“I am tired of being told I am loved and cared about but never made to feel that way.”
— your actions and words never match
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH

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@mwaids
“I am tired of being told I am loved and cared about but never made to feel that way.”
— your actions and words never match
am i making all this up?
why won’t you love me?!
Being neglected by abusive parents feels safe, because it means they’re not actively yelling at you, blaming you for existing, making you feel like shit because you cost money, or beating you. It gives you some space to feel like maybe they’re okay with your existence today, maybe now you can go and build some confidence and live your life, until their next outburst of hatred. So what if you’re going thru crisis and lack survival resources that day, what if you’re feeling lost and dissociated and worried about your future, at least you’re not burdening anyone with that, at least nobody is blaming you for what you’re going thru right now.
The after-effects of being neglected will show after you grow up, and you’re painfully aware that nobody is ever responsible for making you feel okay, for taking care of you, for making sure you’re not in pain. Because nobody ever did care for any of that, and it’s unlikely they’ll ever start caring. So you don’t reach out, you don’t ask for help, you curl up and wait for pain to pass and blame it on yourself that you’re feeling it. You never realize that for vast majority of your life, there were people responsible for making sure you’re not in pain, that you feel safe and have every support you need; your parents. You don’t realize they skipped out on that responsibility because you’re busy being aware of how much worse they could have been to you, and all you can do is try to heal the damage they’ve already done to you.
Being neglected can make you neglect yourself, because you’ve never been taught that you are someone who is supposed to be nurtured and taken care of. It can mean eating disorders, self-destructive habits, punishing yourself for struggling, feeling like you’re not allowed to have comfort or company, building the hardest possible life for yourself and blaming yourself for being weak if you’re not able to do it all perfectly. It can mean tolerating friends and partners who also neglect you, and not even notice they should be paying attention and caring for what you’re going thru. It means never believing that things will be alright, because nobody is coming to help, nobody is going to fix anything, unless you do it yourself, alone. And there’s things we can’t fix alone. You are forced to emotionally survive on your own, even though humans aren’t meant to.
Someone should have prevented this happening to you. Someone should have seen you suffering as a kid, and protected you, shown you that this is unacceptable, you haven’t deserved it, and you are to be nurtured and cared for, until you can relax and know that there’s love for you in this world.
me as a kid: eats irregularly, gets stressed, scared and depressed every day of the week, gets eaten up by anxiety, dissociates for weeks, has crazy dangerous ideas of how to cope, self harms, gets abused by toxic friends, falls into obsessions to have meaning in life
my parents: literally do not notice a single thing
me: neglected? me? excuse me but I am ToughTM and do not REQUIRE ATTENTION
do u ever fantasize so hard about a situation or scenario u really want to happen that ur heart starts racing and it’s like ur life is finally ok, good even, and u can feel the sensations as it’s coming to life then BAM! reality sinks in that u have been laying in ur bed for 2 hours
HE’S FINE YOU GUYS
(ask @spatialheather she told me so)
thinking ab how i can’t make real bonds w people that aren’t completely forced and fake bc i was raised to believe that my personality is terrible and i will only ever get a negative reaction from other ppl.
i want attention but im also deathly afraid of getting attention so im stuck in a constant loop of trying to be outgoing and isolating + berating myself almost immediately after. :’)
WHEN
032420