Transman's Blog

41 year old transguy from eastern Canada. Husband, step-dad, francophone. I love learning new things. I created this blog as a way to share my gender experience. Enjoy and feel free to drop me a message or ask a question.

[mikael-nc]

Hi! :) im so sorry if this is rude just curious/wanting to learn :) i was wondering, when you transition, do you identify with the physical aspects of your gender or like the societal aspect? (i'm not wording this right but) for example someone afab transitioning to male, would they 'want' to be male as in the like (for lack of a better word) illusion society has made of it (like blue, very masculine, trucks, that kind of stuff) or would they 'want' to be male as in the physical aspects (muscles, facial hair, that kind of stuff) sorry if this is rude i was just wondering! ty <3

Hi there, that's a great question.

I think it's different for everyone but for me, it was a bit of both and then some others. There were multiple aspects to transitioning for me; physical, emotional, social, psychological. I mostly felt like how I saw myself and my body didn't fit how I felt about myself. I also felt like how people saw me didn't fit how I felt so I didn't feel truly seen. When I started taking hormones and my body started to change I could feel those things aligning and I didn't feel so strange to myself anymore.

I also felt more right emotionally. Testosterone changed my emotional landscape in a way that felt good.

I've never been someone who's been into "traditional male" things like trucks, sports, etc. I don't see those as inherently masculine but we live in a society where most people still do. Either way, my need to transition wasn't linked to feeling like I didn't belong in male dominated spaces.

Hope that helps!

[mikael-nc]

Hi everyone, just wanted to let you all know that someone has stolen some of my pictures to use as their own on Trace and possibly other places. I do not know this person and I certainly do not support this unauthorized use of my photos. I've contacted Trace support to let them know. Please let me know if you notice this somewhere else.

[mikael-nc]

Have you had bottom surgery yet? If not, is that something you are wanting to do?

Hi there, I haven't had bottom surgery. At this point in my life, I can't tell you whether or not I will. I have all the referrals and paper work done and even had a consult with the surgeon but I'm feeling stuck.

There are a couple reasons why I'm putting off making a decision. One is that I'm allowing space for myself to really figure things out sexually. For a long time, my sex life consisted of what I thought I should want or what my partner wanted of me and it's left me feeling like I truly don't know what I want. The second reason is that my cancer diagnosis after my hysterectomy left me as risk for reoccurance in the tissue that I have left. I was aiming for a meta with urethral lengthening so at this point, I want to allow time to make sure the cancer doesn't come back before deciding whether to use that tissue for reconstruction purposes or not. I feel like that is messing with my sense of what I need.

[mikael-nc]

This is a tough post to make but I think its really important for me to share.

I'm fine now but I was diagnosed with stage 1 endometrial cancer following my hysterectomy last year. My oncologist suspects that me being on T for a long time (over 6 years) could be the cause since there weren't any others like genetics or PCOS. I was very lucky because the tumor was small and hadn't gotten into muscle tissue. Another trans guy in my area wasn't as lucky and theirs was much more advanced by the time it was discovered.

She recommends that you talk to your doctor if you're having abnormal bleeding and have been on T for more than 5 years. I did have some strange bleeding but otherwise felt fine. She's also very keen on studying this so if anyone else is in a similar situation and you are willing, she'd love to talk to you. DM me if you're interested.

I know that it's hard to take care of our bodies when it comes to this stuff. Please do what you need to get yourself looked at sooner than later. It might make a big difference ❤

[mikael-nc]

I think I am trans and I just want some friends to talk to

Hey there, I'd be up for chatting with you sometimes. I also found some Facebook groups and other spaces where I met other trans folks that I could talk to. Might be something you can try, if you haven't already :)

[mikael-nc]

5 days post-hysto! So far, my recovery has not been what I expected. Most of my pain and discomfort came from the gas they pumped into my body cavity (the procedure was laproscopic). It's finally almost all gone now but it was very uncomfortable for the first two days and nights.

I also struggled with the pain medication being hard on my stomach. I have a sensitive digestive system anyways, and I tried to balance the pain vs taking more meds. I'm only taking Tylenol since yesterday and that's been a big help.

I did not have much bleeding for which I'm very grateful! It stopped after one day. My incisions are quite small and the least of my concerns. They put some sort of liquid band-aid on them and they're seemingly waterproof so that's been nice.

Other than that, it's mostly trying to navigate the huge shift in my homelife. My wife has had to take on a lot of what I'd normally do around the house which has been emotionally difficult for both of us. We're doing a great job of communicating about it though so that's been good.

I know this is already a long post! For those of you who are still reading, feel free to send me a question or message over the next few weeks. I'm going to be off work and have lots of time of my hands!

[mikael-nc]

Two days ago, I got my hysterectomy done! I took this picture yesterday right before taking my first post-op shower.

The surgery itself went really well and I came home a few hours after waking up. So far recovery has been a bit rough but I'm feeling better by the hour. Hard to say how this will affect me as my body adjusts to the changes. I'll try to post an update in a few months to talk about that.

(6 1/2 years on T and post chest surgery)

[mikael-nc]

2 weeks post op and 6 weeks on T vs 6.5 years.

It's hard to believe that it's been over 6 years since I started my physical transition. I am so fortunate to be happy and living my best life (pandemic excluded).

[mikael-nc]

Bottom Dysphoria - A Series

I recognize that I have spoken very little about my relationship about the "bottom" portion of my body in the past. I feel like it's time for me to open up about this for two reasons.

- Sharing helps me process how I'm feeling.

- There isn't very much information that I've been able to find on the subject so I want to add my voice.

I generally try to stick to short posts so I've decided to create a separate Tumblr to include the bulk of the details. I'll probably still have some content here, on my main blog.

Click here for the new blog

@mybottomdysphoria-aseries

[mikael-nc]

Hey I’m not really sure where to go with this question so I thought I would ask some people via tumblr- My youngest sister just asked me what I thought if she would start binding her chest, she didn’t mention transitioning but it seems like something most girls transitioning would go through. I’ve heard of a lot of negative side effects hurting people from binding, do you maybe have some alternative suggestions that won’t be harmful to their body? Sorry if this is weird for you, ty for your time

How to bind your chest safely and healthily

There's a lot of misinformation out there about binding, so it's important that if you do bind, that you do it safely.

Hi there, I'm glad you're reaching out with your question. Your sibling is lucky to have you as a support person. The two simplest things to help keep binding safer are not too tight and not for too long (most suggest an 8 hour daily maximum). The other thing is what is used to bind. There are a few ways to do it safely. Here's a link with more info. There are many more like it, some will have specific product suggestions as well.

https://www.minus18.org.au/articles/how-to-bind-your-chest-safely-and-healthily

Binding was not an option for me, my dysphoria and anxiety were too strong and the physical discomfort was much better than not binding at all. There are ways to do it safely, and binding helped me keep some quality of life.

As for what you say to them, I suggest letting them know that you want them to be safe. If you are willing, offer to help them educate themselves on what would work best for them. This may be an indication that they are trans but not necessarily. Either way, having a sibling there that they trust is a huge deal. Do your best to support them without stopping them from experimenting or doing what they feel they need to feel safe and happy. I hope this helps :)

-Mikael

[mikael-nc]

Facial hair update. A few weeks shy of 6 years on T. Definitely a lot fuller than a couple years ago. This is about week and a half since I trimmed down to 3mm. Gradually filling in some of the sparse spots and closing the gap between my mustach and cheeks. I normally wear it like this and enjoy it thoroughly.

[mikael-nc]

Let's talk about emotional health. For the last few years, I've felt a sort of emotional numbness. I assumed that being on testosterone had simply changed how I feel my emotions. While I still think that's true, I recently concluded I also have a lot of emotional pain and trauma that I just repressed as a survival tactic. I realize now that I need to work through all that stuff in order to be truly myself. I've reconnected with my therapist and and committing myself to figuring this stuff out because I deserve it. I deserve to heal from the pain of living most of my life in a body/identity that felt wrong. My wife deserves a husband that's in touch with his feelings and is truly present in our marriage. I deserve to be truly happy.

[mikael-nc]

It's been a while since I've done one of these and I am feeling great today so I figured I'd post this. The picture on the left is me around 6 months on T and post op. The one on the right is 5 years on T and post op. There hasn't been any dramatic changes in the last few years other than a few tattoos. I mostly look my actual age now though which is awesome.

I feel amazing these days. I got married last month, my career is fantastic, and I'm working on finishing my bachelor's degree. Overall, life is really sweet. I'm incredibly lucky and grateful.

[mikael-nc]

This is what 5 years worth of testosterone bottles (300 injections) looks like.

I am honestly tired of having to inject myself every week. I struggle emotionally with getting it started and would avoid it if my fiancee wasn't helping me with my shot.

Even so, I am incredibly grateful that modern medicine allows me the opportunity to physically transition and feel happy in my body. I spent some time going back in my blog today and I was reminded of just how far I've come these last 5 years. I rarely feel dysphoria anymore and when I do, it's not as severe as it was before I started HRT. I no longer feel anxious about talking to strangers for fear of being misgendered. I might be losing my hair but I'm able to grow a pretty good beard now which is satisfying. Overall, I am so much happier and healthier :)

[mikael-nc]

New birth certificate!

It's been five years since I came out and I finally got my birth certificate updated. The province I was born in changed their legislation last year which enabled me to get my gender marker changed without the need to have or prove that I've had "full" gender affirming surgeries. It felt both incredibly significant and anti climactic to finally hold it in my hands and read the proper name and gender marker. Either way, I'm very happy to have it done as I'm getting married in three months and I want our marriage certificate to reflect the real me.

[mikael-nc]

First clean shave in over a year. Feels weird and reminds me just how much I look like my dad.

[mikael-nc]

Facial hair update! I'm now 4 years and 8 months on T. I had just finished cleaning up the scruff before taking these pictures (which is why my neck is red). 3mm guard for my moustache and lower lip and 5mm for the rest.