Hi I'm Mochiyoonfi! This tumblr will be host to BTS oneshots, fanfictions and so on! Please enjoy! I rejoined borahae<3 I missed my 7 muses~ This (mighttt) stay inactive forever.
you sat in the corner of the practice room, humming along to the song playing under your breath. You were sure not to make too much noise since you knew the people in front of you were hard at work. The dull squeak of shoes on the floor threatened to snap you out of your trance. loving someone so ridiculously popular could be hard sometimes. even harder when they were someone everyone loved.
Yoongi just happened to be one of those people. someone everyone loved. Yet selfishly you wanted to be the only one to see him, the only one to have the privilege of loving him. His music, his art his everything. they didn’t belong to you. he was the worlds trophy more so than yours.
you watched as he congratulated his band members and friends on a well done dance practice. You saw the beam on his face that only seemed to show with his brothers in bangtan. that smile was different than the one he gave you. Yet this one seemed all the more loving.
Watching silently as one of his band mates pressed skip on the song, you saw Yoongi move to talk to his youngest friend. He didn’t bother to come and talk to you. Instead he smiled and joked around. it wasn’t jealously.
because even loneliness turns into something you can see.
Warnings: Immediate smut. Followed on from Our Utopia PT 2 mentions of rape, assault and trauma.
Words: 3.9 k
A/n: I was in hospital dealing with some things, but now I’m back!! There was too many text blocks to fit both of these in one part sorry.
It had been a while since your.. more than awkward talk with Yoongi, when he invited you over to his apartment.
Stepping into his room, you were nervous at the prospect of so much privacy with him. But when he took your hand to lead you into the bedroom, one with rose petals surrounding the bed, your nerves disapperated. Romantic music played softly in the background, soothing your ears.
He smiled awkwardly. “Is it cheesy?”
Tears flowed from your eyes. “No.. it’s wonderful.”
Launching into a speech about how he admired your strength and will to fight through your trials, you felt bad to feel your desire growing.
Why was him speaking so damn attractive?
Speech finished, he grabbed your hand, a seductive grin washing over his face.
“I want to be perfect.” He whispered to you through passionate kisses.
You shook your head. “You already are.”
Surging forward, he pushed his body against you. Hands gripping your waist and the back of your head as he thirsted for your touch. He craved your body in the same way you craved his.
Fingers tracing the outline of his toned stomach, he took purchase at a spot on your neck. You moaned into his mouth, his lips leaving a loving hickey. His hands slipped under your shirt, sliding it away from your body. Right as you cringed at the open air, he kissed a line up your collarbone.
“You’re beautiful. More beautiful than any angel.”
You giggled, raising an eyebrow teasingly. “How many angels have you seen in your life?”
He couldn’t suppress his smirk as he replied, “Only you.”
You laughed, cringe taking over, even when it was the sweetest compliment.
His hands danced over your stomach as his innocent eyes searched yours for permission. You nodded, eyes squeezed shut.
Yoongi sighed out loud happily as he slipped your shorts down from your hips. You whimpered, feeling his fingers press against your panties. He looked up, eyes staring a hole into your mouth. “Don’t worry baby. I’ll make you feel amazing.”
Pulling your panties down, he kissed upward towards your pussy. His fingers slid over your opening, pressing inwards slightly.
You shuddered. “Y-Yoongi..”
He looked up. “What’s wrong baby?”
“I want.. I want you.”
Sucking in a sharp breath, he smirked. “And you’ll have me. I just don’t want it to hurt.”
In the middle of his sentence he slipped his finger inside your pussy, other fingers dancing over your swollen entrance as you bit back a moan.
Grinding your hips upwards you twisted into his rough fingers, loving the way they sped against your most sensitive area.
His other hand wandered from holding your thighs spread to your breast, massaging it, pulling at the erect bud of your nipples. You whined again, your senses on fire as he gave you attention slowly and lovingly.
“You’re so wet..” He marveled. The attention he lavished on your pussy made you shiver.
He entered a second finger, causing the both of you to sigh in unison when it slid in all the way to his knuckle.
An electrifying feeling shot through your body as he began to pump his two fingers inside.
“Shit baby.. I..” He groaned at the lewd noises your pussy was making. “I.. I want to take you right now. I just want to fuck you until you don’t want anything else but me.”
You whimpered, grabbing his hair slightly to edge him towards your face.
“Then do it. I’m yours.”
His lips smashed against yours, tongue instantly slipping inside your mouth. It swirled inside before he leaned back, your spit slightly visible on his lips.
Still perfect, you thought.
He undid his belt as his eyes never left yours. Finally he slid his boxers down, revealing his semi hard cock. It wasn’t too long. It wasn’t too big. It was pretty normal.
And that’s what turned you on the most.
How did he make normal so fucking attractive?
“I’m going in baby.”
You whined your agreements.
His cock pressed against your entrance, pressure enough for you to tremble. After what seemed like years but were only seconds, his cock was enveloped by your pussy.
Yoongi leaned against your chest, groaning as he subtly rocked into you. “T-tell me when I can move.”
Mind swarming in pleasure and serenity, you forced your eyes open to stare at the absolutely divine man on top of you. “M-move.”
He hissed as his cock sunk deeper inside. Finally he drove back out, plunging in and out and his buff arms wrapped around you.
You cried out small moans, unable to contain yourself. You’d never felt anything like this. The ecstasy unwinding inside your body was completely alien.
You gasped into his shoulder as he rammed into your G-Spot. “Y-Yoong!”
He leaned back, eyes connecting with yours as he drilled into you relentlessly, sweat dripping from his tanned skin. “Yeah b-baby?”
“I-” Yoongi thrusted particularly hard and you let out a large cry of pleasure. “I-I’m going to..”
A grin spread across his perfect lips. “Are you gonna cum baby?”
You nodded, needily grinding back against his cock. He let his hand wander down to your pussy. Strumming his finger against your clit, he looked back up at you.
“Then do it. You don’t need my permission.” He groaned, feeling your pussy tighten particularly hard.
You gripped his back, moaning and sighing, a complete mess. His speed never tampered or wavered however. Yoongi continued at his stoic rate, groaning every time you clenched, hands never slowing either as they pinched and pressured your swollen clit.
“Y-you’re so fucking tight.” He groaned.
You shuddered against him, his cock reaching new depths with every thrust.
“Y-Yoongi!” You moaned, the string snapping as you shuddered against him, bucking slightly as your orgasm overtook you.
As you rode out your orgasm, panting and whining, Yoongi smiled lovingly into your eyes, kissing your neck as he continued thrusting into you. His fingers never left your clit either, providing you the fulfilling constant pleasure.
“Y/n.. I-I’m going to-” He groaned, thrusting faster as your senses finally seemed to calm down. Both of his hands were back to gripping your arms, his beautiful fingers still shining with your own slick.
“Y-you c-can.” You replied.
With that, Yoongi sped up, desperately thrusting into you as if there would never be this experience again. His dark, lustful eyes never left yours as he only closed his eyes to moan. His hips swiveled as he finally moaned out loudly.
“Y-Y/n. Shit. Shit. Y/n.” He thrust into you slowly, retracting after a few seconds of slow bucking.
He ran his hand along your jawline. You panted, tired and sweating. Your hair stuck to your face. There was no way you looked good.
As if he read your mind, he kissed you slowly. “You.” He pulled back. “Are the only beautiful angel I’ve ever seen. I love you.”
Your eyes lit up, another sensation overwhelming you. Love. It was love. And Yoongi felt it too.
You hugged him wordlessly, grinning against his muscular body.
This was perfect.
It had been months since your first well.. encounter with Yoongi. There had been more of course. You were having lunch with your brother, happy to get the chance to have a conversation with him.
“Namjoon. I actually want to tell you something.”
His dimples flashed. “Tell me anything.”
“I.. I had a passion for music at the start. It was really my first love.” You took a deep breath. You hadn’t admitted this to anyone. “But it’s not my love anymore. I’ve fallen out of it. My heart.. it lies elsewhere now.”
It wasn’t just your falling out with the music you sang though. Your past was a broken light. Something that, if you could fix it, you could lead others out of their darkness too.
And that’s all you wanted.
Happiness.
But not just for yourself.
“I want to help people… who went through something similar to what I did. No one should be alone through that. I’ll do the 7 year contract. I’ll be an idol still until it’s over. But after that.. it’s over.”
Namjoon threw his arms around you, bringing you into a close hug, smiling at you with a warmth only a brother could share.
“I’m not really too surprised. I could feel it coming. I just want you to be happy too.” He gestured around him. “I was born for this. The sounds of my fans singing my songs that I pour my heart out to. One day I’ll do more. I’ll have more in my life. But right now, this is my life.”
He beamed at you. “It’s just not your life. You’re meant for more than people cheering. You're meant to save lives in a different way to the comfort we can provide for a brief second through lyrics.”
Namjoon hadn’t had the easiest life. Even the most perfect things are
somehow damaged. He didn’t always have the easiest time. Sometimes he wanted more than he could have.
But his destiny, his true love?
It lay with his band mates and his fans.
The perfect combination of support and comfort. No one could comfort you more than someone who barely knew you.
He already found his destiny.
“It’s been a year since their debut, but they’re already winning so many awards! And here’s another one! Best Single goes to the rookie band, UT-Opia!”
You grabbed your band mates hands, giggling and laughing happily. It was amazing how much everyone loved you.
The large screen flickered behind the hosts, catching your attention. Pictures and videos of the night that still haunted your nightmares and dreams alike flashed on it.
Gasps and yells erupted from the crowd around you, your face being so recognisable that they knew it was you in only seconds.
You wanted to cry. No, even better, you wanted to hide away where no one could find you again. Where no one could jeer at you, or even gasp when they saw you.
But you couldn’t.
Everyone was watching. Most of your country was watching.
This couldn’t be the solution.
Your legs trembled as you got up from your seat, passing your stunned band mates. Hands fumbling as you stepped on stage, the microphone you gently took from a host suddenly impossible to hold.
You felt as though you shouldn’t do this. Like this was a bad idea.
But, fuck it.
What’s the worst that could happen?
You told everyone how the night had happened. How it had haunted you for years. How drugs had torn you apart before your rehab stay. Your days wasted in hospital and therapy.
But it wasn’t a waste in the end.
Your therapist was part of your healing even. You had rebuilt your trust with the singular, wise man who counselled you. The person who helped you find out that even when it seemed every man you met hated you, there were still a few good people left.
The way this inspiring man had influenced you so heavily you had decided to get a degree in psychology yourself. And then you realised the other element of your life.
“RM. My older brother.” You said. “The thing that kept me clinging to my life. I’m probably not the only one, it was Namjoon.”
Your eyes caught on the countless light sticks belonging to BTS fans.
“My family. I would hang on for him. I didn’t want to die.”
You sighed. “Then again. Who does want to die? All we really want to do is stop hurting. Not stop living. But that’s what I wanted countless times. I wanted to end it all so I wouldn’t struggle any longer.”
“But I didn’t want him to blame himself. I wouldn’t be able to end it, because I knew Namjoon wouldn’t survive it.”
You looked out across the countless blank faces in the crowd. “We’ve all suffered. It’s not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. We’re all broken. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be fixed. To all those women, men and any person who has struggled through what I had to. It’s a big deal, despite what others say. It’s never your fault. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing. No one deserves to be mistreated. Not even when you feel like you deserve nothing. You’re precious.
“There’s a way to heal. But it’s up to you to find the strength within you to heal.” You opened your eyes, letting tears wash over your face. “Don’t give up that fight.”
The entire venue was dead silent. Then someone began clapping. Your eyes snapped to where BTS sat. Namjoon was standing, clapping. The rest of BTS stood up as well, clapping.
People all around stood up, clapping to show their support.
Not as many as would be desirable, but you knew how badly some of these idols could face backlash if they supported you.
Giving the microphone back to the host, you walked off stage, head held high.
Backstage your manager apologised desperately. She said she didn’t know how that footage was able to be shown. Or how someone could have gotten their hands on it.
You just shrug, numbed.
“They’ll find the culprits! Don’t worry Y/n.” She comforted you.
Your band mates rushed backstage along with BTS.
The majority of them had no idea of your past. They had no idea how you were feeling. If you were even close to okay.
You turn to Yoongi, grabbing onto his shirt, ready to collapse.
“P-please take me to an AA. I-I don’t want to.. to do something I’ll regret.”
Yoongi quickly nodded, grasping you tightly against his body. He wasn’t out of his depth with AA meetings. He had been to some before himself.
“I’m going to.” Namjoon demanded.
You nodded, not caring at this point.
Only minutes later, Yoongi was driving you there as you lay in Namjoon’s arms. He cradled you, letting you sob against him.
The way you cried like he’d never seen.. Namjoon felt his heart break for his baby sister.
Your heavy eyes opened to blasting light from your phone. You moved Yoongi’s arm from around you, as you had slept in his room with him, not wanting to be alone.
You picked up your phone. The ID simply said Big Hit.
Feeling your stomach drop, you slid out of Yoongi’s warm embrace. What had you done..
You shakily told him, his eyes widening, lump forming in his throat.
Slipping out of bed, you got ready to go. Ignoring both Namjoon and Yoongi’s offers to drive with you there.
You had to do this by yourself.
Dependence wasn’t something that resided with you.
So you drove there by yourself, mind and heart on the brink of exploding.
Arriving was extremely stressful. Never before had an elevator ride seemed to take so long.
Your entire group was seated along with every important Big Hit executive you’d ever heard of. You could feel the room’s eyes on you, but bravely, you sat down to listen through whatever reason you were there.
“The people at the award show managing the cameras were bribed. We secured the backstage footage and they’re currently in jail, waiting to be charged.”
You took a deep breath. Sounds good so far.
“And the… men from the footage shown on the screen have been identified and tracked down. They’re also waiting in a jail-”
You broke down in tears. Finally. It had been so long. But that wasn’t all. Of course.
“You’ll have to testify.. unfortunately.”
A female executive took over. “Your speech was moving, sweetheart. Online support is already flooding through.” She smiled sadly. “Of course there will be some hate. But already #justiceforY/N is trending Worldwide.”
You were shocked. The reaction from citizens was mainly.. positive?
“1, 2, 3.”
Everyone in the jetting bowed their heads in respect from the woman’s count. You began to cry again, from the happiness sparking inside you. Maybe you had already done something good. Maybe you had started a new wave of public justice. Especially for women. They began speaking again, but it was all about basic procedures. Your mind was set on talking to your band mates.
The opportunity finally came, and you were left alone with the girls.
“I-I’m..” You took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for not telling you guys.”
Ji-Eun quickly waved you off. “No, no. It’s not something you needed to tell us.”
Baram nodded quickly. “Y/n, it’s horrible to hear what happened to you. You didn’t deserve to go through that..”
Heeyoung shook her head. “No one should have to go through that.”
Aiko still looked at you with her bright eyes. “You’re incredible. You’re so strong. I.. we all admire you.”
Luna nodded in agreement. “I’m so glad you’re our leader.” You burst into tears, and the other girls embraced you, giggling at how awkward the group hug was.
But it was nice.
When the door clicked open, you found Namjoon and Yoongi standing outside. They looked proud.
They probably already knew.
You ran over, throwing your arms around them. The most important men in your life. The loves of your life. The sibling love you’d never shared with anyone else, and the soft and loving relationship with Yoongi.
“It’s almost over.” Namjoon whispered.
Well, he was almost true. First day of the trial, the entirety of BTS insisted on going with you.
Moral support, they called it. You rolled your eyes, but only to cover how much it actually meant to you.
You were finally able to confront your demons. And honestly, seeing them again, you realised how pathetic they were. They weren’t the nightmares. They were just the nightmare fuel.
After another powerful speech, this time rehearsed and prewritten. You never wavered. It was your time to shine. And their time to go down.
“Guilty.”
It sounded amazing coming from the judge. Even better from the jury. Sure, the sentence wasn’t anything like 30 years or life. But 15 years sounded great anyway. At least everyone knew they were guilty.
At least you knew they were guilty too.
It wasn’t long after the court trial that your parents came down from your hometown to visit.
They had seen what had happened on TV. First abruptly from the Award show, and secondly from the broadcast Court Trial. They felt the parental need to see you. Needing to know if you were okay.
And because they missed you.
“I’m so proud of you Y/n! All the women in town love and support you so much. You’re so honest! Just the way I raised you! How can you get more successful? I love you so much my little baby boo-”
“How the hell did they let that happen?” Your father interrupted.
Namjoon scoffed. “Bribery. Stupid fucks are in prison now.”
Your mother hushed him. “No swearing.”
You could swear she winked at him though.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
You patted Namjoon’s arm. “Bro, I told them not to-”
“We couldn’t tell you. You would give everything up. And that would’ve broken Y/n further.” Your father sighed.
“And if there’s anything harder than having your children suffer, it’s having them suffer alone.” Your mother said. “We tried our hardest to help her..”
Namjoon launched himself at them, hugging them tightly. “I forgive you guys.” You giggled and wandered over to join the family group hug.
“Mrs Kim?”
Yoongi hesitantly talked to your mother, but he knew he had to. Or he would regret it.
“Thank you so much for looking after Y/n.” He blurted out.
Your mother laughed. “I should be thanking you. I’ve never seen her look at so much love, except for at me of course, before.” He grinned. Bowing slowly to her out of respect. She hit his head.
“Don’t act as if I were old.” She tutted playfully.
“Mum?”
She turned to you. “Yeah, sweetheart?”
“Thanks. For being there for me. You were.. you were just always there. For the darkest times, you shone through for me. It wasn’t easy.. and when Dad couldn’t be there..”
Yoongi looked away. His mind raced with the relationship with his own parents. This is how it was supposed to be..
Your mother grabbed him into a hug after you. “You take good care of her. I couldn’t be happier.”
You couldn’t help but beam as your overprotective mother got along well with Yoongi. You could already tell your dad loved him.
It seemed they couldn’t stay long enough.
But when they left, it seemed they were simultaneously replaced with Yoongi’s parents. They weren’t nearly as happy as your parents.
“Why would you be with this.. damaged girl?” His father demanded.
His mother scoffed. “Not only that. She’s dirty. So foul..”
Yoongi was upset. Probably rightfully. You heard what they were saying about you. However, when you looked at them, all you saw was two broken people. And that wasn’t easy to look at.
“Shut up!” Yoongi snapped, glaring daggers at them. “Y/n-”
You took hold of his hand. “I love your son. I know that’s probably not easy to accept. And you probably think there’s someone better for him out there. But there isn’t. Yoongi is my true love. And even if you try to pull us away, heck, even if fate tears us apart… my love for your son will never change.”
His mother sighed. “Whatever.”
As Yoongi begrudgingly said goodbye to his parents, you noticed the way his mother hesitated. Like she wanted to say something. Maybe apologise. Then she shut her door and they drove away.
“What about the future?”
You turned to your boyfriend. “The future?”
He nodded. His beautiful, bright eyes looking out across the scenery from the hilltop. “Like what do you want to do?”
“Like kids?” He nodded. “Well.. maybe. How many would you want?”
“Two maybe?”
You giggled. “What about 9?”
Yoongi slipped his arm around you. “It would be a bit of work.. but hell if we can’t try.” Giggling, you snuggled against him. Smelling his musky natural scent. It calmed you. Like a warming reassurance you could neither see nor hear.
“Marriage?” He whispered, words lost in the cold air. But you still heard them.
You relaxed further into his embrace. “It.. would be nice.”
“Maybe a Grammy?” Yoongi laughed.
You kissed his jawline. “They’ll be insane not to give you one.”
“I’d like to go to Australia.” He commented.
You laughed. “It’s hot there Yoongi. I hope you’ll prepare yourself for the heat.”
“It’s already too hot when I’m near you.”
With that you snorted, leaning back into him as he wrapped his arms around your torso in a full in back hug. “That’s too cheesy, even for you.”
He smiled, his gummy smile. “Aren’t you glad you’re here?”
Unable to resist, you kissed his lips quickly. “I’m glad I’m here with you.”
“That’s good, because I never want to leave you alone.”
You could hear the sincerity in his voice. It made you bubble with excitement. There was so much you could still do with him.
Yoongi set his head on your shoulder, lips grazing your ear. “It’s the best place in Seoul.” He murmured, right into your ear.
Feeling the warmth of his body on yours, you sighed happily. “It’s perfect. You can see the sun set over all of Seoul.”
“You’re perfect.” He whispered.
Smiling wider now, you placed a hand in his hair, ruffling it. “We’re perfect together.”
Warnings: Angst, mentions of rape, assault and PTSD. No graphic descriptions but still may be triggering. Smut in next chapter.
Words: 3.2k
You lay in your bed, staring up at the ceiling. Your debut song was playing in the background.
It was successful. The public loved you. And you were happy. The other girls were always so hardworking and excited to debut, it was hard not to get caught up in the euphoria.
Ji-Eun entered the room, pausing in the doorway to look at you. “Are you listening to Sonder again?”
You nodded.
She sighed, sitting down on the bed next to you.
“I don't need to talk right now, Ji.” You warned.
Smiling, she lay back on the bed with you. “I never said a word.”
Pressing play on your CD Player, your only elder in the dorm closed her eyes, relaxing next to you.
Emotions and thoughts swirled in your mind.
You had moved out of BTS’s dorm weeks ago. Now living with the girls in your group, you spent your time practising. Trying your best not to give yourself too much time to think, or any time to miss the seven members of BTS.
But right now, lying next to one of your closest friends, you knew the truth.
You missed them.
“I have the results of your wellness checks. Do you want to give these out, Jungkook?”
Jumping up to grab the papers, Jungkook’s eye caught on a picture of your group. He held it up.
“Hitman Bang?” Jungkook asked. “This was in the middle of the pile.”
Bang Shi Hyuk took the poster, smiling. “They're doing well, aren't they? Namjoon, your sister is very talented.”
Namjoon grinned. “Of course she is.”
“Smart too. I guess she has to be, to get that fancy psychology degree and all.”
Eyes wide, Namjoon blinked slowly. “U-uh? Degree? What Psychology Degree?”
“You didn't know?” Bang Shi Hyuk asked. When all seven boys shook their heads, he sighed. “Y/n has a Psychology degree. She even helped out with your mental health! Free of charge! She's a sweet girl.”
“I almost understand why she didn't tell me but you're her brother?” Yoongi asked.
Namjoon sighed. “I had no idea…”
“Why didn't she tell us?” Taehyung frowned, hurt evident on his face. But the hurt wasn't almost as obvious as Namjoon’s.
He was her brother. They were closer than anyone else was.
Why didn't she trust him?
“Is now a good time to talk?”
You looked up to see Ji-Eun standing at the foot of your bed, smiling as she offered you a milkshake.
“I guess. What do you want to talk about?”
Her dark eyes met yours. “You're unhappy. So I want to know what's wrong.”
You let out a large sigh. “I just.. Feel out of place, you know? You're all so carefree and happy… But I'm not.”
“Y/n that's not true-”
“Lots of stuff has happened to me.” Holding onto all restraint you concentrated your hardest to make sure your voice was steady. “I’ve not been happy… There have been times I just wanted to give up.”
You flinched, Ji-Eun reassuringly slipping her hand into yours. “It's okay Y/n. I'm here for you.”
In that moment you could’ve cried. You could’ve let yourself be vulnerable to her, lay everything in your past out to her. But you wouldn’t. She didn't deserve to have a weighted conscience. So, instead of telling her everything, you let her into the shallower depths of your trauma.
And finally, after an hour of soft sorrows and comfort, Ji-Eun finally spoke. “Y/n. I think I know what to do.”
Your eyes lit up. “What should I do, noona?”
“Do what feels right.” A warm smile spread across her face, showing you the comfort you often missed from other people. “What feels right to you?”
Taking a deep breath, you finally made your way downstairs, bags packed and heart racing.
“Hi... Girls..”
Heeyoung grabbed you into a hug. “You know we love you right?”
It hadn't been your plan to cry.
You had spent the last ten minutes in your room preparing yourself to stay strong. To keep a happy face.
But that plan was already ruined.
Feeling tears streaming down your face, you clasped onto her back. “I know.”
She pulled back, grinning widely. “Then you're free to move out. We’ll still see you at rehearsals?”
It was a question. She wasn't asking if you were going to show up at rehearsals. No. The question was ‘Are we still going to hang out like normal?’.
“I love you, girls, too.” You replied, embracing Luna then Baram. Finally noticing the emptiness of the room, you turned to Ji-Eun.
“Where's Aiko?”
Ji-Eun smiled. “She insisted that you had to drive back with her. She’s not going to take no for an answer.”
Feeling your heart warm, you smiled back. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
“So why are you going back exactly?” Baram asked.
“I… I miss my brother. I want to spend more time with him.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. Just not the whole truth.
Taking a deep breath, you entered the dorm. Immediately you could hear footsteps rushing downstairs.
“Y/n! You’re back! I missed you so much!”
Your brother crashed into you, hugging you tightly. “I’m so glad Bang PD gave you permission to move back with us!”
Abruptly you were yanked away from your brother, Taehyung and Jungkook grabbing you into a hug between them. “Thanks so much Y/n!”
“For what?” You asked Jungkook.
“Everything!” He laughed, stepping away as Hoseok and Jin approached. They both gave you short hugs, Hoseok squeezing tightly as he beamed at you.
Yoongi didn’t give you a long hug like the others, rather, he gave you a quick, polite hug that didn’t cross any boundaries.
His reassuring gummy smile immediately made you feel at ease, quickly fitting back into a place of comfort with the guys.
“We arranged a party for you, Y/n!”
You gasped. “A party? Tae, you didn’t have to!”
Jungkook frowned. “The party is not just from him! It’s from all of us!”
Turning to Namjoon, you raised an eyebrow. “Why wasn’t I told about a party? It’s not that big of a deal..”
Namjoon laughed. “Y/n, it’s been months since we’ve had time to meet up. We barely even talk. I guess we’re just both so busy nowadays. So, we want to celebrate seeing you again.”
This was why you had come back. There was nowhere else you felt more at ease, than with the seven members of BTS.
“Hey, my little baby?” Namjoon’s eyes were focusing on you, and you could feel the nerves building up inside of you.
“Uh.. yeah? What’s up?”
“I kinda know about your degree. Well.. we all do.”
Your heart rate sped up, nervously playing with your hands. You took a deep breath. “I-I.. I’m so-”
Namjoon shook his head, his kind eyes filling with even more warmth than you felt possible. “I’m not mad Y/n. None of us are… in fact. I’m really grateful for everything you’ve done for us. You’ve really helped us through the times where we felt as if there was no light left. As if we were conmans, fooling the world into believing we were okay when we weren’t. I’m-.. no. We’re happier with you.”
You could feel tears rolling down your cheeks, the stinging in your eyes forcing you to close them.
It was undeniable that your brother had a way with words. But the way he praised you… for what you felt was only the bare minimum. It filled you with a type of happiness you hadn’t experienced before.
“It’s just amazing knowing that you tried to help us.. and I guess I understand why you talked to us so often.” Hoseok said.
Jimin hesitated to speak, but finally did so regardless. “You did want to talk to us though, right? It wasn’t just part of a job or something..?”
Of course you’d thought they might react like this. You were glad they weren’t upset, but you didn’t want them to think you only played councillor to them as a sense of duty.
“No, Jimin. Of course not.. I mean.. At first maybe I was only doing it because of that and to help Namjoon. But after a while..I guess I wanted to help you all out. I really love you guys, with all my heart. I would do anything to help you.”
“Thank you..” Namjoon whispered.
As you left the living room to go to bed, Yoongi softly guided you against his frame. “Thank you so much for everything Y/n..”
You could feel your cheeks starting to flush red. “I… just wanted to protect you.”
He smiled, pressing a soft kiss against your forehead. “I’ll protect you, too.”
It was a typical day with Bangtan. You lay on the couch, watching a movie with five out of the seven boys. (Jungkook and Jin were busy…)
As far as movies go, it wasn’t half bad. You were uncontrollably giggling at some parts, and cringing for the protagonist at others. An all round good time.
Then it happened.
Intrusively, a scene flashed over the large screen of a girl being attacked by someone in the dark. The room lit up with your darkest horrors.
Feeling it all flooding back, the memories plastered centrefold in your mind. Your hands began shaking, throat fighting not to close up. You could feel your heart thumping faster than anything else, and the desire to throw up was uncontrollable.
Throwing yourself to your feet, you dashed out of the room, more than upset. You were almost in tears.
A knock on the door echoed slowly. “Y/n? Sweetheart, can I come in?”
Still shaking, you could do little more than yip out a small ‘yes’.
The door cracked open, and he slowly approached you. He took you against him, stroking your back. “Hush, hush. Breathe slowly.”
“I-I-I”
You wanted to say something. To apologise for ruining the movie. Or for being so hung up in the past. To apologise for anything you could.
But instead, Yoongi placed a finger on your lips. “Don’t apologise. It’s not your fault. It never was. You’re strong. You’re wonderful and amazing.”
His lips curled as he flashed his infamous gummy smile. “I care for you. A whole lot more than you could ever fully realise..”
Your heart beat had slowed while he spoke. The pure tone of his voice was enough to comfort you.
“I.. appreciate t-that. So much.”
He grinned. “I told you, I’ll protect you. Even if it’s from yourself. I needed people to protect me from myself in the past.. you’d know better than anyone.. I’ve never told anyone else...”
You slipped your hand under his chin, tilting his face closer to yours. He blinked. Then, without knowing who initiated it, you were kissing. Your lips curved perfectly against each other. The way they fit together embedded in your brain.
It was more than you thought you deserved. How could such a perfect person love.. you? But then you remembered. Everything he suffered through. All the trials he faced. The backlash from the smallest things.
You still cared for him, despite his brokenness. So why wouldn’t he still love you?
The door creaked open again and the others walked in, Namjoon in the lead. He explained that the others wanted to know, but he wouldn’t tell them. It wasn’t his secret. Once again, you felt the comfort of your brother's love wash over you.
“Y/n?” Taehyung grabbed you into a hug, the other two of the Maknae Line, Jungkook and Jimin slipping in on either side. They tried their best to make you smile.
Jin and Hobi doted on you for the rest of the night. Maybe it was their own special way of paying attention to you. By not asking what was wrong, rather, trying to fix the problem.
You were so loved..
More loved than you had ever felt in your life.
Pain makes the person, someone once said. Well, you guessed women were more powerful than any person could be.
Periods hurt.
Yours arrived just after sunset, resulting in you hurriedly rummaging through your supplies, only to find you had run out.
Wandering downstairs, you called out for Namjoon. Surely he could go get you some.
“Y/n? What’s up?” Taehyung asked, looking up from his phone from his routine spot on the couch.
“Where’s my brother?”
Taehyung frowned. “He’s been out for a while now. Maybe two hours? I don’t think he’ll be back for a while.”
“W-what?” You stuttered, eyes brimming with tears. You knew you were overreacting. But the hormones were making you more distressed than you could bear.
“Y/n? Can we talk for a second?”
Unable to refuse Yoongi, you followed him to your room. (He had set up a rule against you being allowed to be alone in his.)
“Are you okay? You’re acting a bit out of the ordinary.”
Hesitating to tell him, you looked away. “I-.. it’s nothing.”
Yoongi’s eyes took on a painful sheen. “Don’t you trust me? I want you to trust me, and if you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine too.”
“I don’t know if… if I could exactly tell you. How would you react..”
Yoongi took your hands in his. “It doesn’t matter what’s wrong. If you’ve killed someone, I’ll even help you bury the body.”
You giggled, unable to ignore his joke, even while your stomach felt as if it may rupture through your skin.
He raised an eyebrow. “I’m joking… or am I? I hope we won’t have to find out..”
Taking a deep breath, you confided in him.
“I can go get the things you want? I know you don’t want to go out..”
It wasn’t that you didn’t want to go out. You both knew that. He was trying to find a nice way of saying ‘I know your PTSD won’t let you go out at night’.
You hugged him. “Thanks so much!”
Even while he stroked your hair behind your ears, smiling, he could feel you weren’t okay. You were never able to take pain killers. Since you had been addicted before, it was too high of a risk to fall back into the old habits. Not that you would let yourself, but sometimes you didn’t have control.
It wasn’t just the physical side either. Your pain had clearly crossed over into an emotionally hurtful aspect.
“I’ll be back soon.”
He kissed your forehead, and with that, you were left alone in your room. Insides still imploding.
Yoongi stood in the convenience store, confused over what to buy. He didn’t want to go overboard. But if you were in pain, he wanted to help you feel better. Finally, he picked out a highly recommended heat pack, along with the supplies you’d asked for.
Seeing the total purchase amount, he smiled slowly. It was worth it, to him. No sum of money meant more to him than your comfort.
“Oh, sweetie.”
When he entered your room, you had just thrown up. It wasn’t pretty, but he pretended he wasn’t looking while he passed you a heated towel. He helped you into your bed, giving you the heat pack.
“Are you feeling better?” He asked.
You shuffled against him, head resting only centimetres away from his chest. “I am, thank you. I owe you.”
“You owe me, nothing.” He whispered.
It was hours later when Namjoon walked in to find you and Yoongi sleeping in your bed together. When the others had told him Y/n was looking for him, he was slightly worried, but nowhere as concerned as he was right now.
“Yoongi?” He gaped. “What the-”
Yoongi shushed him. “I didn’t do anything. I promise. She’s sick from her…” He paused, wondering if you would be okay with Namjoon knowing. But then, his mind took over from his heart. You shouldn’t have to feel ashamed of something you were born to have. Your period wasn’t something shameful. It was part of life.
“She’s on her period.” Yoongi finished.
“Oh.” Namjoon’s outrage deflated.
After a while, Taehyung and Jin stopped by to keep Namjoon and Yoongi company. The two of them waiting by your bedside while you slept. Taehyung brought snacks with him, the tempting aroma helping to bring you out of your sleep.
The first thing you saw when your eyes fluttered open was the four boys, laughing as they talked to each other.
Just seeing them smile took away a small amount of your pain. And that small amount meant a lot.
How do you act in a relationship? Why isn’t there a handbook on that? Actually, there probably is one. You just didn’t want to read it.
Yoongi was amazing. An amazing person, and an even more amazing boyfriend. But he was human too. He was only a young man, and you didn’t think he didn’t have any ideas on furthering the relationship.
He never said anything, of course. But you still wanted to know.
So, you waited until you were alone with him in the dorm.
Even though you approached him first, it didn’t prevent your shyness.
“I.. just want to say I get that you’re a person who can.. uh, manage yourself. But I want to..be with you. You’re a person and you have needs as well.”
He flushed red within seconds, mouth dropping open in surprise. “I.. I would never pressure you into something like that. I may be a man, but it doesn’t mean I need anything from you. It doesn’t mean you are required to satisfy me.”
You pushed your palm against his chest, feeling his heart face against your hand. “My.. my choice was taken from me. But now, right now, with you, I want to claim back my choice. I want to be with you. It’s my choice… and I choose you.”
Taking a deep breath, you were ready.
“Because I love you.”
His eyes widened, misty eyes filled with pure love. The words touched him deeply, warming his heart. “I-”
“You don’t need to say it back until you’re ready.” You reassured him.
Yoongi smiled, pulling you into a hug. “It’s not right, tonight. Baby, I appreciate you and what you’re saying so much. But tonight isn’t the right night for me to…” He coughed. “To give into my desires. I promise it’ll come soon enough. I won’t make you wait forever.”
You smiled into his shirt. “I would wait forever for you.”
Even though you spent so much time with the boys from BTS, you kept your promises to hang out with your own band. They all had a precious place in your heart.
You could feel your protectiveness slip out every time you were around them. Blocking sasaeng fan calls to their phones. Swatting away fans who jumped too close at the airports.
Cheering them up when they saw harmful comments wasn’t a chore for you. It was a blessing to say you could comfort them.
A bit like a mother bear.
No one was there for you in the past. When you were assaulted, there was no one to help you.
And they felt the love you had for them. They knew. Even when you didn’t live with them, you still cared for them. You would always look out for them.
Synopsis: When you meet Yoongi, the confident self described ‘bad boy’, you find your heart begging if to flutter. But will your best friend of years, Jimin, stand by and watch it happen? Or does he want you too...
Universe:idol universe (time doesn’t match up and songs aren’t released in the year they actually were.
Pairing: Reader, Jimin and Yoongi love triangle
Genres: Angst, Romance, Fluff, Possible smut in upcoming chapters
Warnings: Upcoming chapters will mention sexual assault, toxic friendships and gaslighting.
^_^…*3*
You had never thought of your best friend as attractive before. But as he stood in front of you, shirt off, eyes nervously large and cheeks red, not only from exercise.
“Y-Y/n! You’re here already!”
You nodded. Feeling your own face start to heat up, you mentally kicked yourself. He’s your best friend.
“Jimin! Who’s this?” Another shirtless boy exploded out of nowhere, grabbing on to Jimin’s shoulder. “Is this your girlfriend?”
“Best friend!” You and Jimin exclaimed.
The boy laughed. “Ah, Y/n, isn’t it? I’ve heard about you before! Jimin talks a lot about you!”
Your eyebrow raised. “A lot?”
Jimin’s face went a darker shade of crimson. “I-I don’t! He’s l-lying!”
The boy rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I’m Hoseok.”
You considered the boy, not failing to notice his eight pack that was painfully obvious with his lack of shirt. “Are you in Jimin’s dance class too?”
Hoseok laughed. “Darling, I teach the class.”
Jimin elbowed him in the arm. “No you don’t. You’re a student as well.”
His laughter ringing out across the hallway, Hoseok grabbed Jimin’s hand and began to lead him back into the room.
“I’m sorry Y/n, we won’t be a minute at all. Wait right there!”
You were about to protest, but as your mouth opened, Hoseok shut the door in your face.
You scowled.
“Y/n~” An unfamiliar voice sang out your name.
You looked up from your phone at the practice room door. “Uh? Jimin? Hoseok?”
“Y-yeah, Y/n?”
You breathed a sigh of relief when you heard Jimin’s voice. You were beginning to worry he had somehow abandoned you here. “You ready to go now?”
“T-The boys said you can come into the s-studio today.” Jimin yelled.
Considering it, you had been curious about the interior of that room for some time now. You had been waiting outside of it for Jimin for at least two years now.
Shrugging, you pushed open the door, walking inside hesitantly.
Hoseok and another boy were holding down Jimin on the floor. Another boy stood at the side of the room, not even batting an eye at the sight before him. Jimin’s big eyes were pleading right at you. You paused by the doorway.
“Jimin..?”
He went red as you raised an eyebrow at him. “Y/n! P-Please help me! They’re being weird!”
“Weird how?” You asked, as if you hadn’t just walked in on two practical strangers holding your best friend to the floor.
Jimin gave you an incredulous look. “They think-”
“You’re dating Jimin right? We’re gonna hold him down until he tells us the truth.” Hoseok explained.
You blinked. “What?”
Hoseok sighed, turning to Jimin, who was thrashing against their arms. “What if I give Jimin a kiss? That would be fine with you if you’re just friends, right~?”
Looking blankly into Jimin’s pleading eyes, you turned back to Hoseok. “Go ahead. I’m not a knight in shining armour.”
Throwing his hands in the air, Hoseok looked at you in dissatisfaction. Jimin jumped up from the ground, scurrying over to you.
“We really thought the two of you were dating.”
“Too bad for you, Jimin and I are just friends. And that’s all.”
Jimin nodded quickly. “I tried to tell you!”
The other boy who had been holding Jimin down looked you over. “Jimin she’s very pretty. I don’t see why you aren’t dating her.”
Cheeks burning red, you blinked gapingly at him. “U-um, thank you..?”
The boy smiled at you, bunny like teeth appearing. “I’m Jeon Jungkook. Call me Jungkook. You’re Jimin’s best friend right, Y/n Kim was it?”
He offered his hand out to you, and you beamed, shaking his hand.
You noticed his hand was slightly shaking, his eyes unfocused. As if he was nervous.
You couldn’t see why he would be nervous though. If anything, you were nervous being so close to him. Despite his boyish smile and radiance, he was rippling in muscles.
“How did you know my name though?” You asked, snapping yourself out of your daze.
The boy on his phone threw his arm over Jimin’ shoulder, who was standing just behind you. “This idiot talks about you all the time!”
Jimin pulled the boy's arm off his shoulder. “Yah! I don’t talk about her all the time!”
“Liar.” The boy huffed. He turned his boxy smile on you. “I’m Kim Taehyung, by the way.”
“Nice to meet you Taehyung.” Looking at him, you didn’t fail to notice how well built he was, his jawline sculpted as if by the gods. “So Jimin talks about me lots?”
“I don’t!” Jimin whined.
Hoseok laughed. “Sure.”
“We believe you.” Taehyung nodded, a cheeky grin still on his face.
“Didn’t you say that she-” Jungkook began.
Jimin slapped his hand over Jungkook’s mouth. “No, I didn’t. You idiot.”
You rolled your eyes. “You’re all idiots.”
“Even me?” Hoseok gasped.
You burst into laughter. After a few seconds of laughing, you took a deep breath and looked at the four boys. “Is this all of your dance class?”
Jimin nodded quickly. A little too quickly.
“You liar.” Hoseok puffed.
Taehyung held up three fingers in front of you. You took a second to look over his well-shaped hands, long fingers and a strong grip.
“Three. Three others.”
Tearing your eyes from his hands, you turned to Jimin. “Who else?”
“You’ll meet them soon enough.” Jungkook said.
You raised an eyebrow at him, turning to face Jimin. He shrugged apologetically. “Sorry Y/n. The guys wanted to throw a party tomorrow and I said I would go.”
You blinked, confused. Jimin had already promised to come to your house tomorrow to study. And promises are promises.
Jimin saw your reaction. He quickly reached for your hand, gripping it with his. “I’m really sorry Y/n. We can study tonight instead. Please say you’ll come to the party tomorrow?”
“Me?” You asked. “Why would I need to go?”
“I want you to go!” Hoseok interrupted. “I think it would be fun to get to know you!”
You blushed slightly. “I guess I can go then… will there be any alcohol?”
The boys, except for Jimin, laughed.
“Straight away! There might be though. Are you even old enough to drink?”
“I’m 18 in three days' time!”
You heard Jungkook swear softly under his breath. You looked over at him. “Jungkook? What’s wrong?”
“You’re older than me.”
You couldn’t help your surprise, and your eyes widened. “Wait really? You’re so much taller than me though!”
Jimin scoffed. “He’s not that tall. You’re just really short.”
You rolled your eyes, choosing to ignore him. “So how old are you guys?”
“17.” Jungkook huffed.
Taehyung, holding a ‘v’ sign over his face, grinned. “18, the same as Jimin.”
“19!” Hoseok finished.
Curiosity growing over the mysterious three boys, you couldn’t help but ask. “How old are the others?”
Jungkook raised a mischievous eyebrow, winking at you. “You’ll find out tomorrow.”
“Speaking of tomorrow, where is this party?
Jimin smiled at you. “It’s okay Y/n. I’ll pick you up from your house.
“Pick me up too!”
“And me!”
“Me too!”
Jimin let out a loud groan. “Jungkook you can’t even drink. Why would you need a lift?”
Jungkook opted not to answer, instead he puffed a lock of hair away from his eyes.
“I'm not a lightweight, so I don’t even need to be picked up.
Jungkook looked questioningly at you. “But Y/n, aren’t you too young to drink as well?”
You shrugged. “I’m almost 18 anyway. It’s not a big deal. Anyway, it’s not like I’ve never had a drink before.”
Jimin gaped at you. “When have you ever had alcohol?”
Shuffling your feet, you smiled sheepishly at him. “Well remember that time you came over for a sleepover and you had a drink bottle there?”
“Y/n don’t you dare tell me-”
“I thought it was water and had a drink before I realised.” You finished.
He pouted, frowning at you. “Y/n you shouldn’t have.”
“Well you didn’t notice!” You laughed.
The other boys laughed as well, while Jimin muttered under his breath.
“Anyway, Y/n and I need to get going. I’ll pick you guys up around 8. Is that ok?”
Hoseok nodded. “I’ll see you later then sweetheart?”
Jimin frowned. “Hoseok-”
“I meant you!” He laughed. “Jimin I meant you, you big sweetheart.”
Hoseok reached his hand out to you for a parting handshake. Instead, you pulled him into a hug, surprising him. “Bye bye sunshine boy.”
To your relief, Hoseok not only accepted the hug, but hugged you back.
You had only just met him, but you felt comforted by him. He had a smile that calmed you.
“What about us?” Taehyung complained.
You stepped away from Hoseok, giving a quick kiss on the cheek to both Taehyung and Jungkook, who went promptly red.
“Can't wait to see you guys tomorrow! See you later!” You beamed, grabbing Jimin’s hand as you skipped out of the room, dragging Jimin behind you.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were friends with such good looking guys? They all look like idols for goodness sake!”
Jimin flinched slightly. But within seconds, he was turning to you, smirking. “And I’m not handsome?”
Just as the word ‘no’ appeared on the tip of your tongue, you remembered what he had looked like earlier. With his shirt off and sweat brimming on his face, it was safe to say he looked a little handsome.
“Uh, you wish?”
Jimin laughed triumphantly. “You hesitated before saying that!
You rolled your eyes at him. “Whatever, keep dreaming.”
Jimin frowned. You began to lightheartedly bicker with Jimin, laughing at each other the whole walk home.
Your school was far away, and near Jimin’s dance studio. Far enough that you had to take a bus. Jimin lived only a few blocks from you, so you would meet up every day before school and take the bus together.
Arriving at your house, you took a deep breath. Finally, you cracked open the door. “mom, I’m home!”
“Y/n! You’re finally home! I was wondering since you took longer than normal-”
Entering the living room where your mom sat at the dining table, she looked up from her computer to see Jimin. “Oh! Jimin you’re here too!”
“Yes Ms Kim. I hope I’m not intruding at all.”
Your mom waved him off, turning back to focus on her computer. “Our house is your house too Jimin.”
Jimin smiled politely. “I was wondering if Y/n and I could go to a party tomorrow? I promise I’ll take care of her and drop her back before 12pm.”
She smiled, even though she didn’t take her eyes away from her computer screen. “Of course Jimin! You honestly don’t even have to ask! You’re like a second son to me-”
You silenced your mom with a glare. Clearing her throat, she nervously looked down at her computer again. She knew you hated talking about your brother. It made you feel like crying. And you hated crying. Especially in front of other people. And never in front of Jimin.
“Thanks Ms Kim!” Jimin quickly said, trying to break the obvious tension. “I’ll pick her up at 8 and drop her back off at 11.”
She frowned. “No Jimin honey, that won’t work. I won’t be home tomorrow night. Could she stay with you tomorrow? I was going to ask your parents anyway but I guess this is quicker.”
Jimin hesitated. Finally he let out a small sigh. “O-of course she can-..”
You intercepted before your mother could reply. “Why won’t you be home? Where will you be instead?”
“I have to attend a conference in Seoul. I’ll be back by Wednesday.”
You couldn’t say you were surprised, but you still felt a throb in your heart.
Your mother owned a large company— meaning she made lots of money, but spent a lot of time working. Sure, at the end of the day you were rich, but you were lonely. You craved her attention.
“Mom! It’s Friday!” You snapped, trying your hardest to keep the pain from voice.
“I’m really sorry sweetheart, there’s nothing I can do.”
“But what about my bir-”
You stopped yourself.
Did your mother even remember it was your birthday? And would she leave for the conference regardless? It didn’t matter.
“O-oh. Nevermind. It’s okay.”
She gave you a warm smile. “I’m glad you understand sweetheart. I’ll be leaving at Midday tomorrow.”
Moving to the staircase, you didn’t look back at your mom. “Okay, that’s fine. Let’s go Chim.”
He bowed slightly to your mother. “It’s always a pleasure seeing you, Ms Kim.”
You grabbed Jimin’s hand and dragged him up the stairs to your room. It was a large room, like most of the expensive things in your life. But it was very, very empty.
The sole ornaments were a piano in one corner, bookshelves lining the walls, a bed and countless plushies.
You heaved yourself down onto the carpet, patting the space next to you for Jimin to sit.
He eased himself down, watching quietly as you grabbed out the textbooks.
“When are you going to talk about Suho?” He asked.
You looked away. It was a touchy subject between you too. “I don’t know.”
“It’s fine, I won’t pressure you.”
You smiled at him. This is why you were so close to Jimin, why he was your best friend. Why he meant so much to you.
“I’m sorry for lying earlier.”
“What?” Jimin asked.
“When you asked if you were handsome… you are, really.”
Jimin’s cheeks flushed red. However you didn’t look up from the textbook.
You let out a laugh. “Honestly, you looked like an idol. You’re really handsome and you’re muscular too.”
“Y-Y/n…”
You finally looked up at him and giggled. “Sorry Jimin, didn’t mean to make it awkward.”
He scratched his neck awkwardly. “W-well Y/n I think you’re very g-good looking too.”
It was your turn to blush, and you looked away from him. “You’re just saying that Jimin.”
He sighed. “No Y/n. You should have more confidence in yourself. You’re good looking and you’re smart. And one of the kindest people I’ve met.”
Glancing over at him, he seemed to be more nervous than you were. “Thanks Jimin…I don’t know why but I’m so nervous...”
Jimin looked at his hands. “Y-Y/n…”
You turned to him, slowly creeping forwards until your face was centimetres from his.
“I…”
Looking into his wide eyes, you slowly sat back down.
After a moment of silence, you let out a sigh. “Jimin, I’m sorry. I was thinking about Suho and then I started thinking about Mark,” You gripped your own shoulders, hugging yourself tight. “I don’t know why but I just wanted to be closer to you and I wasn’t thinking… I didn’t mean to, Jimin.”
Responding with a tired smile, Jimin nodded. “It’s okay Y/n. We all make mistakes.”
“Y-yeah. Mistakes.”
Jimin heaved to his feet. “Sorry, Y/n, I don't think we should study together tonight.”
You stood up after him, grabbing at his shirt sleeve. “Jimin I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable! I was in some kind of daze but I still shouldn’t have done it and-”
He grabbed your shoulders, looking into your eyes. “It’s okay. I said it was okay already. I just think you’re not feeling so good right now. You need to rest. I’ll tell your mom that you’re too tired to study. Have a rest. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay Y/n?”
Reluctantly, you let go of his sleeve. “Goodnight Jimin.”
His eyes crinkled, smiling widely at you. He bent down, further to your height. Pressing his soft lips against your cheek, he stepped back. “Goodnight Y/n.”
As soon as you heard your door click shut, you flopped down onto your bed.
Did you just mess up your friendship with Jimin? Not only was it your most important friendship— it was your only friendship now.
You fell asleep. Words of doubt and anxiety swirling around in your mind.
Is love at first sight possible? When I look into his eyes, I want to believe that. But the demons crawling beneath his skin could overwhel me at any second.
How about when you've know someone for years? When they've seen you at your lowest? Isn't that stronger than the instant attraction? But is the love I feel for him friendship or something more?
Why is it all feel so confusing?
All I know is I can do this by myself.
I don't need you to fight for me!
Release Date: 6th of December 2020
This will be a rewrite of my first ever fanfiction, which was published on Wattpad at the start of this year. Don't Fight For Me! Is a love triangle between Y/n, her best friend Jimin and the mysterious Yoongi.
Synopsis: Y/n is an Idol Trainee under the same company as her big brother- Kim Namjoon. But there’s more to her than her angelic voice.
Universe: idol!bts, idol!reader, reader is Namjoon's sister.
Warnings: Angst, mentions of drug abuse/addiction, mentions of suicidal thoughts, depression, abuse, sexual assault, violence.
A/N: This is a request! Requested by @deereadeer Sorry this took so long!
~ (reader discretion is recommended) ~
Betraying the darkest parts of your heart to strangers was definitely something you wouldn’t recommend. Heart in your throat, you looked across at the judges. The founder of the company had his eyebrow raised, as if asking if you were going to do anything.
Taking a deep breath, you summoned every ounce of your courage and opened your mouth.
As you begin to sing, you feel everyone’s eyes fixed on you. You don’t pay attention to that, only to the thumping feeling of your racing heart.
You close your eyes, putting all the emotion you can manage without breaking down, into your voice.
Suddenly the room around you faded, you saw your darkest fears, the ones you could never talk to someone about. Your worst memories.
Walking through the lush park that you could no longer stomach to see, the gentle air playing with locks of your hair. The three men, strangers to you, who now haunted your nightmares regardless, had come out of nowhere, the darkness around them betraying the darkness of their hearts. And when it was over, they slunk back to nowhere.
You had only been two blocks away from your house.
You were almost home.
But you weren’t.
The frightful attack was just the start of your mentally declining slope. Drugs, alcohol. They became your only comforts. The only thing helping you cope. The shame surrounding your use of them was apparent to only you. No one else knew of your pain. Not even your best friends.
The real saving light to your turmoil came, maybe not when you desperately wanted it to, but it came nonetheless.
Your parents.
Of course you knew that your trusting, caring parents would have never imagined the spiral you had fallen into.
But they tried their best to comfort you regardless. You saw the shame in their eyes though, they couldn’t hide that. Their shame didn’t change the fact they loved you.
You knew that they loved you.
So when they told you to go to rehab, you went willingly. They had to know what was best for you. Because you sure as hell didn’t.
Your eyes slowly trailed up to the judges, resisting the urge to wipe your eyes, unsure of if there were even tears in them.
The judges all had straight faces. For a second your heart sunk.
Maybe you just weren’t good enough.
Was your best not good enough?
The female judge was the first to crack. She turned away and her shoulders began shaking, her hands shooting up to her face. Sobs were torn from her mouth, none too quietly.
The CEO, Bang Shi Hyuk or better known as PD Nim, wasn’t crying or staring almost blankly at you. He was smiling.
“Thank you for auditioning, we’ll get back to you if you’ve made it through.” He stated, voice a little quieter than normal. “You remind me of someone.”
You blinked.
He sighed, realising that you wanted to know who he meant. “You remind me of RM, from BTS. You both speak well and have heartfelt lyrics.”
It was your turn to smile, a sense of pride washing over you. “He’s my brother.”
The judges gasped quietly, the crying woman’s eyes widening. “Why didn’t you tell us beforehand? We would’ve marked you better!”
You shuffled on your feet, fingers playing with each other. “Well…I guess… I..”
“I think Kim Y/n means that she didn’t want to use her brother to make it through the auditions.” Bang Shi Hyuk said, smiling kindly at you.
You nodded vigorously. “Yeah. I want to do it for myself. Not cheat my way through…”
The woman stood up, face contorted somewhere between disbelief and anger. “What if you don’t make it through? Wouldn’t that be worse on your reputation? It wouldn’t even be cheating, it would just be an advantage!”
“I want to do this myself. I’m sure I can.”
Bang Shi Hyuk nodded. “We have your details and contact information. The period of call backs is one to two weeks. Thank you. Goodbye.”
-✥-
“Namjoon’s really good at rapping.”
You were lying on the floor of the practice room at Big Hit Entertainment with five other girls. Not just any girls. These girls were insanely talented— and also the only female idol trainees signed under the same company as the Kpop sensation, BTS, the band your brother was in. You six girls were kind of special in that sense.
“Yeah I know.” You replied, not trying to hide the pride in your voice.
“How come you aren’t good at rapping then?” Aiko asked, her dark eyes fixated on the tv mounted on the wall. You rolled your eyes when you saw that her eyes were solely on your brother. You still weren’t used to the whole ‘worldwide famous brother’ thing.
“Just because my brother is a good rapper doesn’t mean I am too.”
Heeyoung laughed. “Yeah but how can you not even drop a beat?”
Heeyoung was the main rapper in the group, so you weren’t surprised to hear this from her.
“I’m a singer, not a rapper.” You replied.
Ji-Eun smiled softly. Her smile was a welcoming thing to you. She normally was quiet, didn’t smile much and wasn’t very opinionated— a real peacekeeper. When she spoke, she spoke with pure honesty. You had never seen her lie before, at least, not successfully.
“You’re the best singer I’ve ever heard. Better than all those professional singers out there.”
You went red. “J-Ji! You can’t say that!”
Aiko shook her head. “No, she’s right. You’re a real natural talent. Probably even better than Jungkook.”
Your eyes widened. “J-Jungkook? He’s a senior to us! You can’t insult him like that!”
“Y/n, it’s a compliment to you.” Aiko scoffed, no malice in her voice.
“B-but-!”
A tinkling laugh filled the room and you turned to the source. The lead dancer of your group was grinning up from her phone. “Y/n, you really can’t accept compliments can you?”
“I can accept compliments just fine Luna.” You pouted.
Luna shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe just not in front of us.”
“Baram has no problem accepting compliments. I guess she should do our acceptance speeches.” Aiko stated.
Baram looked up from her phones. Baram smirked instantly. “No, that won’t work. Our modest leader shall accept everything.”
“Accept what?” Luna laughed. “We haven’t even debuted yet!”
Aiko jumped up, thrusting her fist into the air. “Yeah, but I know we’ll do well! Just like BTS! Just like TXT!”
“Yeah but BTS is mainly vocalists. We have two vocals.”
Everyone’s eyes drifted to Baram. She was a known overthinker. Ji-Eun quickly came to the rescue though. “Doesn’t matter. We’ve got some of the best dancers I’ve ever known! We’ll rock the industry to their core.”
You grinned. If anyone could energise your group, it was definitely Ji-Eun. “On three! UT-Opia!”
“UT-Opia!”
-✥-
You sat down in your dormitory, ignoring the fact that Aiko was sleeping, quite loudly, in your own bed. You rolled your eyes, throwing a blanket over her and turning on your camera.
You smiled warmly into the camera. “Welcome back, Blisses! I’m Y/n, the leader and main singer of UT-Opia! Today I’ll be talking about the song writing process! First I think of what the song will be about. Normally two themes: Love or sadness. I’m feeling pretty happy right now, so I’ll write about love.”
You talked for maybe five minutes before signing off and turning off the camera. You sighed in relief. Now all you had to do was your afternoon workout, and you would be done for the day.
Aiko stirred from under the blanket. “Oh. Hey Y/n.”
Walking over to her, you smiled lovingly. As much as you loved all the girls equally, you had a soft spot for the maknae, Aiko.
“Hey Aiko.”
She looked over at where your camera was set up, sheets of music and note paper discarded messily. Her brow creased. “Were you filming a daily vlog?”
You nodded.
“Don’t overwork yourself.” She warned.
You laughed unintentionally at this. Here she was, so exhausted from her daily life that she had collapsed into your bed, and slept for who knows how long. And she was telling you to take a break.
“I’m fine Aiko. You, however, look tired. Please sleep well. I’ll wake you when we need to practice.”
Her head immediately fell into the blanket again. “Thanks Y/n.”
You shared a room with Ji-Eun, which you never used. Really, it was more a gesture than anything useful.
You carefully pried open the front door to your actual dorm, being as silent as possible.
“Y/n! You’re back!”
Your brother greeted you with a hug and you couldn’t help but fall into his warm embrace. He smiled at you.
“Where were you? I hope you weren’t practicing all day..”
You grinned and pulled him into another quick hug. “No more than I need to.”
Namjoon sighed. He rustled his short blue hair and eyed your own dyed hair. “Honestly, at this point do we even look like siblings?”
“The price of fame.” You quipped. He laughed slightly.
“The price of keeping your fans happy.”
You turned to him, setting down the cup of coffee you had just begun to make. You studied him with care, studying him for any of his normal nervous habits. But no, he was standing calm and still.
“Don’t you enjoy making your fans happy anymore?”
He looked up from his own cup. He shook his head. “I do. I love making them happy. In fact, they make me happy.”
“I wonder if I’ll be as happy.”
The words came out without any intention to. Your thoughts had somehow managed to scramble themselves and now your older brother was looking at you, bright eyes unable to mask their sympathy.
“I’m sure you’ll be just as successful—if not more. And I’ll always make sure you’re happy.”
You sucked in a breath. “Always?”
“When have I ever not been here for you?”
You didn’t answer his question, knowing if you lied he may be able to tell, somehow. Instead you just nodded, smiled slightly awkwardly.
A gush of breeze raced past you, so fast you couldn’t even see what it was. Well, not really. As sneaky as Taehyung thought himself, the young man from your brother's group was actually not very good at unnoticed movements. In fact it had only taken two days of living with him to know his lying habits, exactly how fake his smile was, and what he did when he was tired. A lot of the time, it was the latter. He never seemed to get a full night's sleep. Often he would knock on your door and you would get out of bed and follow him out onto the deck. Together you would sit in silence, just gazing at the stars.
“Y/n! You hard worker! I’m glad you’re back!”
You smiled at the younger man and brought him in to you for a brief hug. “Ah, I should be saying that to you guys. Promoting a new album is making your schedules busy, eh?”
Namjoon sighed loudly. “It’s hard.” He saw your slightly disappointed face and hurried to correct himself. “It’s always worth it though.”
“Mm. I’ll wait until I see the worth.”
You breath hitched. Min Yoongi, the second oldest in your brothers group, had entered the room. He scratched his neck slowly, eyes trailing to each person's present face. He looked away before he got to you though.
“Oh Yoongi give her some hope.” Taehyung complained.
Yoongi shrugged. “It’s true. I’m just tired right now. Where’s the cereal?”
“Grandpa, it’s 10 at night.” Namjoon groaned.
Yoongi’s upper lip curled downwards in something that resembled disgust. “What’s wrong with cereal at night?” His frown deepened. “And don’t call me grandpa.”
Namjoon rolled his eyes. “Whatever. How’s your practice going anyway?”
Realising this was directed at you, you looked up into your brothers strong eyes. “I think we’re pretty good! Almost as good as you guys!” You teased.
Namjoon laughed. “I wouldn’t be surprised. You girls are very talented. All we have really is years of work and a massive fan base backing our every move.”
Your eyebrows fell. “We haven’t even debuted yet. Of course we aren’t that successful.”
“You guys still do daily vlogs right?” Taehyung asked.
“Yeah Y/n did one this morning.”
Turning to Yoongi, your heart caught slightly. “D-did you watch it?”
He nodded. “It was good. I like the way you write your music. It’s very deep.”
Your heart began pounding, not because of the butterflies catching at the fact that he had been watching you, but now because he had seen you so invested in your music. It almost felt as if you were ripping out pages of a diary you had kept for years and giving it to him to read through.
“Too bad you didn’t do any singing though.”
“I haven’t heard you sing— really sing, I’m so long Y/n.” Namjoon jumped in. “Do you think you could sing for me at some point.”
“Me too!” Taehyung jumped in, reminding you that he was still there.
“Maybe later?” You squeaked.
Namjoon’s eyes narrowed. “That’s fine. I think you should go to bed.”
You sighed. Of course Namjoon had noticed the sleep bags under your eyes. He was too perceptible for his own good sometimes.
“I will. I just need to talk with Jungkook first.”
The three boys nodded. It had become a regular thing, you talking to each of the boys in private every few days. They just assumed that it was for some type of mentoring purposes, as the things you asked about were always vague. But your conversations always turned to a more emotional route.
Because you weren’t there only for their tutoring and mentoring.
-✥-
“Jungkook sunbae?”
“Come in.”
You slowly opened his door, walking in quietly. He was slouched on the floor against his wall, phone in hand. He looked up at you and grinned.
“Hey Y/n. Nice to see you. And for the hundredth time, just call me Jungkook. You’re older than me for goodness sake.”
You laughed, sliding down next to him. “But you have so much more experience than me. It doesn’t feel right addressing you so casually.”
“You’ve been living here for two whole years now. I think we’re pretty good friends at this point.”
“You guys have really blown up over two years.”
He turned off his phone, throwing it and landing it perfectly onto his bed. “And you guys have gotten a lot better at dancing— which to be honest, is astounding seeing how good you were to start with.”
“And your mental health has gotten so much better.”
“It’s only thanks to you.”
You smiled. “I’m glad I can do anything to help you. You didn’t need much helping really, just a gentle push in the right direction. You’ve been strong since I’ve known you.”
“You as well.” Jungkook responded earnestly. “You were really reluctant to move in with us at first.”
A laugh filled the room. “Well you should expect that— A 23 year old moving in with a bunch of men.”
Jungkook shrugged. “I moved in with a bunch of teenagers and young men when I was only young. I guess I had very different experiences to other people.” He looked down at the tattoos running all along the skin of his hands. The word ‘ARMY’ spelt out of his group members' names. “I guess some of those experiences were good though.”
A warm smile washed over your face, lighting up your eyes.
Jungkook was right.
Some experiences were different— and they weren’t all enjoyable.
But some of them were good.
“I’m really glad I came here. Even if I didn’t really want to at first. I’ve learnt so much from you guys. I think I’ve grown a lot more too.”
Jungkook chuckled, ready to poke fun at you after your shared emotional moment. “I hope you don’t mean in height, because that certainly isn’t true.”
You rolled your eyes, shoving him slightly as you got up.
He looked slightly crestfallen as you began to exit his room. “Wait I didn’t mean to offend you!”
You giggled. “And you didn’t. I just need to go to bed. I’m tired, Kook.”
A bright grin washed over his face, white teeth popping out in a bunny like expression. “You called me Kook!”
You paused in his doorway. “No..”
Bolting towards, and before you could react he had his arms wrapped around you tightly.
This felt sickeningly similar.
The feeling of being deprived of air.
The world turned to pure black.
“Y/n?”
You blinked.
Right. That was just your memories. This was the present.
And there was no reason for you to be afraid.
Grabbing at Jungkook’s back you found your chin resting on his shoulder. He fidgeted, clearly surprised that you had returned his gesture.
“Yeah I called you Kook. Goodnight, Jungkook. Sleep well.”
He pulled back, even though you were his noona, a few years older than him even, he still stood a large majority taller than yourself. He leant down to press a light kiss onto your forehead. A brotherly action.
You pulled him into another hug quickly before running out of his room, trying in vain to hide your beaming face.
-✥-
“They’re coming over here? Them!” Aiko squealed, not even trying to conceal her inner fangirl.
“Yeah. And one of ‘them’ is my older brother.” You eyed up Aiko’s bouncy stage. “Don’t make it weird.”
Aiko huffed, placing her hands onto her hips, staring at you with a sassy pout. “I've never made things weird.”
Luna jumped up, feeding off Aiko’s overexcited energy. “We can introduce ourselves as a group right? That’ll be so cool! Using our stage names too!”
“You don’t even have a stage name.” Heeyoung pointed out.
Luna thrust a hand at herself dramatically. “My name is so beautiful I need no stage name.”
“Girls! Get ready, they’ve just arrived.” Your manager said offhandedly, obviously not grasping the weight of the rest of your group getting to perform in front of the most famous band in the world.
You all jumped up, standing in a line in front of the door, a few metres back so as to not scare the poor boys.
The door clicked open and a bodyguard stepped inside. He looked around, then stepping forwards and aside, he cleared the way for the tall man behind him to enter.
Your brother smiled softly at you as the rest of the group filed inside slowly. You could hear Aiko practically buzzing when Jimin stepped inside.
“2! 3! Bangtan. Hello, we’re BTS!”
“We know.” Ji-Eun muttered and you had to bite your tongue to suppress a laugh.
You stepped forward, taking in a breath. “Hello! We are UT-Opia!”
At the end for UT-Opia, the other girls joined in so it came out as a chorus.
Your manager waved his hand as if this wasn’t necessary at all. It probably wasn’t, but it made you feel professional.
“Introduce yourselves girls. I’m sure the boys don’t need to.”
Ji-Eun raised her hand. “Manager, I’m sure I’ve told you, I don’t know BTS well at all.”
You giggled. Ji-Eun was ever blunt and honest. Your manager didn’t see this as a virtue though, and hung his face in his hands.
“It’s fine. Hi! I’m RM, rapper and leader of BTS.”
The following six members introduced themselves, to which Ji-Eun noticeably didn’t pay much attention to. Realising it was finally your turn, you took a deep breath, mustering your fleeting courage.
“I’m Y/n of UT-Opia. I'm the main vocalist and the leader.”
“I’m K.” Ji-Eun tried dismally to put any emotion into saying her stage name. “I'm the lead rapper and the oldest.”
“Hey! I’m Luna, lead dancer!” Luna accentuated the words ‘lead dancer’ with a flip of her dyed blonde hair.
“I’m Gem and I’m a main dancer.” Baram looked almost starstruck to be talking to BTS. She was normally overly confident and self certain, but right now she looked quite awed.
“I’m Cinnamon, it’s a stage name do not worry, and I’m a main dancer but I prefer the title of-”
Manager tapped his watch. Heeyoung smiled sympathetically at him, but regardless continued her speech. “I’m main dancer but I prefer the title of main rapper.” She looked down at her purple button up shirt and dark tracksuits that somehow looked fashionable. “I’m not as good at dancing as I am at styling.”
You could’ve sworn you heard Manager groan at her final wordings.
“I’m Aiko. I’m the youngest and I’m a sub vocal and also a dancer and sub rapper!”
Manager breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness that’s over. Girls do you have a song you could perform, you know, to show what you can do? The boys can give some pointers or something.”
He looked down hurriedly at his watch. “I’m late to a meeting. Thank you BTS for coming. Please take care of them.”
As soon as the uptight man rushed from the room, Yoongi dropped onto the ground along with Jimin, and on the other end of the room, Heeyoung.
“Let’s get rid of the formalities, alright?” Yoongi asked.
You nodded. “Ji-Eun, their names are Namjoon, Seokjin, Hoseok, Yoongi, Taehyung and Jungkook, alright?”
She frowned. “I would’ve addressed them by their hair colours if I didn’t know.”
“But unnie-” You began.
Hoseok cut you off with a laugh. “Sorry Y/n for interrupting. Just K has such a lack of care. It’s quite honestly refreshing when everyone treats you like kings of some kind.”
“My name isn’t actually K.” Ji-Eun pointed out. “It’s Ji-Eun. Call me Ji.”
“I’m Baram.” Gem added.
You noticed the boy's eyes trail to Heeyoung. She didn’t comply.
“I’m just Cinnamon. It’s my birth name.”
“Her name is Heeyoung.” You said, grinning at her.
She rolled her eyes. “And the air of mystery is gone.”
“So what are you guys gonna perform?” Yoongi asked, eager to hear you sing.
You fiddled with your fingers. “We’re a mainly dance focused group, should we dance?”
“I want to hear you sing though.” Yoongi replied, not enforcing, but softly so he sounded as if he were reassuring you.
“Well.. I-” You begun.
Heeyoung leapt to her feet. “Well? Cmon! Let’s do that song!”
“Heeyoung and Aiko dragged you to your feet. “It’s a good song too!”
“I dunno.” You whispered.
Ji-Eun looked deep into your eyes. “There’s no harm in trying.”
And with that, you were in the middle of the room, a microphone in hand and the rest of your group spread around you.
Aiko pressed the player, turning on a quiet piano track you could remember sitting down and playing to record. It had been emotional by yourself, how would it be with people with you?
You took a deep breath.
No harm in trying.
Focusing on your voice instead of their reactions, you closed your eyes. As the words to your song left your lips, your mind wasn’t in the practice room. You were racing through all your bad memories.
And there was a light at the end of the foggy tunnel of pain.
A way out.
The last time Namjoon had heard you sing was before he went to audition for Bighit Entertainment. A long time ago. You had been just goofing around with him, he was rapping to the song and you were singing. He had showered you with compliments over your voice after that.
Would he still like your voice?
Your eyelids fluttered open. Ji-Eun, Heeyoung, Aiko and Baram were all moving rhythmically around you, moving with the music. Luna was dancing beside you in a smooth flowing form of actions. It wasn’t the normal hip hop or pop dancing she normally did. This was a more sorrow filled format. Her movements were lucid. She noticed you watching and made her way over to you. Her palm drew across your face, sliding your eyelids shut.
Only when you felt the moisture on her palm slide across your face did you realise you were crying. So much emotion was being poured into your voice that you hadn’t kept a tight enough lid on how you were acting physically.
You didn’t make the motion to wipe off your tears though.
The tears, the pain— they were part of your song.
Part of your life.
As the song drew to a close, your eyes opened again to see the astounded faces of the members of BTS. Yoongi’s eyes were wide and it seemed as if there was a slight sheen to them, a small amount of moisture. Hoseok, Jimin and Jin all looked amazed, and slightly guilty that you were crying. Jungkook and Taehyung were both blinking back tears. They had needed you a lot more than the others in your years of helping them with their mental health and hated seeing you upset.
The boys all had the same look of adoration and amazement plastered onto their faces. They were blown away by your voice, your emotion. By you.
Your brother was astounded though. A wave of emotions seemed to be rippling through his expressions all at once. It was a relief to hear your sweet voice once again, lifting and filling up the room as you sing your heart out. Pride overwhelmed him.
He was proud of you, of your voice. Of your emotions.
You fetched some drink bottles and took the chance to dry your eyes, handing a bottle to each member of your group.
“That was a really good song.” Yoongi noted. “The piano was superb as well. The lyrics.. they were really deep and heartfelt.
Aiko smiled. “That’s our Y/n writing and playing that song!”
Namjoon blinked slowly. “You wrote that song?”
“Y-yeah.” You gulped. Maybe he didn’t like it after all. “It’s not very good but-“
“Are you kidding me?” Namjoon yelped. “It was so good! The lyrics were so deep as Yoongi said! I can’t believe you’re such a good writer!”
You flushed a shade of crimson. “I-I-I thank you.”
“What is…” Yoongi’s voice trailed off. He peered at the moisture still in your reddened eyes. “Never mind.”
You flashed an okay-then smile at him and turned back to listen to how Hoseok and Jimin were critiquing their dancing— even though they would be the first to admit there was hardly anything to criticize. Jungkook began talking to you about some singing tips and you immersed yourself back into real life again. Pulling your mind out of your over active imagination.
-✥-
A nock came on your door when it was already late at night. In fact, if you stuck to your schedule you would already be in bed. But you found yourself sitting in your room, writing out lyrics to a song that you didn’t even need to write. You slowly opened the door, shutting off your light first so it looked as if you were about to go to bed, and not ignoring your schedule.
“Sorry Y/n. I know it’s a bit late.”
Yoongi stood in the hallway, shifting awkwardly, his eyes in contrast shon with a determination.
You felt your stomach fill with butterflies and you tried to quench the feeling. “No, it’s fine. What’s wrong?”
“Nothings wrong. I just...I wanted to ask a question.”
“Fire away.”
He shook his head slightly. “Well it’s not just a casual question. And I want to make sure I’m not invading your privacy. But it’s about the song you sung earlier.”
You felt your heart drop, blood running cold while simultaneously goosebumps spiked onto your skin.
“You seemed very emotional.. not even seemed. You cried and I really want to know why. I just feel that if I wait any longer to ask you, it’ll be too late. Now feels like the right time.”
Sighing, you knew he was right. You couldn’t hide your demons forever. Even though you had talked to your therapist a bit about the incident, you had never gone into depth about it with your parents. You had never even told Namjoon. Your brother had no idea that it had happened.
And it was time that he knew.
“Can you go get Namjoon? I’m not ready to tell the others yet.”
You were really close to Yoongi, the time that you had spent in their housing really grew you close to him. He had picked up on your main reason for being there almost the third time you had talked to him. He didn't mind that you were partially there just to help their mental health.
When you first moved in he hadn’t been at his best, stressed over the band’s popularity and success. His OCD was worse than ever.
More upset than the others, you were eager to help him get back on his feet. At first however, Yoongi was cold to you. He didn’t think he needed your help. He could fix it himself.
And he thought you were stuck up and arrogant to think that you could help him. After all, you were only 25 years old. Who were you to help him?
But slowly and surely with your help, he managed to get a hand on his health. He accepted that you could help him. It came to a time when he was happy to talk to you, and looked forward to it even.
Telling them was hard, but it felt freeing. Like a weight you had been carrying for the past eight years was lifted. As if you had been chained to your trauma and couldn’t get free, and now the locks were opened.
“You were attacked?” Namjoon almost yelled. You shushed him, nodding. Even though Yoongi had told the other boys not to enter the recording studio, you didn’t want to run any risks of them hearing regardless.
“The place is sound proofed Y/n, don’t worry.” Namjoon looked apologetic, as if by yelling he had upset you somehow. “But you were attacked? When was this?!”
“When I was seventeen…”
He immediately let out a cry. “You never told me? I could’ve helped you! Did the person ever get caught? Held accountable?”
You shook your head. “It wasn’t a person… it was three men.”
Namjoon swore loudly. “Multiple people? Attacking a fucking teenager? Who the fuck do they think they are? Who are they Y/n?”
You felt someone’s warm hand slip into yours, giving your own a tight reassuring squeeze. You noticed you were trembling slightly. It wasn’t from Namjoon raising his voice. It was from realising the weight of what had happened to you, that had suddenly come crashing down onto your mind.
You kept your gaze focused on Yoongi’s hand grasping yours, trying not to look at your astonished brother's face.
“I… I don’t know. They.. weren’t found.”
Namjoon let out a loud growl. “So the authorities can’t even do their job and find these degenerates? Fuck them.”
“N-Namjoon they’re trying their best! It’s not their fault…”
A wave of sympathy and guilt washed over his face. “It’s not your fault either Y/n! It’s those stupid bastards fault!”
You held your free hand up to quiet him. “Namjoon, I know it’s not my fault.”
His eyes narrowed, staring deep beyond your skin. “You’re so different Y/n… I shouldn’t have left you. You’ve changed so much from the little girl I left in Ilsan.”
You shook your head. “I changed at first after the attack. When I miscarried my child,”
You heard the boys intake of breath when they heard miscarriage. Namjoon didn’t know that you had been pregnant. YOUR PARENTS DIDN'T KNOW. How could you talk about this without crying? Without breaking down?
It was so hard to think about let alone talk to someone else about. But it was your brother. He had a right to know. And you wanted him to know.
“I-it really changed me. I thought.. maybe I was to blame for my child’s death. After all, I was the mother.. I was meant to take care of my baby. And I didn’t.”
“Y-your child..?” Namjoon whispered.
The present had faded into a fog. It was if you were standing in the dark, pure silence enveloping you. All you could hear was your thoughts, booming louder than you could control.
Your child.
Yoongi softly touched your arm. “Y/n? You were.. pregnant when you were attacked?”
You shook your head slowly. “The attack.. I got pregnant after..”
The words clicked inside Yoongi and Namjoon’s minds, sudden rage boiling through them.
The child you had carried inside you. The innocent victim of ruthless men, who you were just as bad as. It wasn’t the child’s fault. You had decided to keep it after you were found to be pregnant, hoping that you would be able to provide the child a life better than it’s conception.
You found out only months later that due to complications of your physical and mental health sustained after the attack— the poor infant had died before even reaching half term.
You had failed them.
“Y/n.. it’s not your fault.” Yoongi murmured. “You couldn’t stop them from attacking you, you weren’t to know… it’s in no way your fault. It’s so brave that you kept the baby...”
You shook your head, hands coming up to wipe tears from your eyes. “I was the mother! How could I fail my baby? It wasn’t their fault that their father was a c-criminal! It wasn’t their fault that they were conceived from an assault! They were innocent! T-There’s always a way to save someone!”
Namjoon grabbed your hands in his. “Y/n, it isn’t your fault. I’m really sorry you had to go through that, that you still feel guilt. You were so brave to try and give them a life anyway, even if it hurt you. You shouldn’t feel any guilt. It wasn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself. I love you, Y/n. And I’m here for you.”
You sniffled softly, glad for your brother's presence.
He was right.
You knew that.
You had known that for years. But it took someone else saying that for you to finally realise it was true.
It wasn’t your fault.
“Do you feel alright to continue, Y/n?” Yoongi murmured, an empathetic expression washing over his face. “We can take a break if you want…”
“No.” You smiled slightly, Yoongi’s caring side more than enough to reassure that you were safe. “I’m alright.”
Taking a deep breath, you continued your story. “I-I got addicted to drugs. I was completely off the rails, trying my best to cope with something I couldn’t handle. It was destroying me from the inside out. Eating away at my physical health as well as my mental state. My-... our parents, found out a little while after. I didn’t last that long before they discovered what happened.”
“They knew?” Namjoon cried, his choice cracking. “Why did no one tell me? I should’ve known! I would’ve helped you!”
You shook your head, tears filling your eyes. “You don’t understand Namjoon! If I would’ve told you you would’ve left BTS! You would’ve come back home!”
“Well yes! Of course!” Namjoon replied.
“I couldn't let you give up your dreams for me! I couldn’t be responsible for ruining my brother's life! Not when our parents were already so shocked and upset to hear the news! Mum was always so supportive to both of us! She tried her best to make me happy and comfortable! But it got to the point where they couldn’t handle it anymore.. they sent me to rehab.”
“Rehab?” Yoongi asked, his voice quieter than usual.
You nodded. “It really helped me. The people there were so kind. It took me a while, but I finally recovered.”
Namjoon’s heart had been thumping in his chest for the past ten minutes. He couldn’t bear the thought that anyone had dared to hurt his little sister. By all accounts, to him she was perfect. He couldn’t fathom why anyone would want to hurt her.
“I should’ve been there for you! I’m your older brother and I didn’t even get to support you! I didn’t get the chance.”
You felt your heart shaking within you. “N-Namjoon? I have to tell you something else too.”
Namjoon and Yoongi looked at you, nervous for whatever you were going to say. You took a deep, shaky breath.
“You know the people you were in a rap group with back at Ilsan?”
Namjoon’s heart stopped.
“T-they were the ones who attacked me.”
Anger flared inside Namjoon’s eyes. “My former friends?! Attacked you?”
You nodded reluctantly.
His head fell into his hands. “I can’t believe this.”
“I’ll kill them.”
You both turned to Yoongi, whose jaw was set in determination. “I’ll kill them.” He repeated, his eyes focused solely on you.
Namjoon quickly jumped in. “Me too. Those sick bastards think they can get away with hurting my sister? I-I-”
“No.” You whispered. “I’m fine.”
“Fine?” Namjoon snapped. “I never knew that you were this hurt! How could you be fine?”
“Rehab really cleared my head.. I finally got a chance to step back and for the first time in possibly years, think about what I wanted.”
“Y/n…”
Yoongi’s soft eyes were focused solely on you, in a way that would normally cause your heart to do somersaults. But not right now. The tension in the room was thick, the atmosphere that of a depressing one.
“You’re a fighter.”
You hadn't expected this response. You had expected some form of criticism, for him to tell you on for subbumcing so easily to the quick way to no pain.
You get your heart squeezing. You had never talked in depth about your feelings to your parents, but right now you would be willing to open your heart to Yoongi.
“You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. Sure, when you first got here I thought you were a snob, someone stuck up and ready to have the world handed to them simply for Namjoon’s achievements.”
Namjoon’s brow creased. “Watch how you talk about my sister hyung-”
“It’s alright.” You reassured him. “I trust his words mean no harm.”
Yoongi nodded instantly. “My views on you quickly changed. You cared for each of us, even if initially it was solely as a favour to Hitman Bang. And we began to care deeply for you. Because no matter what you’ve been through, no matter what tears you’ve shed and for what reasons, you always will mean so much to us. So much more than you can imagine.”
Yoongi wiped a tear from forming on the corner of his eye. He smiled sadly at you, regardless of the simplicity of the gesture, a wave of emotions spread through the one smile, rejuvenating and replenishing your drive, your focus.
“You deserve your happiness.”
You turned to the small voice.
He had spoken so much quieter than you had ever heard him speak before, the raw feelings in his voice transparent. “You deserve to be happy. You’ve been working so hard. You can’t just sacrifice your happiness for the benefit of others. I remember when we were growing up, you used to always make sure that I was okay if anything happened. Y/n, I’m your older brother. It’s okay to rely on me for support sometimes. You need me just as much as I need you. And that’s not a bad thing.”
You couldn’t hold yourself back any longer. You threw yourself against Namjoon’s chest, grabbing his back tightly, clasping him as if you could never let go.
“Y/n…”
You tried in vain to wipe your tears from your eyes, looking up at his strong face.
“It’s okay to cry. You don’t always have to smile. You’re still strong. And I’ll still love you anyway. You’re still my sister.”
You buried your face into his toned chest again. “N-Namjoon..I-I-I love you too.” You sniffled.
He gripped you tightly. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you.”
“It’s not your fault, Namjoon. It’s only their fault. Please don’t feel guilty.”
Pulling away from you, he wiped the tears off your moist cheeks. “Okay Y/n. For you, anything.”
A small cough was interjected into the comfortable silence of the room, reminding you that Yoongi was still there. Both you and your brother turned to him. His eyes were soft and empathetic, as if he didn’t want to spoil the moment, but couldn't wait any longer.
“C-can I please talk to Y/n alone?”
Namjoon considered his hyung. While he didn’t really want to leave his sisters side, he knew that Yoongi wouldn’t ask it he wouldn’t take care of her. Namjoon knew he could trust him.
“Okay.” He relented. “Y/n, I love you. Just say if you need anything.”
On his way out he grabbed Yoongi’s shoulder bringing the older man against him.
“Make sure she’s okay. Don’t you dare hurt her.”
Yoongi nodded. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”
“I was in a dark place once. I wasn’t happy. It felt like the world was against me.”
Now that you were alone with Yoongi, he seemed a lot less cold, and a lot more caring. The off putting gaze he had on accident given you multiple times was replaced with soft eyes that seemed to drip honey.
“I got through it. And I’m heaps weaker than you. I don’t have the mental endurance that you have, nor the fighting spirit. If anyone can overcome this situation— it’s you.”
You wiped your eyes with your hands. It was so reassuring to have someone believe in you. To have someone who was backing you up.
“You know, I can’t believe how strong you are. To be able to recover from that in just years? And with only really your own strength? I really admire it. It’s amazing.”
You blushed slightly. “I didn’t really have much choice.”
He sighed, eyes scanning the door as if someone might burst in any second.
“Y/n… I shouldn’t be saying this. But I can’t hold onto my feelings any longer. I really like you.”
Your heart began racing and you could feel your skin begin to heat up.
Could Yoongi see how nervous you were?
You hoped he couldn’t.
“I-I-”
He grabbed your hand tightly, making your face flush.
“Y/n, you don’t have to answer me right now. I can wait as long as you need. I would wait forever for you.”
“Y-Yoongi I really like you too. I know I’m not always perfect but I-”
Yoongi’s body fell against yours, his arms wrapping around your frame. He stroked your hair slowly, burying his face in your shoulder.
“You don’t have to be perfect. Your flaws make you humans.” He pulled back slightly, playing with your hair as he looked right through you. “I believe you can overcome your flaws. They don’t make you a bad person. They make you you.”
You giggled slightly. It was weird to hear Yoongi so sweet. Normally he stayed away, his face in a resting serious face. You were so happy to see him smile.
“I’m so glad you like me back. I was so worried.”
“Me too…”
He pulled away one last time, his face weighted with a burden that hadn’t been obvious before. Or had you just not noticed.
“Y/n.. I know your past. So I think it’s time you found out mine.”
Your mouth opened slightly, eyes widening.
“Really? You trust me that much?”
He nodded, grinning. Then he frowned again. “Not all of it will be pretty. I-it might shock you a bit.”
You squeezed his hand that was still in yours. He blushed.
if you didn't know, yesterday Big Hit Entertainment released a statement on Weverse "Regarding Member Suga's Health". This addresses a surgery Yoongi has undertaken and is in a stable condition from.
the surgery was a shoulder surgery for his injury he sustained in 2013 from being hit by a car while at a delivering job. In 2019 he was diagnosed with a shoulder condition and has since decided to go through the surgery.
his statement was included, saying that he hoped his fans would be okay, and that he would recover from his surgery soon.
please Yoongi, dont worry about us as much. We will wait for you and wish for your safe recovery. Thanks so much for playing Guitar for us on live before the surgery. You're so kind.
