You know how people often say “it gets better”? It happens a lot. And for a moment, it does get better. One day you’re at your lowest point and the next one everything seems to set in motion and you find love, success, but mostly, happiness, you feel much better. It’s like a drug, you don’t want the feeling to go away. After all, we were put here to feel joy, no? That’s supposedly what we as human beings are meant to be, happy. So you go around and you make plans, life is grand, you finally get the taste of what it’s like to send that shadow that lives hovering over you away and you feel lighter, as if you’re now able to breathe.
And everything is fine, everything is right.
Then why does it still feel like it’s not?
When you look around and realise you feel alone when you’ve got many people who love you, when you feel there’s no one there for you. Everyone’s just busy all the time but you have to be there for them. It sucks, it really does. Feeling your stomach tied in a knot, uncertain of saying this out loud because you know it would make real that you’re basically alone.
And loneliness isn’t so bad. That is when you don’t have that monster crawling from your back, whispering things in your ear, a living reminder of all you’ve failed to do in life. Or all you were too scared to do. It doesn’t matter, he’s just there, whispering, crawling, wanting... fucking living.
Damn, that shit feels more alive than I do. And I was fine without it, so I just wonder, why is it back? Why do I feel empty? Or angry? There’s so many good things around me and I just can’t get past that blur of uncertainty. You know what’s the most frustrating thing? I was fine. That’s what I felt. I was perfectly fine. And all was good for a long while. And I will tear myself up just to blow that monster off my back, to punch it in the face and tell him to never return. Maybe this time he will listen to me instead. Maybe he’ll finally leave me at peace and give me the chance to enjoy my happiness and allow me to focus on myself, my loved ones, my life.
I’m tired of fighting and unending struggle, I’m tired of letting it take the best of me.
andulkaphoto
annaxmalina
stormborns
discoholicmusic
tangentwithtanner
germansingergirl
titsay
romaincrisis
