WASH AWAY THE PAIN
Photo Credit: Tara McKinney
When I first had the idea to shoot myself as a personal project to heal a broken body image I wasn’t sure what I was expecting or what was going to happen. I know I was/am curious to see if healing can happen from the outside in. Since it’s an internal struggle I’m a bit skeptical. How can you heal from the outside in if you need to heal from the inside out? Seems a little backwards, but something was drawing me to do this. So I did.
.
The day I got my triggers I was super excited to begin my project. What photographer doesn’t love new toys?! Overly anxious, I jumped in front of the camera - no makeup, sick, obviously not prepared. I just chose a window, set my triggers and shot.
Triggers were definitely being fired! I had a moment of freak out when I saw the images. I liked my hair… that’s all I could manage to like. I took a step back. Reminded myself to be gentle this was after all “not about my body” and freaking out won’t help me figure it out any better.
I took some time to calm myself and refocus. I shifted my focus to an ebook I had downloaded from Jessi Kneeland - Body Image Alchemy : Why You’re Still Failing to Love Yourself, and 6 Ways to Level Up. She suggests anytime you’re body triggers a negative reaction there’s always a deeper emotion and story behind it. She advises taking a second to identify what these emotions are by writing 3 of them down. Then pick the one that is the strongest for you. The more you do this the more you will see patterns.
My emotions triggered went something like this…
"He will want someone else. My personality is so strong if I don’t keep my looks up he will leave me for a softer more feminine woman with quieter and calmer personality traits. I’m too much to handle and I need to keep his interest alive."
"I’m not enough just like I am.”
Mind you, my husband has never given me any reason to think this. So where is the story coming from? I’m not sure it matters where it’s coming from more than it matters to change the story I’m telling myself.
Without sharing these emotions with my husband I asked him, “what is one personality trait you love the most about me?”
God this man! He’s always fully supporting me, encouraging me and loving me unconditionally. His love is what I seek for myself, from myself.
So, this all brings me back to what I’m discovering from the images I’m shooting of myself. I am surprisingly finding that yes, body image MIGHT be healed through imagery IF I take the time to identify the triggers of each photo and address the emotions I’m feeling below the surface. The other interesting thing I’m noticing is that I am able to look at myself with far less judgement when I’m creating art with myself. Much like when I shoot anyone else. I am beginning to see what it looks like to look at myself with loving eyes vs. loathing eyes. I know this will take a lot more time to unfold, but I can begin to feel the fog lift.
I have no affiliation with Jessi Kneeland, but if you want to check out her ebook you can sign up on her site for emails and she’ll send you a link to it. https://jessikneeland.com/