Submission and Pineapples

18 | They/Them | Collared Sub | Autistic

[mutedobedience]

Ok so I'm starting to dive into brilliant's mathematical fundamentals and I've discovered something, in 90% of the problems I just dont understand no matter how many times I read the explanation, it's been some small part of the problem that simply hasn't been explained because its something people naturally know, have learned, or can assume based on other data, that I just never learned/dont naturally absorb, for instance, it took until it was shown with a visual animation for me to understand that to SQUARE a number, you take it as one side length of a SQUARE and ya make it a damn SQUARE and calculate the area of the SQUARE because ITS FUCKING SQUARED how have I never realized this. goddamnit.

[mutedobedience]

I'm really frustrated. I grew up homeschooled, but it was by an abusive mother who gave no praise and a lot of pressure and screaming, so now, I havent lived with her for 3 years almost, and I havent really worked on schooling since around 13 when her pressure lead to me cheating from the back of the pre algebra workbook because I couldnt understand the material fast enough and was scared that if I didn't finish x amount of pages I would be screamed at violently and forced to clean for hours. After that I switched to unschooling, where I had to lead my own education. With no guidance. Or advice. Or y'know, help. So I pretty much ignored it in favor of circus arts, but now I'm 18 and trying to re start my math education with brilliant, the website, but as soon as I have trouble understanding something I get so stressed and illogically scared that my motor tics go off and then I'm annoyed at that cause when I started ticking my mom always accused it of being a psychosomatic symptom of MY ANXIETY ATTACKS that I was adding for attention. And I BELIEVED HER. I just got diagnosed with autism and know I cant control it much but i still end up suppressing it sue to ptsd. Brilliant is a good platform so far, so I'm trying to keep going. But god it feels like mentally trudging through 3 feet of shit.

[mutedobedience]

Tfw ur so sub starved someone touches ur hair n in ur hed ur just like "o.o Master?" N then have to pretend like you dont wanna just kneel n get headpats n really wish u wer wearing ur collar >.< hekkin sub problems

[mutedobedience]

So I started messing around with this program called renpy, and it's so fun! It's made to create visual novels and was used to make doki doki literature club, it's super easy to use, the coding just feels like writing, but it can also do crazy things if you're good at it, also its totally free and theres a really detailed but easy to navigate tutorial that is itself a visual novel. I really like it and have been having lots of fun with it so thought I'd share

[mutedobedience]

Diagnosed!!!

I finally got officially medically diagnosed with autism, it was really validating!!! It was about a year ago that I was watching the good doctor and made the realization and in researching it, all the oddities I never understood about myself finally felt explained, but now that I know for absolute certainty, I feel like I finally know who I am. I feel confident in being myself without being wrong, and broken. I am different. I always knew I was, but now that I know I'm different but not alone, it feels like I might really have a place in this world. So much makes sense now. I'm really happy ^.^

[mutedobedience]

Everything's beautiful if you love it aggressively enough

[mutedobedience]

Idk what I'm doin here, it's like 4 am and I cant get back to sleep so I thought I'd attempt social media again. Hi, heres a fun fact about me, my user is mutedobedience because I'm a sub, and I have selective mutism, and one of the times I loose the ability to speak is when I'm feeling really submissive >.< so ye. I'm 18, I have autism and I'm kinda a hippy. Ask me stuff please, I dont know wut tu talk about but i like to write.