An Artist's Life... @mollywilcoxvo - Tumblr Blog

Today I get stabbed in the neck. Again.

For context, this all started about 7 years ago, when my back started feeling like the right side of my spine (between the spine and shoulder blade) was on fire at times, down to my midback.

As a large-breasticled lady, I just figured I'd needed better bras, so I got some. Didn't help, figured it was because I was 45, and didn't do anything else about it.

Until I started getting referral pain across my shoulder blade and under it, up into my jaw, and down the back of my right arm. I was (naturally) concerned, so went to see my Dr, who (obviously) said "not a heart attack, you just need to lose weight. Oh, and do a yoga and eat a kale."

I did those things, referral pain continued. Learned to ignore it... For a while. Until I had to go to urgent care 1 year ago because the pain in my shoulder was excruciating, and I couldn't finish work (reaching for my mouse was hands down horrible).

They x-rayed, and did an MRI and said "eh, it's probably just a partially torn cuff, have some PT.". I did the PT, and did 6 Months of gym as well.

No change.

Was referred to pain management. Found out *there* that I had narrowing of my foremanal channel in my C4-T1, and bone spurs on my C5 and C6, which had been aggravating the entire nerve branch coming out of the spine there.

They'd been there this whole time, but no one had mentioned it to me.

I did 3 cortisone shots in 1.5 months. No changes, no improvement.

Was referred to a neurosurgeon el3 months ago. Finally. They wanted another MRI to see if it's gotten worse.

Insurance said "no, we allow for 1 MRI once a year for a single body part, unless the patient has officially established care with you, which requires 3 visits - or - there has been a significant change in the body part in question.".

I was sent back to pain management. They referred me to physical therapy while we wait for the 1 year to be up in July, and offer me a medial nerve branch block, to see if that helps any. I'm warned it probably won't, but that it's probably going to be the next step insurance would demand prior to approving neurosurgery.

And now you're all caught up.

#Health insurance is broken #Aetna insurance is a scam #universal healthcare

fluoresensitives

Women stick thin and malnourished on the red carpet, and people are saying you can't point out that these women are dying because that's body shaming. Girl.

doctordaemon

@whitenikes

halfhumanhalfasleep

and there's so much DRAMA any time a young woman has a sexy song (britney spears, Miley Cyrus, Christina Aguilera, Taylor swift all come to mind from back in the day, and the sabrina carpenter panic now); theyre all "shouldn't you be a better role model?" "your fanbase is mostly impressionable young girls!!!" but none of that matters when the message is to be as thin as possible.

mollywilcoxvo

Body positivity is as much recognizing that all bodies can be beautiful as it should also be that all bodies need to be healthy for that person.

Growing up in the wake of Twiggy, where every girl had to be 95 lbs soaking wet with no curves whatsoever, it broke our brains, our self-worth, and self-esteem.

If you're overweight, you can't like food. Not according to mainstream society. You just can't, period. Enjoying food, enjoying *eating* that food, that's bad. Eating food in public? Especially unhealthy food (basically anything but a small starter salad, no dressing, with a water) - that's absolutely asking for people to judge you. Because food is the enemy. It's why you're fat. Obviously that's why... It couldn't be genetics, or a disease of some sort, mental health challenges, food addictions, or medications you're on.

If your too thin, you are either praised for looking so good, or you need to "Eat a sandwich". It has nothing to do with your genetics, a food aversion, mental health challenges, or medications you're on. You either have "self-discipline", or an eating disorder (whether you actually have one or not), addictions, or anything else...

The media has pre-programmed our brains with what's "acceptable", and it's an impossible standard that so few women can fulfill, and the rest of us spend hundreds of thousands of time, effort, and money attempting to get anywhere close to it.

We have *hated* ourselves for so long because our bodies don't conform, regardless of whether we actually had the bone structure and genetics to match that standard.

And yes - men have body image issues, too. I know. And for many of the same reasons listed above. That impossible standard.

How do I know all of this? I have lived it every day of my life. My first memory was age 3, my mother being told by my grandmother that I was too fat and needed to be put on a diet, then being given a hot fudge sundae. I remember at age 10, being dragged to weight watchers and Jenny Craig by my mother. She went to one or the other, along with Overeater's Anonymous weekly. She wanted to lose the 25 magical pounds that would suddenly transform her into the perfect shape, made the world magical, and she could forget her woes.

I started my journey with weird diets at age 10... I tried celery and carrots as 2 out of three meals a day. No snacks. No other options... But then I'd binge on candy, ashamed, because I had no self-control.

At 13, I was starting restrictive eating, anytime I did something wrong. Didn't hit 100% on a test, no snacks. Failed to follow through with chores on time? No breakfast.

At 15, I tried binge/purge, but after two times, I couldn't handle it - vomit always went up my nose, and I hated the burning and the smell. So I increased the restriction. No lunches for 2 days a week, while increasing my exercise.

BTW - I look back n pictures of me pre-puberty, and I was tall, but still pretty skinny. I hit puberty at 10, and started gaining weight... More than my peers. No one considered my thyroid was busted. I was just fat. I had failed the test as soon as puberty hit, and I just kept failing.

By the time I high college, I was 5'5", and 198 lbs. The college I went to offered depo for free, so I took it, because I twas tired of periods and fussing. I gained 60 lbs in 6 months... When I stopped taking it at that point, the weight didn't stop.

By the time I was 25, I was 408 lbs, and going to die. My insurance paid for weight loss surgery for me. I was told I'd cheated by not working harder at "just" losing weight. I should have just eaten less. I should have had more self-control and self-discipline, and surgery was the "easy" way out.

Long story short - nothing is good enough for society. Nothing. None of us will live up to impossible beauty standards set by one person who happened to have the bone structure and genetics to fit the mold.

The best we can do is try our best to be healthy for us, and for our loved ones, and we need to stop the snap-judgements and automatic assumptions we make when we see someone who isn't the shape we think they should be. That's it. That's the take-away.

#Beauty #beauty standards #weightloss #Weight issues #disordered eating mention #Mental health #Impossible beauty standards