:p

[red-garden]

“Do dishes” and “take out trash” both require the use of a spell slot, vs “use phone” is a cantrip, and brother, I am a level one wizard

[plague-vulture]

washing dishes is evil because you go "oh fuck there's so many dishes this is gonna take foreverrr" and then you enter the dish abyss and emerge with your abdomen somehow covered in water and your hands all wrinky and then you look at the clock and what felt like half an hour was actually 10 minutes

[ceruleanheaven]

i am always one wrong word away from being shot by all the people who find me tolerable

[translatingpoststogerman]

himmelblauerhimmel

ich bin immer ein falsches wort davon entfernt von all den leuten erschossen zu werden die mich erträglich finden

Notes:

In German, when someone is being shot, you have to specify whether they were merely wounded ("angeschossen") or shot to death ("erschossen").

[anonymousalchemistz]

I do like that given the opportunity to specify, you did choose to kill op

[translatingpoststogerman]

I assumed that's what op intended

[adhd-vibes]

does anyone want to tell me what to do with my life? looking for puppeteers

[adhd-vibes]

my benevolent puppeteers

[punkitt-is-here]

quirky fourth wall breaking character but theyre just fucking. wrong about the medium theyre in. they keep making references to cinematic techniques and directorial styles and the other fourth wall breaking character is like "dumbass we're in a fucking comic book" and they are in a video game.

[totally-cis-offical]

Well currently they’re in a tumblr post but I see your point

[moon-of-curses]

we're actually in a youtube video if this turns out to be funny enough

[your-local-genderfluid-sapphic]

you guys say it like it wont get on Pinterest in a few days at most

[the-haiku-bot]

you guys say it like

it wont get on Pinterest in

a few days at most

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[aqwult]

[argumate]

I don't see what the-- oh gosh

[certified-door-posts]

certified door post

[ostensible-adult]

@ominous-signs I feel like this sign would be more accurate if it said "AREA WILL BE KEPT CLEAR"

[ominous-signs]

Official ominous sign

[teaboot]

TRIED TO COME UP WITH AN ON-THE-SPOT ANALOGY FOR BEING ASEXUAL AND THE FIRST THING MY BRAIN SHAT OUT WAS "IT'S LIKE A WAFFLE MAKER"

[teaboot]

Ways that sex is like a waffle maker:

1. Lots of people have one but you don't really think about it until they start talking about making waffles and you're like "oh shit they have a waffle maker"

2. Messy as fuck and you know what as far as I see it why even bother when you have pancakes, you don't need to bother with all those fluids and crevices with pancakes

3. WHY DOES EVERYONE AT THE WEDDING THINK YOU NEED ONE

4. Theoretically implied fun with whipped cream until it melts and starts soaking into shit

5. If you don't prep ur surfaces ur gonna have a bad time

6. It's fun in the kitchen but only on like special occasions cause again it's a pain in the ass to clean

7. ??? I prefer crêpes tbh I don't get it

[teaboot]

Looking forwards to celebrating the 6th birthday of the post I made to describe a stance I was assured I'd grow out of by 13

[mimosa-sexypeople-contests-2026]

Thanks @lostinthewrongfandom

[jessieisaninja]

It has come to my attention that this little dinosaur guy doesn't have an official name (or at least I couldn't find one). I think it is our duty to name him.

What should his name be?

Kevin

Larry

Bob

Arnold

Meep

Splorp

Squimbus

Fernando

Pixelatus Rex (Rex for short)

Internetless Bastard

Other (comment suggestions)

Remaining time: 6 days 12 hours

[seerofmike]

too lazy to retype this but . insane interaction w coworker last night

[seerofmike]

tell me you have never worked in customer service without telling me you've never worked in customer service

[44prop]

one normal day in british politics that’s all i ask for . will never happen

[duckdotcom]

would you put a discarded fruit sticker on my forehead in whimsical jest yes or no

[finleycannotdraw]

reblog to put a discarded fruit sticker on the forehead of the person you reblogged from in whimsical jest

[vulcartist]

I translated the Ea-Nasir complaint into vulcan and engraved it in on a cooper plate

[tournevis-real]

The tumblrest sentence I have ever seen

[imflyingfish]

"Hello! I'm here to die for Earth! Pretty awesome, yes?!"

I literally love Ilyukhina. It makes me sad to imagine that she and Rocky would have been friends

[cadaverkeys]

genuinely one of my favourite details about Bram Stokers Dracula that isn't really transferred to the pop culture is that vampires have irridescent eyes, they appear brown at a glance, however when light is reflected on them they seem to go red!

[cadaverkeys]

another thing that pop culture latched onto is this idea that you might use a wreath of garlic bulbs to ward off a vampire, however, in the book there is a popular use of garlic blossoms rather than the bulbs. i think these are a lot prettier and way more versatile for stylisation! you could have a garlic flower crown.

[cadaverkeys]

also like the cowboy part can we please stop omitting the fact that there is a real ass cowboy in Bram Stokers Dracula and hes from real ass Texas and he has a fucking gun and he tries to fucking shoot Dracula

[junewild]

i think the scientology speedrunners should start visiting the hospital mitch mcconnell is supposed to be in. i think it would be enriching for them

[scavengedluxury]

[scavengedluxury]