Ketamine Treatment
So I started Ketamine treatment last Sunday.
I figured I should try to document the experience a little better so I don't forget everything about it
My first infusion happened within DAYS of me emailing a local clinic and them calling me back immediately.. so this all happened very fast.
After a REALLY rough argument with my wife (where she literally got so upset she punched my office door multiple times and cracked a wood panel entirely down the middle)... which wasn't entirely my fault but clearly triggered by me being emotional and needy (and in her opinion, judgmental/critical of her not being enough for me).... I reached out to the clinic in a desperate attempt to change something about my life and hopefully improve something about my mental state, my perspective on life in general, or whatever else can come of it.
I've been thinking about trying ketamine for well over a year, but ESPECIALLY over the past year. My suicidal thoughts have been almost constant and I am just overall very unhappy and everything is just harder than it should be. and I'm sick of trying every medication under the sun.
I stopped taking my Vraylar a couple weeks ago. I know not a great idea.... but it was making me gain weight and preventing me from losing any... which was a huge trigger. I'm sure this contributed a little to me feeling more down, but the depression's honestly been so consistent lately that I'm not even sure the vraylar was doing enough to make it worth the weigh gain, not to mention the ASTRONOMICAL COST.
My first ketamine session was on a Sunday afternoon. I met with a nurse practitioner who did a very basic "screening" to make sure I was a good candidate for it, then they immediately sent a nurse to insert an IV and hook me up to blood pressure and heart monitors.
Then they sent in an "integrator" named Steve to talk to me about my goals/intentions for the treatment. He was nice, but I honestly felt a little overwhelmed by him and uncomfortable... even though he was speaking in the most gentle tone possible, it almost felt a little too "put on" and not genuine and I just wasn't feeling it being alone in a tiny room with a male stranger.
After talking to him for probably 15 minutes, he put noise cancelling headphones on me with some meditative music playlist, and gave me an eye mask, then the nurse started my IV drip and turned out all the lights and I was left alone in the room for my experience.
I probably only stayed awake for 10 minutes of it, I think. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep entirely. I don't remember much aside from the floaty feeling and paying a lot of attention to slivers of light coming in the room from the door (because the mask didn't cover my eyes completely). Afterwards, I felt kinda spacey and floaty. The integrator guy came back and talked to me briefly about my experience and I didn't remember much aside from seeing K's face and feeling lots of love. K brought me home and fed me and I fell asleep for several hours, woke up and watched a movie with K and kiddo, then went back to bed and slept solid all night long. I thought it was just from the ketamine effects but I think I was actually possibly sick and extra tired and that's why I fell asleep.
My 2nd infusion was Wednesday night and i was much more alert/awake going into and much more determined to be present throughout the experience and not let myself pass out.
I don't even really know how to put the experience into words because Ketamine is a dissociative drug. It's almost like I went through multiple stories in my mind throughout the session. I tried to ground myself in thoughts like "everything is going to be okay" and "nothing is really that big of a deal" and tried to focus on feelings of love and gratitude and happiness.
At one point I remember opening my eyes and seeing my hand and it seemed so small and far away and strange. I knew it was my hand because of my rings but it felt like it belonged to someone else.
At another point it felt like it was getting progressively darker, which I remember thinking was weird because my eyes were closed and it was already dark, but it was like lights shutting down progressively in a theater and it brought me right back to high school theatre and then I thought about my high school theatre director who passed away several years ago and almost started crying.
I don't feel like I've experienced any visualizations or anything like that while under. it's more like a feeling of floating through space. Almost like the feeling you get when you're falling asleep while drunk.
So far I feel a little lighter, less suicidal, but still irritable/annoyed with the kid. My OCD feels a little quieter though.
I'm really trying to be more patient and loving with kid... but it's hard. He's not a bad kid, i just think he has only child syndrome and thinks the world revolves around him and it irks me. His personality sometimes rubs me the wrong way because he can be stubborn, cocky, and talks like a bro. He also asks me 5 million questions a day and I don't have the energy for it. It'll be things like "why does that magnet say that?" BECAUSE IT DOES?! "Why do those two buildings look the same?" BECAUSE THEY DO ?!?
Oh and then there's the whole issue of trying to keep my ketamine treatment concealed because he tells everyone everything... so K told him i'm getting treatments for my back pain (because you can't drive after ketamine treatments, K needs to pick me up and he's with us a lot of the days K isn't working which is when I'm scheduled for treatments). He's got 500 questions about it and I just want to say "it's none of your business, stop prying" because ALREADY his other set of parents are asking me how my back is... and I don't want them being more curious. Like we went out to dinner with them last night and i was so anxious the whole time that they would use it as a topic of conversation to be like "so what kind of treatments are you doing for your back?" and then i'd have to either come up with some bullshit or politely decline to discuss it and then raise even more questions/speculation. During my last K treatment I remember going through a thought process of "I don't care who knows I'm doing this, this is amazing and should be shouted from the rooftops," but I don't really need my wife's ex and her partner to know my personal mental health struggles and treatment journey... we're not that close.
I'm also debating on whether I need to stay sober or not. I've been sober for one week now, but part of me doesn't want to give it up forever. I just know that I use it to self medicate and I know that while I might be happier in the moment of being drunk/buzzed, it's a depressant and it's also affecting my mood and my relationship. I went to a meeting last Friday (AA) and it was all old people and one other woman who was younger than me. She took my number and said she'd text me when she went to another meeting but i haven't heard from her (she was fresh out of rehab that morning, i hope she's doing okay). Part of me wants to find a sober community because i want a COMMUNITY in general... and it's hard to find here. A guy at the meeting told me about another meeting nearby that has a "younger crowd" than the meeting i was at (it was all retiree aged people with the exception of maybe 4 of us), which i feel like would be a good place to meet people and make friends and have a healthier social life.... but there's several craft beers in my fridge calling my name and i don't know.