My Journey to My Happiness

We all deserve happiness but no one said you don't have to work for the things you deserve. I'm a mom, wife, full time and part time employee just trying to keep it all together and get the happiness I deserve.

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I already know!

Recently I acknowledged I suck at consistency. It's not just with Tumblr but pretty much EVERYTHING!

This is my #1 goal for 2019. I am good at many things but only tend to stay on track for a few days.

Happy Tuesday Y'all!!

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A rant of sorts

It's been a while since I've written here and that sucks because I've wanted to numerous times but didn't have the amount of time available to not rush through my words and feelings. Well I woke up at 430am extremely unhappy , I've watched the news and played on my phone in hopes of going back to sleep. See just the hubs and I are on a weekend vacation and of course I didn't think to pack gym clothes or I'd just go to the gym while he sleeps. Instead I get to lay here next to him heading him snore and breathe. I guess it's the world's way of giving me my journaling time.

Not sure if anyone reads this or not but just in case here is an update. My kids are improving, we've worked through some issues and I think my teenager and I are coming to an understanding. That said this understanding is not a drastic improvement but there are moments where I feel relief.

My diet and exercise are going really well. We started back to our keto way of eating and I love it. I have energy, my stomach issues are gone and I'm dropping weight. I've been going to the gym, not as often as I'd like but for a mother of six who works 2 jobs I'm lucky to go at all. But I vowed my lack of patience with my children and my putting myself last had to change. I find when I feel healthy I'm more patient. After all what good is a mom who is always in bed or the bathroom or is in so much pain every word that comes out of anyone's mouth just pisses me off.

However, things in my sex life haven't improved. I am in my prime. I didn't agree to once a week nor would I have. I need more. That sounds terrible and maybe if there weren't so many occasions in the in betweens that made me feel rejected and hurt then once a week wouldn't be so bad. For the last 15 years I've struggled with feeling beautiful, sexy, worthy and wanted. I went into our relationship knowing my fear of initiation and putting myself out there sexually has had a negative impact on past relationships. So I try to initiate, I make it very clear when I want to be intimate or want a quicky. Now that I think of it we have actually NEVER had a quicky. Anyways, not much has changed and really those familiar feelings that I've tried to push away from the last 15 years are more front and center than ever. Instead of journaling, instead of flipping channels, instead of playing garden of words I want to lay here and cry. I won't though because it will wake him and let's be honest what good will it do... NONE.

I'm glad the world gave me journaling time. I needed to get all that out. It hasn't fixed anything but it has hopefully stopped me from opening my mouth and making things worse. Doubtful but hopeful.

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Good loss, Bad emotions

So let me start this post with my good. I lost 2.4 pounds this week, yay, go me. Ok, so yea that's my good.

Now, I woke this morning feeling nothing but bad emotions...anger, annoyance, disappointment, worthlessness, selfishness, defeat and loss (the bad kind). I feel bad for feeling these things since only yesterday I had a conversation with my children about how we shouldn't let others effect how we feel by their actions. We are responsible for our own mood and emotions. I feel double bad because it is a very personal relationship with my husband that has me feeling this way this morning. This may be tmi but I honestly don't care since this is my journaling, for me. I love sex! We are older (definitely not in our teens anymore) but we are for all intents and purposes still in our honeymoon phase, we haven't even hit 6 months into our marriage yet. We are on day 7 of no sex. I'm angry, annoyed, disappointed and feel worthless because it was mentioned yesterday that the dry spell could definitely end yesterday and well here we are. Hello day 7, hate to see you. I feel worthless because to me and I'm sure it is all in my head but as a woman I feel like he doesn't desire me. With our complicated past this concerns me. I feel loss for our sexual relationship. And I feel selfish because I want sex damnit, which leads me back to have all the other feelings of anger, annoyance and disappointment.

Anyways, since I just spoke to my children about not allowing others to influence feelings and emotions I now have to do the adult thing and figure out how the fuck to practice what I preached. Wish me luck, oh and happy Monday everyone.

#somethingsmissing #concerned #quiltofemotions #myjournalentry #nosugarcoatinghere #thisshitisreal

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Another week, Another Book or 2, Another challenge...updated!

So it's another week down and even though it was a long week, it was a pretty good one.

We got to spend some quality time with our baby boys and our oldest daughter (that's hard to achieve when your attention is split between the masses most of the time) but we did it and loved it.

I finished 2 books this week, one on keto lifestyle and the other on how to be happy. As I heard in church this morning "it isn't self improvement, it's a step toward my mission".

We managed to pay all the bills due this week which is a great feeling. We went to Financial Peace University and were able to share what we've learned so far with others. I even cancelled my newspaper subscription and my gym membership; in 2 weeks it'll be Netflix and Hulu. I honesty thought it would be hard or I would feel anxious or sad about it but it fueled my fire even more.

Today's mom challenge is to pray for wisdom, I think I need this in all areas of my life but especially in raising my children.

I saw an interesting fitness challenge I think I may want to jump into but I'm not really sure if I will l be successful at cutting out the time for it. This is the part I struggle with myself about, I want to do it, my body needs it but I won't care enough to just make it happen. I know this needs to change. So I will say what I want to do and then we will see if I can achieve it. I want to walk/run/bike...just move some how 2018 miles by the end of 2018!!!

Ok, so I put that out there. Let's see what I can do with it.

Update 01/08/19: I forgot about this post as soon as I wrote it. Shame on me.

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Self Sabotage...the shits real

This morning I didn't want to get up from my cozy bed or from laying next to my warm husband. So instead of having the power to get up I reset my alarm for 30 minutes later. That's 30 minutes of meal prep for my breakfast and lunch to go. What this means is that I ended up in publix spending $9 (remember we are about to embark on Dave Ramsey's plan for financial peace, I don't have $9 to spend) for a whole pub sub which by the way I ate all at once. So much for eating right or not spending any money.

How much do they pay for plasma these days?

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My mom challenge has been going really well, I loved the look my teenagers gave me when I hugged them three times in one day, although I will say the instructions didn't call foe the bear hugs I insisted I give.

Today I am to sweet down and write a sweet note for them to all find. I'm excited about this task. When I was little I was one of those lucky kiddos who got the "I love you" note in her lunch box. My kids don't take a lunch so I miss out on doing this. Maybe I'll make hiding random notes a thing around here.

Yesterday I did really good on my eating until I ate the 2 bowls of cereal immediately following dinner. I was craving sweets so badly. I really need to reign this sweet tooth in very soon.

The most exciting part of the journey so far is that my husband and I found our home church on Sunday. It's as if we were given a direct message of "if you don't see this your freaking blind". We have been discussing money A LOT and decided to Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. How bout money was the topic of the sermon and the church is hosting a 9 week class on Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University starting tomorrow. Like I said it was bam in our faces.

Today is a new day and my tasks are to wrote my sweet notes and to eat right damnit.

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Trying AGAIN

I am trying life over again. Being a happier me, job(s), kids, marriage, financial health and healthy living.

2017 had some of the best moments and some of the worst of my adult life. I married the most amazing man (marrying him followed some unfortunate events in our own relationship). I lost my job (which was our main income). I learned what it really means to be the mother of a teenage daughter in both the best ways and some ways that lead me to question myself as a mom. This is scary to be because I am now a mom of 6, that is a lot of lives I have some type of influence in forming for happiness and success. I managed to drop 23 pounds and put them all back on before the years end. Needless to say my emotional and wellbeing took a drastic hit.

I am not restarting this blog as a New Year’s resolution but as a mean of journaling for myself. If anyone reads it and gets anything from it then fantastic but this is for ME. This is a tool in my quest for rebuilding my happiness and feeling like I have my shit together.

I am starting this year following a deep, fulfilling and fruitful conversation with my husband. This included a financial plan, a plan for building a healthy marriage which neither of us has had in the past, how we can both be healthier and support each others journey to be healthy and how we can each grow as happier individuals as members of amazing unit.

I am starting this year with a new job and while it may only pay 50% of my previous position it is already far more enjoyable. I am not working 15 hour days, I am not stressing and traveling every month. That said I also have a second job; it’s sad when they both still don’t equal the one. But I love my second job, the people alone make me look forward to showing up for each shift.

I am starting this year with Pinterest!!! I know that sounds hilarious but I have been able to find so many challenges, articles, exercise and ideas for ridding yourself of negativity, being the mom you always wanted to be, being a positive woman, not to mention the endless information of workouts and recipes…by the way I LOVE RECIPES and COOKING.

I’ve racked my brain for years to come up with a way to loose wieght that will work for me. I have tried Weight Watchers, South Beach Diet and others. I want something I can do for the rest of my life. I have no idea what that may be but lately we have done keto with great success but it has its downsides as well. I’ve also been diagnosed with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), yes I know that isn’t what you care to know lol and I have idiopathic edema in women. I SWELL A LOT! I have so many ideas of things I want to try and want to do, I seriously have a million mind browsers open and have no real idea of where to start when it comes to this. I change things up so much I have never really given anything a real chance to work. My goal is try to calm down and give it time. It takes time to come off to stay off, it takes time to be consistent. I’ve got to stop with the immediate gratification crap, it isn’t realistic in weightloss and improving health.

I have also started reading a great book about being a positive woman. Wild Succulent Woman by Sark. I highly recommend it!!! I have found quotes that have spoken to me and parts that have made me smile and parts that have made me do some self reflection.

I have also started a 30 day mom challenge and so far which I am on day 3 I have done really well. This challenge just throws you in though, Day 2 was no yelling. I hate to admit it but I am a yeller so this was like “Shit can’t we work up to that?!?!” but I did it. I did NOT yell yesterday!!!!

So,if you end up reading this there is a very good possibility (as you can see) that there will be no real structure to it at all which is also a huge step since it goes against my OCD. But it is a free write journal so I guess the purpose is not to really have structure.

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Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions.

~A.A. Latimer

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Commit to be fit.

~Author Unknown  Quotegarden.com

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"People say that losing weight is no walk in the park. When I hear that I think, yeah, that's the problem. "

Chris Adams

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I am having an out of money experience.

Author Unknown