different anon but kind of following after what you said here: 823785183124881408/genuine-question-maybe-im-stupid-inspired-by
I'm relatively newly identifying as a trans man at kind of a big age and while I've mostly accepted that this just seems to be my personal, inescapable truth, I'm struggling a little bit with the broader inplications of embracing manhood when my understanding is that "man" as a gender mostly exists to extract labor from women, which isn't something I want to do. I've followed you for a while and really appreciate your perspective. For you personally, as a man, how do define your own manhood? if there's not a specific definition of masculinity that you use, and you're a feminist who seeks to uplift rather than oppress women, then what is left? What makes you a man and not just a woman who's opting into a testosterone-based body? I promise I'm not asking this as a gotcha or to be a jerk but just genuinely desperate for other guys' perspectives because my own need to be a man doesn't make very much sense to me yet and it's driving me a little insane lol.
Feel free to disregard this ask if this isn't something you're in the mood to answer but appreciate anything you might have to say on the subject :-)
I used to really struggle with this question so I empathise with you a lot. The further into my transition I’ve gotten, the less it’s become important - I want to be a good person rather than a good man. What that means for me is that I try to be aware of my manhood just like I try to be aware of my whiteness as often as possible. I do not think feeling guilty over/ashamed of being a man is productive, and in many cases is counter-productive. Being preoccupied with “oh god I’m the Oppressor gender” usually just means you’re preoccupied with yourself rather than paying attention to other people around you, and other people are the ones you want to be kind and generous and considerate to. Wallowing in misery over being a man but doing it feminist-ly is not that different from just doing regular woe-is-me manbaby stuff (and I’m not accusing you of this btw - I’m speaking from personal experience lol).
I have taken many Ls As A Man and the important thing is to be open to being corrected and not taking it personally. You are a man and you’ll do misogyny, just like white people will inevitably be racist. You can be nihilistic about that, or you can be aware that that’s your position in society and do your best to mitigate harm and apologise for when you do harm. Which is much easier said than done, obviously, but I think being open to being wrong, being corrected, being called out (not in an online callout way but in a friend saying hey you’re being sexist right now kind of way), and striving to not repeat those mistakes will get you very far. It will also help you build a positive vision for what being a man is like, rather than defining yourself through negation (ie, what is left of manhood if I don’t want to be a misogynistic dudebro). The standard for good behaviour for men is literally in hell, so you can rest easy knowing that you’ll be doing this on easy mode.
So being a man for me is just like… idk being a man lol. If someone asked me why I’m a man I would say because I am one and I enjoy being one. Cis people are not interrogated on this question, nor are they required to justify their gender, so don’t put that weight on yourself. I think torturing yourself over why you “chose” to be a man is just torturing yourself for no reason. You are a man and you should rest easy with that. The downstream question is how to be a good person knowing that you’re a man. I don’t really have male role models, I just have specific traits I want to practice and develop, which are not tied to any gender. And I do those things while being a man because I’m a man.
The liberating thing about being a man for me is that I can be myself. I dress like a dirtbag most of the time because I enjoy how I look when I do. I enjoy being a man in social settings, I enjoy going out for beers with my guy friends, I enjoy being a man while dating and having sex, I enjoy when women compliment me for being “one of the good ones” etc. If you are looking for permission to enjoy yourself as a man then please know you have it. Don’t steal joy from yourself. Being trans is already hard enough.
And again, this is all very easy to say. I’m definitely not a finished product and there are parts of myself I want to continue developing and growing. I don’t want to give the impression that I’ve figured it all out. These are just guideposts that I’ve found beneficial for myself. I hope some of this is helpful and I wish you well on your transition :)
