I think - in my case - the most frustrating aspect of depression is that you have it despite other stuff happening in your life.
When something shitty is happening (like losing someone or being sick etc) itās easy to explain why you feel bad. Depression is ājustifiedā.
But youāre not stop being depressed just because in this moment there is nothing traumatic going on in your life. You can have loving partner and have depression. You can do things you love and have depression. You can be more or less healthy (your body) AND feel like shit because of depression.
And this is so frustrating. Because deep inside you believe like you shouldnāt feel like that. You should cherish your partner, your hobbies, your health. But when depression clouds your judgment, you just donāt know how to. For me depression is likeā¦ covering your windows with drapes. It physically stops you from seeing the outside world, the sunlight, clear sky. When itās clouded or dark outside anyway, the difference is not as dramatic. But when you know that there is sunlight outside, and youāre missing on it, it makes you feel 10 times worse.
I just want to feel better, but the more Iām trying, the more Iām pushing it, the worse I actually feel. And it makes me so tired. Iām very tired, like to my core, of trying to feel better. But the perspective of losing another days/weeks/months to depression again is even more tiring.
Thatās why I am keeping myself alive every day, and keep trying everyday, even when I donāt see clearly the point.
But I choose to believe it is somewhere, the point, the meaning. Itās just I canāt see it right now.
Finally, I can show you my latest work, written for the Sonadow Exchange 2026. Itās called āUntil The Flowers Bloomā šæšø and itās a gift made for @rhidrawsstuff š I hope youāre going to enjoy it when youāll be able to read it š I did my best to combine most of your wishes, adding a little details I thought you might like, I wonder if youāre going to notice them š«¶
It was challenging but also very satisfying and even relaxing to write something like that. It couldnāt be more different than āSedatedā but itās still my work so I believe you can still find some recurring themes typical for me here. Also itās a fluff but - as mentioned before - I wouldnāt be myself if I didnāt add some bitterness to all that sweetness š»šŖ»
Thank you @sonadowexch for organising the whole thing, you are the best admins and thank you for giving your time to use and preparing such amazing event šš¤
The story is fully published now and you can find it under the link below š
A gift I received as a part of @sonadowexch š¤š Itās so cute and comfy to look at!! I love when our boys are vulnerable with each other and whatās more vulnerable than sleeping in the arms of your significant other?
Thank you so much for this beautiful artwork š„ŗā¤ļø
I donāt have any art for Sonicās birthday but I just wanted to share a thought.
Iām just genuinely so happy to have Sonic in my life. Itās so weird cause 1 and half year ago Sonic was just one of my repressed childhood memories- but I canāt express how much it meant for my 6-years old self. Sonic was one of many things I needed to left behind while being forced to grow up to soon. Now, as I reconnected with him, Iām closer than ever to than 6-years old person. I find so much in him, he gives me joy, gives me peace, gives me the way to process my darkest feelings.
I never created as much in my life before. I didnāt write anything for years. I left behind so many hobbies like gaming or learning Japanese or drawing - and I came back to all of these, because of Sonic. Not to mention all of the beautiful people I got to know because of being a part of this fandom.
I know for most of us Sonic is way more than a hobby. Despite all of the franchises (or Segaās) problems, I deeply love Sonic - all of his versions - and the freedom he represents.
Happy birthday Blue boy š thank you for changing my life
creators will be revealed on JUNE 28. this post-chain will be updated from now until JUNE 22 when new works are added to the collection. show all the participants some love! š
I was pushing really hard to finish my fic but I feel like it was really worth it. I canāt wait until Iāll be able to tell you which one is gonna be mine~
Or maybe someone will guess correctly who knows knows.
I know this isn't an ask but I wanted to give Fan Art to your amazing Fanfiction. I found out about it one day through a fan art (around this time I was JUST getting back into Sonic) and I was confused why Shadow was referring to Sonic as "Spark" so I clicked the link to the fic and saw it was tagged with "Mind Control/Hypnotism" and embarrassingly it's a guilty pleasure of mine TTvTT so I was like "Well, there's barely much Mind Control Fics of Sonic so perhaps I'll give this a read" and I have not stopped reading it since. Even when I reached the ending. I kept coming back to read it. The angst, Infinite being a possessive arse XD, Shadow struggling to help Sonic/Spark, Spark being so precious TTmTT, I could say so much more about how much I like re-reading this fic but I don't want this to get too long and just blab too much.
I especially like reading it when I'm out with fam and am by myself with nothing to do. Haha TvT (Or when I'm down)
Anyways. Here is fan art. I'm still just coming back into Sonic so I'm too shy and worried to openly post this and tag ya bcuz I worry about being judged.
I hope it's ok to draw the dark scenes too. Did my best to visualize Chapter 6 and put it into drawing.
Feel free to ignore this if ya wanna. I'm sorry if I sound dumb and too gushy about the fic. aaaa
I posted a little something from āSedatedā au.
Not a proper continuation, just a one shot I wrote through my depressive episode, trying to let go of some difficult feelings and turn my pain into art.
Iād say itās more suggestive than Sedated was so mind the tag and remember itās mature rating for a reason ā¼ļø
tw: hypnotism, non-con, PTSD
Link below~
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
I genuinely started to wonder how my days looked like about year 2013/14.
(The essay under)
Yes, I was in high school back then. A lot of traumas and the adulthood in general were ahead of me. But I was pretty busy with studying (I studied a lot). Iām trying to remember how it was before - obviously - Tik tok, or even the conception of reels (except for the vine but anyone from those years can tell how different the vine was); before Snapchat and in my case even before I had instagram. What was I doing when I was bored?
I probably scrolled tumblr (it was much funnier back then), I also watched a lot of YouTube. But still I canāt believe i did it as frequently and mindlessly as I watch reels rn. And also the length of videos were significantly longer. I feel like I really enjoyed watching them, I could focus on the whole piece or kept coming back to rewatch them.
But it wasnāt all I did. I was reading A LOT. Both fanfictions and books. There was a time when I rather took a book with me to the bathroom instead of my phone.
Most of the time I wasnāt even able to buy books so I borrowed them from library. It always made me so happy when I was able to lay my hands on the book I waited so long in the queue. I also often borrowed books or mangas from my friends. We read the same so we could after talk about it.
I also watched more tv series or movies, even when I had to become Jack Sparrow to get them. I felt so rewarded when I was able to find a movie in good quality and show it proudly to my family.
I played The Sims a lot (I didnāt have much more games than that). Now i get bored after the loading screen.
Even my phone was different back then. I used it to play old android games, those pixel-like, without ads. I remember how creative I felt imagining in my head full movie about what I saw in the form of pixels.
I also had my separate mp4 player where I hoarded my downloaded edits and amvs. I would watch them on repeat, cause I didnāt have access to internet all the time. Same with music, just kept re-listening to what I already had there.
The internet were in the computer, in my laptop. I had to open it to get there, to open tumblr, to open YouTube.
I had so much less then but I did so much more.
Now I have easy access to everything but I barely want to do anything.
And yeah, I barely forgot - I was writing SO MUCH. I kept my big ass a4 notebook where I was writing my first book. Then I carried around little family laptop that was kindly given to me when my dad got better one for himself. I took this super slow netbook everywhere where I could and just. Kept. Writing.
Of course I procrastinated too. I had undiagnosed depression since I was like 13. So I struggled anyway. Maybe itās the nostalgia speaking. But I also remember how I was dealing with my depression, and it wasnāt through watching reels mindlessly. I was actually trying to process through consuming and creating.
Iām still trying to live like that today but it feels so much harder.
I donāt really know if this post has a conclusion. I just want that feeling back - the feeling of morning with book instead dommscrolling. Or evening with playing the sims instead of rotting on tik tok.
Sorry for that long ass post but I just needed to get it off of my chest. And maybe you also feel the same and can tell me how do you deal with that.
A little update because depression took over me today and I try to trick myself into believing there are maybe people here who are interested in my work (therefore I canāt kms or anything like that lol)
So, not to brag or something but Iām super busy lately (when Iām not too depressed to do so) writing a collab with this other super cool writer/artist. Iām having so much fun. I was kinda stuck with my writing lately but this really helped me get in my creative mood. Also I almost forgot how much fun I have from writing with someone~ didnāt do it for ages. (Also itās gonna be NSFWš)
Iām also still brainstorming plot for my Sonadow exchange. I always work the best closer to the deadline so Iām not super worry with passing time, as I have a decent idea to execute. Itās gonna be fluff so something you didnāt see yet from me~
Aaaaand Iām still trying to start working more evenly on Gladiator AU.
I think some kind of work schedule would do fine in my case. Itās a lot of writing ahead of me but, lately I feel like I need some kind of goal, structure and routine to keep my mind focused and my mental health in tact. I also need to move more again lol (unfortunately doing some sports really does help!)
I hope you all take care of yourself and have a wonderful weekend.
The beautiful thing as you get older is that you realize so many ārulesā are made up and you can just do whatever. Posters can go anywhere in the house not just my room. I can sit down while cooking a meal or taking a shower. I can make the same thing for breakfast lunch dinner for a week straight. I can roam around the house shirtless. I can wear a dress with jeans. The world is my oyster key word my and I can live as I please embracing little things such as this
This hit especially hard for a person raised in very religious household. Literally so many made up rules embedded so deeply in you and you realise this only when youāre adult.
Shshshdjdjdj guys I just got my assignment for Sonadow Exchange 2026 and it couldnāt be more perfect. I love all of the prompts/ideas. I canāt wait to start working on that piece!!
Sonic died thirty years ago, but Shadow still feels the pain š¦
When I saw this Frieren trend on TikTok, I immediately thought of Shadow and how torturous it would be for him to live decades without Sonic, knowing that he would never find another like him and that the sky will always be infinitely blue
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The need to write a collage/uni au with Sonic being in abusive situationship with Infinite who tends to beat him ābecause of his attitudeā (especially during the fights), perfectly aware that Sonic would come back to him the next day pretending like it was nothing. Cause deep down Sonic too believes that itās nothing.
