I can't stop looking at this panel. I love the symbolism. Yashiro pushes "close door" button, Doumeki presses "open door" immediately after, with their hands slightly touching for a brief moment. Poetic, beautiful, truthful, bittersweet. The beauty and tragedy of their whole relationship, summarized in one panel. Whatever inner or outer demon is determining their actions, somehow, they always end up passing each other in an opposite or different direction. Those tender moments in which they touch, is what they live for. And what I live for. This panel makes me feel like I would sell my soul to the devil for them to have those moments last forever.
- There is some connection between Doushinkai and Okuyama’s group. The info Yashiro gets from Inami is accurate: things have been heating up between groups since the hit-and-run in chapter 38
- Yashiro is being protected for some reason (I don’t know yet - maybe to keep him from blabbing to Inami again?) Doumeki puts Kamiya on the job. Yashiro bites Kamiya’s ear & says if he tattles to Tsunakawa about anything he hears, Yashiro will strip him and make him his fuck buddy ajsgajshal
- On their way inside the building, Doumeki says “I was never a match for you” (about Yashiro’s info gathering and tbh that’s so true, Yashiro is a master at that.) Yashiro tosses Kamiya to the side and grabs Doumkei, dragging him to the elevator, saying “You’ll be fine”
- In the elevator, Yashiro gives Doumeki some shit about choosing Kamiya as a bodyguard bc Yashiro can easily overpower him ajslhalsh Doumeki covers Yashiro’s hand on the button and says that he’ll be back, he needs to go pick something up (a package?luggage?a gun?) hmmmm
-The biggest takeaway from this chapter is that YASHIRO WILL NOT ACCEPT ANY BODYGUARD BUT DOUMEKI and *bangs pots and pans* I AM HERE FOR IT.
Yashiro pulling Doumeki is... everything. Doumeki's glove fell off, his mask slipped for a bit. Yashiro's sudden outburst really threw him out of balance. Praying for full-consent intimate session next chapter! Argh, a few panels of badass Yashiro, damasked Doumeki, gentle hand touching and whispering, and suddenly I'm hopeful?! Don't see the dangers of vulnerability, don't fear the turmoil of their inner demons? Not today anyway! :)
I was screaming reading this chapter's spoilers, literally screaming. NSFW has a different meaning for me. What is actually not safe is whatever turns a composed grown-ass woman into a crazed teenager. Seriously, people were looking at me like I needed exorcism of sorts. I'm not complaining though, previous chapter's spoilers left me with a depression for a month, I needed this rush! <3
You might think Yashiro’s reasons might lie (ha! pun totally unintentional) with Misumi-san and with good reason…
But, Misumi’s possessiveness is only part of the story.
The Yakuza served more than one purpose for Yashiro. We know the former Kashira saved Kageyama’s future by joining. But as much as he didn’t want the Shinsekai life, it provided him with much needed structure.
Yashiro is definitely brilliant, startlingly so. Yet without place to focus his intelligence, he could be plagued by his deepest and oldest demons. This seems like strange place to harness his mind, find a stream of men for masochistic sex and provide outlet for his sadist side. He would unavoidably come to harm, but let's face it, that's not a never been a huge priority for Y.
Being in the Shinsekai, helped him avoid and survive, his past and his aimlessness.
It was a way outside of constructs where society failed him almost entirely up until the age of 18. If it broke, just say 'fuck it.'
Apart from Kage, he doesn’t have a support structure. Some of his subordinates in his group provided this for him to differing extents.(Nananahara is probably the closest to him of the subordinates and would often cook for him and give him platonic company. This is pretty valuable, as we know through Yoneda sensei, Yashiro just isn’t that great at taking care of his basic needs - other than the one .)
With his forced conscription into the Yakuza, and then only in a warped way, was he allowed to advance and use his intelligence and savvy to his own monetary gain and advancement through the ranks.
I also think that Yashiro used being half-civilian-half-underworld as a coping mechanism when he pushed D out of his life. He didn’t stay half in for Doumeki. Remember it was Y who hoped against all hope that D had permanently resumed civilian life.
If Yashiro completely left the yakuza and most of what he knew in his adult life, the departure would have blown up the remnants of his life.
I’m not sure if Yashiro is aware of how he used being a Yakuza as a means to an end, but I honestly think he is more convinced of the organizational trappings and Misumi-san who have admittedly also kept him there.
I do think that the time is coming when Yashiro is going to strain against his underworld constraints and break some in the upcoming chapters. It seems inevitable at this point.
This is a great perspective, thank you so much for sharing. A lot of clever conclusions here, so much food for thought...
The abrupt breakage of patterns (however damaging they are) proved to be more destructive to Yashiro's well-being, than just continuing them or changing them gradually. So you are probably right when you say that "departure would have blown up the remnants of his life" at that point. Yashiro barely survived that period (psychologically), it wouldn't have taken much to push him over the edge. I've never thought that Yakuza might have become just one of those seemingly self-destructive coping mechanisms of his, the ones he just can't get rid of that easily. It's a really good point.
I still think that it has to happen someday for a happy ending to have a chance. I see no healing in such a destructive, high-stress environment, and Yashiro breaking free from his cage is one of the main themes of the story. Relationship with Doumeki especially can not survive such circumstances. It is questionable whether Yashiro can ever have a healthy relationship anyway; personally, I think it is unavoidable that he will eventually become substantially dependent on Doumeki. For him to endure the horror of Doumeki being in constant danger is unsustainable. His support structure is also a lot better now. I believe Sugimoto and Nanahara will remain loyal to him, whether he stays in Yakuza or not. Doumeki would follow him to the end of the world, although it is yet to be seen how stuck he himself is. He may be in too deep now, and it would be quite tragic if love ends up being the reason Yashiro chooses to stay again. Misumi will be a problem, a huge problem, but we'll see how that will play out. Admittedly, having much hope at this point is a struggle.
Yashiro's bitter conclusion about this path being the only way for him, was probably not completely unfounded, at least at that point in time. He had no one, he had nothing, he didn't even have himself... He just threw himself in the storm and let it carry him. As you said, the organization at least provided him with structure, stopped him from aimlessly getting consumed by his inner demons. Maybe Yashiro would've had a better chance if he had been taken by someone else rather than Misumi... If once in his life someone didn't turn the blind eye but actually helped him. But I wonder... even if he had been lucky enough to be offered some unrealistically altruistic help from someone, would he have been able to accept it (and not run, run as far he could from kindness and any decent human touch). Kage situation, as tragic as it was, gave him purpose at that moment. Perhaps for the first time in his life he had something really meaningful to fight for, which motivated him to put his talents to use. Misumi undoubtedly preyed on his weaknesses. Yashiro wasn't psychologically equipped to resist him anyway; coercion and abuse was all he ever knew, and his way of coping was acceptance. He did adapt really well, used his intelligence to make the most of it, but deep loathing towards this lifestyle never faded. On the contrary, it became worse the deeper he was pulled in. Yashiro felt trapped; perhaps he didn't know where his own psychological shortcomings stop and outer trappings begin, but his desire to break free was conscious.
It's interesting to think about why Yashiro even felt such strong repulsion towards being a yakuza. He wasn't that concerned about his well-being, that's for sure. He didn't seem like he was meaning to pursue other ambitions either, all he was doing was trying to f**k himself to death. He was fundamentally unable to help himself. How was being a yakuza so much worse than his already self-destructive, hopeless, meaningless life? He might not think he deserves better, but I do believe he has deep moral reasons for condemning the lifestyle. He can't quite grasp them himself, because he doesn't really think that highly of himself to acknowledge that he has a moral compass. I'm not inclined to whitewash Yashiro, he's a gray character. We saw him manipulate, beat, exploit, extort, assault others, often continuing the cycle of violence. He doesn't seem to dwell too much on all the illegal activities he participates in. He is sometimes abusive even towards people he loves... all that stands. But he's so, so deeply conflicted about it all... I've always thought about the conflict being a discrepancy between his innate morality, and the acquired result of his difficult upbringing. In a sense, the Yakuza life of violence only further damaged his connection with his true nature. But deep inside, it's there, and he can't seem to find the sense of belonging to this lifestyle at all. Any human being he sees as decent, he thinks would be better off living an honest life. He saw Kuga as light, because he fought back and didn't succumb to the same pressure Yashiro did years ago. I truly think getting out of Yakuza successfully, and distancing himself from the organized crime in general, would positively reflect on his mental health in the long run. How to get to that point, I honestly don't know.
i know yashiro's traumatized and we should take that seriously. but, for a minute, i want this fandom to appreciate the fact that our prince is the biggest dicktease in the world.
look at yashiro, getting all close, smelling like money, sex, and cigarettes, and leaning over that doumeki knockoff like he's about to give him the best night of his life.
i don't give a shit if he can't climax, yashiro just oozes sex wherever he goes. wreck me, daddy. choke me with your $500 italian silk tie.
and then he has the audacity to flirt:
baby boy is just out here looking fuckable as fuck and simultaneously unable to enjoy a good fuck. and yeah, that's sad. but i still enjoy the raw sexual charisma this man has to wreck everyone in visual range with his mere presence. that is agency, fandom; that is power.
Yashiro's charisma is matchless, but I also liked his (false) sexual identity. Rarely do I see a homme fatale character in fiction who is so convincing in being irresistible. He is dark, seductive, captivating... absolutely breathtaking while having sex. There is something so sophisticatedly predatory in his skillful flirtation. It was the first time even a BL stereotype "gay for you" made sense to me. Of course a bunch of yakuza fall for him; of course he gets to successfully use his sexuality to his advantage (in a homophobic environment nonetheless); of course an impotent mostly straight man overcomes his (conveniently psychological, but still) impotence for him - because who f***ing wouldn't?! Yashiro emits an aura of a sex god!
His sexiness feels so forbidden now, though... Deconstructing Yashiro's sexual façade felt like a personal loss, because it meant I could never go back to being unanimously enchanted by his sex appeal. I just can't unlearn, ever again. I watch this sexy beast now, but I'm not allowed to find release, all I can is... dive into the darkness, untouched. Maybe it will pass when he heals and claims his sexuality again, I don't know. Saezuru does this to me all the time. It takes away happy fantasies, incapacitates them. It is not a pleasant piece of fiction for me. It feeds my autodestructive tendencies and emotional masochism, and it's darkness constantly prevents my inhibitions to loosen up. I wonder if anyone else feels the same way...
i agree. there’s something unsettling about the sex scenes, particularly in ch. 22-25. it’s supposed to be this romantic catharsis and it becomes a tragic retraumatization.
even when i see doumeki and yashiro in intimate situations now, there’s always an undercurrent of unease. like you know that any romantic closure you’d expect at lovers’ meeting will be perpetually deferred.
part of me wonders if this is the whole point? i’d love to hear your thoughts. but it seems to me that by denying us that neat meeting each time, sensei is subverting the conventions of BL as a genre. the story isn’t about love in the BL sense anymore; it’s about trauma. and so, like the characters who’re trying to find some way to soothe themselves within the story, we readers also look for something to soothe ourselves within the interactions between yashiro and doumeki. sensei gives us tiny flickers of hope from time to time, but ultimately, like the characters, our search for comfort never yields anything that truly comforts us. instead of the fantasy BL relationship we’d like to dream about, sensei forces us to confront the harsh truth that fantasies and the comfort they provide are fleeting at best, and that the real work of healing is neither tidy nor linear nor romantic.
it’s unsettling, but i still think it’s hopeful: because sensei refuses to coddle us with a romanticized healing process, we know it’s okay if our own processes are messy. and we know it’s okay if we’re not comforted by the same things that comfort others. we’re not freaks; we’re just human. in my opinion, saezuru is such a celebration of humanity if you read it how it’s written and not how you want it to be.
what do you think @miadzudza @saezurumurmurs @artemisrisen? don’t feel obligated to answer; i’m just tagging you because i like your thoughts.
Yes, I agree with both you @eidolon-azii and @saezurumurmurs - my heart was irreparably broken in chapters 22-25.
Yoneda Kou created a character whose fear of inflicting sexual trauma on someone, was so deep that he became impotent - then made him watch the devastating consequences of his gentle lovemaking, ultimately making him feel like his worst fear came true, against all odds. She created a character fundamentally unable to experience intimacy - and gave it to him in the only way possible: against his will, out of his control. She made him believe he was unable to be hurt, because he was engaging in trauma-inducing behavior without processing any of his trauma for decades - then retraumatized him in the only way possible: by making love.
This is one of the darkest subversions I have ever seen. I have no words to describe how deeply affected I was. When I told my friend about this scene, and explained how hurt I was, she asked me an interesting question: "Then... why are you still there?" I said: "I don't know. It upsets me, but I can't take my eyes off it."
Art sometimes feels like this...
I read those chapters innumerable times. I hoped I could get desensitized to the debilitating emotional pain, and allow myself to embrace erotica. But in each reread, I kept uncovering more layers of devastation (like Aoi and Yashiro parallels; or dark foreshadowing of Yashiro thinking he traveled back in time to the room he was abused in). Even today, I still can't let myself go, especially while reading panels in long continuous sequence. I prefer looking at panels individually, out of context (e.g. Yashiro biting sheets, or Y&D french kissing). As it turns out, even my identification with Yashiro has its limits. Yashiro can maybe be aroused and horrified at the same time - I can't - for me, it's one or the other.
What separates this manga from other superficially similar pieces, are the absolutely devastating consequences, that make it nearly impossible to keep the fantasy intact. Many BL works use sexual violence in a fetishizing way, which almost always goes together with the lack of consequences. It's probably why many Saezuru fans tend to justify problematic actions of the characters, or minimize the consequences - they fight to protect their fantasy. They don't want the full extent of the pain, so they seek comfort wherever they can. Yoneda Kou - not only shows the harsh truth initially, but, like you've said - persistently refuses to provide us with romanticized healing process. The fan uproar after chapter 47 came out, clearly showed us that not everyone is here for the grittiness, rawness and realism.
I appreciate this manga for what it is. I've learned to endure its pain, and value the gradual progress of the characters. For happy fantasies, I go somewhere else. Until these characters heal and embrace their love and desire in a way I find satisfying, I know I will likely get no erotic fulfillment. That's fine, I get something so much more meaningful...
Why did Yoneda Kou choose this way? Was it purposeful? I don't know. Probably. She definitely succeeded in creating the characters who are compelling, fascinating and painfully authentic. Like you've said, they are so beautifully... human. Maybe that's why we can't really reduce them to a fantasy, because of the extent to which we relate and sympathize with them (like we would with real people in pain). And despite their brokenness, and it's manifestation - we accept them, understand them, feel them and love them. No, not despite - because of it! I loved your post, in which you've said that Saezuru makes us "find beauty in the brokenness (of the characters and within ourselves)". That is so true, and so wonderfully said.
This story transcended the purpose of the BL genre in more than one way. I'm still not sure how hopeful it is, though (my opinion fluctuates a lot). I guess all will depend on the way YK decides to end things. But even if the end hurts, I'm sure we'll find the meaning and beauty in tragedy, too.
P.S. I really dislike the bulky aesthetic of the endless reblogs. If anyone knows of a way to quote only the previous post, let me know :)
Hi! I hope you are doing well! A few months ago, I asked your thoughts about Saezuru having a happy ending. Now, with the little of the spoilers of ch47 that I've read, I want for a happy ending more than ever, but I see that far, far away of being a reality. I know sensei is probably tricking us, but I'm anxious and want something good to happen. What are your thoughts about it after the last chapter? Love! take care
Okay Anon, and all the previous Anons asking about 47! Get yourself a cup of hot tea, put on some relaxing music, strap yourselves in tight and for the love of all that's holy.... BREATHE!!!!
SPOILERS HO!!!!! TURN BACK NOW FOR HERE BE MONSTERS!!!
Remember back in 46 when I so graciously thanked Yoneda Kou for not showing anything to do with Inami's reaction to Doumeki hauling Yashiro away? Well... I still thank her profusely for that small dream, because that all ends in grand fashion in Chapter 47.
As we have been of late... we begin where we left off...
Nanahara, not trusting Doumeki at all after relinquishing Yashiro to him, decides to follow them. He laments that he wasn't keen on his motives but at least he's better than Inami. And when he saw Doumeki leave Yashiro's rather quickly, (hehe!) he figures that it's not something to worry about. After all, Yashiro didn't seem worried when Doumeki asked to drive him home.
Nanahara relates all this to Sugimoto who he decides to stop in and see and have a relaxing game of Mahjong. However, Sugimoto is something of a mahjong master and wins with all these ridiculously lucky moves.
LOOK AT HIM!!! LOOOOOOOK AT HIMMMMMM!!!!!!
Nanahara tells Sugimoto about Doumeki, and to his surprise, Sugimoto isn't shocked at all that Doumeki stayed in the Yakuza. He is however curious as to why he went with the Sakura instead of Doushinkai... (Well... Ask Amou!!!)
Nanahara thought Doumeki would go back to his life after hearing that Yashiro didn't want him, but now thinks that he should have been harsher with Doumeki about leaving and getting a new start on life.
Nanahara says he must have been too naive, which Sugimoto informs him that he was always naive before so why change now?? HAHAH!
Nanahara mentions that they've decided to go after Kido's money, and Sugimoto offers to help. Nanahara tells him it's best if he leaves it to them. Sugimoto offers some advice that he can smell bad news dealing with Doumeki. He just has this ominous feeling and dealing with another group is unsettling.
Nanahara tells Sugimoto that other than being rude to Yashiro and taking liberties of calling him "Yashiro-san" he seems to be okay. After all, he spoke to people in the Sakura and they told him that the club's mama (we've met her before!) is Doumeki’s woman!
Nanahara learns that the others have seen her going into Doumeki’s place on several occasions. Nanahara seems to think that if Doumeki’s interest in Yashiro has waned then it might be okay, even though he feels disappointed in the circumstances. Sugimoto says it’s typical for a yakuza to date a sex worker, and Nanahara teases that Sugimoto’s typical girlfriend is:
Meanwhile, Doumeki visits his “girlfriend” and omnimously goes inside...
We are left to think that something is indeed going on with them, but other than this, we see no more of her for the remainder of the chapter.
THIS NEXT PART COMES WITH TRIGGERS. Due to Crumblr flagging particular content, I will not be showing Inami’s hideous face.
“So...still can’t get it up?”
4 years ago, Yashiro left the Yakuza and started his own casino business.
He took Nanahara...
But Yashiro has been hiding an awful secret... nope not his crap vision...
Yashiro is impotent.
Some time in the last 4 years since they had met that day in the hotel, Yashiro encountered Inami again, who had raped him again. Inami had tasted something unique 4 years ago, and even though he despised Yakuza he had developed a taste for Yashiro.
But Yashiro felt nothing.
His entire person was created on pain and abuse. He became unable to live without men because one had raped him.
And now, no matter what he does...
No matter who he does it with....
The pain isn’t enough....
The sex isn’t enough... only one person in the last 4 years has made Yashiro’s body awaken....
Yashiro starts to understand that, like Inami, he tasted something wonderful 4 years ago, and he can’t “unknow” this feeling. He could have carried on with his life in blissful ignorance, had he never been shown something better.
But his body only wants one person, and fantasies aren’t even enough.
Inami had brought up several times that Doumeki couldn’t have satisfied Yashiro if he came to him, but Yashiro asks him for the information on Okuyama in trade for sex. Inami tells him what he knows, and when Inami asks for information in return, Yashiro turns him down, saying his body is enough payment and that’s all.
Inami drives Yashiro home because it’s not that Yashiro is a terrible driver... it’s that those darn guardrails on the street just keep hitting his car!!! LOL!!!
Inami keeps digging for info on Doumeki and Yashiro keeps denying that he even knows anything about him personally. Inami says it’s funny to see someone like Doumeki who used to be a good guy fall into crime. Yashiro tries to change the subject by saying that Doumeki actually thinks Yashiro is feeding info to Inami and that he thinks it’s Yashiro who seeks Inami out for sex and not the other way around.
Yashiro tells Inami that he’s way worse off because though Yashiro can’t get off at all, Inami can only get off by doing it with someone as depraved as Yashiro used to be. That’s pretty sad, and Yashiro finds it pretty funny.
Inami tells Yashiro to quit laughing because his guard dog was coming at them with a scary face, to which Yashiro replies, he’s not my guard dog anymore, further sealing that his connection to Doumeki is no deeper than their own.
Then Doumeki arrives. Yashiro asks him what he’s doing there and he responds that he only has Nanahara’s number.
Not sure if he would have called Yashiro before stopping by anyway since “the guard dog” really came when he smelled troubled... or maybe he smelled an enormous pile of shit...
To Inami: Fuck off!
Inami doesn’t like it but he doesn’t stick around to find out if he gets off on being choked out again.
Doumeki wants to know what Yashiro was doing with Inami and Yashiro vaguely implies that Doumeki probably already knows. Doumeki reminds him that he told him to only come to him for the time being, and Yashiro pouts and reminds him that he hasn’t accepted the deal yet.
Doumeki seems to blow off Yashiro’s denial and says, “Come with me.”
So that’s where we are! Things are still not all sunshine and flowers yet, but Spring is just around the corner! Yashiro has finally called the thing that ruined his life by its true name: rape. He is not romanticizing it anymore. He is finally in that place that Aoi got to because she had Doumeki.
What happens next? We find out on March 31st!!!
Speculators!!! Start your engines!! (And please, mind the guardrails!!!)
How did I miss this post before?! Thank you so much for this amazingly detailed summary! You alleviated the anticipation by half! :*
I'm not too hopeful for the spring yet, but it looks to me like a new touching session is around the corner. No one expects a total surrender yet, but do I at least dare to hope dub con will be avoided? Nope. I was disillusioned and heartbroken too many times, so depressive realism is all I have now. But yeah, progress is being made, they'll come there eventually... :)
We agree on pretty much everything (at least about Misumi, not always about Yashiro - I see way more darkness in Yashiro). Your analysis of their chapter 36 encounter is so spot-on; it clearly shows us the problem is as alive as ever.
Misumi conflict is not only interesting as a personal conflict between Yashiro and his "doting parent" (should we say groomer?), nor only as a professional conflict between Yashiro and his yakuza boss... It is thematically interesting: we're talking about Yashiro and his freedom.
There is only one possible happy ending for me: Yashiro must fly. That means he has to be freed from both of his cages - inner and outer.
Getting out of his inner cage would mean healing from his trauma, managing depression and all the other comorbid mental issues he has, including overcoming his fear of love and intimacy. Ideally, this would be achieved with therapy, but I'll accept a partial progress, the one that would make me realistically hopeful for the future.
Getting out of his outer cage would mean getting out of Yakuza for good. This is not negotiable for me. A lot of fans seem to think that Yashiro can find happiness in Yakuza, but I don't see that happening at all. Yakuza plot is interesting to read, but it shouldn't be the endgame. Not only does Yashiro want to get out, more than anything - he needs to. For him to recover, being in a stable environment is crucial.
The first problem is way more intriguing to me, and I will probably focus more on that in the future, but the second one is directly linked to Misumi, who we are talking about now. That conflict is simply inevitable; it was set up from the beginning, and four years later nothing has changed, Misumi is still Yashiro's captor. He may have let him go outside and play for a while, but now he's running out of patience and pulling the leash. The only question is whether Misumi will take extreme measures to keep Yashiro in his control like he's hinted, or will he eventually let him go (without a huge, destructive fight). Most of Saezuru characters are presented as dark and deeply flawed, while at the same time have good qualities. They are complex and not easy to predict, there are indications of them going both ways... But yeah, even among them all, this is how I see Misumi too - as an unscrupulous, entitled, self-interested yakuza, who fills me with nothing but dread. What will actually prevail, the time will tell. :)
i know yashiro's traumatized and we should take that seriously. but, for a minute, i want this fandom to appreciate the fact that our prince is the biggest dicktease in the world.
look at yashiro, getting all close, smelling like money, sex, and cigarettes, and leaning over that doumeki knockoff like he's about to give him the best night of his life.
i don't give a shit if he can't climax, yashiro just oozes sex wherever he goes. wreck me, daddy. choke me with your $500 italian silk tie.
and then he has the audacity to flirt:
baby boy is just out here looking fuckable as fuck and simultaneously unable to enjoy a good fuck. and yeah, that's sad. but i still enjoy the raw sexual charisma this man has to wreck everyone in visual range with his mere presence. that is agency, fandom; that is power.
Yashiro's charisma is matchless, but I also liked his (false) sexual identity. Rarely do I see a homme fatale character in fiction who is so convincing in being irresistible. He is dark, seductive, captivating... absolutely breathtaking while having sex. There is something so sophisticatedly predatory in his skillful flirtation. It was the first time even a BL stereotype "gay for you" made sense to me. Of course a bunch of yakuza fall for him; of course he gets to successfully use his sexuality to his advantage (in a homophobic environment nonetheless); of course an impotent mostly straight man overcomes his (conveniently psychological, but still) impotence for him - because who f***ing wouldn't?! Yashiro emits an aura of a sex god!
His sexiness feels so forbidden now, though... Deconstructing Yashiro's sexual façade felt like a personal loss, because it meant I could never go back to being unanimously enchanted by his sex appeal. I just can't unlearn, ever again. I watch this sexy beast now, but I'm not allowed to find release, all I can is... dive into the darkness, untouched. Maybe it will pass when he heals and claims his sexuality again, I don't know. Saezuru does this to me all the time. It takes away happy fantasies, incapacitates them. It is not a pleasant piece of fiction for me. It feeds my autodestructive tendencies and emotional masochism, and it's darkness constantly prevents my inhibitions to loosen up. I wonder if anyone else feels the same way...
Doumeki and his post-timeskip relationship with Yashiro - What's changed, what hasn't, and what will never change
My focus of attention has always been Yashiro, but I've been gathering my thoughts on Doumeki these days... He's very interesting for analysis now and unfairly neglected by me. This evolvement actually gave him way more dimension, made him more engaging for readers like me. So I want to give my opinion on his present persona. Specifically, to address the dilemma about his cold demeanor: when he is acting, when he is not, what's changed and why. Of course, these are all just my personal thoughts, and might change as the story progresses and when we get some insight into his inner world...
This is a lengthy analysis, so I'll put the rest of the text under the cut (hopefully I've learned how to do that - we'll see :D)
I think most of us agree Doumeki's feelings haven't changed. Doumeki was mesmerized by Yashiro, borderline obsessed. He would've done anything for Yashiro (understandably - the guy is irresistible). But more than that, love for Yashiro gave meaning to Doumeki's existence: a passion for life and a reason to live, which he had fundamentally lacked before. He dedicated his life to Yashiro, because, without him, Doumeki would've been ripped of a meaning again. So he stayed in Yakuza, motivated only by the slim possibility of (maybe, someday, somehow) their paths crossing again. Yashiro wanted Doumeki to fly away and be free... but Doumeki can never be free, not while Yashiro is trapped. I've never thought their attachment to one another was healthy, but it was romantic to the bone. They simultaneously fixed and broke one other, touching each other's souls in a way that leaves lifetime consequences. They were literary created to be perfect for each other (that's canon), so yes, Doumeki's love is something that hasn't and will never change.
A big part of Doumeki's demeanor is not an act, not in essence. Sometimes, it's a safe representation of his accumulated hurt feelings. For example: "So you remember me, Kashira." or "You'd still do it with anyone". Those words reveal which Yashiro's actions hurt Doumeki. Doumeki also finds it important to emphasize that he's not Yashiro's little bird anymore. He's an independent, grown man. Now - they're equals: "I'm not your subordinate anymore (you can't kick me out)", "It’s my time and my body." (my love to take me where it wants). He's not reluctant to take actions, confront or provoke Yashiro: "Can you do it with me then? (See? I can even do it your way! Or maybe I still mean something to you, so you can't?)"
When is he saying the opposite of what he feels? Well, he conceals his feelings all the time and does a lot of damage control. For example, when he explained why he knocked out Kido: "No, I'm not furious because he spat in the face of the man I love right in front of me... I'm just doing it 'cause I'm Darkmeki!". In the bathroom scene: "No, I'm not impatient to see you naked, and it's not like I want to start a conversation because I'm interested in you and wanna learn where you stand now after four years of not seeing you... I'm just doing my duty, being a good host and... guarding... something... that I can't guard by the door outside the room." That whole conversation at the end of chapter 46 is a mess. Here is how I would translate his words: "it's not like I'm dying to touch you again after four years - even if it has to be like this - and it's not like that is the only thing I think about every time when I'm alone... I just want to take care of your needs, so you wouldn't compromise my business. It's not like the way Inami made you scream four years ago, still haunts me in my dreams or something. And no, my blood is not boiling at the mere thought of other men touching you and hurting you in my proximity... I just want to be your sole sexual partner because it makes total sense that your sex life would somehow seriously ruin my group's business." Yeah, Yashiro bought that. When Doumeki turns away from Yashiro after having a tense confrontation, he sometimes takes a moment to consolidate. But whenever Yashiro can see him - mask is on. Often, he's conveniently drawn in a way that prevents even us the readers to see his face in especially critical moments.
I won't talk much about the woman. I still like artemisrisen's theory quite a bit. I definitely think Doumeki's involvement with the woman is some kind of ruse, although I'm not opposed to the idea of him having a sexual relationship. After all, Doumeki thinks Yashiro is having sex left and right, so why not him? That would actually be more interesting. It's just... the way this is set up is way too suspicious. Something is not quite right. Regardless of the nature of their relationship and Doumeki's motivations, I guess her main purpose will be to ignite Yashiro's jealousy and bring him to the edge faster. One part of Yashiro probably deludes himself that Doumeki having a woman is good for him. Maybe even Doumeki thinks so. After all, these kinds of things help Yashiro stay a "bystander". But Yashiro could've never maintained that position with Doumeki successfully, and now It's practically impossible. He will soon realize how much Doumeki being involved with a woman just... really, deeply, uncontrollably, indisputably, unbearably hurts him.
Even though Doumeki seems to have mastered the art of concealing his feelings, his honesty and concern sometimes get through. In small things, like how he grabs and holds Yashiro in the bathroom, asking him if he's alright. Or when faced with greater danger. I believe the main reason he drove Yashiro home was because he was upset at the prospect of Yashiro getting involved in a dangerous feud between families. It wasn't very smart of Doumeki to confront him directly (because when has Yashiro ever valued his life? Danger will only make him want to stay and protect Doumeki). Nevertheless, I believe he didn't plan to push boundaries that night. Inami made him lose control for a second. Just like back at Tsukanawa's. Blinded with jealousy, anger, weird mix of possessiveness and protectiveness... and moments after he became aware that Yashiro wants something from him - yet flees (as always) - he made a move. That was a slip of his mask. But what was the worst that could happen? Yashiro to disappear from his life again? Maybe it's better for Yashiro to go away, a dangerous yakuza war is approaching.
Doumeki's detachment during intimate moments is absolutely deliberate. He's NOT doing it to hurt Yashiro's feelings, he's not doing it because his own feelings have changed, or because he has a girlfriend now. On the contrary. Doumeki knows he hurt Yashiro when he made love to him four years ago. Yashiro cried, and Doumeki looked at him and saw his sister. That made him feel like his worst fear (becoming like his father) came true, and it caused immense guilt and regret. Yashiro fled. Later, when they reunited, Doumeki promised not to touch him again. He wasn't able to figure out the problem, until he had that enlightening conversation with Nanahara on the roof. So... he shouldn't have forced intimacy on Yashiro. He shouldn't have lost control over his feelings. He had four years to drown in his guilt. He still doesn't know how deeply Yashiro was affected. That night of shared love absolutely destroyed everything that made Yashiro survive his formative years, subsequently making Yashiro unable to maintain his protective behavior successfully (so: impotence, engaging in retraumatizing sex - I've talked about it in my previous posts). Yashiro did hurt Doumeki - he shot the guy, went to a suicide mission right after Doumeki spilled his heart out to him, then he pretended not to remember him - but if we combine all the extreme measures Yashiro took to push Doumeki away, I don't think it would ever even come close to the pain Doumeki (unintentionally, but still) caused Yashiro the night they made love. He doesn't want to hurt him like that ever again.
So yes, Doumeki is cold and distant, cautious and calculating. He's still not aware of Yashiro's emotional progress. All he knows is that Yashiro can't deal with feelings. He thinks nothing has changed. From Doumeki's point of view, everyone can have Yashiro more than him. So he shows Yashiro he can be safe too, his feelings are no longer a danger. When Doumeki started to undress him, Yashiro said the same thing he always says: "Just get done with it quickly". One unexpected (and maybe slightly worrisome) side effect of Doumeki's emotional blockage, is that it partly crippled his intuition. Yashiro is in a very fragile state of mind, his act is not impeccable anymore; he sometimes looks so vulnerable in front of Doumeki, but I'm not sure Doumeki notices. It seems like metaphorical "gloves" Doumeki wears, block the touch both ways. He looks determined to maintain the distance at any cost.
Even if Doumeki knew the truth (that Yashiro loves him and is coming to terms with his feelings; that he's starting to crave gentle touch; that he now dreams about kissing Doumeki; that Doumeki is the only person on Earth who Yashiro wants and who can please him at this moment) I don't think for a second that it would solve all their problems. Yashiro's struggle with love and intimacy will probably continue for a long time. He'll occasionally want to flee, provoke, challenge, push away. Four years weren't enough to annul previous thirty-six years (as we can see, Yashiro still can't quite break the damaging pattern of behavior - despite his realization, he's still engaging in violent sex), and these few days will certainly not be enough to magically erase the previous forty years. I'm doubtful Yashiro is ready for Doumeki's pre-timeskip level of affection, but he could be ready for a slightly different approach. The problem is, these two people never knew how to communicate properly, and I don't see that problem magically disappearing either. I think Yashiro is destined to lose control and fall apart at one moment, be crushed with his pain and all sorts of uncontrolled feelings. It can't be avoded, it's just a matter of time and circumstances. I hope Doumeki will be there to embrace him when it happens.
There is definitely a part of Doumeki that's changed on a deeper level. He's matured, toughened up. He faced his fears, lived through his pain, reached his hell and rose up stronger. He gained agency and independency Yashiro always wanted him to have. He's focused, resourceful, strategic. No one will ever say he's not fit for this world again, because he's learned to adapt really damn well. He displayed an outstanding will power (being one of those people who underestimated him, I'm actually impressed). But I think his core is the same. And he's undoubtedly still powered by love. So, in the end, both Tsukanawa and Yashiro were right: there are parts of people that change, and unchangeable parts we're predisposed to (nature vs. nurture debate is never-ending). We sometimes get a glimpse of Doumeki Yashiro loves; for example, when he's texting with the little girl he saved, being as sweet as a cuddly dog. That is a part of him he chooses not to make so prominent now.
Doumeki was never one-dimensional. He was never all sweetness, goodness and naivety - Yashiro idealized him. Which is strange to me... Yashiro saw Aoi receiving some pretty cold treatment at that time. Doumeki rejected his family, hurt his mother and sister immensely. He ignored Aoi for years, despite being aware of her worsening mental health. He was capable to inflict serious, life-threatening bodily injuries to people, without a second thought. In his relationship with Yashiro, he was pushy, often forceful in his displays of affection. He never knew how to respect boundaries. It doesn't matter if the breach was gentle or rough, lack of consent was undeniable. Yashiro repeatedly made a point of how Doumeki shouldn't idealize and romanticize him, while he at the same time kept idealizing Doumeki, staying blind to Doumeki's own inner darkness and underestimating his potential. In the end, I think, it was Yashiro who fell in love with an idealized version of Doumeki, much more than the opposite. Yashiro's emotional development was badly compromised, so it makes sense that the way he falls in love is immature. Part of it was Doumeki's fault, though. Even then, he was intentionally hiding parts of himself. His manipulation was far less skillful, everything was showing on his face (Yashiro probably didn't see it only because he didn't want to), but this time he's doing it so well that even we, the readers, are left to wonder. Both Kamiya and Yashiro said in front of him that yakuza are like actors, and Doumeki seems like he's learned just how to be one - an excellent one.
One thing I want to talk about right now, after reading chapter 9 of Saezuru, is Misumi, and his current role in the present timeline, and how I’ve started to think that he might end up being the real villain of this story. After reading this chapter, I feel like there’s a LOT of red flags surrounding Misumi and the role he might play in being a serious threat to Yashiro and Doumeki achieving any kind of a happy ending. This isn’t something I’ve seen touched on much, but I think it’s a real possibility.
Misumi is a complex character, a multi-layered character who’s exhibited both good qualities, and bad. He had a genuine and loving relationship with his deceased wife and with Amou, as well as with Korubane. In some ways, he’s shown a genuine fondness for Yashiro, and favored him above others as well, etc… But the farther I get into my second read through of this manga, the more concerned I am about him. We know in the present chapters, Misumi is trying to get Yashiro to come back to the Yakuza, and that he’s even expressed a willingness to do whatever it takes to force Yashiro back to his side. He’s clearly not happy with Yashiro’s decision to leave.
Now, it’s pointed out frequently throughout the story that Misumi used to be an extremely violent man. We don’t see so much of that from him in the story, but it’s referenced again and again. Amou points out that Misumi used to be like “the wrath of god”, and that he got chills every time he saw him, no matter how often he did. In chapter 9, we see the first time Misumi meets Yashiro, and he introduces himself by beating the living hell out of Yashiro for no reason at all, other than to satisfy his own, sadistic desire.
We also know that Misumi is extremely possessive of Yashiro, that he made threats of bodily harm against Doumeki when he thought Doumeki was potentially going to make a move on Yashiro, etc… And we know that Misumi isn’t beyond manipulating Yashiro, and playing on Yashiro’s fears and insecurities to get what he wants out of him. He tells Yashiro that his “sentiment”, meaning his wish to go back to civilian life, is “worthless”, and actively feeds into Yashiro’s fears that he has no place in regular society, and can never live or survive there. Clearly, as fond as Misumi is of Yashiro, he sees and treats him more as an object to own, than as a real, living person. He treats Yashiro more as a toy that’s there for his own, personal amusement, than as a human being who deserves to be treated with respect, and make his own life choices.
I get the feeling that some of the set up we get with Misumi being more gentle now than he used to be, being less violent, and some of the background scenes we have of him showing the genuine relationships he’s had in his life, are red herrings, there to cover up what he might actually turn out to be, which is the main antagonist of this story.
A lot of Misumi’s fondness for Yashiro seems like a surface level thing to me, not truly rooted in actual, sincere care, but rather his own, selfish desire to possess Yashiro. I get the feeling then that Misumi might go so far as to kill either Yashiro or Doumeki in a jealous rage, if he really believed he was on the cusp of losing Yashiro. This, in fact, could be where the story is headed.
I noticed in chapter 9 that Kageyama, while talking to Doumeki, tells him that Yashiro’s always lived a dangerous life, and that he often finds himself thinking that he wouldn’t be surprised if Yashiro “died tomorrow”. Then there’s the scene from chapter 8, after Yashiro is shot, and we’re given that panel of Doumeki cradling Yashiro’s seemingly lifeless body. All this could be a red herring too. But it could also be foreshadowing. We know Yashiro wants to protect Doumeki, wants to save him from a life of violence and hopelessness, like the one he’s fallen into with the Yakuza. If Misumi at some point in the story tries to kill Doumeki, well, I wouldn’t be surprised myself if Yashiro ends up sacrificing himself to save him. We’ve already seen that Yashiro is willing to do so, with giving Doumeki up in the first place, driving him away, and even risking Doumeki’s hatred if it meant getting him to a safer, better life. And with the recurrent theme of Doumeki willing to get himself killed in order to protect Yashiro, it seems like a real possibility too that this idea will get turned on its head, and it’ll be Yashiro who ends up getting killed for Doumeki.
Now this is all just pure speculation, so please don’t anyone have a melt down over me saying this. I know it’s not what a lot of fans want to hear. I’m just throwing some ideas out there over some things I’ve observed.
I just think it’s entirely possible that Misumi could end up being the true villain of this story, the main obstacle in place of Yashiro and Doumeki ending up together. It’s an interesting thing to think about, either way. Saezuru is, in many ways, a true tragedy, and has a genuinely tragic tone running throughout. So I don’t think we can rule out the possibility of a tragic ending, in staying consistent with that tone.
I have no energy to spare at the moment, so I don't feel like I can add much to the discussion, but I want to briefly support this theory. I agree, I also theorize about Misumi possibly being the final Big Bad of the story. It's more of an intense gut feeling, than something I put a conscious effort to support with evidence. Misumi's made me uncomfortable and anxious from the start... but the backstory of how he lured, trapped, groomed and claimed Yashiro, left me in a state of high alert. Yashiro is mostly a prisoner of his inner demons, but externally - Misumi is his captor.
I agree with you, I also have an impression he treats Yashiro more like a valuable possession than family. Every time he shows up, Misumi makes sure to tighten the leash around Yashiro's neck and reaffirm his control. In every such encounter, it is painfully apparent how much Yashiro despises his cage. Maybe he's been collecting money in the hope of buying out his freedom somehow, but I'm not sure that's going to be enough. Even the way Misumi speaks to Yashiro creeps me out; whenever he says something like "become mine", "show me what's mine", "what a bad son"... I get shivers down my spine. Instead of sometimes acknowledging how dark he sounds (for example, when he antagonizes Doumeki for no reason), other characters just mutter that he's being a benevolent doting parent, which has always seemed to me like a way to mislead the readers. Everything about Misumi rubs me the wrong way, and I don't think he'll be willing to let Yashiro fly, not without a fight. So your prediction about him eventually wanting to get rid of Doumeki, makes sense. Misumi is quite a beloved character among fans... but I don't trust him, I see him as a threat, and I want him out of Yashiro's life. I also fear Amou might end up dying for him, which could unleash Misumi's dormant dark side and maybe make things all more complicated for Yashiro. Perhaps we're wrong; we seem to be a minority. I hope we are, because Yashiro having another parent figure betray him, would be exceptionally cruel.
About Yashiro sacrificing his life for Doumeki... It's a realistic possibility. Misumi killing Yashiro is actually not a bad idea; thematically, it would be good storytelling, certainly tragic. I've always thought the most tragic end for me would be Doumeki dying first (even though Yashiro is my whole world). Because, if that were to happen, it would've likely happened after Yashiro finally embraces his love and after it becomes absolutely unbearable for him to lose Doumeki. I don't think his soul would've survived that. Yashiro has been flirting with death for a long time, he would welcome it as a sweet relief. And if Yashiro can't be saved, I would much rather him to have his preferred death (by saving the person he loves and avoiding the pain of losing them), than the last gut-punch from this sadistic life YK gave him, to be watching his heart die. Because yes, Yashiro would have no heart left, hence neither would I.
a spoiler discussion for doumeki and a reveal in chapter 47
Please be aware I’m discussing something “revealed” in chapter 47.
Full disclaimer: I don’t care if Doumeki is dating a woman. It’s been four years, he’s a full-grown man that’s no longer impotent, he was rejected (not just rejected but “forgotten”) by Yashiro, etc etc. He has every right to pursue a physical relationship with someone else (I don’t say romantic, because let’s not be absurd; he’s not in love with anyone else except Yashiro). However, I was a bit surprised by the shockwave reaction from the fanbase (both western and Japanese), because it seemed to me like this was…kind of a ruse by sensei, although it took me some time to parse out why. So. I will elucidate. Spoilers under the cut.
An amazing theory! Presented logically and to the point! I subscribe to it! I haven't honestly thought that much about Doumeki's woman, because that plot point was irrelevant to me. I'm absolutely certain that no woman is a real obstacle. Those two have way too many deep-rooted issues I can't stop thinking about. I'm surprised the fandom even cares about this so much. But It should've been suspicious how much space discussion about Doumeki's interest in women has taken. Maybe I shouldn't have glossed it over. Now when you present it like this, it really sounds like YK was setting this up as an important future conflict (which I'm not sure I'm interested in, at this point). In my mind, the woman is just another way to reaffirm the distance and solidify Doumeki's act.
And thank you for including more chapter 47 spoilers (Nanahara and stuff).
It definitely shows his stepfather raping him. And Inami. And his attempts at having sex with other guys. It's not only narration, it looks like Yashiro is having flashbacks, implying every violent sex he has now is retraumatization. He survived by engaging in a painful trauma-inducing behavior without processing any of his trauma for decades. Now he's completely unprotected, consumed with horror, and unable to stop this harmful pattern of behavior. The background of the scenes showing Inami's present torture are black, the flashbacks are realistic and vivid... but when he thinks of Doumeki, there is light…
Yashiro is in his forties. His normal development was disrupted early in his childhood. Then there was trauma upon trauma. How do you undo all that damage on a fundamental level? I often wonder if it might had been better for Yashiro to just be left alone in his fortress of lies. Whatever he had, it was functioning for him, the pain was bearable. But there is no going back now...
I don't know why, but today I imagined a scene of Yashiro cathartically crying in Doumeki's arms, Doumeki holding him tightly, embracing him with his huge body. In my fantasy, he was that kid from the closet and Doumeki assured him he would never let him go. When I wrote my first post about chapter 47, I said I wasn't hurt yet. Well, that post was based on a lack of knowledge. I saw only a few panels at that time, fan interpretations with no context. So yes, I'm hurt now.
Thank you for sharing, lustfulcat.
P.S. If this painful anticipation doesn't make me take some Japanese classes, nothing will. How were you guys doing this for years? This is torture.
Yes, Yashiro is in a dark place; depressed, defenseless. But the realization he narrated to us probably isn't new to him. It's new to us, because we see him for the first time completely naked and disillusioned. Honestly, he looked low-key depressed to me since the time skip. He probably lost the comfort of his lies years ago. And he kept the painful pattern of behavior - despite his realization, despite pain being everything that was left - because that is the only way he has ever known. He's struggling to make sense of it, but it has become so deeply ingrained in himself, originating from his formative years, that abandoning the pattern abruptly would have been even worse at that point. There is still hope, I think. Yashiro recognizes it for what it is now. His true desire is slowly seeding and raising from an unconscious level. He's learning to be honest with himself. But he's still not ready. Many fans seem to think that, somehow, most of the problems rooted in deeper psychological levels, would be resolved if those two would suddenly become aware of each other's feelings. Unfortunately, it is not that simple. Yashiro has a long struggle ahead of him, and Yoneda Kou won't cheat the progress.
Intimate meetings with Doumeki will continue, and they will probably become more intense each time. Faced with a struggle to maintain his composure, Yashiro will occasionally want to flee. But it is unlikely he would abandon Doumeki now when he knows he's still in Yakuza, currently in the middle of a dangerous operation. His rationalization (protecting Doumeki by leaving him) doesn't work anymore. Even if he thinks Doumeki hates him now, he'll want to make sure he stays alive.
I don't think Doumeki will give up on him, but the tension is probably going to culminate at some point. The chance of Doumeki being in love with that woman is probably close to 0. He toughened up, sure, but he had to. Yashiro is not the only one who faced his worst fears. Doumeki faced his fear of becoming like his father and losing Yashiro. He reached his own hell. But he's not the type who runs from his feelings, so (unlike Yashiro) he lived it through and conquered it. That's why now he's the one in control. He's also hurt, and his own painful realization (to which he came on the roof with Nanahara four years ago) influences his behavior. He blames the loss of control over his feelings on himself, so now he seems determined not to lose control. His jealousy is getting through, but I have to admit I underestimated him. His cold demeanor probably helped Yashiro unleash his fantasies, but I can see Yashiro becoming increasingly frustrated over his own loss of control. Current power dynamics will become unbearable for him at one point. One thing is certain though - they will both want to protect each other's life at any cost (and I predict at least one of them will be in immediate danger). That urge should reveal their feelings.
I'm not gonna pretend like I have high hopes for a happy ending. Both of them lack initiative to seek professional help they need (especially Yashiro: his extreme self-sufficiency, lack of ability to give that much of control to anyone, makes it pretty unlikely he would seek therapy) and they are not at the point of development that would make me believe they could make it on their own. They also both seem to be stuck in a dangerous, unstable environment. But after introducing the time skip, I became pretty convinced that YK is looking for a way to actualize their love. I don't know whether they'll survive or not, I don't know if they'll ever have the capacity to maintain a healthy long-term relationship, but one thing I believe in: they'll embrace their love before this story ends, fully embrace. So I don't think manga will be over before love confession and at least one non-dubcon sex. I believe we'll have our moment of happiness, even if YK crushes our hearts afterwards.
This is really interesting, but also really heartbreaking and concerning.
It seems like Yashiro’s had a breakthrough, in coming to understand that what happened to him as a child was completely out of his control, and that his response to that, his way of dealing with it, was to embrace it and convince himself it was something he’s always wanted, and even caused. But now he realizes he doesn’t want it, he doesn’t enjoy it any more, and realizes he never, truly has. When he says “I had understood that, somewhere. If I hadn’t come to know it, I didn’t have to lose it.”, though, is the part that’s concerning. He acknowledges and understands now that being abused during sex isn’t something he enjoys, that it’s a product of his having been raped as a child, that that experience from his childhood has continued to negatively impact and largely dictate his entire adult life. And it’s good that he understands that. But, at the same time, with that understanding, with that consciousness, he’s lost, and he’s aware that he’s lost, his one coping mechanism, the one thing he had that helped him deal with and manage the pain and trauma and destruction of the abuse he suffered. Without it, without that one thing to cling to, it seems like Yashiro is truly adrift now, lost and deeply depressed and hopeless. He says “Truly, nothing... nothing has really mattered to me any longer... And I couldn’t cope with anything, any more...” The one consolation in an otherwise empty and lonely existence for Yashiro was his desire for sex. As unhealthy as it was, it was the one thing he took pleasure in, the one thing he held on to which gave him any, real desire to live, or anything to look forward to. But whatever pleasure and comfort he once derived from that is now gone too, and so... he has nothing. Only the realization of his own victimhood and, as he thinks, the “ludicrous and laughable story” of his life. There’s no buffer any more between him and what happened to him, there’s no narrative where he can pretend that he had a choice in the matter, that he had some agency or control. Just the ugly, awful truth, that he was a victim, and continued to be victimized throughout his life because what he experienced as a child robbed him of the tools necessary to live a normal, dignified life.
I think Yashiro is maybe at the most fragile and vulnerable we’ve ever seen him here. He’s teetering on a very dangerous precipice.
What’s happening here is, I think, incredibly realistic, and shows such an immense amount of sensitivity and compassion toward people who are living with deep trauma, and the difficulty they face every moment of every day, in coping with that trauma. There are no easy solutions, there’s no quick fix, there’s no miracle cure. Yashiro is deeply damaged, and the pain of what happened to him is something he can never, fully escape. The one buffer he had to help him deal with that pain, to manage and live with it, is gone, and so now, he’s being consumed by it. Drowning in it.
It’s going to be interesting to see what Doumeki does, because the ball is in his court, I think. He has the potential to help Yashiro, but he also has the potential to make things even worse for him. If he continues to act apathetic and uninterested in Yashiro, continues to affect a cold and distanced demeanor, I think it’s going to have devastating consequences. Yashiro feels utterly alone now, I think, trapped with the reality of the tragedy of his life, and nothing else. He’s feeling hopeless, truly hopeless. Like he has nothing to live for, any more. Doumeki has seemingly become the one thing Yashiro feared most of all, the one thing he tried so desperately to prevent him from becoming, a full blown Yakuza, a once sweet and caring man who’s lost all compassion and kindness. Yashiro is surely going to blame himself and his own perceived wrongness for that. He’s going to see it as only further evidence of his own worthlessness, and Doumeki’s coldness as proof of his own unlovability.
Yashiro isn’t okay. He’s really, really not. This chapter has shown that, without doubt, he continues to struggle immensely, every day, with his trauma and any sense of self-worth. Doumeki is trying to force Yashiro into admitting his feelings for him, but clearly, from what we’ve seen, even if Yashiro is able to admit those feelings, that isn’t in itself going to save him from the deep shame, self-hatred and hopelessness Yashiro now feels. That isn’t going to suddenly make Yashiro see himself as worthy of love, or worthy of kindness. He hates himself, and him becoming fully conscious, at last, of his own victimhood and the falsity of the narrative he’s clung to his whole life isn’t going to help that. If anything, at the moment, it’s made his self-loathing worse. It seems like he sees himself as pathetic now, on top of every other negative belief he holds about himself. Doumeki is going to have to be very careful going forward, I think, and above all, he’s going to have to drop this act he’s putting on, or the consequences could be devastating.
If the spoilers about Doumeki actually having a woman are true too, the implications of that are also really interesting, and also really concerning. If Doumeki’s actually taken a woman, does it mean the act he’s putting on with Yashiro isn’t fully an act? Has he actually lost some of the sweetness and kindness which previously defined him? That would be... bad. I’m still inclined to believe Doumeki is just acting this way, and he’s still the same man he was before. But if he is, he’s going to have to recognize the fragility in Yashiro now, and realize that trying to force him into action, trying to force him to get “better” isn’t going to work, and indeed has the potential to destroy him completely. The best thing Doumeki can do is just support Yashiro, be there for him, show him how much he loves him, and still thinks he’s a beautiful, good and worthwhile person. Yashiro’s made an effort to understand himself and what he’s feeling, he’s fully acknowledged the lie of his coping mechanism, the lie that he wants and enjoys and is responsible for the abuse he’s suffered. It’s Doumeki’s turn to make a move. Yashiro is lying in pieces now, and Doumeki has a chance to either hold those pieces together, or shatter them even more.
Dammit, this post made me cry. The emotion, the vulnerability of it... I'm struggling to keep my own defenses in check, I guess. Feelings are irrational; I expected to see inevitable destruction of Yashiro's self-image, but I guess I can't fully prepare and protect from the pain in advance.
EDIT: I initially wrote my response to your observations here, but it became so long and bulky, I've put the rest of the text in a new post. :)
Thank you so much. Yes, you answered all my questions, in great detail and depth. Emphasizing the nuance of the Japanese language and offering multiple possible meanings was especially helpful. It makes sense that the author used vague language on purpose. Also, Yashiro has always been an extremely unreliable narrator, so he might not be aware of the cause himself. Narratively, thematically, psychologically - it would make more sense that his incapability to feel pleasure during sex with other men (especially violent sex, which he was probably seeking) is directly linked to his experience with Doumeki. He's had misconceptions about himself before, but it would honestly surprise me if he doesn't make this connection eventually.
Yes, he knew making love to Doumeki was dangerous ( "don't break me"). I don't know if he could predict his impotence or the depth of his heartbreak, but he definitely felt overwhelming dread and inevitable loss. He revealed in chapter 23 that he was afraid how deepening relationship with Doumeki would eventually make it impossible for him to lose Doumeki. And I think he was right. He cornered himself by falling in love. Even if he tried to embrace love back then, it would have still destroyed him; I think it would have likely turned into dysfunctional codependent relationship. Yashiro wasn't prepared for love, he wasn't capable of processing anything that was happening to him back then - not his feelings, not Doumeki's affection, not his own newfound pleasure experienced through non-violent sex. His requited love was in contradiction with every lie his child-self created in order to survive. He rationalized his actions with the desire to protect Doumeki from Yakuza, but I have always thought he felt resistance on a fundamental level - it was deep, existential fear that made him wish to abandon Doumeki. Personally, I don't believe he planned to live that long to see the consequences of their intimacy and heartbreak anyway, I think he meant to die facing Hirata. So pushing Doumeki away (after they both survived) was necessary. He needed these four years to process everything, they both did. Even though they've caused a lot of pain to each other, I think their love has better odds now. Of course Doumeki loves him, but they still have a long way before their love can be shared in a healthy way. Ideally, they will find a way to get out of yakuza and go to therapy, but I don't dare to hope that much. :)
Thanks again. Your translations really help. I've read all chapters you published on your site during my reread of the manga, and it cleared a lot of dilemma. I'm glad we shared impressions and interpretations. And please, stop apologizing to me. :) I've just started posting here, I don't even know how to make posts appear in search tags, so I'm way more lost in being on tumblr than you are. :D
Thank you so much for your translations, your work is really appreciated. <3
I'm sorry, I don't use instagram for Saezuru purposes at this moment, so I'll ask here. If it's inconvenient for you to answer here, I'll completely understand. :)
Does Yashiro specify when he stopped feeling pleasure during sex with men, or is explanation inside brackets your own interpretation? Or his (maybe inaccurate) interpretation? Does Yashiro really think the reason he became incapable of feeling pleasure was because he was raped by Inami?
I was so sure the transformative event was his pre-timeskip sex with Doumeki. Not Inami, or anyone else. Yashiro knew how to handle monsters like Inami, he was handling them for decades. He created an elaborate defense mechanism for the sole purpose of surviving them. He accepted violence as part of his reality and learned how to function accordingly. His sexuality, his core personality developed in a way so he could survive an abusive environment. But Doumeki and his gentle love - that was something he wasn't prepared for, something he didn't know how to handle. If Inami being the cause of his impotence/anorgasmia was true, it would change everything for my head canon.
The second part... His realization of why he needed to lose Doumeki, hits me really hard. I knew it was coming, and I thought I was prepared for it, but I wasn't. I hope four years were enough to at least give those two a chance. There is no going back for Yashiro, his house of cards crumbled, he doesn't believe his lies anymore. Throwing Doumeki out of his life can't protect him this time.
New chapter sounds like it offers a logical and consistent development, I'm not disappointed at all
I'm new to this fandom, although not quite new to the manga itself. In the past few months, I'd read it a couple of times. But this is the first time I got to wait for the new chapter release, the first time I had to seek spoilers, and the first time I faced fandom response in real time, as new information keeps coming.
SPOILER WARNING
I'm honestly surprised by the reaction of the fans. It made me feel like we're not reading the same piece of work. Because I'm not disappointed, not even hurt (yet) - this kind of development is exactly something I expect at this point of the story. To be completely honest, I expect worse. Much worse. One of my own predictions is, not only Yashiro having sex with someone other than Doumeki, but him setting the scene especially for Doumeki to see. Yes, I think Yashiro would totally do something like that down the road, in a desperate attempt to gain back control. His way of embracing love is going to be long and messy, because there really is no other way for him. People fantasize about these two having a mature conversation about how they really feel and then enter a healthy loving relationship - but I don't torture myself like that. :D Was Saezuru ever a fan service? I don't think so. It's a dark story, with dark characters, in a dark environment. There will be more angst, pain, heartbreak, loss and death before it ends. And Yashiro will certainly not lose the battle against his heart easily.
The first time Yashiro opened up about his feelings, it was during a dissociative episode (in a bathroom scene in Doumeki's apartment). I expect something like that to happen again. Circumstances may be different. Something has to trigger Yashiro to drop his defenses, like the last time. My prediction is that it will happen when he gets drunk (alcohol seems like a perfect underused tool to mess up his inhibitions). That is also the only way I see him making the first move. Doumeki, on the other hand, is playing smart for now. The pain he is causing Yashiro by being cold and distant, is a safe kind of pain (for Yashiro at least), the type that won't make him run away. Although, it is highly unlikely Yashiro will run now when he knows Doumeki is in danger. He would want to find a way to address that problem, and I'm dying to see his manipulative self taking control and shining again.
I knew Yashiro would face some sort of sexual dysfunction after his pre-timeskip sex with Doumeki. We have to remember: that sex retraumatized him, and in Saezuru - sexual trauma has consequences. Chapter 46 practically confirmed he was struggling with anorgasmia (even Doumeki surprisingly asked Yashiro if he was pent up). But the first hint, I think, was when he was masturbating in chapter 44. He was so aroused, but he couldn't finish. Doumeki would probably find this fact (that he's the only one who can please Yashiro at this moment) very romantic, he would want to embrace him, but I can see Yashiro angrily screaming at him "Idiot, you broke me!" I hope we get some flashbacks from the last four years, showing Yashiro's struggle to enjoy violent sex again. And I wish I could find more spoilers about his sex with Inami, containing translations paired with the pictures. What I found very encouraging is one fan's translation where Yashiro referred to his first sex with Inami as rape. Pre-timeskip Yashiro would never admit that to himself, so he clearly made some huge progress. He doesn't look like he's even pretending to be enjoying the sex. Those are baby steps for fans getting new chapters every 2-4 months only to see more pain and struggle, but realistically, Yashiro's progress can't be rushed. It was a smart decision from Yoneda Kou to give the characters four years to process their feelings and evolve. It means she doesn't intend to drag this story forever, so we'll get conclusion soon enough.
