TW depression & related issues
He told me to start weaning him off his meds. When I asked him why, he said "how am I supposed to get meds when I'm homeless". I said "you can still get meds & you don't have to be homeless." He told me I don't have to care. I told him I care. Because I do. At least the idea of walking off meds before leaving indicates there's time to get help / improve again -- I hope.
He called me "a fake wife, like my fake friends." I admit I haven't been very wifely. I've been going through religious deconstruction, being a caregiver to 2 people, changing careers, perimenopause, & we have significant differences of opinions on politics & world events this past year (& longer). He's much more of a patient than a partner.
3 years ago I did hide from him the fact that I let or youngest start feminizing hormone therapy. I do hem & haw when he asks me certain questions about how I feel about him, being attracted to him, why am I still with him (like is ditch someone in an emotional crisis even if it's lasting years? ) We can't afford to divorce; he can't hold a job. He put us $20+k more in debt a year ago during a manic-type (not bipolar) AI (i just forgot the word) phase buying a computer that turned out not to work as planned, a VR headset (that got scratched inside bc he was wearing glasses), a drone that was going to take video in the desert but it hit the ceiling immediately & broke,
I can't tell the kids this right now, & don't want to burden my sister with it, especially when she's spending time with her daughter. But I have to get it out of me.
He was doing a lot (relatively speaking) for a bit, but then a friend got frustrated with a conversation & made an excuse to hang up instead of "just saying" he needed a break & hung up. He's been supposed to get bloodwork done for weeks, just got the orders updated in the computer system, & it's still been a week. (He has to not have eaten for 8 hours, & they want the blood taken before 10am, so suddenly he can't sleep, or I wasn't up early enough so he went ahead & ate to take his meds. He also hasn't showered in days & feels "filthy". He doesn't really do anything, so he doesn't get dirty; eventually some b.o. but he gets disgusted with himself.)
He's been coming to terms with the idea that he's autistic & says he can use the r word bc he is one, like the noun is a clinical term. 🙄 (using at about himself but also in more general terms) For years now, he's been trying to figure out why he's so "lazy" that he can't get stuff done, leaves trash out, doesn't brush his teeth (or shower). Always "lazy". I'm not a therapist, a psychologist, or a psychiatrist.
He fell asleep early last night, but it only turned out to be a nap. Then he was up till, like, 3am by himself. When I fell asleep, he was watching comedy, I could hear him laughing. But this morning he's depressed.
