Wake up, damn it.

Coming out of severe depression of 14 years. Or trying to, anyhow.

[myamki]

I made a sketch. I’m still supposed to be studying all of my available time. I don’t know why I’m so terrified of picking up the book. Would it be so terrible to start reading and find that I can’t understand anything? Whatever, I’ve gotten so much other stuff done! :D

[myamki]

I knew this would happen though.

I’m not good at staying with things. Like keeping a blog, no matter how tiny or micro it is or whatever. Not normally and especially not, when I’m stressed out. Stress seems to shoot my brain full of holes since nothing stays in there, least of all things related to self-care.

I applied to Helsinki University to study English, so that is what I’ve been up to for the past few weeks. Not very arduously, mind you. I got the first entrance exam materials already two weeks ago, but I still haven’t finished studying them. The rest of the materials arrived only this week, and I’ve read 6/26 chapters. So there is a lot to do before the exam still, and only a few days of time.

And what did I do instead of studying? I went to IKEA and got a new bookshelf, built it, organized all of my art supplies, went to another store to get some picture frames, started drying flowers, hung up some lights... Procrastination seems to be a thing I resort to when I’m being overwhelmed by stuff. How can I change this?

The good thing is, avoiding studying is making me more productive in other regards. :D I even wiped the dust off of all the floor mouldings in my house. Ugggh... maybe writing a list would help?

[myamki]

Haven't drawn people in a while and never before coloured pretty much anything with markers either. Anyhoo, figuring out characters for my... Um... Novel..?

[debbie-sketch]

Witchy room for @perfectwhitecanvas

[myamki]

Looking for inspiration for a new novel I’m trying to start writing, and things like this are amazing for just that purpose. <3

[myamki]

Comic Wheel on Instagram: “Support us ~ link in bio! ❤ Tag someone who needs this. Follow @comicwheel for more! Artist: @blogilates #comics #comic #comicstrip…”

4,424 Likes, 43 Comments - Comic Wheel (@comicwheel) on Instagram: “Support us ~ link in bio! ❤ Tag someone who needs this. Follow @comicwheel for more! Artist:…”

Working for six days, having one day off, and then working for another four days makes me feel very much like a potato... <__<

[myamki]

I don't have a scanner so these potatoes will have to do for now. I artededed today!

I was watching Dina Norlund on Youtube today and she was creating a March Patreon post card. Inspired by the whole Draw this in your style -idea I decided to give it a go. So, thanks Dina. <3

[myamki]

You know THOSE kinds of days?

Yeah, today is one of THOSE.

- Watching workout videos doesn't get you into any better condition

- Coffee does not count as breakfast and definitely not as lunch either

- Getting stuck watching youtube videos (even ones that cheer you up) and then missing the bus because you had to take the dog out to pee and change out PJs (yeah, in that order, sue me) isn't a valid excuse to be late for work

- Telling your husband you got your own dinner sorted for work when you in actuality don't have any money but don't want to get in (yet another) argument about money isn't the best idea around

How was your start for the day? I'm hoping it was better.

[ghibliwatari]

Maybe I’m just not enough.

[myamki]

I could look at this for hours. Someone make a live wallpaper or something of this? Then just put on some rain sounds and draw until you drop. Perfection. <3

[myamki]

Note to self #1

Don't take a three hour nap in the evening, especially if you have an early shift the next morning.

Also, plan for free time in the evenings and enjoy late nights when you can. Around 10pm is when inspiration usually hits me.

Last but not least, stop wasting time on Project Hospital. The layout for those departments is never going to be perfect.

[myamki]

I went dancing today. I had so much fun (and alcohol) and we stayed there so late. Loved it. <3

[myamki]

It's one of those love-hate things

What a frickin' rollercoaster of a day.

Today is International Women's Day and I work in an area that has more than its fair share of poverty and societal problems. It has been an annual tradition to organize a breakfast in the morning, and it's always a very popular event. I think the idea is great, but I have to admit that the execution today was less than stellar.

They had not only taken all the chairs from our break room, but also our shrine of the waking gods, our coffee machine. What a start to a day, needless to say I was a bit irritable to begin with, but then a colleague to whom I lovingly refer to as the mental hillbilly decided today would be The Day she would try and not be her chill self and she started making a fuss about the coffee, even she does not drink it.

Then the book talk. Amazing experience.

And then, to close the day off like a pile of wet poo, a group of teenagers unsure of themselves and their sexuality started making a fuss. I spent a good half an hour trying to make them leave (careful not to grab at them, because they cn actually charge us - the librarians - with assault if we do that) as good-naturedly as I could.

Not only did my sweet hillbilly of a colleague decide to step in and shout empty threats at the kids, but then she just... Took off. Left me there, alone, with that threat hanging in the air. What a fucking nightmare. Obviously threatening teens with anything doesn't work, they love to annoy, and letting them know they're getting to you is like pouring gasoline into the flames. So uh... That happened.

I'm exhausted. If I had any money left, this would be a day to binge eat like there's no tomorrow.

[myamki]

The book talk

So a class of 19 15-year-olds and their teacher came to see me for a book talk today. Such sweet darling angels! <3

They were supposed to arrive 1.15pm, but lo and behold, they were 15 minutes late. I was nervous about how to fit 26 books into 45 minutes, much less so into 30 minutes. But the quickfire presentation I gave on the books seemed to actually work really well! I had to step out of the way, they were so eager to get to the books! AND! What's more, most of them were boys. So what about teenage boys not reading? Right book to the right person, dude. Ahhhhhh I love things like this that remind me why I used to L O V E my job. <3

I am still happy that it's Friday however. Can't wait to go home, tie my hair in a messy bun, take off my pants and play some Project Hospital. <3

[myamki]

Just letting you know that...

...proper watercolor paper is frickin' expensive and darn hard to find! D8

[myamki]

I had actual work to do too. Instead I sketched a nautilus. Watching these little critters swimming on youtube is infinitely better than actually getting any work done. They are really cute though. <3 So chill. Tranquil. Ah. <3

I installed an app called Habitica, which is intended to gamify your life, give you experience points for doing menial tasks (or not so menial, like art) so maybe I will actually start brushing my teeth and hair everyday. I don't even care if admitting that I only choose one or the other now makes me disgusting.

What I'm actually supposed to be doing is a book talk presentation on science fiction books for teens. I have the list of books here, but tbch, I haven't read all of them. Oops. Anyhoo.

[myamki]

Getting started...

...is so frickin' easy. Staying on top of things on the other hand... not even the tiniest bit.

Today I picked up my watercolors again. I had to, my husband dropped them on the floor yesterday and the colors got all messed up, so I had to sort them out. Had to.

I didn't do a lot paintingwise, just some silly leaves and not a lot of effort at all, but still, I painted. The thing is, this is as far as I usually get. I pick out jars for water, pick a brush, get my colors wet, paint something simple (like leaves, not even flowers) and then put everything away - or let it be a mess until dust covers everything - and forget about it.

We had staff training today, something about change and yadda yadda. An old colleague of mine asked me if I'd finished my first picture book yet. She said I really should write one, illustrate it myself. Me? No way.

Sure it'd be wonderful to have that kind of talent, but honestly I don't think I have the focus to finish something as huge as that. I admire people who can start a project, work on a project and FINISH a project, because I can only do one of those things, tops.

I want to write a book too. I want to go to university and study, any subject. I want to be able to paint like the people I admire. I want so many things and the only thing stopping me is, well, me.

I started learning programming, entered an mooc for it too, but never got any further than the first few exercises. Started learning Korean, didn't learn anything after teaching myself to read hangul. Poorly, I might add. Started learning bengali. I can write আম, 'am', which means mango. That's pretty much it. Went to Dutch class, didn't finish it and DEFINITELY did not go to the final exam. Enrolled in personality psychology 101 class, did not finish that either. Did NOT go to the exam.

I don't know why finishing things is so much harder than starting them. How do I learn to finish things? Any tips on that are more than welcome.

Also, how do people with continuous meds remember to take them? I sure don't. Always fun when you see your antidepressants at 9pm and have to choose between a sleepless night or dizziness and/or nausea the next day.

[myamki]

"It's not so awful if some of the days are easier."

- Minna Saastamoinen

[myamki]

Where to begin...

I have so many dreams it's not even real.

The thing is, not too long ago, my mind was empty. Or not even empty the way you'd imagine an empty room, clean white and echoing. Like a dull grey void. Nothing would stick because there was nothing to stick to. There was no emotion, just endless amounts of tired and exhausted. Sometimes bouts of sadness or nostalgia, but that was it.

And now, now I'm still physically tired, but my mind has woken up. It's like you caught a firefly in a dim jar, my mind is encased in this powerless tomb of flesh that is drained of any strength and energy it once had. My mind wants to do things, but my hands have forgotten and my muscles have gone.

Maybe this will be my sort-of-secret journey to making life worth living again? I want it to be. Trust me, even now my mind is hard at work imagining a series of sketches, but when I set to work it's almost like I've never held a pen before. And it has been years since I did any serious kind of art. Or anything, for that matter.

All I can do now is try my hardest.

I read somewhere that if a person truly loses their will to live, it's only a matter of days before they pass away. You can just choose to die. I feel like I'm on the brink of that, but I don't want to be. I have to try and get this body of mine out of its slumber.

Wake up, damn it. Let's do this!

Please..?