A *quick note from my suppressed consciousness.
It has been slowly rising up from my subconscious to my awareness that I am incredibly depressed. I really don't have any outlets for this newfound discovery, so I'm posting on Tumblr where I feel I can say what I want and it will most likely just get lost amongst the memes and posts that people actually want to read.
A quick recap of my current life: I am 29, have a wife and 2 children. I work at a grocery store as a supervisor making roughly $17/hr. My wife does not work, meaning I bring in 100% of the income. She stays at home raising our boys. But not "our" home, because I can't afford to pay rent and feed my family and supply them with clothes and other necessities. In the state of NV I only qualify for about $65 in foodstamps. So there is this impending and constant struggle for money. The past year I was paying about $1000.00 a month for rent. But I was over drafting every pay check and borrowing money when I got the chance. Shitty. And I cope with the financial struggle with alcohol. I'm not going to consider myself an alcoholic, because if there is liquor around, I don't care. I drink beer. Love it. Can't wait to get off work and have a few beers . Everyday. I'm not at rock bottom but I can see the floor beneath my feet. So I moved my family out of the apt. And into my grandfathers house. He's 92. Love him. My dad also lives here as kind of caregiver. Him and I don't get along. Like, at all, we don't fight. It's more passive aggressive over everything. Literally the smallest stuff.
So I've covered my finances and my stressful living situation with family. Now, my wife is everything to me. I love her with everything I got. But I feel like I can't make her happy. She does so much for us and the household and is mega under appreciated.. And for whatever reason I can't seem to please her emotionally or sexually. I mean, I've become such a "type a" person. Very logical and straight forward. That I don't stop to just enjoy our time together. And with the kids it's like we never have time to be Kyle and Britt. We Are always playing Mom and Dad. We don't really trust anyone to watch our kids. Weird. I know. But when we do have babysitters we can't just let loose. And this is all raking a toll on our marriage and our friendship. I have become so reluctant to do any activities or even play with my kids. I'm distancing myself and I hate myself for it. I see that I am acting just like my mother did towards me. And it fucking pisses me off. I want to be a better father. But I feel so drained after work. I come home and everyone is asleep. I wake up with them in the morning groggy and I make them breakfast and try to spend a bit of time with them before I go to work. But I end up playing video games or sitting on my phone scrolling and scrolling. I pretty much shut out my wife and kids from my consciousness and escape for a bit into the internet. And I know it's detrimental to both my kids perception of me and my marriage. I know my wife is unhappy. I can feel it and see it. And I'm unhappy despite laughing and wearing a smile. And my wife knows it.
First off. Sometimes I have performed amazing. Like we both finish and are sweaty and everything was perfect. But for the most part. I'm a disappointment. To myself and my partner. Whether it's my wife now, or girlfriends in the past. I struggle with ED, and sometimes I don't finish or most often, I finish far far to soon. The later is the most common now. I'll be super horny, ready to have sex, my wife not so much, okay, I'll warm her up and turn her on. But with living at my grandpa's house who's always home. And having the boys running around or distracted for a short time with TV/electronics. She can't get in the right state of mind. So it's bad for her because she can't let go enough to actually enjoy the 4 minutes I offer of actually sex. And I'm so stressed about being quick or trying to get her excited enough to feel something that I ejaculate to soon, no condoms, only pull out. And literally the second I feel my orgasm, I get overwhelmed with disappointment. And I apologize to my wife. For the lame sex. Was that really great for me and I know it wasnt great for her. But I feel so ashamed about it. That most days when I feel horny I'd rather just rub it out in the bathroom and get it over with. So I don't have to go through that disappointment again. And that alone is one of the most depressing things I've ever admitted.
I'm a flirt, I have this horrible habit of attracting the attention of any woman that will give me the time of day and over flirting just to feel wanted. I never have had girls look my way growing up. My teenage years were spent needing out with video games and music to really have girls chase me or flirt with me. Idk how to act in those situations, and after being married for over 4 years now. And not actually wanting to pursue any other woman, I flirt so hard. I talk to almost all the girls at work like I'm only interested in them and I make them feel special and act like I just want to take them to the supply closet and make out. Of course that never happens. I just spit horrible game and they giggle or laugh and everyone feels a bit lighter after. But it is such a shitty perception to place on other people. That's not who I am. Im not actually interested in fucking or dating these girls. In fact I don't particularly even care for their wellbeing. I just like the attention and reactions I get. Twisted. I do however stare and gawk at pretty girls that I don't know like a fucking wolf in the old cartoons. I just feel so sexually deprived that I want to fuck everything. But when presented the opportunity to legit have 1 night stands. I freeze up and bail, because not only is adultery a shitty thing to do but I would just be a major disappointment to that girl and to myself. That is what keeps me loyal to my wife, the fact that I don't offer great sex. I can talk game and get a girl interested but the rest is just filled with to much anxiety.
So after all these things happening on the regular, I drown out my sorrow with beer and video games and flirting, I also love porn, would watch everyday can't get enough. 4 vices I didn't even know I had acquired.
The scary thing is that I spend so much time numbing and neutralizing my depression and anxiety that I don't known who I am as a human. Like, looking back I can see all these characters I played. All these roles I filled to have friends. And now instead of friends, it's coworkers and my family. Am I a good or bad father or am I just pretending to be. Do I actually enjoy things or is it fake emotion. I can't tell what is real feeling and what is forced. I just look forward to the next beer or video game etc... #whoami
End rant. Thank you Internet.
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