Memoirs

[msblackriver]

I Worked With a Future Racist Cop at a Popular Asian Restaurant

When I worked at this popular Asian chain restaurant (y’all have heard of it). I witnessed the beginnings of a white racist cop. It actually was the most racist environment I've ever been in. During my 6 month stay there, I heard many racist remarks and unnecessary identifications of someone’s skin color. I did not for the most part say anything until one day I did. I admit I probably should have said something much sooner but I've always been non confrontational and for that reason I allowed them to make me uncomfortable every day. The vast majority of the server staff there was Asian, and the level of prejudice was beyond belief. Where waitresses would constantly complain when they got a “brotha sista” table, “brotha sista” was their way of saying ‘black’, they called white people simply “american”, see any problems here? The majority of the servers participated in these conversations.

Most days it was this type of prejudice I would witness, “why you give me all the brotha sista?” they would complain to the host. 3 of the 4 hosts were black or mixed, 2 of them were the sons of the GM who was Japanese, their mother was black. I was told that certain hosts worked with certain waitresses and gave them better tables which of course meant white people. The GM’s kids seemed used to hearing this stuff. I never saw them participate in it but it seemed they were good friends with one of the worst offenders, they were also teenagers.

The person I am today would not have waited nearly as long to say something, and probably would not have worked in a horrible environment like that for that long. But I also have to accept that was who I was. I was someone who didn’t speak up when I should have. I was at times triggered and highly uncomfortable but I was silent, by being silent they may have assumed that I was okay with it or that I wasn’t black? I somehow was not black to them I was “other”, this is part of the reason I had a fly on the wall experience I believe? My appearance to some is not ‘their’ definition of black, I am East African and some East Africans have this sort of response from people, as we generally don’t look African American. For many people if you don’t fit this mold then you aren’t black to them. This explains why it may of been said initially but my silence is what kept it going.

The sad truth too is that when you don’t say something people will just become more and more comfortable, and their offenses gradually become worse and worse; this is human behavior. This I guess is why one day they were able to have such a disgusting conversation within earshot of me.

The staff was mainly Asian and Hispanic, with a few Black, Indian, and White employees.

The reason they didn’t want the “brotha sista” was because they didn’t tip. There is some truth to this as I found out after working there but still… You gotta take the L sometimes as a waiter/waitress, also if you know that your restaurant is a popular spot for black people, I just don’t see what’s the point of complaining every time you get a black table. The Minneapolis was about 18% black at the time. Of the diners in the restaurant I would say about 30% were black, we knew this, accept it and move on.

One black woman asked for her ice cream before the food, and that really set off the top server, “Stupid black girl! she want her ice cweam befo’ da food.” Why did she have to point out her race? Entirely unnecessary and suggested that she thought black people as a whole were stupid. The same woman later on in a moment of understanding how what she said could be offensive said that they “didn’t want the black customers because they didn’t tip, if they tip it ok, Mexican don’t tip either, Asians don’t tip either but they cheap so cheap they don’t even go out to eat so we don’t worry about them, they don’t come here.” So there you have it, it was strictly about the money, but still not o.k. to profile your customers based on the color of their skin. There were a few, very few who did not participate in all this bullshit but the majority of them did.

In the beginning I thought I should call John Quinones so they could do an undercover expose for ABC. One day they really pushed it over the edge. The atmosphere was uncomfortable for me but made it very comfortable for the two white boys there. Now that racist shit was bad coming from the Asians but sounded even worse coming from the white boys, it may not be right but this is just how I felt. Again it was the daily “brother sista” talk, they moved in and adapted to the lingo “oh God” they would say disappointed “more brotha sista.”

That was pretty much what it was until one day I overheard the worst conversation I've ever heard. The 3 of them sat there discussing the previous day, it was the 2 white boys and an Asian woman (the top Server). Mathew’s father had come to the restaurant the night before and was seated with black people, he complained and asked to be moved because “they were so loud and stupid.” This was all said with a laugh and received laughter from the other 2. “Yeah my dad does not like black people”, again said with a laugh and everyone was just very amused. The restaurant was community style seating which meant you could be seated with another group of people if you had less than 8 in your party. The conversation continued and it took an even worse turn where Mathew says that his dad told him that he should be a cop and work in Texas, “there you can beat the shit out of black people and get away with it.” I could not believe what I was hearing, my blood was boiling now, a few minutes later I confronted him.

“What you were saying a few minutes ago is not cool.”

He looked caught off guard, his eyes were wide.

“Are you a racist?” not sure why I asked.

“Um no i’m not, my dad is.”

“Well whatever you believe you can talk about it at home or with your friends but you can’t talk about that shit here at work.”

“I’m really sorry, I’m not a racist my dad is.”

He apologized a few times, he was nervous, the asshole piece of shit felt bad for being called out. I sat at a table and vented, my Filipino coworker put 2 and 2 together and understood

“so when I work with you, you don’t like what I say about black people either.” She looked at me waiting for me to respond.

“Well” I said, “you shouldn’t talk bad about black people in front of black people”

“but honey why you mad you not black you half and half.” She felt what she said was o.k. because she assumed I was “half and half”, which is untrue. Her racist ass thought that a person that wasn’t full black would and should undoubtedly denounce their blackness completely. She felt guilty as she should, she was actually one of the better ones there (sad I know). I was clearly upset and it now made them uncomfortable, funny isn’t it how that works? whereas I was uncomfortable everyday. I looked over to my right gesturing towards some of our Hispanic co workers

“i’m not gonna talk bad about Mexicans in front of them.” She so quickly and eagerly wanted to correct me and make me the bad guy, “but see they don’t like that either, they not all Mexican some of them are Salvadorian.” She was telling me something I already knew, the fact though is that some of them were Mexican, and I just used that as an example. She was so desperate to make me wrong to make me the same as her because she thought the whole time that what she said was cool. The funny thing is I never even called her out, she called herself out. I was talking about the white boy and what he said, she basically turned herself in. Even if I mistakenly called a Salvadorian a Mexican that isn’t racist that’s just ignorant, that doesn’t mean there is necessarily hate behind that, she was gas lighting to save herself. Here I was upset and she is there accusing me making me more upset.

Unfortunately this type of racism and prejudice is very common, fortunately for many of them they will not be in positions that determine the fate of black people. Their racism will not go beyond an unwelcoming demeanor in the area of which they live and work. Not offering the same level of service and good citizenship to customers and co inhabitants of their city based on a persons perceived race. Speaking negatively of other races when they feel they are not around. For a few they will enter positions where they can cause more severe harm like ‘Mathew’ who was considering joining law enforcement. I wish I remembered his last name so it would be easier to look him up, but I pray he did not join the force.

[msblackriver]

Playing With Fire

His face illuminated with light as he glanced up from the fire.  A look of thrill emblazoned his face. He was in the basement. Our scary ass looking basement with its concrete floors.  We only went down there to do laundry. His eyes glistened an excited smile, he made lines of gasoline and fluck a match. The flames sounded like wind and It reached high up to his waist.  He stared at it in amazement, for what he had created? For what God had created? For his power? It was incredibly fascinating and beautiful. I watched still standing on the staircase afraid to come down all the way.  Did he secretly want to watch the house burn? He was an adolescent then. I would never tell I was good at keeping secrets.  

PYRO MANIAC

When my parents left the house he would light these massive fires.  In the basement he excitedly poured gasoline in straight lines atop the concrete floor.  He would light it and be completely thrilled as he watched it burn. Laughing out of shock and delight, then pretty quickly he dumped a bucket of water on top of it and it was out.  He sometimes would light himself on fire. Hairspray would be sprayed on his shirt then he would strike the match and light himself up. Then of course quickly his shirt would be removed and it would be stomped or beaten out.  At any point of course anything could of gone completely wrong. I was a witness to any possible crime or self harm. I watched expressionless, I just stood still. It was a sight to see and it was crazy. He was playing with fire.  This was not to be spoken of even though we could have all been killed.  

Like Jekyll and Hyde he would flip the script when my parents weren’t home.  He would announce it before it came, this other personality. “No more Mr. Nice Guy” then he would say something mean like “eat your food fat ass.”  His whole expression and body language had changed and he was hungry for power, I felt a knot forming in my stomach.  

The basement was a disgusting hideous dungeon that you didn’t want to go down to.  We only went down there for laundry. When we had rats which I believe we had an infestation.  You would go down to the basement and see dead ones, probably some poison my father laid out. One time there was a long one cut in half.  There was also a little room down there for storage. This was public housing a 3 bedroom 1 bath in the Midway area of St. Paul Minnesota. There were plenty of kids in the neighborhood even a few biracial ones.  I wonder why they call it Public Housing? What about it is public? Is it the fact that the Inspectors are free to come when they please like a free museum? Well they came and it felt like they came often. We went through so many inspectors over the years some my mom liked and some she didn’t.  There was one named Thea or Terry or something like that and this is when we were in that Midway area house. She had to be the all time favorite giving us tickets to Valley Fair and just having a pleasant demeanor about herself. Most of them though we did not feel the same way about. My brother told me something when we were in that house on Blair that crept me out at night.  He said that the maintenance people that worked for Public Housing sometimes wouldn’t leave they stayed in your house in the storage room in the basement. I stayed up at night thinking about this.  

Maybe you wanted to die.  The excitement, the thrill of playing with life and death.  Laughing maniacally because you felt so alive. The basement is burning  it is the hell of our house. Remember when you slaughtered those chickens down there?  We carried them back home from the farm in a black garbage bag. They were alive and fluttering and clucking.  This was some sort of ancient unspoken African passage into manhood, and you were put to the test.  

[utwo]

Among the Pine

© Quin

[msblackriver]

That looks like a fantasy

[msblackriver]

There’s a big difference between Lake Como and Como Lake

There is a big difference between Lake Como and Como Lake.  One is where an A list celebrity named George Clooney owns a home and is off the coast of Italy, and the other is in the Twin Cities where my father lost his tooth eating corn on the cob.  You have to be careful when you walk to not step on the duck shit which will smear on the bottom of your shoe and on the sidewalk.  It is peaceful there, there never are many people, you can buy waffle cut french fries and walk around the lake.  You do it in passing, something to pass the time, you walk around purposeless kicking rocks and stopping to stare at the lake or a small creature.  “The houses over here are expensive” my mother said.  Snelling Ave on route there is a long a windy road, the drive there is scenic something out of a movie.  If you continue up the road you will see a white gate a place where newly weds come to take photos, then further up is the zoo and the conservatory.  Como Zoo is the saddest zoo in  probably the whole United States.  It is maybe one of the only free zoo’s as well, by the looks of it they are barely scraping by.  The Lion’s are thin and depressed and makes you think why don’t they charge admission?  My Uncle likes to go running there at the lake, the men on my mom’s side of the family are pretty athletic.  George and Amal Clooney had twins I wonder if they were natural?  Lake Como is prime real estate because of its location overlooking the Alps.  In Minnesota the white trash wanders amongst the uncomfortable white people.  White trash is very comfortable in it’s skin.  The land of 10,000 lakes and this was just 1, a small one, you always know white trash because their kids call them “mama”.

George Clooney the heart throb, women have drooled over him for decades and he’s one of the ones that gets better with age like wine.  The perpetual bachelor or so we thought until Amal.  An attractive woman without  the glitz and glam.  She is clean looking, underdone.  A human rights Lawyer and that’s how they met through his charity work.  I bet those white woman are mad tossing them aside to settle down with a brown skin.  

When we were little my mom didn’t work and when she did my father collected her checks and deposited her earnings.  At Marshalls in Har Mar mall my mom found a white blouse that she wanted, “can I have it?” she asked my father.  He mumbled slightly irritated, her question annoyed him.  “Just throw it in the cart” he told her.  My father was the KING of CHEAP.  Cheap like it was going out of style.  He would take us to Old Country Buffet where we probably lied about our age to get the under 12 discount.  It was $7, but boy we didn’t know, we loved eating there and by the time we left we had eaten probably a $100 worth.  Their fried chicken and fish fillets, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and french fries, simply the best.  You really had no room but you had to get the softserv with sprinkles on top.  When my father would pick us up on the weekends my mom would say “tell him take you to Grrround Rrround, all da time Old Country Buffet, cheap person!”  His cheapness was repulsive like his smelly feet.  She had gotten the short end of the stick.  Ground Round was next door, an American casual dining restaurant which according to my mom was much better than Old Country Buffet but we never made it inside, then it was demolished and so was the possibility.

There is also a big difference between Central Park and Central Park, one is in Manhattan and is one of the U.S.’s major tourist attractions and once again is in the Twin Cities.  One is where tourists go to experience nature in the Big Apple, the other one is where my brother lost my toy and as a result my dad told him “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE”!   It was a blue bouncy ball that bounced up really high, I was on the top of the super tall slide which was a little scary, but I couldn’t leave without going down it.  At first time it was awe striking, the tallest slide I have ever seen painted in red and silver and made to resemble a rocket.  My brother bounced my ball as high as it could go and it went so high it passed the top of the slide and touched the clouds.  He kept doing it even thought I told him to stop, that only encouraged him more because now I was challenging him.  He lost it on purpose because it was something that I liked a lot and he was jealous of me because our dad liked me more.  I was dramatic I cried about it even thought I was 9 and shouldn’t have been crying over a ball.  I felt it was my fault that he was being severely punished.  My brother was 14 and my parents argued about it.  My mom pleaded with my dad to not kick him out.  “He’s only 14! he’s a kid!” then my brother went to his friends house.  I thought that was it.  The next day my brother came back but things changed after that.  They never spoke.  They lived on different levels of the house.  My brother lived downstairs, the silence was so thick that it was aggressive.  An act of violence.  We witnessed the disowning of my brother and it was done quietly.  The silence gets us nowhere gets us nowhere way too fast.  My dad hated my brother for some reason, something we couldn’t quite put our finger on.  Could it be something other than that he ended up going down a different path than my father wanted him to? Hanging out with Black Americans and not caring about school anymore?  He ended up not going all together.  My father hated my brother and in return my brother hated him much much more.  

[msblackriver]

My brother managed to go to Florida twice in a few weeks and not see my sister once.  The level of thoughtlessness still surprises me.  So he went there for a bachelor party and through all his partying and drunkenness he couldn’t find 30 minutes to squeeze her in?  He used the excuse  it wasn’t a good time and under the circumstances... bullshit.  I understand that he wanted to drink and everything which is fine but he could of squeezed her in to his sloppy weekend.  She was willing to go to him, but he kept changing the days to “how about tomorrow?”  The thing kept getting postponed and pushed back.  He most likely was a mess of going out late drinking and sleeping in but that's your baby sister.  She offered to come to his hotel and meet him there, they could of got lunch across the street or coffee.  His friends are a bunch of “dogs” well so what don’t bring them along then.  Meet her by yourself.  Just don't make excuses, do things the right way.  You were supposed to meet the day your flight was leaving instead you didn’t call.  She didn’t call that day because you didn't respond the other days and she decided to leave it in your hands.  You said you tried calling and maybe that is true, but why didn’t you try calling again?  If there was a service issue?  You left the city without stopping by.  But somehow you could blow up her phone when you got back home.  You’re FULL OF SHIT.  If you want people to not say bad things about you do the things you are supposed to do.  Don’t make up excuses.  And you did it again a few weeks later!  What’s the excuse for that?  You were on a tight schedule and something people are supposed to believe.  It’s laughable it’s disgraceful.  You don’t treat people like that.  You and your wife went to Florida to purchase a vehicle.  Apparently the deal was so good it was worth flying halfway across country for.  Something was funny from the start you came a day before expected and she had plans for the 4th of July, ok fine the next day then.  But your wife kept trying to get out of it?  Or so it seemed to her that when she said she could stop by she was told “well if you don’t have time, don’t worry about it.”  And then she didn’t feel well and she stayed home and decided to go back to sleep.  She let her know and she was told “don’t worry about it if you feel sick, if anything we will come to you.  We can come to your neighborhood and grab some coffee.”  She went back to sleep hoping to wake up feeling better, but they never called.  They never did call. They never called until they were well on their way home a few hours on the road.  They had such a tight schedule well I doubt it was that tight because you drove back.  You had to of given yourself a few extra hours and you did because you managed to spend a night in Atlanta and even stopped to see her family in St. Louis.  She has time to see her family, but both of you are wack because you did not make time for your little sister you treated her like the stepchild, like someone that doesn’t matter.  

[msblackriver]

I always miss the sun

Everyday I have plans of meeting you  

Feeling your warmth 

When I am with you I am in the presence of a star  

They say I don’t need you but that’s not true

You make me feel more alive

Everyday I wake up too late but still I mean to make it  

I get ready and eat some food 

But by the time I leave it’s way past the time I was supposed to meet you  

You are already on your way out 

And by the time I get there you will be long gone  

I curse myself for being so unmotivated, so repetitive in my mistakes  

For not allowing myself the pleasure  

The pleasure of sitting there with you and experiencing joy in the purest form 

 When I am with you it’s like a prayer, like meditation for a scrambled brain 

Relaxation for the mind  

The pain gets lifted

But today I opted out  

What is that about?  

Opting out of joy  

Opting  out of something that is beneficial to my soul 

I opted out of feeling your touch.  

Damn I always miss the sun  

[msblackriver]

Bill Cosby was found guilty.  CNN followed him on the drive home in a black SUV.  The man is old, 80 years old.  I believe he is guilty, and I believe he is sick to have done what he did, raping women for decades and getting away with it.  I guess God didn’t want to let him go to the grave with it, they say he has a sense of humor.  He got so close but at the dusk of his life got charged.  At a time when big time Hollywood actors comedians directors have been exposed and some punished.  Kevin Spacey was replaced in a movie as a leading role  Mario Batali stepped  down from his restaurants  He will soon be bought out and receive a large sum of money so it does not look like he will suffer the consequences yet.  Some of these people are laying low out of the public eye, In the past some have fled the scene and went overseas   I do feel that he deserves it, Bill Cosby, seems that he is a narcissist and doesn't have any remorse.  Slipping quaalude's in cappuccino's no one even tells you to be careful with non alcoholic drinks.    For years he was doing this and telling black people how to act with a contemptuous air.  Unfortunately for him looks like he made some people in high places mad, they would have protected him had he not.  He pissed off the wrong person and just like that his legacy, tarnished.  His wife had to know, how could she not.  If she did not know she heard about it, because it has been talked about for as long as it's been going on according to some insiders.  Maybe she's the “marriage is sacred“ type.  I don’t know how any woman could stay with a man like that.  She should be charged as an accomplice.  Mr.Bill Cosby was lecturing and scolding black people for years.  On SNL there was a joke on the Weekend Update segment, delivered by Michael Che “No you pull your pants up!”  It was a great joke because it was his words used against him with a whole new meaning.  Had he not been degrading and ridiculing black people all this time they would have supported him and who’s to say maybe that could have made a difference.  Black people historically have supported unworthy criminals. His betrayal doesn’t end with his fans or people on the outside.  He managed to disappoint his fellow comedians as well.   People that came up watching him he shut the door on, tried to get rid of, attempted to have them cancelled.  Comedians like D.L. Hughley, Marlon and Sean Wayans, Corey Holcomb and more.  His issue with them, they didn’t promote a positive message, their act was too dirty, they used the N word.  All the while he was raping women left and right.  The image more important than your actions to a sociopath, I am not legally qualified to diagnose mental illnesses.  He told D.L Hughley in an unaired radio interview that he didn't like him because he used the N word.  To which D.L. Hughley replied "with all due respect Mr. Cosby I say nigger but no co-worker has ever woke up with her drawers on backwards."

 They would have supported him had he been nice he was described as dark and sinister by Lisa Bonet.  Of Course there are some black comedians that have his back and showed disbelief in the accusers claims. But still he could of had much more support which he killed any chance of.  Black twitter had no shame in kicking the man while he was down, they got joy out of it.  America’s father has been found guilty, what’s next?  I want to know.  Is he gonna do time?  Well if he does he probably won’t last long.  He’s already 80 i’m guessing he will die soon after they lock him up.  God didn’t want to let him get away with it.  I’m imagining he experienced this high feeling of invincibility like he was on top of the world without a care for the lives he damaged, the man that was good and wholesome.  

Whenever someone presents themselves that way we should be suspicious.  Going out of your way to prove you are a good person equals RED FLAG!  It has to be a cover up for all the dirt that they are doing.  They are redirecting your gaze, look over here! not there!  So in the event that something comes out many of us will say “no not him”  he wrote a book to empower African Americans he was a pioneer in television being the first t.v. show with a successful black family, he played Dr. Huxtable and his wife Claire was a Lawyer.  They had a bunch of children, stupid children but they were good.  He had a disdain for rap music as Oprah did (she apparently listens to Cardi B now, as posted by O magazine's IG.)  To that I say they're too old, it's not of their generation, they're not supposed to like rap because it came much later in their life, had they been born and raised into it most likely it would be a different story.  They detest shit that has to do with being black.  Well now we shall see what happens to Mr. Cosby.  I am so tired of hearing my coworkers stupid comments.  The place I work CNN is on constantly and of course this was the leading story.  One of my co workers speaking without knowing the facts stated, "well I don’t know if he did it” big smile across his face.  “I mean what girl would say no to a famous guy?”  “Are you kidding me?” I responded.  Then someone filled him in on the facts that these women were drugged which somehow he didn’t know.  He replied “oh that’s different”  Then later on started joking about the reason Bill Cosby had to rape these women was because he is so ugly.  I mean that’s just not true even jokes should make sense.  Whether he is ugly or not is personal opinion.  I personally think he was handsome as a young man.  Now he’s 80 and doesn’t look so great.  If my coworker thinks he’s ugly thats fine but thats not the reason he raped.  He has a ton of money I think most women are not that pressed on looks.  He raped because he’s sick, he clearly could of gotten many women without drugging them but he preferred them drugged?  The first comment he made was insulting but more than anything tells me about the person saying it.  I guess he would do things with a celebrity if given the opportunity so therefore he sees the world the way he sees himself through his small minded world view.  When he changed his tone talking about Bill Cosby had to rape the women because he was ugly.  I said “  I thought you said any woman would want to get with a celebrity?”  HIs response was “yeah the ones from the ghetto, they would do anything.”  How can someone manage to speak such stupidity so often.  I mean this person acts like he’s not ghetto with chickens running around his back yard and clearly is not self aware to know what is coming out of his mouth.  Nice guy but his opinions suck.  At the end of the shift the Chef came out and still it was Bill Cosby on the television.  The accuser standing there next to the lawyer and reporters, the Chef says “she’s not even pretty.”  Really?  What does that mean?  “Rape doesn’t have much  to do with looks” I said.  “It’s not just pretty women getting raped."  To which he said nothing, probably something his mind couldn’t understand.  I have heard the same comment with his other accusers, the implication is that I don’t think he would rape them they’re not pretty enough.  Well genius you did not prove anything.  Some of those women may have been pretty 30 years ago and if not what does that matter.  I swear these people are dumb, thinking they’re Sherlock Holmes and they have uncovered a mystery.  Well look at your ugly ass in the mirror.  I feel the comments were so disrespectful and I held back even though I did state my disagreement.  So disrespectful to women.  To all the victims in the world.  No wonder people don’t like to talk about it, because sadly I think most people are like my co workers.  Quick to attack the victims and accusers and laugh off the attackers actions.

Previously at work we were discussing all the other accused celebrities Harvey Weinstein,

Kevin Spacey, Louis C.K.  My coworker expressed his disbelief with “well I don’t know..."  

To which I responded.  "Well Kevin Spacey and Louis C.K. admitted they did it", so there's nothing to wonder.  As far as the others you might be able to speculate.  But when someone says they did it case closed.  I think his problem is that he speaks out of his ass not knowing the details.  He mixes each case together but each case is unique you cannot generalize and make blanket statement about all celebrities.  He also told me that a lot rappers drug girls and have sex with girls but he didn't have any names.  Just talking out his ass about some rumor that he heard.  I hate having to hear peoples comments about this topic but it goes to show you that we live in a rape culture that is quick to dismiss rape claims from women and shame women by labeling them crazy, difficult or not pretty.  Many women are afraid to speak out for fear of not being believed for fear of being blamed.  Hopefully this change continues to happen, hopefully more will be exposed and charged, that is the positive that would come out of all this.  

.

[msblackriver]

I cannot fall in love.  I have way too much man hate, way too much distrust in people, so much disappointment in my history.  I was fucked in the head early on I think.  I grew up in a home where you could not openly like boys.  It was considered cheap and whorish to comment on a boys appearance or show any interest about anyone, even an actor in a movie.  They wanted to dictate your sexuality.  Brainwash you into following their doctrine.  They were the cult leaders, the narcissist who did not care about the whole but only of themselves.  Acting out of fear they told you lies which you did not believe.  But you still did not speak about the forbidden in their house.  Sex was dirty and having sexual desires embarrassing.  Puberty a time of deep confusion because no one told you anything.  And you missed Sex Ed because your father opted out of signing the permission slip.  You sat in the next room when your classmates next door received their education.  It was confusing and embarrassing, your mother looked at you in disgust and said that you needed a bra.  Fear of intimacy and physical touch because no one touched you not even your mother.  No compassion shown from her at all.

[wheretheeternalare]

Why do people still say “this doesn’t fit my blog theme but I had to reblog anyway”? It’s almost 2018. Who gives a fuck. Who even has a coherent blog anymore

[pamisleyphd]

Reblog if you’ve never had a coherent blog and got no intention of starting that shit now

[msblackriver]

[msblackriver]

barrage of emotion

I just want someone to take the sadness away

If only for a moment if only for moments a day

But cling to me like a cloth and I will likely shrug you off

I want someone who feels my sadness

Someone that understands it

I want someone to lick my wounds to heal

I wanna feel connected to you

From when I first saw you I knew you were the type that I would like

And i was feastin’ on a dream

Not knowing what it means

I was at the park and I saw you in the desert mirage

Behind a Joshua Tree

It seemed to me that you were beautiful there

In your home where you belonged

But then you shown your teeth

And tried to hurt me

Wolf

You want to bite me then lick my wounds

So many mixed feelings

I feel attacked

With a barrage of emotion

I feel an ocean of sadness in my heart

You stood there and you looked at me

And I was captivated by your presence

I loved you but I knew that you were thirsty for blood

I knew that this was your home and I was not welcome here

The burden is heavy to bare

I was searching through the wild

Back alleys roads and local shops

I did not see you but every time I thought I did

My heart stopped

I see you everywhere and you probably don’t even care

When someone enters your life and leaves a mark

You have no choice than to know that it was real

I never let you in because I saw the beginning of the end

I was howling with laughter when

I learned how little I mattered to you

How could you

At least have the decency to lick my wounds

He came to me in a dream he was in the backyard of my childhood home

The home I came to age in

He walked out there through the back down the path that leads to the garage and walked through the alley to the neighbors basketball hoop

This was a dead end where there was a fence and on the other side is a downward hill

and then Ayd Mill road then the train tracks

Most people don’t like living on a dead end streets next to the train tracks but I think it’s magical

Because you can look down and picture yourself riding along

When the train comes it brings it’s sounds and it is peaceful

and you don’t hear nothing else

I saw you standing there the sun reflecting on your face and giving you a glow

And you smiled at me

Sometimes I forget how much I care but then I realize that the feelings are still there

I mourn your loss

And what could of been

But how could I feel so bad about something that never was

How could you never love me and end up losing my trust

How do things unravel and travel between dimensions

How does my heart love you and my mind didn’t

One theory is that we exist in another dimension

I walk through the mall pushing our baby in a stroller

The other is that my imagination ran off and I lost control

Something about your eyes makes me want to tell you everything

Something about your smile tells me that you won’t sugar coat what you think

I’m feeling weak right now and I want someone to take care of me

I want someone to say what they really mean and be tough on me when need be

I want a man where it isn’t just anything goes

A man who has high standards and when I slip lets me know

A man that expects the best out of me

A man that inspires me to be better

I don’t want a pusher or a pushover

I want to feel the compassion even when the words get colder

I want to know that you care and that I was chosen

I want to choose you

Not cling to you out of convenience

Because the nights are lonely

Because my home is empty

I want to want you in my presence

I want to meet you in the silence

I want to be blessed by your light

I don’t want to break you down and tear you up

Because your aura demands respect

Missed opportunities manifest into nostalgia

Something about your face ignites a fire in me

[msblackriver]

follow for follow

[msblackriver]

The Truth

Is it better for people to know the truth or is better for them to rot in the not knowing?  Not knowing is bliss and knowing is suffering.  Suffering that not everyone can endure.  It is impossible to know the truth about everything all the time.  Even the things that we think we know the truth about may be a misunderstanding that we only understand much after the fact.  Do we protect people from suffering?  Or do we let them be dumb?  Supply their not knowing with a false comradery of seeming to not know ourselves.  Knowing that what you know could shatter their world in a matter of seconds.  Keep them stupid and happy.  Smile like there is nothing going on and there never was and never will be.  You are protecting their health.  It is for the good of the whole that this person is being left in the dark.  What you know though is that their eyes are searching, their eyes are searching your eyes for any hint of a spark.  Any hint of a clue that their suspicions are true.  You quickly glaze over that spark in your eyes with kindness, kindness for someone else's heart that you know is not strong enough to know.  The thing is though... that they know, the thing inside that knows the truth knows.  Out of the kindness of your heart you keep them in the dark because the light is actually painfully blinding.  The light is actually a shade of darkness too troubling to see,  the light is darkness exposed.  The dark is comforting and warm like a mother’s womb.  You don’t want to make things more than they need to be, you don’t want the blood on your hands.  So everytime their eyes go searching you communicate there is nothing to fear.  For fear of a fragile heart that might be shattered beyond repair.  For fear that the truth will be too real and shockingly terrifying.  They will know what they saw in your eyes when they were searching what you tried to glaze over with kindness.  

Is it ok if you don’t tell someone what they should know because you know that they couldn't handle it?  The truth will send some people flying off a cliff.  I don’t want blood on my hands, I hope you understand.  

[msblackriver]

My brother’s multi colored polo shirt

My brothers multi colored polo shirt, he wore it all the time.  He ironed all his shirts every day along with his money.  It was important to him that he looked good and would correct any imperfections on his clothes with a marker.  A small bleach stain could be patched up with a black marker to fill in a black stripe.  A black permanent marker applied carefully.  A shirt that had shrunken in the dryer would be stretched back to its size he would hold on one end and one of us on the other and pull.  He loved money and told us he would be a millionaire.  This idea separated him from his current life.  He even promised to give us millions of dollars in the future for any small reason.  “Watch me make this hoop, if I don’t I owe you a million dollars.”  He is standing a half courts distance away.  As we are in the back alley shooting hoops at the neighbors garage.  My brothers multi colored polo shirt, he loved that shirt so much that sometimes he would wear it for 3 days straight.  He wore his girbauds low and his hair was a wild mane of curls.  He left the house with a wooden brush in his pocket and the smell of Jean Paul cologne his tan tims thudded across the floor as he walked out the back door.  At the park next to Sammy’s house no one was ever there except for us.  

   “I’m gonna cut his hair short on the sides and leave it curly on top, like mine.”  

  “Thats gonna look funny”  I said.  

  “No it’s gonna look good, it’s just that you’re not used to seeing him like that, but when you see it it’s gonna look nice.”  Sitting on the park concrete ledge behind the swingset.  He was reimaging himself, rebranding.  

[msblackriver]

Christmas

One time I saw a family at Starbucks and they seemed like so much fun I wondered what it would be like to go home with them and be a part of their family.  The feeling evokes Christmas no?  The idea of Christmas is bigger than Christmas itself.  Every year I find myself looking forward to the holiday.  It starts sometime in October or maybe November and then it starts with the all day Christmas music radio station.  You dismissed it because it was too early to get in the spirit but now it is time.  And you feel the spirit.  It’s like every Christmas movie, Christmas song and memory jam packed in a feeling and it is nostalgic.  Nostalgia the greek word nostos means return and algos means suffering.  “ So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return.”  I always thought it made people feel happy and sad at the same time, nostalgia.  What a confusing feeling of conflicting emotions in the end the sadness overwhelms the feeling of joy because it is out of reach.  Our house on Blair my parents would have parties back then when it was a close knit community.  On Christmas we had friends sleep over some on the floor.  Letenkiel one of my mom’s best friends allowed us to open one of the gifts late at night.  It was wrapped in gift wrap and it was obvious it was a video cassette.  We tore open the wrap and it was “Home Alone.”  We watched it that night and it was the greatest movie we had ever seen.  Kevin Macalester outsmarted the bad guys and was living a kid’s dream.  He was our hero.  Every Christmas after that was a disappointment.  Always high expectations but low results.  And it’s just a day!  Nothing is sadder than the day after Christmas.  That is the most nothing day of the year, actually Christmas day isn’t even that great, Christmas Eve is where it’s at.  You look like a scrub because you were up all night and woke up around noon still feeing tired.  Everyone is sitting around the house and now we have to get ready to go to the next relatives house.  We watch “Home Alone”  every year since then “you’re such a disease Kevin!”  Our once hero is now a 8 year old child who is extremely cute.  His plots against his enemies are cartoonish and he grew up to look like a heroine addict.  But still we are taken back to a time “A lovely cheese pizza just for me.”  Everyone in his family was so mean to him “you’re what the french call les incompetent.”  Now a days I look for “Christmas” in people, in the vibe of the room.  It could be a smile or a show tune played at a coffee shop.  It is a christmas feel that captures you for a moment like a flashback for a soldier it is a glimpse into something inexplicable.  A feeling of warmth and joy to be shared.  People are nicer around that time of year, more willing to give a helping hand, more generous with their heart.  In Minnesota the ground is covered with snow.  Saint Paul looks like a illustration out of a picture book or a drawing on a greeting card.  People there are nicer around the holidays than people that live in California because in California with the warm weather and sunshine it’s easy to forget what time of year it is.  

My dad used to buy gifts for us and not buy gifts for our brother which made me feel bad for him like a form of survivor's guilt.  Even though I loved my tazmanian devil watch and never left home without it.  Putting it on was a constant reminder to my brother that he wasn’t good enough and that our father loved us more than him.  He didn’t say anything though it came out in other ways.  No one bought my brother gifts anyways after 14 or 15 because nobody liked him.  He was not a good person they decided and there was no hope for him.  They were not the bad people that put limits on a child that did not offer any guidance.  He was supposed to fix himself.  He did not get a watch or words of support spoken from someone older that was looking out for you.  He was on his own.  They gave us gifts to make him less important his punishment for not being happy with the bullshit they gave.  People like you if you are happy but some people are not happy and they shouldn’t be because they have a brain.  People don’t want you to question things that want you to be dumb and happy so that they can feel better around you.  

We used to go to our aunts house on the next day but one year she started acting strange like she didn’t want to come over.  They always came on Christmas Eve her piece of shit husband and our cousins.  But one year she had a problem with us, she said we talked bad about her brother and we did not understand it.  Our cousin her oldest son had planted the seed that we were bad mouthing our uncle.  Although everything that came out of our mouths wasn’t overwhelmingly positive about him.  I wasn’t sloppy enough to talk shit, I did not talk shit about him with my cousin.  I don’t know what happened to that boy he turned out ot be such a conniving liar.  What he did was he told us our uncle didn’t like us and that he was always talking shit about us and naturally we responded with words of disagreement and self defence.  It was so long ago that I don’t remember what was exactly said but clearly this was a “set up.”  We did not know he was like that.  If someone tells you “so and so said this about you” you might respond with a eye roll and some unkind words.  You don’t expect this to be used against you.  At the time my cousin and his father were heavily beefing with this uncle and I think this was a sad attempt to turn everyone against him and him against us.  It’s not like we were sitting around just shit talking casually.  “They are talking bad about my brother and I am not coming.”  My mom didn’t want to tell us what was going on.  My uncle ignored me when I got back to L.A. not returning my calls and when I did get a hold of him being shockingly rude and abrupt.  I said “hi how are you” and he mumbled “fine how are you” except I didn’t hear him and I said “huh”?  Then he repeated “I said I am fine how are you” he said it angrily with such hate in his voice.  The words didn’t match his tone, I had to end the conversation and get off the phone.  “ I just called to say hi, i’ll talk to you later.”  We weren’t worth an explanation.  No one talked to us about it they just believe whatever they were told and hated us for it.  They were too cowardly to confront us and that is not respectable.  People can hate you and you didn’t even do anything. They’re always quick to turn on you because they think you are a horrible person and they always did.  Quick to turn on you always on edge.  When my sister eventually called my aunt to talk to her about it she told her “we don’t talk bad about Amaniel” she quickly forgave her.  “I know you guys are not like that Lu’lii”  a term of endearment for my sister so all of that was for nothing?  

The next day we went to her house anyways even though she did not want us there.  This was my mom’s idea, I would of left her alone.  So we popped up and it was apparent that she was unhappy and did not want us there but she had to open the door for us.  She wasn’t even prepared for the Holiday, no food was prepared.  She quickly started chopping vegetables and boiling pasta and put together a quick chicken pesto pasta and salad.  She set it up on the countertop buffett style.  We went into the room with t.v. and ate she slowly eased up as the evening progressed.  She began laughing and talking like a normal Christmas.  My mom didn’t want to leave her sad and lonely on Christmas because that’s not the “Christian” thing to do.  On Christ’s holiday you were supposed to cheer people up and be the bigger person.  So that night we drank coffee and watched movies and we laughed like a family.  

[msblackriver]

Joe Diggs

Joe Diggs was a cool dude his girlfriend worked at Applebee's in the E Block building of downtown MInneapolis.  She was a hostess or a greeter.  Her uniform was black with black apron and black hat, her dark black skin had a healthy sheen that was more apparent next to her dull black matte uniform.  She was pretty except she was missing teeth.  Joe Diggs was light skinned and had a clean shaven head.  I don’t believe this was by choice he was at least in his mid 40’s.  He didn’t speak much he mostly minded his business, from another era.  I was front desk security at the building he lived at.  Salvation Army Hope Harbour, a building built to help get folks off the streets, their rent was based on their income, they were required to pay 30% of what they earned.  I occasionally worked the graveyard shift, it was difficult to stay up.  Sometimes I neglected my responsibilities and went into the office and fell asleep on the floor.  One night I was looking at the cameras and there was a man with an object in the parking lot smashing at the window in one of the cars.  I watched for a few seconds evaluating my options.  I had never called the police to report a crime before, it seemed like the right thing to do but at the same time maybe something I should stay away from.  I didn’t know the guys story that was breaking into the car.  I could be sending someone to jail who may be justified in their actions.  It was my job after all I wasn’t working here for no reason so I called them, they showed up pretty quick.  They caught the guy red handed, with tool in hand he was still trying to get into the same car.  He jumped up startled he probably was a crackhead.  They handcuffed him and then asked me to come outside and take a look.  “Is this the man that you saw?”  Obviously since they caught him red handed, with steel pipe in hand smashing against a car window.  What was the need in me confirming?  To make sure there wasn’t another guy?  My mom was paranoid “what if he tries to come back looking for you, now that they made you point him out?”  Well that was taken care of I was required to fill out an incident report that would be kept on file.  Joe Diggs thought I was just a dumb young girl I could tell by his non verbal communication, but after that incident he respected me.  I had fulfilled my duty to protect the tenants of Salvation Army Hope Harbour.  When he entered the building he acknowledge me with a head nod.  He had heard of my good deed and knew that I would do the same for him had that been his car.  He walked to the elevator and went upstairs to his room with a slow middle age man swagger.  His steps were silent like he was wearing noise proof shoes, like a cat floating on a cloud.  

They brought his body down to the lobby in a stretcher.  He was pronounced dead.  Joe Diggs was dead.  They loaded him on to the ambulance and carried him away.  “It was a drug overdose” said one of the managers.  The man we didn’t know was gone.  Shortly after his death I was scheduled to do the overnight shift again.  It was a quiet night not so much eventful until it was.  First kevin came down “I saw him” he said with a look of awe in his eyes “I saw Joe Diggs.”  Then  the fat white guy “I seen him walking around” then another tenant and then another.  They had seen him roaming the halls Joe Diggs the quiet man who stayed to himself wanted to be seen after his death.  If ever you had a doubt about ghosts you might find yourself a believer that night.  I myself have never doubted the existence of ghosts often times I found myself awake at night frightened by the presence of them.  I believed them.  How would it be that individually one by one these people came downstairs to state the same thing.  I never saw his spirit, he never revealed himself to me.  I always thought he had a cool ass name though.

[msblackriver]

Back then we were inseparable

I was heartless held grudges

Full of judgement

I was miserable

I hold on to the pain

I do not chase it away

I chase it to stay

My heart hurts but no one knows the madness

I lost my heart and its tragic

Do not tell me I am being dramatic because that just adds in to the sadness

You the assassin killing my passion using words dipped in gold but inside they are plastic

Those days are gone now I can’t grasp em

But they live within me

I chase them to catch them