[ ceaseless ]

wondering when i'll be off the chair.

[murphy-who]

to the trio,

i have to admit that being a friend of mine is no easy task. i often lose myself in my own bubble, leaving most of you with barely any interactions. 

and so perhaps, it is my fault that i have been feeling extremely distant with most of my friends in Beppu. fuck, i don’t even know if i have any left. 

to my trio who lives near Yoshinoya and Family Mart, i care and love the three of you equally. but holy fuck, the past couple of months have just felt like shit for me. whenever i would tell you guys that i’d love to do something together (ex: eat all you can eat barbeque, watch a movie, or TAKE GRADUATION PICTURES TOGETHER), i’d end up witnessing various ways of being excluded from these plans. 

to say that i’m hurt is an understatement. i have tried to understand the reason behind three of you not offering an invitation to one of these plans, and yet my heart and brain continue to hurt. 

making up reasons like, “oh perhaps its a roommate thing.” but then after finding out how the three of you had invited the other girl wearing her favorite headphones to these plans, just made me want to throw all logical reasonings out the window. 

you guys were there when something similar happened between me and my roommates, but why has this turned into a cycle? 

is it because i rarely reach out? 

because i play video games at night so the three of you have become hesitant to be the one reaching out first? 

the point is, i’m so done with friendships. everything just makes me want to jump off a balcony. 

[murphy-who]

ache

my skin prickles, 

shivers down my spine, 

endless questions on my mind,

and yet no answer in sight. 

i only wish to breathe in peace, 

as it seems more like a necessity now and not one of privilege. 

i hope to look out my window one day, 

and think of other things than numbness. 

[murphy-who]

starting to get really tired of bearing with other people’s bullshit acts, only to be left feeling disappointed when they don’t support you when you need them most. 

but i guess that’s my fault for thinking people would reciprocate my care and love for them. 

to think that those people told me they’ll always be there for me, and yet my concern and interest for their life always exceeds theirs. 

[murphy-who]

“no one needs to know.”

a phrase i would regularly chant as i pull on my hair every night, with tears staining my cheeks and my nails leaving marks on my palms. 

as if reaching out has become such a sinful act that i would not dare to cross the line for i fear of being condemned for my sinful needs and wants. 

for all i want are pats on my hair, and warm hushes followed by serene lullabies. 

how i wish my company would have that warmth, instead of a mere cold pill that would harshly knock me to sleep. 

knowing that i have started getting accustomed to the cold, and on many occasions prefer it over other alternatives, scares the living shit out of me. 

upon realizing how the phrase “no one needs to know” has transformed into actions of silencing myself, i start to warn myself about the upcoming even colder days as i fear for not having the capability to stop myself. 

[murphy-who]

run, as fast as you can before they’re able to pull you back.

hide, as best as you can before they shed the truth on you.

cry, as hard as you can before you start to choke.

eat, as much as you can before the world condemns you for it.

think, as long as you can before all the demands begin.

wander, as far as you can before your phone starts to ring.

fight, as strong as you can before the time runs out.

scream, as loud as you can before you are forced to be silenced.

[murphy-who]

“everything’s gonna be okay.”

—was i saying that to reassure him or myself?

sometimes im not even sure of the answer,

and so the only thing i can do at times like this is to close my eyes and imagine myself being at home

[murphy-who]

ga semua orang bisa ikut menggandeng tangan dan merangkul diri mu yang tak kunjung berhenti menangis

mungkin hidup mu sekarang memang terasa suram dan sepi, tapi beginilah kenyataan nya

terkadang semua kesedihan dan kegelapan yang kamu rasakan harus kamu pendam sendirian,

karena takut mereka tidak akan bisa benar-benar medengar dan mengerti perasaan mu

karena tak ingin mengganggu mereka lagi setelah melihat raut wajah nya yang sedang kebingungan akan cara menyampaikan rasa tak nyaman nya pada dirimu yang terus-menerus menangis di pundak nya

mungkin salah mu juga,

terlalu berharap pada orang-orang yang kamu sayangi

berfikir bahwa mereka akan selalu merangkul mu kapan pun

tapi kenyataan nya kamu memang akan lebih sering merangkul dirimu sendiri sembari memulihkan luka-luka yang dibuat oleh tangan mu sendiri pula

[murphy-who]

menangis kesekian kali nya karena apa?

untuk siapa?

memang kamu berharap apa yang akan terjadi setelah air mata mu berhenti menetes?

mereka akan seketika lebih peka terhadap perasaan mu?

terhadap rasa kesepian yang sedang kamu alami beberapa hari ini?

terhadap pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang kamu miliki tentang mengapa mereka tiba-tiba seakan-akan menjauh dari dirimu?

terhadap air mata mu yang setiap malam nya menetes karena kamu sering merasa tak pernah cukup untuk mereka?

lalu untuk apa kamu hidup sekarang,

jika setiap jam mata mu berkaca-kaca seakan-akan sudah tak kuat menghadapi dunia?

[murphy-who]

aku sebenarnya suka dengan kesibukan

rasanya tak ada waktu untuk memikirkan rasa pedih disaat diriku seperti tak nampak bagi mereka

ku coba untuk selalu ada sembari mengeluarkan candaan demi melihat orang-orang yang aku sayangi tersenyum

tapi kenyataan nya, terkadang aku harus memeluk dan menenangkan diri sendiri untuk mencegah air mata yang ingin menetes

aku hanya bisa diam, merasa ciut saat mereka nampak nya lebih condong menikmati waktu nya dengan yang lain

aku tak bisa berbohong, mungkin memang diri ini tidak selucu atau sepenyayang mereka

tapi apakah ini pertanda bahwa orang-orang yang aku sayangi sudah mulai lelah dengan diriku?

[murphy-who]

disappointments are cruel, they make you forget to be grateful for what you have.

[murphy-who]

i don’t cry as my thumbs move across a screen anymore,

for my tears have now dried onto pages of unbleached paper, leaving marks as you glide your fingers across each one of them.

i don’t know what i write anymore,

for my hands move on their own as they rush to fill the pages with thoughts that tend to hide in the back of my mind,

and yet those thoughts tend to haunt me from time to time,

reminding me that they will always be there.

i’m scared that i’m starting to lose control,

but then again maybe its a good thing.

perhaps, it is finally the time.

[murphy-who]

is it weird to want to embrace the darkness?

its been dormant these past few weeks.

maybe its all in my head;

all the voices that would linger as it whispers venomous words.

i just want to curl up;

shield myself from all the things that would make my skin crawl.

someone please find me

and pull me into the light with all your might,

for the darkness that lives within me might just be too heavy

[murphy-who]

“it’s odd how i still miss him

maybe i only miss the good memories; those that would make me smile every now and then whenever i would suddenly reminisence

but what good are they if they would only hurt me in the end?

perhaps a part of me still loves him, or at least the good part of him. the ones that would constantly remind me of how he would make feel all warm and fuzzy over the thought of being able to hug and cuddle with him as soon as i go back home.

he was the only one who stayed when i was at my lowest, or at least that’s how he made it to be.

he made me believe that he was there, when he was really the one to stab me in the back and then abandoned me. he fooled me with his late night calls and millions of apologies. he lied through his teeth all because he was too afraid to face what he had done.

he broke his promises.

he became like the others.

he hurt me.” — 3 months later

[murphy-who]

“maybe they’ve gotten smarter this time around, or perhaps i’ve gotten weaker.

maybe i’m too stubborn for continuously trying to swim againts the currents,

maybe this time the ocean doesn’t want me to float around anymore;

maybe this time i should drown, so i could learn how to breathe underwater and face my fear of the unknown.” —7/18/19

[murphy-who]

“—but there’s no one;

close enough to hold your weak hand

your bones may feel weak, but to others they stand strong

your lips seem plump and full, and yet they tend to shut themselves to silence your late night screams.”

[murphy-who]

“make me happy, she says

as she demands from the people around her;

and yet she still cant make herself happy.

she needs to stop

putting her hopes on other people

if she still cant do the same for herself.

how foolish of her

to wander around with both her hands tied behind her back.

she needs to free herself,

but from whom?

maybe its actually from herself;

her current self thats been beaten by those who laid their hands on her.”

[murphy-who]

“there really isnt a right way to do this

but why do you have to constantly feel so insignificant?

have you ever even considered how i’ve been feeling all this time?

how every single time i have to constantly expose myself just so i could still stay in the light?

just so i wouldn’t get drowned out in the shadows?

all those times you’ve cried are when i’ve had to dispose my fatigue for the sake of making sure you’re okay.

to make sure you know you do matter.

but have you ever asked me how i’ve been feeling all this time?

whenever i would express my ideas and thoughts only to get muted by your need of attention?

i love you, i really do care about you.

but i just wish you’d take my feelings and efforts into consideration.

how i’ve been feeling insignificant & out of place since day one.

at least i still have the decency to embrace you because i dont want you to feel how i’ve been feeling.

because i do care about you.

but i guess i’m also insignificant even for you.”