Is it too Straight Guy TM of me to say I just really like boobs? I guess eyes too, like really pretty eyes get me salivating.
Hm, well, I was going to say my most recent long-term relationship, the one after my ex-fiancee, and while I do believe that was a very much a right person, wrong time, different goals situation, I can't even fool myself. And since you're a stone cold bitch being very honest, I could do the same.
My ex-fiancee and I were together four years, engaged for almost two and a half of them.
We both met while studying abroad in a country neither of us is from, and she's not from the UK either. When we both finished our degrees in [country name], I was between coming home to work on my NEXT degree, or moving to HER country as an EFL teacher. But she got funding for her next degree in the UK, in Bath, which isn't terribly far from here so I moved home to work on my next degree. An hour's drive apart, not so bad.
We studied in very different fields, but we saw each other as equals and loved a good debate. She was beautiful. Witty. Good in bed. Determined. We were in our twenties, mid-to-late. I wanted to get married sooner than she did, she wanted her own last name on her degree and I was like "you know, that's SO fair" so I was okay waiting. But then she got pregnant and her parents really pressured us to get married sooner, but she surprisingly convinced them to lay off.
"He's from the UK, it's normal here," and apparently that argument worked. But obviously if I had a kid I'd've mentioned that by now. So now I have to REALLY kill the vibe.
Um, she was in the third trimester when we went for a normal checkup and the tech got dead silent. Basically, they found some abnormalities that we were told "we not compatible with life." We scheduled an induction date, said goodbye, all that sad stuff. We stayed engaged for about four months after that?
But it just...I think we were on the outs before she got pregnant. I could literally tell she was falling out of love with me, I was watching it happen but we were just-- we'd been together so long. And then she was pregnant so we were like okay well we've got to make this work. And then we lost the baby and after the loss settled in we kind of realized there was nothing keeping us together anymore. We broke up, I moved out of the country again for my mental health because I was just spiraling. Came home to finish school when I was ready.
I think there was a time we were right for each other. But we grew up and over each other, and I think that's okay.
First of all, I want to say thank you for sharing all of that with me. It can't have been easy. While I've never gone through anything similar, any human being with a beating heart can recognize what a tough situation that was. So, you have my sympathies, even if it's been a while. Don't shrug it off; I am shoving them to you. Take my sympathies.
The pain I do recognize is that of realizing maybe a love was lost before that Big Event that broke it. Looking back at all the moments that didn't quite add up, the ones that you only noticed years later. It fucking sucks.
But like you said, there was a time, once, when it worked. Maybe I ought to remember that. Finding someone who works with you, even for just a little time, is a bit of a goddamn miracle, now isn't it?
That is all to say, based on this email experiment, I think we might just possibly maybe hopefully work. Enough to meet in person at this party and maybe get a drink or something after, at least. I am having a level of conversation with you that I haven't found in any of my other emails, even if they are fun. If you agree, we can plan to meet up at the party.
If you don't, once again you can IGNORE that I've said that and simply comment on my profound reflections on past relationships, so that I can lick my wounds in peace.
Unfortunately none are in particularly intimate places -- well I take that back, the upper thigh ones you can't see unless I'm in super slutty shorts. My friend got 'bluegrass' tattooed on her ass at a musical festival, there's no way that environment was sterile but you know go off.
Just get something you think is cute, or funny! I have some weird ones, and then some meaningful ones, and then some basic ones. The amount of money I've dropped....I don't think about it.
Oh don't worry, tramp stamp, hands, face, neck, I'll make sure you steer clear. Pinky promise, I'd never let you make those mistakes.
I don't think a body part has to be intimate to be hot. Case in point: shoulders. Love a man with good shoulders.
Not to be blunt, but is there a particular physical turn on you have?
Also, your friend sounds incrediby badass. I could never do that. I will need a very sterile environment. I'm thinking a quote, maybe? Seems like a good first step. And then, I can jump into a David Bowie on my back. Just kidding.
I'm intrigued by today's prompt: tell me about your greatest love story. Since we've both mentioned previous relationships that almost worked out but didn't.
In my case, I was with my previous partner for quite a long time. We were romantic partners, but also creative partners. I really thought we made each other better, but then I learned he cheated on me and had been unhappy for some time. I've felt a whole spectrum of emotion: rage, despair, jealousy, loneliness, rage again, spite. More rage.
What I rarely acknowledge is that I do miss that version of him I thought I knew. And that version of myself I was with him. They're both gone now, though. Which brings me back to the rage again.
I suppose rage is more comfortable to me than other emotions. Makes me feel like I can blame someone. Him. Me.
Anyway, there I go getting deep again. I just find you easy to talk to, I guess. Which you should absolutely take as a compliment, because I'm a stone cold bitch who doesn't usually say that.
Considering your handle here, I'm more surprised this is the first time murder has come up in the conversation. Besides, you got me to laugh. I wouldn't call it that much of a mood killer.
If you're trying to prove you're too hard to handle, you're going to have to try harder than that.
If you really wanted to make it look like an accident, I would salt part of the lake and then challenge them to some kind of ice skating. The salt would make the ice brittle so it would crack under them which would also get rid of the majority of the evidence.
Excellent. I may or may not be taking notes. Do not tell the cops.
(If the Swynlake PD are screening these for surveillance purposes, THIS IS A JOKE).
I do. I wouldn't call it a hobby of mine, but I've been known to rent a pair of skates during the winter. I hate when rinks and lakes get super crowded, but somehow Atlantis Lake always manages to be that level of busy that doesn't make you feel like you're making a mistake (because the ice is too thin or it's too cold), while not being too busy. The magic of Swynlake, I suppose.
If we can't go night swimming this time of year, maybe we can go ice skating instead. And race. It's only fun when there's a competition.
I've never had a problem getting hired! Unless you get a giant dick tattooed on your arm you're fine. There's surgeons with entire sleeves these days. I go with "that's fun, put it on my body forever" to decide what I want usually. Or in uni it was "haha my mate's got a tattoo gun let's test it out." Mm, this reminds me I need to book an appointment soon it's been a while. I'm feeling the itch now that you brought it up.
God, it'd be basic to say learn X language or travel to X place, so you know what? Learn to sew. I think that would be do useful! I've just never actually tried to learn but I think about it a lot.
My mother knows how, I could always just ask her to teach me but for some reason I never have.
Is it forward to say that I find the prospect of discovering all your tattoos unbelievably hot?
If so, you can burn this email and we can simply pretend I asked about what you had for dinner last night.
Sewing does sound incredibly useful, though. I haven't the slightest idea how to do it, but maybe I ought to learn. Too often, holes manifest in my favorite pairs of socks and I must throw them out, when I know if I lived in the year 1826, I'd know how to darn them or whatever.
Anyway, if I did get a tattoo one of these days, I might need moral support. Not to hold my hand or anything. I'm a big girl. I can handle the pain. More to tell me that yes it will look good and I won't look like a total loser pretending to be a badass.
And talk me out of getting a tramp stamp, if I'm somehow delusional enough to think that's a good idea.
Are you sure you don't have some connection to the radio? I swear it started playing "Orinoco Flow" when I opened up your email.
Your first time? You've been missing out. It's good on your own, but it's better with company. Nothing as freeing as doing exactly what you want. Taking that moment and fuck the consequences.
With a list like that, you might be a handful, but I can hold a lot.
We'll have to work in at least one night swim as well. I'll leave the amount of clothes involved up to you.
I am very much a handful. A proud handful, thank you very much.
That's what I'll put in my classified ad if none of these emails work out: HANDFUL OF A WOMAN SEEKING A MAN WHO CAN ACTUALLY HANDLE HER. Might as well get it out there right away.
I can do a night swim. We can even do that without leaving town. Well, when it warms up at least. I'm not too keen on carving out a section of the ice and plummeting to my icy death.
But if i was actually a murderer, that might be a great way to off someone. Make it seem like they were going ice fishing and then shove 'em in. I actually don't know how big ice fishing holes are. Let me look it up.
...ok scratch that. Much smaller than I thought.
I am sorry I killed the mood. I really was trying to be sexy with the skinny dipping night swimming vibe but my mind immediately flashed to death.
I do not think I’m looking for something long term. At least not in the regards of this. I don’t believe that can happen with something like this. Is it a great way to make new acquaintances? Absolutely. But not immediate romantic matches. It may be shallow but I need to know what a potential romantic interest looks like.
But it is good to hear you are enjoying your matches thus far. Do you have one that has caught your attention in particular? One that you look forward to receiving their messages?
Oh, that's absolutely valid. Have to see if the physical spark is there after all. But it's great to figure out who you might connect with on a deeper level.
And actually, yes. There's one person who I'm really connecting with to the point where I almost feel like a giddy schoolgirl when I receive their messages. Which is NOT something I would admit face-to-face, because I like to pretend that I am too independent and aloof to have a CRUSH -- which I can't believe I'm typing out, like I'm 12 years old.
Anyway. Yes? I'm enjoying most of my conversations, though. People seem to be open to my batshit questions. I'm plotting a yacht escapade with someone else and it's been quite fun. I did part ways with one fellow, since he was looking for a longterm relationship who wanted to start a family and I absolutely do not. But he seemed generally cool otherwise. Might meet up with him just for drinks or something.
What about you? Find anyone interesting in your sea of matches?
I love abrasive women, I love man-hating women. Not in a wow insult me please kink kind of way, but when man-hating women actually like being around me I'm like "Wait a minute...am I...a good person?" Maybe the ego boost that gives me cancels out being called by multiple women "one of the good ones." Huh. Now I'm second guessing my reality.
I prefer to cook anyway, and I don't think cooking together is romantic. Like get out of my kitchen for the love of god and let me work my magic. Not literally, I'm not a kitchen witch. My ex-fiancee used to piss me off with that, like I love(d0 you but I don't want your help. Generally I don't consider myself a control freak except in the kitchen. So I suppose it's good you're a self-diagnosed shit cook.
What's something you've always wanted to do but haven't gotten around to?
Aw man, I was kinda hoping you'd say in a kink way.
Kidding! Kinda. I'm only joking if you're joking.
Honestly, a man who loves to cook and doesn't want me in the kitchen at all sounds like a dream come true. I'll make the drinks and then we can have a delicious meal, while saying fuck you to gender roles.
And hmm, that's a good question. Get a tattoo? I'm torn between not knowing what I'd get and thinking I'd look devastatingly uncool with one. I suppose there's a bit of my mother's voice in the back of my head telling me it's "unprofessional" and I'll "never get hired." Also my sister at one point rocked an insanely trashy tramp stamp that will scar my eyeballs forever.
But I'd like to get one. Eventually. If I find one that looks cool. And I work up the confidence to be a hot bitch with a tattoo (singular). I think they're hot. But I'm not sure if they'd hot on me.
If you're already bringing the coffee, I think we're set. A person can live on coffee, right?
Maybe a couple of apples thrown in, we can pretend we're getting our fruit and that it's healthy that way. Plus we can bring all those nuts and olives from Greece.
Music is a tough one. You already brought up Jimmy Buffet. Maybe some Heart or or Styx.
Think you'll try diving here? Or anything else you want to do on your yacht?
Oh, apples is a good call. The more we eat, the less we'll have to see a doctor. That's how that saying works right? An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A bushel of apples on the boat, and you're good to float? Something like that.
Nice choices. I'll also add some Enya. Something about Enya says "we're sunbathing on a yacht."
Maybe I will try diving. Or water skiing? I'm actually googling "what to do on a yacht" right now.
Actually! I'll try skinny dipping for the first time in my life. Wanna come?
I never thought about it like that, but yes if we were the only planet in existence with life on it that would be very scary. And good to know about your priorities! But I guess with your skill set, you wouldn't have to worry too much about them being evil since you could probably take care of them? One way or another, if they are hot and turn out to like caffeine.
I would like to think of myself as groovy, yes. I don't really have any specific reasons as to why but I kind of think groovy is one of those things you just kinda feel.
Great question. Drinking wine. Reading. Watching movies and TV shows. My taste is broad. I'm a bit of a snob about movies and TV shows, but at the same time I inhale trashy reality TV. Love Island is a guilty pleasure of mine. Did you ever see that one show MILF Manor? Absolutely deranged. I loved it.
And what about you? Disco dancing? Roller skating? Going to the arcade? Macramé? Other groovy activities?
I'd say it's a time between Adiche's Half of a Yellow Sun and something by Hiaasen. It'd be nice to sink into something when there's fewer interruptions, but Hiaasen just seems like yacht literature to me.
Wow, you're right. The same way Jimmy Buffet is yacht music. I've never thought about that before. You're blowing my mind.
Is it cheating to say coffee? Probably. Real answer is just sleeves and sleeves of Jaffa cakes. If I could survive on just them, I would. And maybe bagels and lox cream cheese.
What else are you adding to our delicious spread? What music are we playing as we set sail?
that's something I can understand. If people have no aims at all or no plans for their own personal success or growth... I don't really know how to work with that. Or at least, how to connect with that.
I think there's no way to know for sure with these things, but it might allow for a stronger connection because you are able to share certain things through emails that you maybe can't simply by the distance and anonymity. I feel optimistic at least of some chances.
I will say, on the family part I think we might not be quite as aligned. I'm someone who does want that, and am actively looking for that to be a possibility in the future. Of course having a partner that shares my values and will communicate and be a team with me would be ideal.
I don't know if the experiment will steer me towards someone that will really suit me. But I think it can at least bring me together with someone who might be looking for similar things.
Ah, I understand. In that case, I think it might be best if we parted ways -- at least for the duration of this experiment. We're clearly looking for different things in the longterm and I genuinely wish you the best in finding it.
I'd be happy to platonicly meet up and grab a drink after the grand reveal. Or we can simply part ways here and then nod at each other once in the Town Hall ballroom should we cross paths then.
Oh good, I'm glad I'm still in for entertainment among the serious shit.
I appreciate intelligence and curiosity in a person-- I don't mean I expect someone to know something about everything or be as, and this is going to sound pretentious, disgustingly educated as me. Like for example, I even find someone learning all they can about knitting and becoming a knitting expert to be hot. Having something that makes you curious enough to learn about and be passionate about is attractive to me. A good sense of humor of course, and a strong sense of self. I like when people have opinions and can voice what they want.
Like I'm happy to plan a date, a vacation, whatever, but when people have opinions when I ask for input and don't just say "oh...whatever," I like that. Everyone knows what they like and what they hate so if you let me plan something you hate that's on you for not chiming in, you know?
Magick-friendliness is also a must, I have magicks in my family so at least a base level of acceptance is important.
Major turn offs: clinginess, yeah 100%. I like to travel and my partner is more than welcome whenever they want to join me, but they've got to trust me to spend a week out of the country alone and be okay with only hearing from me a few times day while I'm enjoying my trip. Jealousy, 100%. Picky eaters like may God never send me someone with a toddler's palette. People who don't use their turn signals, people who are always late. 15 minutes is one thing but I find consistent excessive lateness to be so disrespectful of me and my time.
Punctuality is probably one of my most annoying traits. One thing about me is I'm gonna be on time -- no, ten minutes early, and then sit in my car and walk into the function 5 minutes late so I'm hopefully the third one there.
I could go on, but those are the big ones. My other icks are all things I can get past.
Well great news for me and you both is that I always have an opinion and I've never been afraid to voice it. Loads of people find this off-putting, so I'm holding you to your word there. Let blunt and abrasive women be sexy!
I appreciate punctuality in other people. I must confess, I've not been the greatest about it in my youth. But I've gotten much better in my "old" age. I wouldn't say I'm early but I'm not about to roll into brunch half an hour late the way I did when I was 21. Ten minutes tops. Maybe fifteen.
And God, hard agree on picky eaters. I'll try anything once, I always say. And most of the time it's worked out for me. I used to live in one of the best places in the world for trying new food. Not to be vulnerable yet AGAIN, but my ex and I used to pick a new place to try at least once a week. Well, back in our early days when things were working. But it was always something to look forward to. Though, for every five great places, we always found one that sucked so.
That being said... I am a shit cook. So if you were looking for someone with culinary talent, I'm afraid I am not gonna be your gal. I can make a mean cocktail though.
Cheers,
murderespresso
ps: oh I did want to circle back about the Magick Friendly thing. Not to address every single bullet point you made, but it seemed important to you. I also grew up in Swynlake, so I'm completely fine with Magicks. I'm probably a clueless Mundus when it comes to some more intricate cultural stuff, but I'm always open to learning despite what everyone might think [not actually sent]
That is fucked up. And such a ridiculous thing to get annoyed or weirded out by. So on that we are aligned I'd say.
I think at this day and age if someone doesn't bother with deodorant I have a lot of questions. There's no reason for that to be the case.
And yes, I'm a grown man living alone. I do my own laundry. There are some basic living standards I think everyone needs to have, and that's part of it.
Is there anything else that you find important in a partner?
I'd say having some sense of purpose or ambition. I'm an ambitious person myself and I'd want my partner to be equally driven. It doesn't matter in what, so I'd like to think (though I might be raising my eyebrows if their goal is to become the most decorated pingpong champion of all time). I'd like for them to have some tangible success in life, though I understand if it's a work in progress. So long as there are goals, y'know?
I'm at the stage of my life and career where I know what I want and how I am going to achieve it. I'd like someone in a similar position. I'm hoping that by keeping my lower age parameter rather on the higher end, I'll just naturally attract that, but hey! You never know.
I'm not looking to start a family. I've never really wanted children. What I'm seeking is a partner to share life with.
Of course, I don't know if I'm going to find that in an anonymous email thread, but at the very least, it's given me some interesting conversations and possible candidates to at least start something. Instead of wallowing in my apartment with a bottle of wine like I was doing before.
And yourself? What are you looking for? In a partner and in the grand scheme of this experiment?
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