Nearly every day I am legitimately afraid I will find my mother dead. It’s not an irrational fear. I’ve woken up to or seen many of her accidents. Her body is as delicate as porcelain. She is so fragile that I am beyond terrified now. My mind sometimes imagines the worst that could happen to her, and it actually brings me into a panic where I have to retreat to a quiet place and force myself to think of anything else.
Most of my life, my mom has had bad health but the last couple of years have been so devastating and now she is at the point where she is house ridden, can’t lay in a bed, can’t prepare her own meals, and needs to be sponge bathed. She is in so much pain and she is incredibly sad. It’s hard for me. She is my best friend and the person I am closest to on this earth. I miss how she never wanted to be at home bored. I miss how we went out and got smoothies or coffee. I miss how we used to window shop at the mall. I miss how we used to go to HomeGoods and look at furniture and home decor even though it bored me at the time. I miss how we would hop in the car and sing our favorite songs while driving through the farmland, staring out into the fields and laughing.
Her quality of life has worsened so much and her health has become so bad, I am just so scared. I tuck her in so carefully at night, afraid of what I don’t know. Seeing her like this is destroying me.The uncertainty is terrifying.
