this is how it is in the bible, i think. god gave them a choice, they chose to follow lucifer, who chose to follow his own star. you know this, remember? you were there.
ironic; the talisman of god's plan. lucifer argues, lucifer leaves. it is called falling, like autumn. their feathers turning gold fire in the atmosphere. is it rebellion if it is following divine order? we say damnation - maybe lucifer would say god chose his favorites.
you know this. it was already written the first time you realized you weren't quite what they had hoped for. what you picked out of your fingers in the summer of your sixteenth year, finding splinters in strange places. the way your father said if you don't like it, you can leave. how the words my house, my rules held up the altar of your roof. you had to worship the rules. be good, do better in school, be perfect. talk only in agreement, in placid, gentle tones. be very, very grateful for what home you have - after all, you're not alone.
you knew no man in the sky. you met god on a band stage. you met god in a back room. the way you felt god was like a shiver, passing grey hands over you. you knew god the way broken people do - a veil, a mesh, a sense of passing-through. god was at the gas pump. god was in a natty lite. horribly true: god was in her throat, and you felt her swallow, and a hole opened up into you. you used to make god in a potion out of mud and sticks and puddle water, and pretend to drink god out of a pink plastic cup. you hear angel harps in her shiver under you.
the bible has so many stories of come-back love. even cain hears a lilt of mercy. you fucking hated the parable of the lost son, felt it forced into the pages to feign forgiveness. you were never given the choice to return. you were never pretty and tidy and carrying a lamb. you, who stood on a rooftop and saw the city under your feet where people were laughing and crying and cheating and lying - you who made the cardinal sin of wanting. just desire. heaven is the land of wanting-for-nothing. and like lucifer, you sinner, you said - but this is not my land, and i want more.
the fucked up thing - you could do it, if you wanted to. you could fold everything back into verse and psalm. into the closet, into the throat of a carrion bird, into the claws of that house that was never-quite warm. you could choose to stay. you could make that crown of thorns and keep yourself sated on your own blood. sometimes you see them remind each other on facebook - that if you really wanted to, you could. you could come back to them and apologize. you could tear her out of you, and every girl like her, and every girl like you. you could come back better, more refined, having finally "understood." after all, they had a plan for you.
what did it feel like, when you fell?
when you were pushed, actually. when the floor under you started trembling. when the trumpets turned to sirens. they told you to be yourself quietly. it meant - still your breathing, turn yourself into ashes before someone smells the smoke and someone finally comes running. you looked at your family and your safety and your life and you said - fuck it. if you'll set this all on fire so i have to leave, at least everyone will know who started the burning.
this is the thing about having a community - it is one thousand eyes. and we see what they did. we are all watching.