I want to talk about a very specific trans boy experience today: female friends or family members trying to pull you into „all men suck“ conversations.
These might not be outright biological essentialism conversations (some pseudoscientific nonsense like „Men are biologically hardwired to be abusive and violent“). Most often, it’s just private rants: their boyfriend did something shitty or a male customer at work acted creepy or their ex cheated and they are actually just mad at that guy specifically but express it in a „why are all men always shitty“ way.
It’s a special type of uncomfortable. They are indirectly, subtly misgendering you by excluding you from „all men“ as a group (even if they do not directly say „I see you as a girl and therefore expect you to agree with me that men, which to me you are not a part of, are assholes“ out loud and they may in fact not even consciously think that, they do put you in a separate category than men just by silently assuming that they can say „all men are shit“ to you without insulting you.)
But it’s a type of misgendering that can’t just simply be fixed by changing the words used. It’s not a „You are my sister“ „Please call me your brother“ situation that can be corrected just like that. You likely would not feel much better if they went „all men, including you, are shit“ instead.
It’s not a linguistic problem, it’s a worldview problem, and those are much harder to correct. The actual issue is, of course, the assumption that a group of individuals can be by default bad due to something that’s out of their control - and that applies to „men“ as a group as much as it would apply to „women“ or „people of color“ or „elderly people“ or „gay people“. Saying „all of them suck“ just… sucks.
Individuals can be shitty for lots of things that are within their control: their behavior, the way they treat others, their opinions etc. And some groups hold a special power position in society that makes it easier for them to be shitty and not face serious consequences. That does apply to „men“ as a group, and maybe for that reason we can not fully equate saying „all men suck“ with saying „all women suck“ - the latter is born in a misogynistic society, the former may just be a simplistic way to express „the patriarchy allows or even rewards male individuals for shitty behavior“. Which may just be why this stereotype of „women bond by getting together and complaining about how all men suck“ exists in the first place!
But that’d be a whole lot to say when all your sister wants to do is just to go „Ugh all men are the same, I just found out my boyfriend cheated on me again, I hate men!“ and get a sympathetic „Men are the worst!“ back. You may not want to go „well actually, gender does not make anyone a cheater, your boyfriend is just an asshole, but then again growing up in a patriarchal society may play a role in why you forgave him the first time, so I understand your frustration, it’s a nuanced topic“ right there - or at least I do not when I find myself in that position.
So, I just want to give you a hug and tell you that I get it. You’re allowed to feel uncomfortable with it.
tangentwithtanner
stormborns
blakekathryn
2087
