Currently Venting @might-beach - Tumblr Blog

Well, what if I really objectively don't have value? I might be a dime a dozen. Nothing special. I guess it would make sense. I can't just tell myself that I do when the evidence says otherwise. Maybe it's my own ego saying that I have something worthwhile to give. Maybe I should work on myself to be more interesting and have more value. I never tell people these feelings tbh. I feel like I don't have any value. I feel very dull and uninteresting. I don't feel like I would be worth someone trying hard for me in any capacity, that my feelings wouldn't even be considered in any action they make because why would they be thinking of me at all. That I don't believe anyone thinks about me and wouldn't remember details about me just because it would make me happy. Wouldn't care to know what I'm thinking or my quirks, or anything. I've never been enough for anyone to fight or stay for.

I feel like a shadow. There against the wall, out of sight, forgotten. Silent and inattentionally erased. Sometimes my world feels so bright when someone notices me, just by myself. I stop being a shadow and the light that other people shine on me makes me feel like a fully 3d thing again. This is such a familiar feeling. Never fitting in never seeming worth the effort of anything from anyone. I was bullied, just a little, friendly just a little, loved, just a little. Never anything grand or important or stuck in anyone's mind in any capacity at all. It's not like I wanted fame or infamy. I just want to be important to a few people. Someone's best friend. Someone somebody can be close with. I feel so forgettable and mediocre. And the people I do attract end up hurting me and then moving on so quickly after I cut them off. It makes me sick a little. I mean, if I cut it off should I have any right to grieve them moving on so quickly? Maybe I wanted someone to fight for me and make me feel like something special they didn't want to lose. Maybe this feeling comes from losing so many special people in my life and feeling like that feeling was unrequited. Imagine thinking so highly of someone who doesn't really know you. I'm so parasocial with regular people who I wish I could be friends with. I don't know how to make friends, I know how to be a good friend. I promise I have value. I promise I have value. I promise I have value. I promise I have value. I promise I promise I promise.

It's so hard for me to form attraction on a dating app and very painful when I do and it leads nowhere, a bit pathetic to grieve not getting a match, dopamine hits tied to an animation on my phone screen. I know these things are designed to keep you on the app, keep you desperate and lonely, sad. Maybe it's the same for others. I keep getting shown cheugy fools who just want a quick fuck. Imagine typing 1000 characters of a long winded bio and then just wanting a hookup. I don't understand people just wanting that, I could never understand. Maybe there is something of a hopeless romantic still inside me. As soon as I went out by myself I caught the attention of people who liked me. I'm tempted to do it again. When did I get so greedy? Actually I don't think it's greed. I think I'm even more lonely now. My partner has a partner and I do not. I sit here alone while they play. I don't have any animosity for them. Maybe a little distrust about their partners behavior. I tend to think people are constantly playing at something. Playing playing. Something I never knew how to do. Maybe I'm dull and not very fun. Prone to being quiet and not quite enough. Not quiet enough. Not anything enough to be interesting. Not even trans enough to be interesting. Sometimes I feel every choice I make makes me duller and duller. Even this diary was just a silly fantasy that someone might be reading.

I swear I have value

I've lost my trust in you.

Leave me

might-beach

Heart-Cease

Some nights I feel Too much for my days Others grow younger While I’m estranged Washed out with the tide And thoughts vague, wide Day breaks without a chance Of any happy happenstance

Warm and cold Nice is ice But numb is old Better sleep then close my eyes Better sleep then seize and size

Terrorize The monsters inside my head Chase them back under my bed And there I’ll rest done not dead So I can say I’m on top of my problems They are under control But the truth is I am being held up Suspended Because red is to roses As perfect is to ended

it hurts

You're not real