this will probably one of my first longer posts on here. this blog is my diary for things left unsaid in my real world. i literally have no one to talk to about this relapse and whats going on, even though i really want to tell my boyfriend I’m struggling (he knows i had an eating disorder but no idea i relapsed)…
i thought that for some dumb reason it would be under control this time and id be able to manage it without it taking over every single thought, every single second. but oh was i wrong..
yes i have lost about 15lbs in the last month. Partially from healthy means but then i got extremely triggered by counting my calories and being so focused on food that i relapsed. (And there is this one spo at my gym >.<)
but anyways yesterday i told myself id try to stop focusing on it so much and ate a little more than usual. I couldn’t not track it and constantly think about how it was gonna make me fat. Im constantly battling between wanting to look healthy but wanting to be so skinny and its so hard :/. I know realistically what is right but i dont really want that.
Last year i was at my lw 100lbs and i never appreciated it because i didn’t intend to be that light (although i never ate it wasn’t super intentional but i knew it was making me lose weight so i didn’t mind) i used to constantly get comment that i was skin and bones. And i couldn’t comprehend it and couldn’t believe it was true.
when January 2024 hit my boyfriend (whom-is also quite skinny) wanted to start weight lifting and i hadn’t weight-lifted in 5+ years at this point so i said let give it a try. (I weight-lifted after my first recovery attempt back when i was younger) so i figured it would be easier to get my body where i want this time around.
I gained 30lbs with a lot of fat and go so triggered everyday after a few months i had to buy new clothes and i felt like a fucking pig ;-; my bf loves me no matter what of course but i couldn’t take it, i spilled out of everything and my old clothes i felt comfy in became too tight..
so in October set a goal to get down to 110lbs healthily i started tracking my calories and eating healthier and making more whole food choices than i was making before. Then I kept getting triggered about how slow my progress was and wanted to rip my skin off my body because i was so uncomfortable in myself.
thats when i relapsed and chose to relapse. Yes it was a choice. I missed that i didn’t appreciate the body i had at my lw and i wanted it back so desperately and now its all i want.
Back to present day then.. i was telling myself now since i lost the majority if the weight i can stop counting my calories and eyeball what i want to eat to lose weight. But i can even do that now. automatically im tracking my calories and body checking myself everyday. my mind is constantly on what ill look like when i get to my goal and telling myself “dont slow down wtf are you on”
i thought i hadnt relapsed too deeply but the moral of the story is that i did and ive gotten quite bad again. Im upset at myself but this disorder is my only sense of control and peace in my adult life rn. But that would be another rant
if you read this all the way through bless your heart and stay safe
