i don't know how to start this blog entry but, i guess, there are certain proofs existing somewhere in this blog, most especially in 2019, of how much i was yearning for one great love before.
my heart was so open that year that i was sending signals to the universe that, this time, i am ready to love again. i've been telling God that the moment He says, “it's time,” i am ready.
i remember writing love letters long before love even had a name and a face.. and while i was browsing through my notes app, this is what i found:
March 3, 2019: I Am Missing You
it’s 5:30 in the morning..
i wonder what you are doing right now? i wonder if your alarm clock has already reminded you to wake up early today; or are you still wandering in your dreams because there’s really not much to do on Sundays.
wait, hold on. how is it even possible to miss you at this time? how is it even possible that you make my heart ponder and yearn like this — like as if there’s a hurricane starting to form in the middle of my chest; and as much as my heart is trying to stay strong with its every beating part, there’s only so much it can handle.
sometimes, i wonder if the wind can truly hear our heart’s softest whispers and strongest desires.. and if they can really send the message to the person we want to tell it to. i bet, you don’t even have the slightest idea about this.
{but somehow, i still miss you.}
how am i gonna tell you all that i feel for you? how will i let you know that i’m just here — patiently waiting — hoping we’d bump into each other so that i could finally let you know all the words that have been circling in my chest, trying to find their way out of my lips just for you.
i wanna tell you all about my dreams. my hopes. my fears. my secrets. the stories i don’t tell out loud. i will let you see through me even after the whole world believed me when i said that i was okay. i will show you the unfiltered version of me. and at the same time, just know that i will do the same for you.
but for now, i hope you’ll have an amazing day — that the sun will shine on whatever you planned to do today. i hope you find all the reasons to smile and be happy about love and life in general. i am always going to wish you well. always.
and maybe, who knows? in the middle of nothingness and emptiness and long silence, your mind might wander to where i am. your heart might wonder who i am.
and while i’m waiting right here, until we find each other, i am never gonna stop missing you.
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