much" ... (short stories by Mia J. Burnside )

Go check out the newest installment of Little Cupz Now  Chapter 2 | Part 1&2. 

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Learning to except less excuses and put myself first . Learning not to expect more than what's willing to be given. Learning when to step away when my self worth comes into question . Loving myself. Knowing myself . Embracing my own company ! #note2self #putyourself1st❤️

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#Grow Positive | #Water Your Dreams

“ Clear your mental space and make room for the things help you grow. No time for negative weeds. #GrowPositive” 

-My Twitter (HeyMiaJ) 

This year I am challenging myself to go outside of my comfort zone and actually go for my dreams. Yea, I know it sounds cliche but the hardest part about having a dream/ goal is actually getting up and doing it. I am the queen of procrastination full of talents and ideas that always seem to run away from me because well, my creative time management skills kinda suck. 

For the past year I have found just about every excuse as to why I am unable to creatively flourish. A new  camera , a new lap top and a brand new book deal later and I’ve run out of excuses for not pursuing my dreams. On top of me being the worlds most crafty procrastinator I am also cripplingly shy. Being a creative especially a writer I find myself in a vulnerable space that I’d much rather not be in because I am so private. Writing is healing to me. 

After releasing my first book “Thoughts Lost in Expectation” I learned that my pains and life lessons can help others get through there own personal trials . I take pride in what my book has done for others and as a result I began writing my second book. But there is more that I want to do. 

Instead of stressing over book #2 (which I am still writing) I’ve challenged myself to water all of the other dream seeds I’ve been planting in my goal book and as a result I’ve launched my own little personal campaign #WaterYourDreams. During this campaign I am challenging myself to put out something creative at least once a week until I can get myself on some kind of schedule and establish an accountability for myself to “stand in my destiny” as the old folks say and go full fledge after my dreams. In 2016 I don't wanna just talk about the things I wanna do I want to start achieving some of those goals. 

Along with #WaterYourDreams I am going to be pushing  #GrowPositive. #GrowPositive will be a constant reminder for me to protect my energy and only surround myself with people that help me grown and become a stronger and better person. 

In conclusion, this year I will be stepping outside of my comfort zone and exploring new ways to achieve my goals all while protecting my energy. 

To Kick off the #WaterYourDreams movement (for myself) I’ll be launching a short story blog called Little Cupz on www.littlecupz.tumblr.com please go check  it out and let me know what you think and remember , Don't be afraid of what you can acomplish ! 

[love-personal]

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#truth 

[metalhearted]

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Lucy, you don’t have to “splain” yo self no more !

So on this never ending journey to self ,quite often I find myself slipping into my own thoughts. In my most recent moment of self reflection  I’ve found that a lot of the awkward situations I’ve subjected myself to when it comes to friends and lovers alike occur due to this crazy self inflicted obligation to explain myself. 

I know that shit sounds childish but really have you ever been pinned in a corner for a decision you’ve made and instantly feel pressured to explain your actions? I have and in most cases it’s none of there GOD D@MN MUTHA FU%*ING BUSINESS but like I stated in my last post I tend to give the people around me this false since of entitlement when it comes to me and my feelings/ choices and recently I just got the urge to take that shit back. 

Granted there are some situations where it would be in your best interest to explain yourself in regards to the choices you make when they directly effect someone else and or your money in a negative way but outside of that, f%&k em. Your an adult and you’ve only got one chance to live this life and it should be validated by your happiness and your happiness alone . Do what makes you happy ! I’m and adult and I can do what I want. So the next time someone pressures me to explain myself I have the choice. So for all the other Lucys out there allowing your Rickys (friends and lovers) to push you in a corner tell em you grown and you don't have to “splain” yo self no more! 

No longer “splaining” myself  ,

-Mia J 

#FreeLucy 

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Cecile Emeke -Fake Deep

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How Dat Make You Feel ?!

On this journey to finding self I’ve been taking to social media to get out some of my thoughts and feeling that I cant compute with a pen and pad in the form of snap chat “rants” and floaty sub-tweets. In the moment these sudden releases felt so good but I quickly realized that this gorilla style transparency did nothing for my personal brand so I killed that experiment real quick !

However, standing back and looking at myself as I replayed my “Crown Confessionals” I realized that I give certain people more notably the men in my life too much power over my mood. Though my pride wont let me admit it, I truly measure my happiness off of the people in my life. Some of the people with the most power have done nothing to earn such but my expectations of them tend to let them pass through certain gates that I would normally keep guarded when it comes to my feelings.

In a lot of cases I let people get to close to soon leaving me vulnerable to pains that could have been avoided had I exercised more caution. I cling to people I’m scared of loosing holding them to expectations that were never confirmed. Out of fear and pride I convince myself that some of these relationships were worth the pain and shuffle of existing in undefined grey areas but It was only a disservice to myself.

I failed to realize that some people are truly meant to be in your life for a season and when you try to fight the change your the only one left out there alone trying to figure out why your wearing snow boots in July. Not to say all seasonal relationships (friend or otherwise) have to come to an abrupt end but when you don’t go with the wave you have no choice but to drown.

The key to letting go  is truly letting go with no expectations. Embracing what you learned, holding on to the memories you’ve shaped and moving forward into your next journey. I realized that people will forever control my feelings as long as I held onto expectation. I had to learn to just live in the moment.

No one is perfect and some people will let you down but it will never be the end of the world. Sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to but life goes on.

crownlessly yourz,

-Mia J

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She’s 26 now, what’s next

Over the past weekend I had the blessing of celebrating my 26th birthday. It was a beautiful day unlike any other because I was finally done with 25. Yea , some may say don’t rush to get old but I honestly couldn’t wait to age this year. The past year was what I’d like to call my healing year. I was forced to deal with a lot of demons that I thought I’d left behind.

It’s no secret I”suffer” from chronic depression and as a result I’ve never really dealt with my emotions in the best way but this past year I’ve decided to challenge myself to change that. Instead of burying my past and my pain in a box of “forgotten/forgiven” memories, I chose to deal with them head on and it wasn’t easy. For once I had to feel my emotions. I had to ask myself serious questions like; “Are you in control of your feelings or are your feelings in control of you?” In the midst of that conversation with myself, I decided not to let my feelings take control of me and live my life. Although depression is something that I will always deal with, I’ll never allow it to take over my life like it has before.

In between my highs and lows somewhere in the middle I found myself. I found that I really struggle with my relationships especially when it comes to the men in my life out of fear of abandonment. I found that sometimes (often times) I hold myself captive to unrealistic expectations and with that being said I’m my worst critique. For so many years I’ve measured myself to the standard of someone else approval so much so that I didn’t know how to be proud of myself for the things I’d accomplished. Once I began to recognize my triggers I started trying to identify way to combat them.

Though it was a breakthrough in and out of itself to identify these triggers it still something I’m still active monitoring till this day.Choosing to stay positive and live in the moment has proven to be the best thing I’ve done for myself in a long time . Along with much prayer, meditation and self reflection (specifically self love) I’ve learned to gain patience and understanding when it comes to dealing with people and my emotions towards them.

I feel that I will always be a work in progress because that’s life.  Life isn’t about the changes that occur but more so how we let these changes effect the way in which we choose to live our lives. I’m no longer ashamed of my battle with depression in fact I feel empowered because in identifying the issue I am able to find the road to healing and relief. Not to say that pain will never affect me again but now I know how to protect and build myself up in order to be the best me I can be for myself and the people I care about .

25 was definitely a struggle but I feel like 26 will have a lot of blessings to offer with these good vibes I’ve been harvesting lately.

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Hello

Oh Hey,

So its been a while sine I’ve actually blogged for myself and I think it’s about time that I start again. I’ve had several blogs in the past but it wasn’t until I wrote my first book that I discovered the true power of writing . I’ve always been a writer but I’ve never allowed myself to be as open and vulnerable as I have this past year with the release of my first book, “Thoughts Lost in Expectation” .  With this blog I plan on continuing my healing/growth process and along the way share with you all some of my creative projects and random thoughts . In short this blog is going to be a personal journal of me learning to love life and the woman I’ve become while looking forward with nothing but the most positive expectations. 

-Mia J