Life as we know it is over...
I have been gone from tumblr for a very, very long time. But for some reason I feel the need to let you know whats going on in my life, and where I’m at.
Alec and I are at the end of a somewhat nasty divorce. Why, you ask?
Well, a lot of things. I had caught him in some lies about taking my clothing/items. Turns out he had been lying to me our whole entire relationship/marriage about who he is. Years ago, at the beginning of our relationship, he had confessed to cross dressing and it was something he assured me was only an issue for a couple of months in his life. He said a therapist he saw told him it was an absence of a woman figure in his life. I learned to accept this over time and we moved on, with the only requirement being that if he ever felt that way again, that he would reach out to me.
The past year and a half I began to notice things that weren’t normal. That he tried to make an excuse for. He lied directly to my face. He continued to take me for a fool. But a fool I am not. Eventually it came out that he lied, he never went to therapy years ago. He never got help. This had been going on his whole life, and apparently been caught a few times before I had met him. Our therapist came to the conclusion of Gender Identity Disorder. I felt numb. I tried my best to get answers from him and our therapist, trying to clarify between that and being trans-gendered. Anything either of them said anything, it made it seem more than GID. It always felt like more.
The diagnosis of GID was never the issue for me. Where it came to a head was the constant lying. We tried to compromise over, and over again. But in the end he’d tell me that I was trying to control him and that he wanted to do what he wanted and that his friends and family couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just let him BE. My brother is trans-gendered, its easier to love and support someone unconditionally when you’re not MARRIED to them. Not saying that it’s impossible, its just waaaay different.
After almost a year of fighting, lack of intimacy, lack of pure feelings...I lost it. I spent so much time just trying to let him be happy within my level of comfort that I lost sense of myself. Everyday was just painfully numb. There were days where I’d zone out while driving and imagine just driving head on into the cement median. I felt stuck. I was in a emotionally distant, sexless, draining marriage. I was constantly finding my things hidden around the house. He was taking things or using them without my permission. Every time something happened, it just felt like the first time...The overwhelming feeling of seeing everything he’d ever secretly worn of mine, just laid out. The complete mountain of clothing. It’s an unimaginable feeling. To feel so violated in a way you never thought possible. You think, “how can someone who says they love me do this to me?” It was just that whole cycle of feelings every time I’d find something tucked away. Every time I’d ask him about something but he’d lie to my face. I was spent. I ended up having to go on medication because I could barely function anymore.
He had friends secretly help him dress up in clothes and make up behind my back. Enough was enough. I couldn’t do it. From the very beginning I told him that if this was something he wanted to pursue, then I would be there for him as a friend, but not as his wife. Call it self centered, but he was no longer who I thought he was. We wanted completely different things now, and again...no matter how many times his therapist or himself would say they don’t want be a woman, he’d counter it with, “I’m too far in my life to do something like that” “I have my military career and my civilian job, and I don’t want to do anything to mess it up.” Just all of these red flags going off in my head that he’s just lying to me. He wants to be a woman, no matter what he said, I couldn’t get past it. Especially since we went through almost a year of trying to make it work. A year of, “no I swear this is everything. There’s nothing more to is.” There was always more. And there was always more pain.
I asked for a separation.
I know now that I should have just asked for a divorce. I just couldn’t do it. But I shouldn’t have gave him hope when there wasn’t any. I told him that I wanted to date. I no longer knew what it was that I wanted. I no longer knew what I wanted from a relationship or a man in general. I just felt nothing but sadness. I knew deep down that I was done with everything a long time ago, but in that moment I couldn’t bring myself to say that to him. And that for sure wasn’t fair to him.
Right away I met someone. And he changed my life. In every single way.
I told Alec while i was finding myself that I wouldn’t sleep with anyone. But I broke that too. How can you resist someone who gives you everything you didn’t know you needed and everything you know your soul needed? I used to be the type of person who said, how can you just basically sleep with someone when you didn’t mean to? I know that happens now. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret it for one second. I just regret that I didn’t completely end things with Alec before moving on with my life, and that I hid it from him.
But I met someone who doesn’t make me hide. That loves everything about me. In every capacity. He also had gotten out of a 7+ year relationship, and the comparisons have been bizarre, but we believe that we were meant to be here together. To struggle through the worst pains to be together.
We’ve been together 8 months now.
It hasn’t been easy at times but we’re moving forward. Its crazy to see how out of touch with your feelings you can become until someone just lets you BE. Alec never wanted me to cry or be upset. He hated my anxiety/depression and never tried to understand. But most importantly, Alec never just held me. Held me when i was happy, held me when I was sad, held me while i sobbed, held me while I was angry. Alec never reached out to me. HE DOES.
And I get to be myself in every single goofy way.
To end this horribly long story, (thank you if you’re still with me), I just want to let you know that I’m okay now. That I’m SO happy. That I love life again. I won’t let people become my happiness, I create it for myself, and he just adds onto that in ways I couldn’t imagine. I know that how I handled things with Alec weren’t the best, and I wish I would have done things the proper way, but in the moment, it’s hard to see how to handle things. But that’s life. we make mistakes, we learn, we live.
My divorce will be finalized next month, and I cannot wait. I’ve left him alone and he goes out of his way to create stories and lies in hopes of destroying me. That’s what makes me most upset. He continues to lie. Yes, what I did was wrong, but don’t create this whole universe that wasn’t even there, things that never happened since we split. Talking to my friends, assuming we don’t talk anymore, and making up stories.
But that’s life I guess. It’ll be over soon enough.
This marriage was an ultimate life lesson for me. I know not everyone will agree with the things that I’ve done. And that’s okay. But I wanted to let you know why I’ve been gone so incredibly long.
I love you guys, thank you. xoxox
