Gold Dust Woman

[misfitmalice]

I have no idea what I'm doing rn. Piece 1/3 or something. Stickers are almost done. okay bai.

[misfitmalice]

Abandoned pvdpmkn, decided it was too limited. Changed to ylo.h for the time being.

Collab piece is coming together. Spot has several decent walls I’ve been eyeing for future work. Likely going to become practice grounds for new designs while I keep creeping around looking for future locations.

Still no progress with the stickers, but the impending completetion of the mural collab is reviving my interest. Would like to have them done before the wall is finished. Will have limited time to work on the mural, so I’ll be keeping busy with the stickers soon enough.

[misfitmalice]

Stickers have sat idle for three weeks, started new projects. Intend to finish all this month. Found location for the first big piece, just need to finish the first sticker set and accumulate more paint. Prime spot, very excited. Probably sharing the spot with a (much more talented) friend, so should be a good way to kick off the summer/project.

[misfitmalice]

7/20 finished. Starting to slack, I have never been good at finishing anything, but refusing to start any new designs is helping push me to stay creative and active with these. Working on a stencil for my first design. Got a bunch more spraypaint. Should be finished with the stickers within a week, drop date will be posted soon. Took on a handle/hashtag; #pvdpmkn Not sure if I'm committed to it just yet. Keeping #19 from this series. 1/10

[misfitmalice]

#1-18, none completed. First drop to be announced.

Decided to record my art progress here, as I intend on being anonymous with my upcoming projects this year. After this post there will be little verbal/written detail shared about this adventure, for many reasons, but mostly due to my desire for this to remain a physical and personal therapy.

In the past few months I have experienced loss, depression and anxiety beyond what I am capable of handling. In what was an unfortunate and unusual turn of events I have found myself totally alone and anew, despite if it was desired or not, and have struggled endlessly to find my place in this new world. No more than a month ago I felt fear, for the first time since my troubled youth, for my sanity. I know I walk a tight rope by refusing treatment and medication for my mental illness, and I know when I’m in control. Currently I am not, and I risk everything I have worked for by fighting this confusion and pain out of fear.

I decided earlier this year I wanted to focus more on physical art, and graffiti, like I used to when I was young and full of life. So far I am in love with the project. Time I would spend lost in my own mind, unproductive and dark, is becoming something healthy and beautiful. I feel more at peace when I begin each little canvas and craft a new world, influenced by whatever thought or memory plagues me that day, and watch as it becomes something new.

My goal is to make a batch of 20 and release them in the city and world around me. To fight my habitual procrastination I have decided not to move onto the next set until the first is completed and ready to be put out. There are a total of 450 stickers to design, and of them I will keep only 10 to myself, to be decided as I go along. I am also having new people in my life contribute one or two designs themselves, which I may use as is or improve/change. Some of my own designs will repeat as I learn to improve skills left dormant for entirely too long.

Upon finishing the release of each set of 20, I will paint something in the city, of which will also be counted and recorded.

I’ll have very little to say about myself in relation to this project/therapy. I have come to understand this is a journey I must take on my own. I will display my current works, in progress or completed/released, and any notes regarding the art.

10 & 12 (edited): Kyle 17: Jack

ig; @pvdpmkn 0/450 | 03/18

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Curious, this so familiar yet foreign,

in the midst of nothing, now more.

Beauty in madness.

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snow.

Two lovers held arm in arm,

so near but soon so far,

foolishly without fear of harm.

In the snow amidst the bells,

the lights, the night, the moment,

daylight brings a fresh new hell,

to wonder where love went.

Pure like the driven snow, why did you go?

For now the meek,

spineless sheep,

did show the dragon,

how to weep.

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heartbeat.

pounding in my chest, low and slow, without rest.

a new fear, sharp and real but nowhere near.

have I always known you or was it fate?

you say you are meant to bring me light, but what if I am destined to be the night.

Don't you know that dragons eat sheep?!

[misfitmalice]

Crown

"Can't pick up no crown, holding what's holding you down."

Quiet rooms and unspoken disappointment.

Endless hours wastefully spent.

Is forgetting the past the only way to embrace the future?

It is now, and for good.

There's no home to go back to.

Ghosts and memories are all that remain,

and I'd sooner be dead before reliving that pain.

Before me my own way,

and between me and what comes next;

only I can say.

[misfitmalice]

Green.

This space you share with me, so quiet and cramped and worn, In this musky scent and lingering smoke, my greatest weakness born.

This is where I first saw you, isolated from the world, defiant and decided, so tragically beautiful.

Your smile is a curse, gift wrapped just for me. Even time, my enemy, could not bring me relief. That night you held me again, after so long without, I felt the pain that has been, in that little green room that time forgot.

[misfitmalice]

Song.

My greatest gift in life is not physical skill or any trait of beauty. It is the darkness I harbor. It is the silver lined whispers that corrupt the hearts weakened by my pretty face and chaotic charm. Words so carefully crafted and spoken, in lustrious smokey tones, far from the world and time as witnesses. It is the way I smell, so subtle and sweet, on skin soft like satin, leaving a faint trail between sheets and memories. Unique and impossible to replicate, an unforgettable and lingering scent. It is the light in my eyes, and the way that it fractures in the green-blue ocean which hides my darkness like stained glass windows. The intensity and energy in my gaze, genuine or manipulated, and the way it melts the poor souls foolish enough to reach for the flame. It is the contentment above all else that dooms their fate. My gift is a wicked one, so lovingly building my prey up to feel fearless, to forget their flaws, to desire my affection feverishly. An unattainable desire, my fleeting fixation cannot sate the darkness long.

All who reach for the flame shall be burned, because my darkness knows no love except the love of lust. The fire that burns in me will never wane, but it will aways scorch all around me.

I am easy to love but impossible to forget.

[misfitmalice]

siren.

A high without equal, found in the warm words and first touch of desire. A life without a soul. The fly always thinks its smarter than the spider.

[misfitmalice]

Eden.

Time came and went, as did the hapless souls lost amidst its ever changing frailties. I remember your scent as if it still lingered, and her voice, and his laugh. Another’s eyes. Someone’s smile, I remember you as if you once meant something to me, but I refuse to remember your voices. Treacherous and cold, words spoken with only malicious intent. Monster. Monster. Monster.

Have you found the peace you could not take from me? Have you found a love stronger than that which made you mad with obsession? All the answers you sought, all the anger you aired. Do you still hear the voices of your past when you think of my comfort? Does the sight of me still stir your heart and mind?

I do not desire your answers. I think only of you in the way a writer does, a romantic nostalgia for times gone and nearly forgotten, kept alive only by word and memory. So real yet not so. Like the lingering love for a fictional character after the story is finished and the reader is still grasping onto the fading reality.

For you were always just another chapter in a long and never ending story about one broken little girl and all the broken toys she collected in her sad little life.

I never really loved you. I can only love myself. But you knew that, didn’t you?

[misfitmalice]

This unyielding charm, promises of love without harm. Hot words on cooling skin, how many are listening?

One in many or one of many?

Silent whispers of broken things, secrets amidst sheets. When the white hot fire wanes, will the safety of it’s smoke remain?

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Dark Times

Driving too fast, but just moving too slow.

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I took her by the hand to say All faith forever has been washed away I returned for you in great dismay Come with me, far away, to stay

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I purge, and you replenish. An infinite cycle. Shield and spear paradox.