I’m Not Ready For It

Elli | 16 | UK ~ Be genuine ~

[darkeacademia]

honestly? a girlfriend. please. i wanna be in a girls arms by the fire on a cold night and read books together and share a cup of tea

i wanna leave little post-it notes by the bed when i get up too early and she sleeps in. i wanna light her favorite candle and wake her up with coffee or tea, just how she takes it. of course i'd let her sleep in 5 extra minutes though, because she's been so busy lately and while she doesn't enjoy sleeping in, she deserves it.

i'd want her to call me baby and princess after a long day of note taking in theatre class, and she'd let me fall asleep on her shoulder after studying lines so long i get tired.

please, whatever god. a girlfriend.

[taylorswift]

I’m proud to extend my partnership with Lucian Grainge and the Universal Music family by signing with Universal Music Publishing Group, and for the opportunity to work with Jody Gerson, the first woman to run a major music publishing company. Jody is an advocate for women’s empowerment and one of the most-respected and accomplished industry leaders. Troy Tomlinson has been an amazing part of my team for over half my life and a passionate torchbearer for songwriters. It’s an honor to get to work with such an incredible team, especially when it comes to my favorite thing in the world: songwriting. 🎶😄 & swipe photos to see one of my other fav things: a fluffy floofy cat.

[heystephen]

remember when taylor was like “hold on baby you’re losing it the waters high you’re jumping into it and letting go and no one knows that you cry but you don’t tell anyone that you might not be the golden one and you’re tied together with a smile but you’re coming undone”... that was so fucking raw

[invaderxan]

Heard some important information on Twitter today, and thought I’d post it here for anyone who may not have heard it. This is actually a thing, devised by human rights organisation called Karma Nirvana.

Reblog to save a life?

[theindependentconservative]

Reblog to save a life.

[libertarirynn-deactivated202006]

Sharing because it’s actually a verified and sourced thing and not one of those dumbass fake tip posts.

[nessa007]

Hold on to spinning around. Confetti falls to the ground. Happy 2020 Everyone!

[bookcub]

Gonna start a post with blank memes. Please add any you have on hand and reblog to spread them.

[antique-scarecrow]

very good content

[draconic-cuddles]

Here’s a few I’ve accumulated over the years

[fairyofsomething]

Ah, some gold!

[glixbitch]

Omfg, a goldmine

[chaoticgouda]

@estheticallypleased

[evilyaoii]

[retrojezter]

[faebeebaby-deactivated20200509]

[fairyblue-alchemist]

This is a blessing look at all of these templates

[flukeoffate]

All those posts about memes being their own language? This is the alphabet.

[tracesofswift]

[tricktster]

the twilight series suddenly makes 100% more sense if you read them under a specific premise that, i contend, is heavily supported by the text:

Much like Amy’s diary in Gone Girl, the books in the Twilight Saga are verbatim reproductions of in-universe diary entries carefully and deliberately created and curated by badass unreliable narrator Bella Swan as a means to achieve immortality.

Prerequisite assumptions:

1) Bella actively and persistently wants to become a vampire, both diagetically and (I contend) non-diagetically. The average vampire novel format often fails to capture realistic human behavior in one highly specific area: the protagonists are frequently mortals who grapple with the choice of whether to become a vampire. This is stupid, because being a vampire would obviously be dope as hell; particularly in the Twilight Universe, where vampires are not required to take a human life to survive, and indeed, have the capacity to live full and rewarding lives while integrated* into the human community.

(*integrated-ish; see Assumption 6)

2. There are too many coincidences for Bella to have encountered the Cullens by sheer chance, only to be the ONE person that Edward can’t live without (due largely to the novelty factor of not being able to read her ding-dang thoughts.)

3. Diagetically, the Volturi don’t even know Bella’s psyonic gifts until New Moon, but we also know that the Volturi scour the globe for recruits to enlist into the protection of their governing body.

4. Nobody wants to be a voiceless cog in a bureaucracy.

5. Nobody, and especially nobody in high school, wants to be a high school student forever.

6. Vampires in twilight are, as a group, cartoonishly terrible at disguising their true nature.

7. Forks is a backwater town approximately 3.5 hours away from the biotech hub of Seattle.

7. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney can eat my farts and they deserve to be preserved in this snapshot of an innocent author’s mind slowly unraveling.

Proposed timeline:

In 1993, there is a key system meltdown at a improvised biohacking startup in Seattle, rendering all innovative genetic modification experiments into a puddle of brown sludge that nobody can figure out how to dispose of per Federal regs, since they don’t even know what it is.

The broke founder of the startup, who for the purposes of this timeline I will call Jeff Bezos because that’s who it was, eventually grows tired of all the discussion about what to do, and just pops it in a barrel, drives a few hours out of town, and dumps it in a pond.

Bella Swan, a small child, is hanging out at a park with her family friend Jacob Black (and a ton of his friends) when they all decide to wade in a slightly murky pond. Thereafter, they are transformed.

Bella grows up as a normal, highly powerful mutant with a +20 to deception checks and wisdom saves. She lives in Arizona, but up until 2002, summers in Forks. While in Forks, she picks up on the local lore about a family of vampires who don’t eat people.

Because Forks (population: 17 + Charlie’s mustache) is boring, Bella bones up on the only interesting thing about it, i.e. Vampire Hometown baybeeeee.

In 2000, George W. Bush gets elected president, and his evangelical politics and general bumbling ineptitude informs Bella’s opinions on authoritative governmental entities.

In 2001, the Cullens make their intention to move back to Forks known, but they take a while because they need to pack all their stupid graduation hats and volvos, etc.

Later in 2001, a psychic Volturi scout rolls through Forks to ensure that nobody within living memory recalls the Cullens, and notices an anomaly in the psychic field.

The scout goes to confront Bella about joining the Volturi, and Bella immediately clocks him as a vampire, because vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human. This leaves the scout in a bind: she’s too valuable to kill, but she’s a pre-teen, and therefore too young to be transformed per Volturi authority.

The scout warns her he’ll have to kill her if she discusses the existence of vampires with any human. He then tells her he’ll be back in five years, and begins to sweet talk her on how good life will be when she’s a vampire, beautiful, immortal, powerful, etc. Bella asks if she has to kill, and dude says “nah, actually there’s a bunch of vegetarian vampires who are moving back here soon. Fucking nerds, but otherwise they’re doing well.” Bella is all about becoming a vampire, because Bella is a rational actor.

Bella moves to Arizona, and as the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are unjustifiedly initiated, she recognizes that while she DOES want to be a vampire, she does NOT want to be a foot soldier in any war that she can’t support. She needs a plan.

In 2004, Bella is watching her step-dad’s minor league baseball game when it occurs to her. On her own, she’s a target for the Volturi, but if she had some people to watch her back, she might be okay. Of course, nobody fucks with the Volturi on behalf of some rando human. She’ll need to con her way into a coven who’ll have her back and also give her that +10 to constitution via vampiric transformation, which she desperately wants because she’s a rational actor. And where are the non-volturi vampires that might have her back? Fucking Forks.

Bella moves to Forks in 2004, and upon seeing the Cullens, she immediately clocks them as vampires even though they left their “we’re all vampires” booty shorts at home, because, as previously discussed, vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human.

Bella notes that all the vampires but one are paired off in heterosexual bliss, and takes note of the straggler as a potential vehicle to vampyrdom.

Bella figures out that Eddie can read everyone’s mind but hers, because Edward Cullen fucking sucks at looking/acting like a human who can’t read minds. Bella further observes that Eddie has a huge undead boner for her.

She’s found her mark. Now she just needs to convince him that she’s better off as part of the coven than on her own. Problem: Eddie’s a self-pitying insufferably guilt-striken perpetual adolescent who keeps himself busy by feeling sorry for himself because he’s a vampire, angst angst angst etc etc. Also, I think he’s Catholic, so add some more guilt in. She’ll have to win him over by convincing him that they’re destined to be soulmates.

What does a vampire used to having complete insight into everyone’s mind but his crush’s want? A method to know what she really thinks of him. Bella begins writing a “diary” knowing that there’s no way in hell Eddie won’t sneak in and read it. So she Gone Girls it, and begins to lay a trap to lure him in. That first diary? Twilight.

This was just in the movie but a stoner chases her around with a worm on a stick. Nothing to do with this theory, I just like that part of the movie. Where’s my spinoff about that guy?

Eddie won’t give Bella what she wants (eternal life) by the end of book 1, even though she asks him to EXTREMELY POLITELY. Time to hit the diary with some more promises of undying love.

Bella reconnects with her old friend Jacob and the rest of the Mutated By Jeff Bezos Boys. Alas, they cannot turn her into a physically powerful sexy immortal with a bite, so she’s still stuck with plan A) win over a whole family of vampires with big Mormon energy. It’s the long con.

Edward’s angst abruptly takes a swing towards terminal. He’s absolutely your classic sadboy, perhaps because Bella now has one (1) friend that he knows about.

When Eddie begins to drift away on account of Angst, Bella conjurs up a secondary love interest who, coincidentally, is ALSO a sexy supernatural entity, and is much less coincidentally just Jacob.

We should establish here that Edward is like a 107 year old white dude and so even though Diary!Bella pretends not to see it, Metatextual Frame Story!Bella knows that dude is super racist.

Jacob Black is three things: 1. Like Bella, a mutant (although one with shapeshifting abilities), 2.one of Bella’s oldest and most trusted confidants, and 3. down to clown on an elderly teenage vampire who keeps stereotyping him. Sure, says Jacob, I’ll take the form of a werewolf. He seriously thinks we’re all just beastmen, huh? Hey look at me now, I’m Regis Philbin because this is 2005 and Who Wants to be a Millionaire is still sort of relevant. Sick.

Edward does not like that Bella has one (1) other friend. Bella and Jacob plot to use this to their advantage and lure Edward back on the wings of jealousy.

Eddie gets himself into trouble on account of Angst and poor communication, so Bella has to go rescue him from himself/the Volturi.

Aro finally meets her and gets to test her powers, which impress him. Now she’s back on the fucking radar.

I forget everything that happens in Eclipse, so i have chosen to omit that part.

Eventually she extracts a quid pro quo from Eddie; i’ll marry you if you turn me into a dracula.

We don’t really call ourselves that, Wet Blanket Cullen replies, entirely earnestly.

Bella gets married at 18 in 2006, and Eddie starts to backtrack his promise about changing her. This won’t stand.

Well, look, he’s an elderly guilty catholic/mormon teen who probably still uses super racist terms, but she’s stuck on honeymoon island, he has certain angles that work for him, and seriously what are they gonna do but fuck? Bella’s alternative is listening to her “husband” drone on about his interests, which are almost certainly Car, How Do I Post a Minion Picture on Facebook, and Licorice Used To Be a Lot Cheaper in the Good Old Days.

Whoops a fetus.

Bella recognizes that she’s GOT to have this baby: time’s running out, and Bella knows that at least two of the Vamps in her coven will cut ties if she terminates or otherwise fails to carry this baby to term because of the conservative religious subtext. She’s going to have to stick it out for 9 months, even though it’s a risky call.

Bella gets what she wants after giving birth. “My time as a human is over, but I've never felt more alive. I was born to be a vampire.” That’s a direct quote. Except now she’s got a (pretty cute and easy) baby that she desperately wants to protect from Turning Into A Vaguely Religious Cullen Dressed Head To Toe In Cream Colored Wool.

Bella decides to fake her own death and escape with the kid and Jake so they can form i guess a detective agency. Bella will get “killed” by the Volturi, move to Sydney, and open up shop, and Jake will take the kid after her a few months later.

They’re gonna need a reason why Jake gets the kid though, and there’s only one reason to do anything amongst the Cullens: a heterosexual love interest with a super problematic age gap.

Jesus, Jake sighs, is Eddie really going to believe I’m in romantic love with your actual infant? Does he really think that little of me?

Yup.

Bella tries to draw the Volturi’s attention.

Works too well.

The Cullens call up all their vague acquaintances, who are at least kind of fun. Particularly that one dude who keeps getting angry about British conduct during the American Revolution.

Well, fuck, now the Volturi are bringing an army to fight their ragtag army of Vampires Who Are Cool And Interesting Enough That We Can Safely Presume They Are All Definitely Gay. Bella can’t let those guys die, they’re the first actually compelling vampires she’s ever talked to.

Bella saves the day because she’s OP.

All the Cool Vamps start packing up to leave and Bellz almost goes with them, but the Cullens would just keep sending missionaries after her if they knew.

Bella finishes her fourth journal with the vague warning that the Volturi are still out there somewhere and they miiiight just try and get her.

Two days later, she stages a scuffle and gets the fork out of Fucks. Her journals are the only clue.

Sirius Black and baby nessie follow once edward has stopped sobbing into his cream colored sweater and moved on to Extended Power Pouting.

Bella recruits her own army of fledglings.

Bella stages a coup against the Volturi and succeeds.

Bella sits on the iron throne with a hot lady vampire on each knee and they all kiss and stuff.

Nessie I guess forms a post punk band?

Edward dies from aspiration of a brussel sprout that he ate because he just wanted to feel something.

Charlie and Billy get married.

Charlie’s mustache develops a cult instagram following, providing them with a modest retirement income.

Jacob shapeshifts into Bill Murray and is always crashing weddings.

Bella’s stepdad is off in the B plot this whole time winning the world series with the help of a kooky angel.

There. Fixed. My soul is at rest.

[tricktster]

Oh god, I’m so sorry to reblog this incredibly longpost but in the interest of full disclosure I’m required to add the following, which I accidentally omitted due to careless error last night:

Emmett Cullen is exempt from all of the above criticism. Emmett Cullen’s canonical origin story is that he fought a bear so hard he got turned into a vampire. He’s a big simple friendly himbo that knows two sex jokes and is very excited to share them, and a Twilight Saga from his point of view would be a spiritual successor to Thor: Ragnarok. 

[twilightinmytwenties-deactivate]

I’m speechless and absolutely obsessed with every part of this masterpiece

[mytearsrricochet]

list of celebrities/musicians/media personalities who have spoken up for taylor

i’ll add to this list as it goes on, but here is a list of people/groups who have spoken up for taylor by either retweeting, liking, or commenting on the matter (regardless of their industry or following). THEY ARE NOT IN ANY ORDER, just in the order that i’ve seen it.

Keep reading

[mytearsrricochet]

updated to add MANY more people

[gayvampiretown]

One day Edward gets a call from Jacob and he’s like “DUDE TURN ON GHOST ADVENTURES RIGHT NOW THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT YOU” and they’re in an old “haunted” Chicago hospital and Zak Bagans says “one of the victims of the Spanish influenza was a seventeen year old boy named Edward who disappeared with no trace one day. Will we come into contact with his spirit tonight?” And Edward of course has to sit down and watch the whole thing and every time they hear anything they’re like “EDWARD? IS THAT YOU?” And Edward just yells at the screen “YEAH, MAYBE”

The family eventually gets a whiteboard to keep track of how many times they’ve each been featured on a ghost hunting show. Alice is in the lead.

[gayvampiretown]

Looks like I wrote a three page oneshot based on my stupid joke

There are days when you just want to sit in the couch and listen to 2003 alternative rock. This is where Edward Cullen was, and had been for the past four hours. His lack of a functioning stomach and bladder meant that he could stay frozen with his “Feeling Sad #8” playlist blasting until the end of time. A sudden voice broke him out of his trance.

“Edward, answer your phone!” Alice called from upstairs.

Edward sighed and turned his music down. It was a good thirty seconds before his phone even rang. He picked it up on the third ring, not wanting to seem desperate.

“Hello?”

“DUDE TURN ON GHOST ADVENTURES RIGHT NOW!”

“…Hello Jacob.”

“HEY. THE TRAVEL CHANNEL. THEYRE TALKING ABOUT YOU. ZAK JUST SAID YOUR NAME!” Jacob was yelling so loud that Edward could probably hear him without the phone if he listened closely, despite Jacob being miles away at his own home.

Edward sighed. He had nothing better to do. He quickly grabbed the remote and found the travel channel, which was premiering a new episode of Ghost Adventures. He quickly skimmed the info to see what the episode was about.

Zak and the team investigate an old abandoned hospital in Chicago that has had reports of poltergeist activity and try to contact one of its dead patients.

Hey, Edward was from Chicago. Luckily, the episode had just started a few minutes ago.

Zak Bagans was narrating in that sultry voice of his. “…One of the victims of the Spanish Influenza was a seventeen year old boy named Edward who disappeared without a trace one day. Some say he was kidnapped by a local doctor; others say he jumped out of a window on the third floor to end his suffering. Will we come into contact with Edward’s spirit tonight?”

“…Holy shit.” Edward whispered.

“Dude,” Jacob said, also in awe. “That’s you!”

“That’s me!” Edward couldn’t help but laugh. “Guys!” He called to the rest of the house. “Everyone! Get down here! I’m on TV!”

“Dammit!” Rosalie appeared on the couch next to him almost instantly. “Did someone get you on film while you were jumping off a cliff?”

Emmett was suddenly on Edwards other side. “That wouldn’t be a problem. That’s every YouTube video that me and Jacob drop.”

“RUFF BOIS!” Jacob’s voice came from Edwards’s phone.

“RUFF BOIS!” Emmett agreed.

“Since when do you watch Ghost Adventures? You don’t believe in ghosts.” Alice said, lounging on the top of the couch.

“Ghosts are super real.” Jasper pouted from behind Alice. Alice pat his arm to comfort him.

“Since I became the shining star. Everyone shut up.”

The episode continued with a few more mentions of Edward during interviews with so called witnesses.

“…Do you think if you sent an email you could get royalties from this?” Emmett broke the silence.

“What? No, I’m dead.” Edward said.

“Oh.” He paused.

Edward sighed. “No, Emmett, I don’t think it would work if Carlisle sent the email instead.”

“Well damn, and you really needed the money, too.” Jacob said sarcastically. Edward began to regret putting him on speaker.

“Can you guys shut up for like two seconds so I can see my legacy unfold on this ghost hunting show?”

“Legacy? You have a daughter.” Rosalie reminded him.

“Who?”

Everyone remained silent as the show continued. As Zak and the crew began their lockdown in the old hospital, Edward was mentioned again as a “voice” came through the spirit box.

“Whoa!” Jacob gasped. “Dude, was that you?”

“That didn’t even sound like me.”

“…It kinda sounded like you, my guy.” Emmett admitted.

“It did not! It sounded like a twelve year old boy!”

“Exactly!” Rosalie said.

The front door opened before Edward could think of a comeback. “I brought a surprise!” Bella called.

“Bella! Love of my life! Please shut up! I am on TV!”

Bella appeared directly in front of the TV. “I’m going to divorce you. The surprise is Seth, by the way. He came for dinner.”

Seth came around the corner and everyone cheered.

“Yes! Seth! There isn’t enough room on the couch for you but you can come sit on my lap and watch me on Ghost Adventures!”

“Ghost Adventures in on?” Seth said excitedly. He quickly took a seat on the floor in front of Edward, smartly choosing to not sit on his lap.

Bella still stood in front of the TV.

Edward sighed. “Bella. My beautiful, beautiful soul mate. The queen of my heart. The only woman I’ve ever cared about. Will you please come and sit with the rest of us so we can watch a bunch of middle aged white men think they are talking to my spirit in an empty hospital?”

Bella shrugged and sat on Edwards lap.

“You guys never cheer like that when I walk in the room.” Jacob muttered.

“That’s because we all hate you, Jacob.” Jasper said under his breath. It was quiet, but everyone, including Jacob, heard him. No one corrected him.

The episode continued. Every single time anything vaguely paranormal would happen, Zak would ask if it was Edward trying to communicate.

“Maybe if you shout louder I’ll respond.” Edward said. That got a chuckle out of Seth. Edward felt a surge of pride. He hadn’t made anyone laugh in years. He made a great Nixon joke in the 80s that really got Carlisle going but he can’t remember ever doing it since. He leaned into the feeling.

Zak again asked for Edward to give him a sign. “If I kick you out the window, would that be a big enough sign, Zak?”

This time, Jacob and Emmett laughed too. Edward was living. At this rate, he was going to get into standup comedy.

The episode ended with the crew genuinely believing they had talked to Edwards’s ghost. Edward laughed as the credits rolled. “Close, but no dice, Zak. You’ll get em next time though!”

Seth doubled over in laughter. “Oh, poor Zak! Do you think this has happened to him before?”

“Do you mean do you think that Zak Bagans has ever believed he made contact with someone who’s not a spirit, but a vampire on the other side of the country?” Jasper asked.

“Yeah.”

“I’m gonna say there’s a definite possibility.” Alice said.

“Fuckin awesome.” Jacob whispered.

“I wanna be on a ghost hunting show.” Emmett sighed.

“You’re not mysterious enough.” Edward said.

“Excuse you?” Emmett stood up. “I’m the house cryptid!”

“Oh please, everyone knows the house cryptid is Alice!” Edward fired back.

“Those sound like fighting words, you sad little immortal man!”

“Wait! Don’t!” Jacob yelled, still on speaker phone. “If you guys are gonna fight, wait until I’m there! I’m on my way! Jasper, get the camera!” He hung up.

Jasper stood up suddenly and dramatically. “Sorry, Black. I can’t get the camera. Because I’m going to fight too!”

“Cool!” Emmett said, excited to throw someone else into a tree. “Why?”

“Because maybe I’m the real house cryptid.”

Alice laughed and jumped off the couch. “Jasper, I love you, but there’s no way. Rosalie literally created a ghost story. You’re at least below her.”

“So no one is going to consider me?” Bella asked.

Everyone burst into laughter.

Emmett tussled her hair. “That’s cute, but you’re still legally alive!”

Bella pushed him away. “You guys are all assholes and I only married into this family for the money.”

“I’ll bet you all for it.” Rosalie said, playing with her hair.

“I love bets! I always win!” Alice sang.

“Yeah, I fucking wonder why.” Emmett muttered.

Seth stood up. “Wait, this is awesome. If I give you guys two months, how many supernatural shows can you get on?”

“More than Edward, that’s for sure.” Rosalie said.

“I’ll take that bet!” Edward said, slamming a one hundred dollar bill onto the end table next to the couch.

“Money bets are no fun! We have too much of it!” Jasper whined.

Seth shook his head. “You guys are the worst people I’ve ever met. There are wars going on.”

“Seth is right. We have to make it more interesting.” Rosalie said.

“That wasn’t my point, but ok.” Seth whispered.

“Whoever loses gets their arms ripped off!” Bella shouted.

“…holy shit.” Emmett looked at Bella in fear and awe.

“That seems… excessive.” Edward said, worried for his limbs.

Bella scoffed. “Are you scared, Edward?”

“N-no!” Edward stuttered.

“Great!” Rosalie clapped her hands together.  “The person in first place gets to tear the arms off the loser and keep them for a whole 24 hours. Everyone agree?”

“You’re so fucking on.” Jasper crossed his arms, trying to intimidate the room.

A shirtless Jacob came rushing in.

“Did I miss it? Did Edward get his ass beat?” He asked in between taking deep breaths. He had obviously run to the house immediately after hearing he might be able to see a cool fight.

“Jacob, perfect timing,” Bella said with a smile. “It’s time we agree on some rules.”

Two months had passed quicker than anyone expected.

Weeks went by where someone wouldn’t come home, presumably haunting some old building and starting rumors to attract different show crews. When they were home, there was an air of distrust around everybody. The Cullens hadn’t made a bet on this scale in years, and it had never had such a drastic prize.

But now, the deadline was upon them, and they all gathered together for the first time since the bet was made. Esme had pulled out the big whiteboard they were using to keep track and everyone was eager to put up their last minute victories. She, Carlisle, Jacob and Seth all sat at the kitchen counter with clipboards as the official judges.

Jasper went first. “So, with my final upcoming mention on Mysteries at the Museum, I have a total of fourteen appearances on paranormal shows,” He smiled smugly. “Beat that.”

“Oh, I will.” Rosalie took the pen from Jasper. “As you know, I’ve been featured on multiple ghost shows already, including Ghost Adventures, Edward, you’re not special.”

Edward rolled his eyes.

“So,” Rosalie continued. “Without even trying, I was already at eleven, and as we agreed, all past examples count. Last month I pulled out my old wedding dress and scared a few people in New York, leading three separate ghost hunting crews to investigate. I only needed to mess with one of them. So with that, I’m tied with Jasper. However,” she smiled, making a few more tally marks below her name. “Do you know how many podcasts there are that talk about old ghost stories? Esme, can you read me the official wording we all agreed upon?”

Esme nodded at flipped through her clipboard. “An appearance on a single episode of any piece of supernatural and/or paranormal media counts as one point.”

Rosalie mic-dropped the pen. “Meaning podcasts are fair game. Nineteen. I rest my case.”

Seth nodded and wrote something down on his clipboard.

Alice quickly picked up the pen and added five more marks to her name, making a total of twenty one. “For the first time in my life, the asylum came in handy. Those things are easy to haunt.” She paused for a minute, her eyes glazing over. “Oops!” She added another tally mark. “I mean twenty two. I didn’t see that one coming!” She giggled. Rosalie glared at her.

“Who’s next?”

Emmett smiled. “Watch and learn, sluts. I’m so glad you mentioned the wording, Rose. Have any of you ever heard of a little show called Finding Bigfoot?”

“Oh my god.” Edward whispered.

“For the past month I have been stalking the cast of Finding Bigfoot in my gorilla suit,”

“Our gorilla suit.” Jacob corrected him.

“Yes, our gorilla suit,” Emmett continued. “And I’m pleased to say that I am featured on the next four upcoming episodes of Finding Bigfoot. That, combined with my previous and accidental appearance on Finding Bigfoot, takes me up to, that’s right, Alice, twenty two!”

“Impressive, you tied.” Jacob nodded.

“Or did I?” Emmett paused for dramatic effect. “You see I recently spent two weeks in Toronto where I got a job as- drum roll, please- an extra on the still running TV show Supernatural!”

Jacob gasped.

“Esme! Read us that wording one more time!”

Esme sighed. “An appearance on a single episode of any piece of supernatural and/or paranormal media counts as one point.”

“A piece of Supernatural media that is! Twenty-fuckin-three! Suck my entire ass!”

Jacob stood up and started slow clapping.

“I OBJECT!” Alice slammed her hands onto the counter.

“OVERRULED!” Emmett shouted back.

“No, the panel has to discuss this.” Carlisle said. He pulled the other three judges into a huddle with him and they all began talking.

Emmett locked eyes with Bella. “Can’t wait to play the bongos with your arms, little sister.”

Bella flipped him off.

“Okay,” Carlisle interrupted them. “The judges have decided. Emmett, because the show didn’t feature any actual supernatural and or paranormal evidence, it does not count towards your overall score.”

“BULLSHIT!”

Jasper stepped forward. “I agree… with Emmett.” Esme and Seth both gasped. “Because,” Jasper continued. “If you’re going to enforce the rule that there must be evidence of the supernatural in order to count, I would argue that Emmett’s presence in the show alone makes it a supernatural and/or paranormal piece of media. Supernatural has now officially featured a real vampire on its show, fulfilling your definition of the rule.”

“I-“ Carlisle was speechless as he considered this.

“Will anyone else back you up?” Jacob asked. “If another competitor besides you and Emmett wants to agree with you, I think we should count it.”

Silence.

“I second Jasper!” Bella stepped forward suddenly. Edward felt a sense of betrayal in his non-existent soul. “I want to give Emmett the extra point.”

Everyone looked at her in disbelief. Carlisle nodded. “Well, Emmett, twenty three it is.”

“It’s not like he’s going to win with that anyway.” Bella said.

Emmett narrowed his eyes. “You didn’t. How? You’re still alive!”

“For such a big guy, Emmett, you were really thinking too small. You were so busy being the cryptid that you didn’t even think to be the victim!”

“….holy shit.” Edward said when the realization hit him.

“That’s right!” Bella said with glee, grabbing the pen. “I was a witness on four different shows with three different wigs! I sent thirty emails to every show, podcast, and book about the supernatural I could find with my own made up experiences! I was even on the news in seven different cities!”

“That’s bullshit, Bella, how did they believe you so easily?” Emmett yelled.

“Because I had someone to back me up!” She turned to the judges. “JACOB BLACK.”

Jaws dropped.

“…I may have been doing the same thing on my own time and casually name dropping Bella in every interview.” Jacob admitted.

“No fucking way.” Rosalie hissed.

“You all doubted me! And now I win with, let’s do the math here… thirty five.”

“THIS IS KANGAROO COURT!” Alice yelled.

“Jacob legally can no longer serve as a judge because he has a conflict of interest!” Edward said. He went to law school once. “Turn in your clipboard!”

Jacob rolled his eyes and threw his clipboard onto the counter. The paper only contained a crude drawing he did of himself, shirtless, with giant muscles.

Seth shook his head at Jacob. “I can’t believe you did this. We all took an oath-“

“We did not take an oath!”

“I took one in my heart! To be a fair judge! And you betrayed me.” There were tears in his eyes.

“Whatever. Bella wins. I’m gonna make a sandwich.”

Jasper shook his head. “My dear, dear family… I’m afraid Bella doesn’t win today.”

“Can we stop with the dramatic reveals?” Seth asked.

“Seth, we’re vampires. It’s either this or capes.”  Carlisle said. “Jasper, go on.”

“Thanks, daddy.”

“Please don’t call me daddy.”

“Right! I didn’t want to have to do this, but you’ve given me no choice,” Jasper stepped back up to the board. “Bella, you’re my sister and I love you, but I’m about to fucking destroy you, because today you have made the biggest mistake of your entire life.” He began pacing, explaining his master plan. “By seconding my motion to give Emmett an extra point- a point that quite frankly, means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things- you have therefore given me the opportunity to add just a few more points to my overall score.”

Bella glared up at Jasper. “How many more?” She growled.

“Oh, just a few,” he gave an evil smile. “You were smart to play the victim, Bella, but it was Emmett who had the right idea with Supernatural. You see, with the new rules that the judges have agreed upon, every instance of an appearance of a vampire, or, I would even argue, a wolf, in any piece of media makes it supernatural and/or paranormal. Do y’all know how easy it is to be an extra? Or to be in the background of any news clip? Do you know you can just hang out in Times Square and be in the background of any and every piece of film there? It’s like none of you were even thinking about the big picture! You’re all so weak! You never even considered any of the advanced strategies my war experienced brain threw aside!! You’re only thinking about winning the battle when I’ve been focused on the whole goddamn war! I spent the past two months sitting in cafes in the background of Hallmark Christmas movies while y’all have been doing absolutely nothing to even give me a challenge! So in conclusion, yee and dare I say it, HAW!”

“…Jasper, are you okay?” Alice asked quietly, keeping her distance.

“Yeah, sorry, there’s just a lot of competitive energy in the room right now.”

“We’re going to need a final total.” Carlisle said.

“….Forty three.”

“FORTY THREE?” Seth screamed.

“FORTY THREE!” Jasper screamed back.

“I hate this fucking family.” Rosalie said, knocking a glass off the counter.

Jacob would have been more freaked out if he hadn’t been desperately searching the fridge for mayo.

“So Jasper wins?” Esme said, looking at Carlisle.

Edward heard Carlisle’s thoughts and considered moving out. “No, you can’t!” Edward begged him.

“I’m sorry, Edward. You know it has to be done.” Carlisle stepped up to the board, to the thing everyone had invested the last two months of their lives in, and erased the whole thing.

“NO!” Emmett screamed.

Carlisle took the pen from Jasper’s frozen fingers and wrote:

“CARLISLE: ∞”

Everyone was silent.

“…I guess I should explain.”

“YES!” Jacob shouted. He found the mayo.

Carlisle continued. “Did you all know that I was one of the original inspirations for Dracula?”

Bella blinked. “No, but that feels like some wild info to keep to yourself.”

“Well, I was. Keeping a low profile hasn’t always been easy. So if we go by the new rule, that means that I am present in every single piece of media that mentions Dracula,” He said simply. “So technically, I win.”

Rosalie shook her head and just left the room.

“This can’t happen. You weren’t even playing. Judges!” Jasper desperately looked to Esme and Seth. “Tell me this can’t happen!”

“As a judge-“ Carlisle began.

He was interrupted by Emmett. “Conflict of interest! You’re off the panel! Go stand in the sandwich corner with Jacob!” Emmett pointed at Esme and Seth. “You two! You’re the only pure and good hearted people in this family! Make a decision!”

Seth started to tear up again. “I’m part of this family?”

“We gave you a credit card.” Carlisle reminded him.

“That’s the communal wolf credit card we all use at Taco Bell!” Jacob said with his mouth full.

Edward shrugged. “You can believe that, but at the end of the day, it has Seth’s name on it.”

“I think,” Esme considered her next words carefully. “That you all let this bet take over your lives and you’ve forgotten that we’re all supposed to be a family.”

“…Alright, Esmes off the panel too. It’s all up to Seth.” Bella said.

Seth sat in silence for a moment, thinking about everything. “I took an oath to be a fair and unbiased judge. I can’t let my emotions get the better of me. Listen closely,” Seth started taking off his shirt. “According to the rules,” he paused. “…AccordingtotherulesCarlislewinsBYE!” He sprinted right out the front door in pure terror.

“Bye Seth! Love you!” Edward called.

Emmett leaned over a chair in despair. “I guess that’s it, then. Carlisle wins.”

“Unless…” Bella looked back at Edward, who had remained quiet with his point total.

“Oh, god. Here comes another dramatic speech about how we were all thinking too small.” Emmett said.

Edward panicked. He realized he really hadn’t been taking the bet as seriously as he probably should have. He really shouldn’t have spent all of his time at improv lessons. Curse his newly discovered comedy dreams! He should really write this experience into his next set…

“How many did you get, Edward?” Esme asked sweetly. She would be proud of him no matter what he said.

“I got…” he gulped. “….seventeen.”

Bella looked back at the board and counted how many points he has already marked. “…How long have you had seventeen?”

“….Since we started.”

“What the FUCK have you been doing these past two months?” Jasper yelled.

“Learning to say yes and.” Edward said sadly.

“Oh, honey, as long as you had a nice time and you learned something, you did good.” Esme smiled.

“YOU’RE GETTIN YOUR ARMS RIPPED OFF, NOODLE BOY!” Jasper yelled. “Carlisle, do it!”

Carlisle shook his head. “I’m a peacemaker. I will not rip off my son’s arms.”

Rosalie ran back into the room. “Then what was the point of all of this?”

“Hold on,” Carlisle said. “Because I am not a father who crushes my children’s dreams or puts an early end to healthy competition, I will defer my prize to the second place winner. Jasper, the arms are yours.”

“We shouldn’t have gotten him that book on childhood development for Christmas.” Bella whispered. “Edward, you’re gonna have to yes and it.”

Jasper was suddenly sporting a very evil grin. “Edward, my brother, you have yeed your last haw.”

And then he lunged for Edward.

[homewithmycats]

The Making Of A Song - Getaway Car

[causedandcreated]

my type includes vampires, pirates, kings, forest fae, Hozier, women in suits, people with swords, anyone wearing a crown, people I see on the train for .5 seconds, the mysterious figure in a cape running in the moonlight, witches, and anyone who looks as if they haven’t slept in a millennium. 

[lesbian-alice]

Bummer that I didn’t fall unconditionally and irrevocably in love in love at age 17 with a mysterious immortal

[lovestory]

They’d paint me out to be bad, so it’s okay that I’m mad

[stelicate]

“That’s not the one I wanted” “it doesn’t have a head” “what do we do with it now” “I’m not asleep my mind is alive” WHAG TEHRBJS THATS HILarioUS I LOVE YOU @taylorswift

[taylorswift]

Lest we forget “Sometimes it doesn’t go your way” defeated, stumbling into the bedroom after choosing ‘the wrong’ banana, which.. didn’t have a head?

[mybelovedswift]

cornelia street x lover music video

[mybelovedswift]

that’s the kinda heartbreak time could never mend