Yesterday... yesterday way weird... I cried all day at work, no one cared which I'm used to.. but when I came back from my break it was like a flip of a switch and I dissociated and from like 7:30pm to 12:30am I was not me... thinking about then it didnt feel like it was me, its like everything was cloudy... Idk how to describe it... a couple years ago I used to dissociate a lot when working the graveyard shift and I've done it a few times between but its never been this bad.. Like... I told my boyfriend to hide the tylenol I was so out of it and in a depressive suicidal episode where I felt like my life was unraveling before my eyes... I think it might be time to go back to the doctor, even to just get diagnosed, to understand better what the fuck is wrong with my brain because the longer I let this continue the more fucked I am going to be in the long run and I dont want my mental health to affect mine and my boyfriends future together. He has BPD and hes always reminding me that he understands and that things will get better and that I am not my mental illness but Im scared that he'll get annoyed of my shit and get annoyed how fucked my brain is and I keep trying to fix myself but without knowing whats wrong.. theres nothing I can do..
