MoriartyNotProfessor @moriartynotprofessor - Tumblr Blog

illiterate dairy maid in 1750, hundreds of years before germ theory was even thought of: because of my exposure to cowpox, im immune to smallpox. if we expose people to cowpox, they won’t die of smallpox

upper middle class college educated mother with internet living in the year of our lord 2018: vaccines are the devils handiwork and a conspiracy i’d rather my child die of polio than be the autism

samaraweaving

sseureki

THICK DADDY M’BAKU

ruinedchildhood

neonprotagonist

Girls Scouts encounter Bigfoot the most frequently. Part of their oath is to keep him a secret because he’s very kind and makes up 30% of their revenue due to his fervent love for thin mints.

hlahlahlahlahly

As a Girl Scout leader, I am telling you that this is NOT true, and any former girl scout that says it is, should think about what they are saying and what oaths they may have sworn in the past

dog: lets out the most genuine & affected sigh possible

me: what's happened? who or what has brought such suffering upon your world-weary, furry shoulders? can i do anything? can anything be done? will you ever be at peace? please rest

scully

They’re not wrong…

mamalazzer

The similarities between Captain America and Austin Powers

(I don’t know why I did this)

babies-come-with-hats

Just to be clear, Hillary Clinton could straight up die and relay her orders to the oval office every morning via a fuckin ouija board and she’d STILL be a better president than Trump

caramelalmonnd

canada sort of had this form of government for a while way back so. can confirm, necrocacy for the win

caramelalmonnd

boy am I glad you asked

i’m gonna do this from memory so i’m sorry if the details are vague or a lil wrong… i am but a humble canadian history student.

so. it wasn’t a zombie. it was actually a oujia board a la OP’s idea. but see, the canadian public didn’t know about it — so it was like, a secret nercrocratic dictatorship. not a dictatorship, that is an exaggeration. but i mean… imagine the conspiracy theorists being like… the country is secretly run by ghosts… and they’re right about it.

basically, William Lyon Mackenzie King, canada’s on-again off-again PM during parts of WW1 and the depression and WW2 (he was super wishy-washy on stuff, which meant he lost office often, but also meant it was easy for him to get back into office) was secretly an edgy gothik preteen. and also an orphan. because he was a firm believer in the occult and privately used ouija boards to have consultations with his dead parents to make political decisions sometimes. that was a thing.

for example he communed with the ghosts to decide whether to declare war when hitler started being an ass and england was all like, yo, canada, we’re going to war and as you’ve recently been given autonomy we have to ASK you whether you wanna fight too. so King asked the ghost of his dead father and the dead father was like “nah son, hitler totally just got shot by some polish guy and is dead. you’re fine.”

spoiler alert, he wasn’t dead. but King of course trusted his dead dad who, being dead, is clearly the expert on death and dead things. which is why canada didn’t join WW2 right away. we didn’t get in on the conflict until later.

(of course, though, we didn’t learn about King’s involvement with the dead until he was dead himself and historians started going through his diaries like the creepers that historians are. i bet that was a bit of a shock…)

tl;dr a ghost dictated canada’s involvement in the second world war and shit was cray. you can watch the episodes of ‘canada: a people’s history’ pertinent to King’s lifetime and learn all about it. peace dog

leeshajoy

Okay but I wanna know how the conversation went between Minister King and his dead dad the next time they were in contact. “Oh, wait, you meant that Adolf Hitler? Oops, sorry.”

obsessedwithass-deactivated2024

okay but get this:

a tv reality show that is just tom hardy living at old friends senior dog sanctuary for a month

@goddessvicky

Corgi on a Carousel

HIS NAME IS MEATBALL

(via AdmiralSkippy)

kanjabeto-deactivated20180421

he ended him

huffylemon

Greek Mythology/Roman Empire on tumblr

apocalypticvalraven

I couldn’t read that last one and not see this face

“toO LaTE!”

somethingwickedthiswaylives-dea

Oh my god. I love this.

iamghosts

I’m dying. It’s too early for this shit.

xnoplacetohidex-deactivated2019

Yes!

functioning-minne-holic

😂

the-gin-girl-deactivated2017031

2nd favourite tumblr post ever.

an-ocean-of-eloquence

I laughed so hard. Now I wanna see your first @the-gin-girl ;)

tastefullyoffensive

(via reaptherekt)

thebibliosphere

I’ll never not be amused by the fact that I can drop the words “crucifix nail nipples” into a conversation and some of you who have been with me since the livejournal days will join me in the flashbacks, screaming and crying all the way.

hadanelith

I require context. Because this is a very interesting start of a story, and now I need the rest of it. Could I get a link, or a summary, or something? Pretty please?

thebibliosphere

All right buckle the fuck up kids, it’s the year 2012 and I’ve just been handed what should be an easy editing gig by my senior editor. It’s a vampire erotica story because one of the final Twilight movies is about to come out, and everything is vampires. Everything. I haven’t edited a single thing in months which isn’t about vampires. I am ready, I can do this. So I open the file and notice there’s a typo in the title, which really should have been my first inkling that something horrendous was about to go down, but you see I’m not quite dead inside yet so I carry on, bushy tailed and bright eyed with my faith in humanity intact. It’ll be dead by page 24, but I don’t know that yet. I’m just editing one more vampire boner fest.

The MC is a girl who we’ll call Sue. Sue is a Good Girl™, Sue is Not Like Other Girls™, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad Boy™ for a boyfriend. We’ll call him Dickhead.

Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One™ but he loves her really so it’s okay. Except it’s not okay because Sue is a Good Girl™ and holding out till marriage which he’s fine with except he’s got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words “hey stud” and he follows, dick out before she’s even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she’s a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he’ll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he’s a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it’s about to get weirder.

Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love™ who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! He’s been “instinctively protecting her from rapists” by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because that’s not fucking terrifying at all.

Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she’d let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can’t decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don’t mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.

If you’ve only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve.

So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: “her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn’t stop”

This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be “god fucking dammit” as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that I inflicted it on other people too, like @ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years.

When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with “a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower” (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there’s more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I’ll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and it’s all a bit of a blur.

A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART” and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn’t take it. I emailed the chief editor like ?????!!!!!!????!!!!!! and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement.

And that’s the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because I stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. You’re all fucking WELCOME.