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Three Times the Centaurs Suffered + One Time Shane Joins Them (1/?)
Alright, I suppose I've procrastinated on this enough. Here's the first part: the Centaurs have made a mistake, and now Ilya's suffering for it.
I hope that you guys enjoy this first part while I figure out how to write the next part in the meantime.
I did not edit this, and I know absolutely nothing about Hockey so feel free to let me know if there are any major errors.
⚠️ Minors Do Not Interact ⚠️
‼️Do Not Repost to a non-kink blog.‼️ "Hhd-hhRRSCHHEUhww!! Huhh!-”
“Damn, Cap, you think you can find somewhere else to practice your impression of the big bad wolf?” Barrett winced as Ilya doubled over with an impressive double. “HhrrsSCHHHheuhww!… f-huuugck– hHHRRZZSCHHH’HUE!!” “He’ll huff and puff and blow your house down.” Bood cackled.
Ilya flipped him off, dropping his gloves so that he could scrub his nose. Mashing the flesh with the heel of his palm, the skin flushed pink under the abuse.
“Quit that…”Shane huffed, digging around his duffel, tossing Ilya a pack of tissues.
Ilya caught the pack with a thick snuffle, tearing it open, pulling a few out, and bringing them up to blow his nose noisily, swiping at his nose roughly with the mostly soiled paper. “Gh…this is unfair slander! I am not the only one who sneezes in this locker room, and yet I am being picked on!” Ilya protested, crossing his arms over his chest with a pout. Shane rolled his eyes, sitting on the bench, working on getting his gear off. “No one in this room sneezes nearly as much as you do. I’m surprised you haven’t taken the locker room with those beasts yet.” Hayes jabbed, poking fun at his friend.
“Not true, Shane is sneezy too…”Ilya started, but let his mouth snap shut when Shane shot him a look that said, ‘Do you really want to go there?’ “What Hollzy!? No way!” Hayes chuckled. “Seriously, Cap? You could’ve at least tried to pick someone more believable.”Dykstra shook his head as they murmured in agreement, before the subject was dropped. Barrett lingered on the thought, though.
Had any of them ever actually seen Hollander sneeze? He thought back, racking his brain, but couldn’t come up with anything. That bothered him for some odd reason, as he’s pretty sure he’d seen most of his teammates sneeze at least once.
Heck, even Barrett, who didn’t have a particularly sensitive nose, has sneezed at least once or twice in front of the guys.
Barrett would be inclined to believe that Shane had an even less sensitive nose if he hadn’t caught the pointed look Shane had flashed Ilya earlier.
“Okay, but in all seriousness, has anyone actually seen Hollzy sneeze?” Troy asked, the second Ilya and Shane left the room.
“Does it matter?” Hayes shrugged, and he was probably right.
“I guess not, it’s just…you aren’t curious?” Barrett asked, bending down to unlace his skates. “I don’t know, I guess it’s a little weird, but maybe Hollzy’s not a sneezy guy.” Hayes shrugged, working on shucking off his own gear. Troy shrugged, dropping the subject for now. ~
The subject didn’t come up again until a couple of weeks later, when Barrett caught Hayes carrying a bouquet into the locker room.
Which was interesting, since flowers were banned from the locker room, although none of them could remember why at the moment. “I knew you were curious!” Barrett exclaimed, pointing at Hayes accusingly. “I never said I wasn’t,” Hayes defended, “and it’s not like I purposely went out of my way to buy them, a fan caught me outside before I walked in.” Bood walked in, and their gaze shifted to him as he also carried a bouquet. “Aw, man, here I thought I was being unique.” He scowled as he crossed the room to his stall, setting his own bouquet on the bench, noticing Hayes had his own bouquet, “Ah, she got you too, Hayes.” “Damn, Barrett, how’d you avoid flower girl?” Hayes asked, noticing that Barrett’s stall was absent of his own bouquet.
“I always come in through the back.” Barrett shrugged, as if speaking of it, the door opened, and in entered Haas. Thankfully, without a third bouquet.
He stared at the bouquet in Hayes' hands, then let his gaze shift to one sitting on the bench by Bood’s stall, before sighing. “Whatever’s going on, please leave me out of it.” Haas groaned, crossing the room to his own stall, working on putting his gear on.
“Nothing’s going on.” Hayes insisted, setting his own flowers by his stall, getting ready for practice. He didn’t think about it any further until he heard Shane and Ilya walk in together. It was a bit late for them, considering they were usually the first to practice, but if he had to guess by the tone of Hollander’s voice, Ilya had probably made them run late.
They were so engrossed in their conversation that neither of them noticed the flowers as they walked to their own stalls, getting ready for practice.
Hayes was putting on his when the first sneeze came, startling him into dropping it.
“Heh’EsSSHH!”
He really should be used to it by now with how sneezy their captain is, yet he still manages to catch them off guard on occasion.
He waited patiently for the other two to come along.
“h'uhhH'EHSSCh'uh! Heh'ESHHuh! Eh’ISHh! Esh’SHiuhh!”
Okay…that was a lot more than Ilya’s normal three-and-done sneezing fits. They also sounded kind of different.
Then all at once, Hayes remembered exactly why flowers were banned from the locker room. “Fuck!” He said, scooping up the bouquet before practically sprinting across the room to grab Boods, before calmly tossing them out the nearest window.
It didn’t matter, though the damage had already been done. “Eschhhhuhh!…hheh-! HhHEschhhuh! Huhh….sndf-hhHEhschhuhh!! -HehHshhhuh!! …Hehhschhhuh!”
“Why were there flowers in here!?” Shane panicked, watching Hayes chuck both bouquets out the window.
“Some fan caught Bood and me outside before we came in. I didn’t even think about it.” Hayes explained, as he helped Shane shuffle Ilya out of the locker room, as he continued to snap in half with sneeze after sneeze.
Barrett winced watching them, checking pollen off his list since it was obvious Shane wasn’t having any issues.
He just hoped their slip-up didn’t end up with Ilya taking it out on them during practice.
~ tbc ~
i’m just now getting around to reading heated rivalry and hello i’m gonna paraphrase smth shane said in his internal monologue “shane couldn’t sneeze in public without the hockey sites reporting that he was deathly ill, and how that should affect your sports betting”
so we’ve been ill in public shane👀 so we’ve been sneezing in public shane 👀
Reblogging because I need more people to see this. Also, I have thoughts that I put in the notes I want to add. Imagine this is why Shane hates being noticeably sick in public. The media is always making a spectacle of it. Waking up to his phone notifications going crazy as friends and family blow up his phone with well-wishes. Disoriented and confused because he's positive he hasn't told anyone he's sick. Turns out, a fan caught him buying cold medicine and snapped a photo of him. Probably posted it with some lame caption that says: Guess even Hockey Gods catch colds. 😂 Shane is so grumpy because how dare people perceive him. Meanwhile, Ilya's using this opportunity to absolutely abuse his delivery app to send his boyfriend things. A little salty that he has to find out about his boyfriend being sick through strangers on the internet.
Okay, so not sneeze but...
more like a weird assumption I made while reading Role Model for the first time, just seeing Troy on the cover of his book. So when I saw Troy on the cover of his book, I just thought, huh... he looks a lot like Shane, and immediately assumed he was also half-Asian, and that, like Troy, he was just more white-passing than Shane. I don't know why, just thought I'd share this because I'm curious if anyone else had this thought or if it was just me.
Shane Hollander religiously carries around tissues because he catches the messiest colds. Meanwhile, Ilya is miserably stuffed up, begging the congestion filling his head to do anything other than sit in his sinuses.
Shane Hollander whose nose is perpetually chapped because he keeps swiping at it and fussing with it because it’s drippy.
And Ilya who is no longer allowed to used nasal spray unsupervised because he’ll develop a dependency.
"Why is this thing wet?!"
"I... sneezed on it. Accidentally."
"Just once?"
"A few times... I'm so sorry!!"
New Obsession
Shane having a minor allergy to fur and dander, being just a little bit allergic to Anya. Handling it quietly, because he doesn't want Ilya to panic and be sad because his boyfriends allergic to his new fluffy friend.
Dutifully taking allergy medicine, not worrying about it because Ilya already keeps his apartment vacuumed and dusted for him due to Shane's dust allergy.
It's fine, Ilya doesn't need to know, everything's working fine, he's managing it. His allergies aren't even that bad.
Until Ilya finds a second fuzzy friend, and Shane's forgotten to bring his meds, but thought he'd be fine back when he thought he was only coming home to one fuzzy friend.
Just a little thought born from this post @perseaphoneaa made about Ilya, lol.
I'm stupid excited for the Sh/ane being attacked by stimuli by the Cen/taurs and such. I love sneezy Sh/ane. My Shan/ya !!
Lol, I swear I'm still working on this, I'm just slow. 🤣 Have a little treat in the mean time as I slowly pluck through writing this fic:
Just a little WIP I probably could've posted on WIP Wednesday, but oh well, here it is now, lol.
Alright, it is later, my friends.
So this scenario starts with Ilya bitching because his teammates are bullying him for being so sneezy, when he claims Shane's just as sneezy. They just pick on him because he's louder.
They obviously don't believe him, but this leads to the odd realization that they've never actually seen Shane sneeze.
Some of them don't believe Shane is capable of sneezing.
Which ends up with a fun series of shenanigans where the Centaurs aren't necessarily trying to make Shane sneeze, but they're not trying to prevent it.
Cue things like Troy not rinsing off after a cologne shoot, teammates leaving bouquets of flowers from fans around the locker room, media visits to shelters to volunteer with animals, etc. Just things to tilt the odds in their favor, and perhaps some of these attempts backfire on themselves just for funsies. Of course, this all ends with Shane eventually sneezing in front of them from something ridiculous. If anyone has any ideas on what that ridiculous thing is, leave comments in the notes, and maybe I'll put them in a poll and you guys can vote on what gets Shane in the end. Anyway, let me know if this sounds interesting. 🤣
The people have spoken! Hopefully, I can start on this tonight!
What shall be the thing that tips Shane Hollander's nose off the edge?
An over enthusiastic Drag Queen with a feather boa
Photic Reflex
Temperature change
Red Wine
Husbands Menthol Cigarettes
Smelling Salts
Nasal Spray
Nose kisses/boops
Air Freshener
Husbands Curls
Spilled Protein Powder
Wool Sweater for brand deal
These are some creative options. If anyone needs a reference for what this is for, it is for this post.
What shall be the thing that tips Shane Hollander's nose off the edge?
An over enthusiastic Drag Queen with a feather boa
Photic Reflex
Temperature change
Red Wine
Husbands Menthol Cigarettes
Smelling Salts
Nasal Spray
Nose kisses/boops
Air Freshener
Husbands Curls
Spilled Protein Powder
Wool Sweater for brand deal
These are some creative options. If anyone needs a reference for what this is for, it is for this post.
Alright, it is later, my friends.
So this scenario starts with Ilya bitching because his teammates are bullying him for being so sneezy, when he claims Shane's just as sneezy. They just pick on him because he's louder.
They obviously don't believe him, but this leads to the odd realization that they've never actually seen Shane sneeze.
Some of them don't believe Shane is capable of sneezing.
Which ends up with a fun series of shenanigan's where the Centaurs aren't necessarily trying to make Shane, but they're not trying to prevent it.
Cue things like Troy not rinsing off after a cologne shoot, teammates leaving bouquets of flowers from fans around the locker room, media visits to shelters to volunteer with animals, etc. Just things to tilt the odds in their favor, and perhaps some of these attempts backfire on themselves just for funsies. Of course, this all ends with Shane eventually sneezing in front of them from something ridiculous. If anyone has any ideas on what that ridiculous thing is, leave comments in the notes, and maybe I'll put them in a poll and you guys can vote on what gets Shane in the end. Anyway, let me know if this sounds interesting. 🤣
LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOO
A couple sneezing, but one has big slow built up sneezes, and the other has immediate sneezes. So until A actually sneezes it goes
A: ahh—
B: chu!
A: ahh!
B: chu
A: stop stealing my sn-sneezes ahh’Tchuh!
R/ole M/odel Snzcanon
⚠️ Possible spoilers for R/ole M/odel ⚠️
T/roy B/arrett
Not a frequent sneezer, it actually takes him forever to build up to a sneeze.
Poor thing is lucky if he gets more than one or two sneezes in a day.
The team makes fun of him because he’s missed a pass before, distracted by a sneeze that won't come.
Despite not being sneezy, his nose is always just kind of itchy.
Might have mild allergies to something blooming, never enough to make him sneeze, but just enough to make him vaguely itchy.
Has never once considered he might have allergies because allergies are supposed to make you sneeze, and he’s just itchy.
Until one day, Ilya’s allergies are just making him miserably itchy, and he’s like huh…maybe this isn’t a normal thing.
He brings it up to Harris, and his boyfriend’s like: No baby, I don’t think that’s normal.
Ilya’s like: You are a stronger man than me, Barrett, because if I went through what you have just described regularly, I would have clawed my skin off.
So yeah, now Troy takes allergy medicine. 🤣
It doesn’t help that when he does sneeze, they’re loud.
They make everyone in the general vicinity jump, and everyone knows it’s him.
Has tried stifling, but it doesn’t help much with the volume, and it hurts, so it’s not worth it.
The only time he’s ever sneezed more than once in a row was when Harris changed his laundry detergent, and he made the mistake of washing his clothes at his boyfriend’s place.
He’d never sneezed so much in his life.
It took too long to realize it was the laundry detergent setting him off this badly, but once they did, Harris had him strip.
It was an interesting experience in the Centaurs’ locker room, still not the weirdest thing to have happened, though.
He also sneezes more when Harris induces him.
It still takes him a bit, but Harris can really get him going sometimes.
Troy doesn’t mind because it kind of feels really good to sneeze, especially if he’s already been a bit itchy.
Harris certainly doesn’t mind admiring the hazy look of relief Troy gets after he induces him.
Doesn’t get sick often, but when he does, it hits him hard.
He’s also the worst at taking care of himself when he’s sick, but he also feels bad letting anyone else take care of him.
It’s a dilemma.
He knows he should check his temprature and take some medicine, but he’s just so exhausted and sad.
Which he feels dumb about because, according to him, he’s not even that sick.
Despite this, he somehow manages to push himself too hard when he’s sick, which is a disaster, because he doesn’t do anything to take care of himself.
He’s too good at pretending like he’s fine, but Harris always knows.
Harris takes over caretaking duties when they start dating, without being asked to, because Troy would protest, so they skip that step.
Harris’ family sends all kinds of get-well goodies when Troy gets sick.
Troy cried the first time Harris took care of him.
Harris had no idea what to do other than hold his boyfriend and let him cry.
Patiently helping him get cleaned up when he’s all cried out, because poor Troy is a mess.
H/arris D/rover
I think Harris has a sneeze kink.
Getting that out of the way right away.
Which is torture because his boyfriend hardly ever sneezes, but it’s also a treat when he does. 🤣
It’s fine, though, because Troy certainly doesn’t mind indulging Harris.
Harris sneezes more frequently than Troy, which Troy is a little jealous of because, as we’ve established, his nose is itchy.
Has a softer sneeze than Troy’s, not super quiet but more average.
Has a bit more of a feminine sound towards the end, like a bit higher pitch.
Another thing that Troy’s jealous of is that his boyfriend’s not turning any heads.
He doesn’t have a consistent sneezing pattern.
Sometimes it’s a single, others it’s a double, and then he’ll have a fit another day.
They’re all over the place. He keeps his nose tucked into his elbow a bit afterward until he’s sure he’s done.
Harris doesn’t get off ot his own sneezes, but he certainly doesn’t mind being sneezy.
It feels good, so why not?
Is polite with his sneezes, which is rare in a room full of Hockey players. 🤣
Consistently covers, sneezing into his elbow.
Gets sick more frequently than Troy, but usually just mild colds.
It made Troy a bit nervous when they first started dating, with Harris’ heart condition, but he knows his boyfriend doesn’t appreciate being treated like glass.
Still can’t help but spoil the man a bit, though.
Harris doesn’t make it easy, though.
Troy never knew his boyfriend could be so stubborn.
He thinks it’s cute because Harris is usually so easy going, but he’s so pouty because Troy made him lie down and take a nap.
Harris: I don’t need *yawn* a nap. I’m fine, Troy! Troy: *Trying so hard not to laugh.* Yes, yes, I know you’re so capable, but consider this. Maybe I want to be the one who fusses for a change. Then Harris just grumbles, and Troy knows he’s won.
It’s hard when Troy’s being so sweet, maybe even sweetening the deal by wearing a frilly apron.
Harris doesn’t push himself because he knows better, but he also won’t call out because of a cold.
Gen isn’t afraid to tattle on him to Troy, though, if she thinks he needs to go home.
Gets sneezy with colds; there’s still not a consistent number to them, but they more frequently come in fits.
Not specific to Harris, but I feel like they’re both so bad about keeping colds to themselves.
Troy tries to protest weakly, between kisses from Harris.
He’s weak for his man.
Has a mild horse allergy.
Developed horrible hayfever as an adult.
He was so stubborn about it at first, but now he’s accepted that he needs to dose up before he visits home.
Still, being home always gets a couple of good sneezes out of him.
