me and my life...

it's real

[monz204]

New Job! :)

The time has come for me to start a new adventure! I have left Anglian Home Improvements and I’m moving onto new pastures. I am starting a new job at Inturn Trading Ltd in a purchasing role.

It all happened so quickly since I applied on Thursday, had the interview on Monday and got the job on Tuesday, and then my last day was Friday. Every time I think about it I get nervous and excited at the same time haha. I guess I am definitely looking forward to having more money and getting bonus pays well too :p although, that will entail a lot of hard work. Bring on the money!! :D

[monz204]

I miss my friend

I really miss my friend (also my housemate). Right now she’s having a rough time because she’s tired all the time; she got diagnosed with some sort of fatigue disorder which is apparently supposed to fix itself in time. I don’t feel like my friend is my friend anymore. I hardly see her, I always knock on her door and she’s either on the phone or asleep or doesn’t want to hang out. It’s a rare occasion that we actually will spend some time together.

I feel really bad for her because she’s working full-time and it completely wipes her out. Although, at the same time, it’s not fair that she’ll snap at me or be short with me because she’s in one of those moods. I feel like she’s gone back to her depression stage of before Christmas where one day she would be fine and the other she would be really moody and take it out on others. I may sound selfish but I’m not in a particularly great place myself so it really doesn’t help. I started crying from watching Glee and then I couldn’t stop! Why was I even crying...at Glee…?

I would just like to spend some time together like we used to. One thing that is really annoying me is how she will make sure that she has the energy when her girlfriend comes to stay but will never make sure she has the energy to spend time with me. I partially understand that in the sense that when you get a boyfriend/girlfriend you spend less time with your friends so you can spend time with that special someone but it’s more the fact that they have a long distance relationship and she still isn’t spending time with me. Another thing that is getting on my nerves is how she will skype/phone all of her other friends even though she is supposedly soooo tired. I have come to the conclusion that I’m obviously not worth spending time with.

[monz204]

Lonely

“I can be surrounded by a sea of people and still feel all alone”

I beginning to question my decision to stay in Norwich. My life isn’t the best at the moment: I go to work, I come home, I eat, I watch tv, I sleep. I go to work, I go to the gym, I come home, I eat, I sleep. Weekends - I wake up, I go to the gym, I do chores, I eat, I go to sleep. You get the idea…

I never used to think it was so bad until recently because being busy shielded me from the reality of the suckyness that is my life and because I could at least spend part of the evening with my friend who is also my housemate and just chill and watch tv and chat. But lately she’s not been up for spending time with me because she wants to hole up in her room. Consequently, this means that I spend all week on my own. Then when her girlfriend comes to visit I spend the whole weekend on my own. It’s such a joyous lifestyle and makes me feel great. I don’t feel like I have anyone to go to just to talk about how I’m feeling. And no, I can’t afford a councillor. What do I do?

[monz204]

Strength (part 2)

Secondly, my social life is miserable. I hardly have any friends in Norwich and I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s lonely. I spent last Friday watching Love, Rosie with a glass of rosé and then ended up sobbing (not just because of the film) and this Saturday evening just gone watching soppy films (the new Cinderella and Friends with Benefits) and drinking rosé. I drank 3/4 of the bottle in one evening… Safe to say that things aren’t looking good.

Seeing as my friend’s girlfriend was visiting this weekend, I did try not to spend the most recent past Saturday evening on my own by inviting a work colleague over to watch a film and order a takeaway to have a girls’ night in. This clearly didn’t happen. It sucks that I don’t have any true friends in Norwich apart from my housemate because when her girlfriend comes to visit I end up spending the weekend alone. It’s great fun. Of course it would be fine if I had a special someone to spend my free time with but that is proving fairly difficult at present.

I have been single since August 2013 and I’ve had tinder (dating app) since the end of February this year. I’ve been on a few dates. Admittedly, I’ve lost count of how many dates I’ve been on but it’s very exhausting, frustrating, upsetting. Take your pick of emotions…I clearly thought I was stronger than I actually am because this constant rejection is really getting me down and it’s obviously doing wonders for my self-esteem. Fair enough when things don’t work because there’s no attraction, no spark but when it’s someone you take a liking to and think something could happen… wham! It’s bye bye.

My friend is always telling me, as any friend would, that it’s not me and that I’ll find someone eventually. I’m seriously starting to think that it’s definitely me though. After all, what else could it be after all this time? The problem is that I don’t know where I’m going wrong. I don’t know how to fix it.

I’m not completely dramatic, I’m not going to say that I’ll never find anyone and I’ll be by myself forever but I have a feeling that by the time I meet someone it’ll be in my mid-late thirties or older, by which time I’ll be too old to have kids anyway. When will this tiring game end?

There’s one thing that will get me through: strength!

[monz204]

Strength (part 1)

It’s pretty easy to say that I’m not happy with my life at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, it could be worse, but then it could be better.

Firstly, there’s my job: it’s not enough money. I get that nowadays even graduates have to start from the bottom and work their way up but I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. I need to progress and that’s not going to happen in my present job. I don’t want to say that I spent 4 years at uni, got a degree and then it doesn’t count for anything. This means I either have to move to London or some other part of the country and start over with a completely different job, or I have to stick it out then apply for a PGCE (teaching degree) or find another job in Norwich with slightly more money and then apply for it. Moving to London doesn’t really appeal to me, the thing that does is money to be honest. Either way I’m going to apply for some jobs which are in London and see what happens.

[monz204]

Birthday weekend

Sorry this is a bit late :/ 

My friend and old housemate Rachael came to visit this weekend and it’s been really nice :)  we (me, Helen and Rachael) watched Tammy on Thursday evening. Then on Friday me and Rachael went to the gym and went on the cross-trainer and treadmill and then even went and used the weight machines in the ladies part of the gym so at least I know how to use the machines now haha. She also showed me some floor exercises for your abs which killed me lol. On Saturday we went swimming and then sat in the sauna and Jacuzzi for a bit. Then we made a trip to asda and, as well as food for the week, I bought some baking stuff including equipment and ingredients and we came back and made chocolate chip cupcakes with Betty Crocker’s chocolate fudge icing which was gorgeous! Then we ordered pizza and watched Pitch Perfect 2 and painted our nails and did face masks and then we watched Hairspray. Overall, it’s been an eventful and nice weekend.

[monz204]

Car trouble

The other day Mum drove my car for a 20 minute journey and the clutch went 3 times! The first time she completely freaked out and panicked. She was like ‘oh my god! What do I do?!?!’ so I calmly explained that she had to lift her foot off the clutch and let the car roll until the clutch comes back up and then put her foot on the clutch and put it in gear. It is terrifying when it first happens because you can’t put it in gear. It’s also annoying when you’re trying to brake and the clutch goes because it feels like the car doesn’t want to brake and then you press more firmly on the brake and the car stalls. It’s great fun. She also tried to put it in reverse and failed twice because you have to use a lot of strength to actually put it in reverse. From these things she then said that I needed a new car. She has known that I’ve got a dodgy clutch for quite some time now and it’s only because she experienced it for herself that realised how dangerous/annoying it is. Apparently she wants to get me one soon but she said she was getting me one last summer for my 21st and then she said that she might get me one for Christmas and here we are at summer again. I’m not getting my hopes up or anything but next weekend I’m going to test drive a couple of cars that Dad has been to look at so fingers crossed!

[monz204]

It is my birthday isn’t it?

So this year for my birthday I went to work. Oh what fun. I could have had the day off if I was permanent staff but sadly temporary staff don’t have this luxury :( Normally, seeing as my birthday is the 4th of August, I’m not at school so I get to enjoy the day with friends. Also, usually I’m at home home for my birthday and I’ll come down in the morning and mum would have decorated the table with a birthday banner and sequins of mini cakes and flowers and cards. This year I came down in the morning and nothing. It didn’t feel like my birthday at all.

At work the rule is that when it’s your birthday you bring in cakes for everyone. I don’t agree with this because I think people should bring you cake on your birthday which makes sense, right?  So I didn’t bring in cake, I took in a huge jar of sweets instead that my colleague had brought round for our housewarming party. I left a stick note on the jar saying: I’m sorry I didn’t bring in cake for my birthday but enjoy the sweets! Monique x

Did they wish me a happy birthday? No. first thing in the morning I said to my colleague that I didn’t bring in cake but I had sweets instead and he was like ‘oh, is it your birthday today?’ My reply was ‘yes’ then he said that I should have told someone and then they could have got me a card and I said that I had casually mentioned it a couple of times to different people. Anyway, skip forward in the day to when I’m leaving work. I come home and walk in and there’s a birthday banner on the wall and loads of purple balloons. I was so happy! It’s always the little things haha. And I got a really nice letter from my friend helen (I’ve always wanted one of her letters :p .) I ended up spending the majority of the evening by myself because Helen had her girlfriend over. When Helen told me that Philly (her girlfriend) was coming over to stay on Tuesday, my immediate thought was ‘oh great! -.- ’ So I said ‘oh that’s fine, I’ll just spend my birthday on my own then.’ Helen’s response was ‘no, you will not spend your birthday on your own at all.’ No offence but I’d only met Philly a couple of times, it’s a new relationship since they’ve only been together officially for a month, and my ideal birthday evening is not being a third wheel.

Basically, my birthday pretty much sucked but then I guess there’s always next year!

[monz204]

How’s the job?

The job is going well, it’s easy and I’m good at it haha. Of course there are things that I don’t like about it like the angry and rude customers and sometimes the people there are a tad annoying but hey ho…things are never perfect.

I was actually doing so well at my job that they asked me to help out in the other department. To me, this is a step up because if you make a mistake in that department it has a hell of a lot more consequences :/ I’m only in there for a half a day every day but I like the change of job role, environment and people. It’s only next door to my normal department but it’s still a change and a good one at that…so far. I also like the fact that it feels like my day goes a lot faster because of this slight change during the day. I’m hoping that this minor step means that they would want me to go permanent and I would get paid a bit more :p onwards and upwards!

[monz204]

New job

So I started my new job on Tuesday! I am an administration coordinator and to the customers I am a Survey Logistics Advisor. Basically at Anglian Home Improvements (the company), after the sales rep has been round and before anything can be installed, a survey needs to be carried out to measure and check for asbestos etc. All I do is call up customers and book the surveys for them. It’s such fun…

The good thing about my job is that I’m good at it. They only expect us to book around 20 surveys a day and I’m booking way more than that. On Thursday I was on 33 and that was at 4pm. On Friday I was on 37 and that was at about 4/4:30pm. Hopefully I’ll end up being on par with this guy called Steven who averages 40 – 60 a day, which is incredible.

It’s rubbish pay because it’s only £7.44/hour but considering how easy the job is you could see it as good pay. Anyway, it’s only temporary until I find something else.

[monz204]

House hunting = stressful

So we have to be out of our house at the end of this month. Great. We knew this was coming obviously because we only had a contract of 11 months but I needed to know I would have a job in Norwich before securing accommodation. If I had found somewhere to live but no job it would have been a bit pointless because I wouldn’t have had a way to pay for it.

I guess time just flew by because I didn’t really get a chance to look for a flat/house since I had my last exam on the 3rd, then was busy that weekend for my stepsister’s hen do. I had an interview that week and then that weekend I had my stepsister’s wedding. You can imagine that things have been manic. We’ve only just managed to view some properties this week starting from Monday and because I started work on the Tuesday I haven’t really had time to breathe to be honest. I go to work, go to a viewing, come home, have dinner, wash up, and look for any more properties to see, shower and then go to bed…Not exactly the best life right now. Once accommodation is sorted I can actually start to have a life again :) Considering that we’ve only been looking for a week I should think that we can find something this coming week, even though we’ve already exhausted the list of 2 bedroom flats :/

[monz204]

Wedding time

Today is the day of my stepsisters wedding. It’s so exciting watching a wedding, knowing that those two people are so committed with their love and devotion to each other that they are willing to stand up in front of all their family and friends and profess that love. It’s so emotional! Oh god, I’m going to cry aren’t I?

I’m not going to lie; going to a wedding makes me want to find the right man for me even more. Is there a word for that? Like when someone gets broody, it means they want to have a baby. I don’t think there is a word for someone who wants to get married but if there were…it would be me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ready to rush into anything, I’m just looking forward to when my big day comes around. And hopefully, when it does, it will be the only wedding I have.

[monz204]

Job hunting is a pain

So as I’m no longer a student, I began my job search and prepared myself to enter the world of the grown-ups. After 2 interviews I finally managed to secure a position at a company doing who knows what in administration. I don’t really know much about the job. All I care about is that I’ll get money and it means that I won’t have to move back home. It’s only temporary (3 months) and the pay isn’t great (£7.44/hour) but I don’t plan on staying there for long. I’ll keep looking and hoping that I’ll manage to find something better.

My parents think I’m aiming too low. My dad thinks I need to be really ambitious and not get too comfortable. Basically they want me to do a graduate scheme because they fast track you into management. I wouldn’t mind doing that but I have no idea what kind of graduate scheme I would want to apply for. I would say that’s a pretty big hindrance. I don’t see the problem in working for a couple of years and then apply once I’ve figured out what I want to do.

My worry for now is accommodation. I now have a job in Norwich but the contract on the house I’m in at the moment runs out at the end of June. My housemate and I are going to live together and we are looking for 2 bedroom flats but the problem is that you have to put a lot of money upfront, money that I don’t have. I’m hoping that my parents will support me and help me out until I have enough money myself but since my dad is currently out of work because his contract has finished and I haven’t spoken to my mum about it, who knows what’s going to happen?

[monz204]

Tinder adventures

I have been on 7 dates with 5 different people I’ve met from tinder. None of them have worked out. The most recent guy was really nice and seemed to have a good sense of humour but he wasn’t the best kisser. This wasn’t the only reason I decided to end things by the way. Something just didn’t feel right in my gut and we all know we should follow our gut.

I’ve realised from these several dates that kissing is a crucial part of whether you like someone or not. I didn’t kiss all 5 guys, only 2 and this isn’t me trying to be shallow. I’m just trying to be honest. I’m not the only one who thinks that a guy being a good kisser is really important. Being with the right person means that they have to turn you on and kissing is essential to this build up. I don’t understand how people think that too much teeth, too much tongue and trying to eat my face are good ways to make kissing enjoyable.

[monz204]

Went out for dinner the other day and went to Frankie and Benny’s which was really nice. I had a good time and good food which all made for a good evening but the rest of it wasn’t quite as good. The plan was that we had dinner and then came back to our house with our guests and play drinking games. We did just that but for some reason something wasn’t quite right. First off, Helen and Rachael weren’t drinking because they had to do work the next day, which is fair enough and nice and sensible especially for final year of uni. Secondly, everyone seemed to be really tired. I was the only hyper one and I was clearly the one most affected by alcohol. I had the whole night built up in my head to be amazing and such good fun but it fell flat unfortunately. It kind of seemed like wasted alcohol. Nonetheless, the main thing I take from that evening is that it was a chance to hang out with my friends :)

When everyone was leaving Ricardo stayed sat, clearly not intending to move…until one of our guests asked if he was leaving too. He decided to leave reluctantly and then I got a message when he’d got home saying that he wanted to ‘spend more time’ with me. We know what that is code for haha. I told him that it wouldn’t have been the best idea seeing that both of my housemates were in. I would have been up for him staying longer but I don’t think my housemates would have been too happy…

That’s a rant for another day.

[monz204]

Different date

I went on a date with a guy called Ryan. We had been talking for 1 day and I got asked on a date which I was happy with :) We had organised an evening where it was after my assessments but then I just thought ‘what the hell?!’ So we had a last minute date and went for a drink in a casual pub.

I ended up leading the conversation and there were a few awkward pauses in the first half of our date. I felt like I was interrogating him at one point haha. The second half of the date was better because it seemed like he felt a lot more comfortable talking to me. To be fair to him, he said he was a quiet person and he did say he would be nervous. Who wouldn’t be? He offered to drop me home which was nice because he still had a bit of a drive back to his. I felt bad that he dropped me home and had to go out of his way so I invited him in. He didn’t stay for very long, (when he got up to leave it was 12:50am), but before he left we kissed. And then we kissed again at the door and I have to say that I like his kisses :D

We are still texting and we have both confessed that we would like to see each other again but we have yet to organise another date so I have no idea when we will kiss again but I hope it’s soon!

[monz204]

Friends with benefits

After my housemates went home for Easter I was in the house all by myself and I felt lonely so I decided to ask Ricardo over to watch a film. We had a good time chatting after the film and nothing happened between us but it was nice to have some company. Despite this, I realised that it was difficult to see him alone because it just made me like him more :/

I sent him a message saying exactly that and decided that it would be best if we only saw each other when we have get togethers. Then I changed my mind.

I invited him over to watch a film and afterwards we ended up chatting about friends with benefits. At one point I thought that he was trying to convince me to sleep with him but I purposefully didn’t shave my legs so that I wouldn’t be tempted haha.

After he left I sent him a message saying that I would consider friends with benefits and if we did have sex it would have to be the next day because then I would still have the house to myself. I thought long and hard about it and gave him the go ahead.

We ‘benefitted’ but we didn’t cuddle which is a key rule for friends with benefits. At least he didn’t leave straightaway, we talked for a quite a while which is good. However the sex wasn’t the best.

Firstly, I think I tightened up after not having had sex in over a year. Secondly, I wasn’t completely relaxed seeing as I was freaking out slightly at the fact that I was having sex with my friend, therefore, I was nervous. Thirdly, he didn’t do anything to me. That’s right, no foreplay!!!! Wtf!!! I didn’t want to say anything because it was our first time but seriously not cool.

All I can say is hopefully next time will be better.