God i feel this. Ive been pushing through a flare for weeks now and I was sick for two weeks recently and every time i lay down i FEEL MY BONES
like i was laying in bed last night and i kept seeing freaky images of spiders and like spongy bone crumbling while in blistering pain in my hips and knees
Like the only thing that my brain could do to cope was feed me images that it associates with this kind of fight or flight from the pain.
It was so weird and i couldnt find any position that helped at all.
The exact millisecond I start to gain some momentum and progress in my career or home life or social life my body just goes to shit and I get fucking sick.
Im so goddamn tired of being unable to make commitments and having to cancel on things last minute ESPECIALLY important work commitments i just want to be normal and do normal things FUCK!
I feel like everybody hates me and thats not even like a crazy intrusive thought its probably the fucking truth because i bail all the time i would hate me too!
No. I need a constant distraction from the pain I am in. I promise you, you'd rather see me play solitaire on my phone for 45 mins than deal with me while being fully aware of my body. I PROMISE YOU I am listening better if i'm fiddling on my phone than if I'm sitting and being aware of my agony.
Also to everyone who has ever called me an iPad kid, die in a hole.
ADHD at night: I could write a book. I could get my Master’s Degree. I could go to the club and come home with 12 new friends. I could get a job at that club and meet the mother of my children. I could cure every disease and use my wealth to bring world peace.
ADHD during the day: Fold laundry too hard :( Come back next week
I hate being in a flare up not only for the obvious reasons like being in constant pain, fatigue, etc.
But for the fact that I am not able to experience senses the same as when im feeling better.
The same flavors that i usually love and crave just taste bland, like im licking a plastic film thats covering the actual flavor.
Colors are duller. I only hear sounds that are either loud or innately obnoxious. I miss a lot of social cues and don’t notice when someone might be talking to me. I cant feel the warmth of the bath im taking or the softness of my cats fur. It all just feels incomplete.
Im just a shell. My body is so busy struggling to tune out as much of the pain and discomfort and fatigue as it can that it just tunes out everything. And the worst part is it Doesn’t. Even. Work. Im still in so much pain i cry myself to sleep at night and wake up feeling like I’ve been run over 6 or 7 times. And ive been robbed of my ability to at least experience the world as well!
This is why somatic therapy has been so helpful to me. It helps me to come back into my body and experience the world around me, even if its only for a moment.
This comic isn't perfect. I started it back in October 2023, and every time I picked up my pen, I wept.
I bring this to you today, on 9/11, in hopes that you reflect on this day a little differently than how most Americans would. Let it move you to continue to boycott, protest and challenge your family, friends and colleagues. You have a bigger impact than you would believe.
Thank you for reading this with an open heart.
From the river to the sea...
I'd like to bring to attention the fact that the figures depicted above are a gross undercount of the actual number of deaths. I scoured the internet high and low to source my findings and not a single one could break down the devastation that befell an individual ethnicity. Instead, they lumped a bunch of ethnicities together, provided a general timeline, and called it a day, reinforcing the sheer scale of dehumanization propagated in the west. The only consistency between all the articles I looked up was the 4.5 to 4.7 million figure I've included above, and even then, they were all published by western media news outlets... the very same that have been so unreliable and complicit in the genocide of Palestinians today. So I have to take everything they say with a grain of salt.
We are not just numbers.
All of us have ambitions and desires and lives worth living.
With that said, this is your friendly reminder to:
Donate an e-sim
Donate to PCRF to provide Palestinian children aid
Donate to Pious Projects to provide woman with feminine hygiene kits
Donate to CareForGaza to provide food to displaced families in Gaza either through their Gofundme or their paypal
Donate to any of the vetted gofundme campaigns on GazaFunds to help Palestinians trying to flee Gaza.
And if you or someone you know sees or experiences a hate crime and can afford it, SUE. This is a more effective use of your money than most realise. The reason zionists act with impunity is because of the normalization of white supremacy and oppression of ethnic minorities. Challenging that in any capacity tells them that there are consequences to their actions and makes them think twice before engaging in hate crimes and helps raise all of us up against the systems currently in place that let them get away with it.
If you can't donate or spend any money, you can:
Do your daily clicks.
Boycott targeted companies on the BDS list (if you're like me and you don't want a single dollar to go towards anything supporting Israel right now, you can use Bdnaash to double check what products are okay to buy, but the BDS list is sufficient as it is a strategic attack and proven very effective thus far)
Flood your representatives emails and voicemails with how you won't be voting for them unless their politics align with an immediate ceasefire in Gaza.
Attend a protest, be LOUD.
Challenge your circle of friends, family and colleagues with conversations about Palestine. (THIS IS THE MOST UNDERRATED AND MOST EFFECTIVE THING YOU CAN DO)
and if you're really up to, be disruptive in any capacity that you can think of towards major corporations benefiting from this onslaught. (i.e. halting military manufacturers from production + shipments, sticking boycott stickers on products at your market etc)
And finally, if your country wasn't mentioned in the above excerpt, it was no deliberate omission on my part and I encourage you to come forward and tell your story about the suffering of your people so that this may be a learning opportunity for everyone.
becoming ill/disabled is hard. changing your whole life around to a new routine and new normal is hard. complaining is okay. being angry or upset is okay. it's normal. all that matters is that you prioritize yourself and keeping yourself safe. don't let that anger turn too far inwards. don't let the grief drag you under. there will always be things in life to enjoy and love that will be within reach. always.
I went on a week long vacation that consisted of a lot of long car rides, beind a DD for a wedding, going on hikes and walking around a lot. I didnt bring my walking aids because i didnt want to explain to my parents why i used them or be judged and told it wasn’t necessary or that i was doing myself a disservice by using them. I was in the most immense physical pain of my life from doing things i used to be able to do every day of my life when i lived there as a kid. I cried every night, my pulse ox was consistently below 85% (this is at 8k elevation or higher), and i slept very minimally. I had abdominal pain and SI pain like never before. I was trying my hardest just to stay functional, and ended up being grumpy and snappy often theoughout the trip, but I had a good time and tried to focus on seeing friends and family, and making the most of everything.
This weekend my own mother called me the “angriest person she’s ever met”. That broke me.
I tried to explain that I have been living in extreme physical pain since sophomore year of high school. That most days my pain scale is at a 5 or higher. That im exhausted. That im losing grip on reality and that nothing i have tried has helped. That didn’t matter. She told me to work on being mindful, and sent me a $5 daily gratitude journal.
I really thought I was doing my best to be as kind and gentle and understanding as I could. But even my sibling and partner told me after this conversation with my mother that I am often angry, and snappy, and rude.
I am honestly at a loss for what to do, or how to even proceed with my life. Im terrified that i am just a giant asshole that no one wants to be around. I want to protect my peace, but i don’t want to hurt the people around me. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who I want to be. I have felt like I’ve just coasted through the last 5 years of my life. Is this all i have left for my future? To be in so much pain and grief that im just miserable to be around? To drive anyone i get close to away from me?
I know theres more to life than this. And that good things are happening and will continue to happen, and that i need to stay positive and look on the bright side. Its just difficult when im told im failing when ive been working so hard.
kianamaiart
theartofmadeline
kaledo-art
prguitarman
tangentwithtanner
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