Welcome to my thoughts

A Writer living with ptsd Bpd & Bipolar🌸✨

[allthingswhumpyandangsty]

starting to hear more and more people say they "wouldn't know what to do without chatgpt", and in my head I tell them without chatgpt, they would probably be using their own brains as god intended

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

I couldn’t stay and love you so I became heartless. Told him I couldn’t fall in love, He became unhappy. It’s part of life, honey. Told him I couldn’t keep him happy, I am way too busy chasing money. My life is too precious for me to be unhappy. Told him, it was time for me to leave. There is no turning back now, I turn towards the door. Feeling my heart drop to the floor. I miss the old you, the one I adore. I want to go back to the way it was before. Feeling like this love is a chore, I think it is time to close this door. I am sorry I couldn’t stay, I couldn’t stay and love you so I became heartless.

Heartless // My Writing🌸

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

Every star waits for the darkness to shine, I was gone by the first sign of the light. Ignorance is bliss, Maybe that is why I am scared to fight. Every star waits for the darkness to shine, I was gone by the first sign of the light. Pretending, and smiling like everything is fine, Even though the tears never dry. Feeling like we are always on the front line, In a war that one of us is bound to die. Feeling as if our love is coming to it’s deadline. I know you don’t want to be the bad guy, I will take the blame for the pain and call it mine. Every star waits for the darkness to shine, I was gone by the first sign of the light.

Stars // My Writing🌸

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

“11:11

I talked to the moon as if you were the moon

I can look at how beautiful you are but I can never be close to you

I will be by your side knowing you’ll have mine.

I can always talk to you when I need someone to talk to

You are such a mystery, a mystery only you can tell, yet I can’t wait to discover.

Your eyes are as beautiful as the sea.

I could get lost just staring into them.

Your smile lights up the room as soon as you walk in.

Seeing you walking towards me makes me weak to the knees.

Your soul is the sweetest soul I have ever seen

I can’t seem to quite understand these feelings

Feelings of security

Feelings of protection

Almost as in the feeling like you found your way back home

As if my soul knew the moment I saw you,

As if I met you in my past life

As if our souls have connected before and I was meeting an old friend again for the first time.

444 is the number that pops into my head

When I hear your name

I wish I could tell you

Whenever I see

11:11

I’d wish that;

in another world, I would admire all of your flaws and imperfections.

In another world, I’d cuddle you every night.

In another world, I would make love to you and make sure you understand how much I appreciate you with every touch and caressed to your bare skin. Touching every inch of your beautiful skin and admiring every little freckles and scars around your body.

In another world, I would hold your hand and explore every adventure that comes our way.

In another world, when you are frightened I would be there to hold you tight.

In another world, I would rub your back and whisper into your ear telling you how much I am yours and only yours.

In another world

You and I might be.

When I see 444

I think of you and smile

Because no matter what

You will always have a special place in my heart🧡”

- 11:11 // My Writing🌸

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

“I'm the definition of wreck if you look into my soul

Comes out the most

When I feel I'm in a vulnerable place

Made a lot of mistakes

I wish I knew how to erase

Never have I thought I’ll be in this place

Locked up like lab rat in a cage

Wanting to scream

But no words come out

Instead

I sit quietly

With my mind racing

My thoughts run faster than the blood in my veins

I can’t quite help

But to understand

What’s at stake?

My life is a beautiful mess

That I can never escape

I just want to run away

And never look back

Instead

I’m stuck in this cell

Remembering every little mistake

I’ve made

Hearing screams and bangs

From the other inmates

Goosebumps shivers down my spine

With every bang and scream

My mind can’t seem to grasp

That I am stuck in this endless hell.

I just want to escape

Be free like the birds in the sky

But instead I’m stuck here.

Only with my thoughts and my mistakes”

- Jail // My Writing🌸

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

“Living this nightmare

One moment I’m okay

Just living day by day

The next

I’m drowning out at sea

With my head under water

Yet I’m sitting here

Watching people continue their lives

Watching people live their live to the fullest

While I’m trying to end mine

I think and think

My mind hurts from all these thoughts

All of these emotions

All of these waves

That constant crash in my brain

Like an anger ocean.

I just wish I could make this stop

I just wish there was a button

To turn off my brain for once

Just to have peace

I just wish I could leave

Without hurting the ones I love.”

- Pain // My writing🌸

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

“Failed

I have failed in life

I have failed in marriage

I have failed in school

I have failed in being the best wife I wanted to be

I have failed to lose the weight I wanted

I have failed at being the friend and daughter I was meant to be.

I have failed.

I get up every morning with a fake smile

And dry tears

I get up every morning wishing today could be different

But it doesn’t

It’s like a broken recorded

Every day the same

Waking up wishing I didn’t

Go through the day in a daze

Without realizing that every day is the same

Sitting here wishing life was different

when in reality it’s all the same”

- Failed // My Writing🌸

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

Instagram models

I wish I could look like them

I wish I could smile like them

I wish I could be like them

You know those beautiful girls

You see

Ever since I was little

I was told I was never going to be a dime

Never understood what it meant

To be so beautiful

that it could take your breathe away

I wish I could walk like them

I wish I could speak like them

I wish I wasn’t me

See

From a young age I never believed

That someone could look at me

And say

“Wow you’re so beautiful”

These words cut deeper than the thoughts that run through my veins

These words that repeat in my brain

Like horrible broken recorded

That I can’t seem to find

Where the noise is coming from

Please make it stop

These words that will haunt me forever

Until the end of dawn

Fat,

ugly,

worthless

Are just the few words

that crawl into my thoughts

Late at night

When all the world is sleeping.

I wish I could look like them

I wish I could smile like them

I wish I could be them.

I just wish

I wasn’t me.

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

“dark times,

this ain’t the right time to fall in love with me

I can’t be the person you want me to be

In my dark times

I become evil to myself

I got blood on my hands

Dealing with my demons inside

In my dark times

Baby this is all I could be

I never meant to hurt nobody

but I can’t seem to stop

These thoughts yell and scream

Nobody seems to see

In my dark times

I can’t seem to leave

My only friend is the darkness

And he doesn’t want to leave

I tried to kick and scream

But instead I lay there

In the dark with the void

I’m trying to hide.

Baby this is all I could be

Can’t you see?”

- Dark Times // My Writing🌸

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

Dear depression,

I’m tired of living with you

I’m tired of living with this dark cloud

Over my head.

I’m tired of faking a smile

I’m tired of fake laughs

I am tired

Dear depression,

When you came into my life

You became my only friend

Darkness was the only thing I knew

From my early childhood

All I could remember is seeing you.

You took over my life

No this is not romantic

It’s a burden that I have to constantly deal with

Sitting at the edge of my bed

With tears running down my face

I no longer love myself

Dear depression,

Fuck you

I’m tired of playing this game with you

I no longer want to be a pawn in your fucked up game

I want to be set free

Like the birds in the sky on a warm spring day

I want to be free

Like the warm air that hits your skin on a warm summer day.

I no longer want to be a prisoner of my own thoughts

Dear happiness,

Please come into my life

Please I’m begging you

I need to feel something other than the void

I need to feel some type of light in my life

I feel so empty and alone..

- Dear Depression // My Writing🌸

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

“My love for you is as deep as the ocean sea

When I say loving you makes life worth it

I wasn’t lying

When I tell you that loving you almost makes me forget how much I hate myself

When I am with you I forget all my problems

And become a whole new person

I know it sounds crazy believe me I know

But for once in my life I no longer feel the need to put a razor on my wrist and watch the blood drip down like drops of water on a car on a rainy day

Being with you makes me realize that my hatred for myself is just my illness

When I look into your eyes I can see the potential like a child seeing their favorite superhero for the first time

These butterflies I feel when you touch my skin is like fire works on the Fourth of July

My heart beats faster and faster like when I went on my first roller coaster whenever you are near

It’s like a new high that I can’t get enough of

You bring a whole new meaning to life that I have never experience before

And quite frankly it scares the shit out of me

Because of you

You brought the light into my life when all it was was darkness

You made things possible when I thought I would never love again

You opened my eyes more than ever before

You have shown me that someone so broken like me with all my scars and bruises can be loved fully

And for that I thank you

Thank you for all the possibility you brought into my life and for all the hope you put into me

And for finally making me realize that even though this poem is about you

In reality this is me realizing myself worth

As much as I love you

My love comes from within.”

- Self-Love🌸 // My Writing🌸

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

“‪Don’t pretend that everything is okay when in reality everything is crashing right before your eyes ‬

Don’t pretend that everything is okay

When in reality you’re lost at sea

See when we believe that life is okay

We tend to forget our demons inside

But my demons are getting louder and louder in my mind

I am losing this fight slowly

Giving up on everything that I love

I just want to scream and let out all the anger

I just want to scream and let out all the sadness

But instead

I sit numb with just my demons

Lost in the moment”

- Lost in the moment // My Writing🌸

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

“One moment I love my life

The next I want to disappear with no hesitation

One moment I want to give everyone I love the love that they deserve

The next I sit in silence knowing I am not worthy of the love

One moment I am finally content with my life

Then it all falls apart with each scream and hit

I can’t seem to escape these feelings

These feelings of uncertainty

I just need a break from these thoughts

That scream at me telling me I’m not enough

I just need a moment to breathe

These memories creeps in my mind

Like demons

I am trying to forget

but somehow I sit here remembering every little detail

Every hit that came across my body

Every scar that he marked on my body.

Every bruise that I believed I deserved

Remembering the moments where I blacked out from the abuse

Please someone take these memories away from me

They are driving me insane

I sit here feeling numb

Remembering the way he smiled while telling me “you like that?”

I want to scream but no noise comes out

Remembering the sound of his voice

Before blacking out

Someone please take these memories away from me

I just need a moment to breathe.”

- PTSD // My Writing🌸

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

“Laying here reminiscing the past

I can’t quite help but think

What would happen to me

If I choose a different past

What would happen to me

If I decided to be sober earlier

What would happen to me

If I didn’t go through the struggles I went through

Then it hits me like a tsunami

All these emotions fitting me at once

Like a wave hitting the shore

Never again will I let my past mistakes define who I am

I am finally content with myself

I am finally accepting the fact that I can’t change the past.

I am finally letting go of my inner demons

And letting the positivity run through my veins

never in my life have I ever been this okay

And I hope it can stay like this forever.

Because for once in my life

I am the happiest I ever been.”

- happiness // My Writing🌸

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

“With a Red Bull in one hand and a cigarette in another

I sit and watch as the smoke comes out of my mouth slowly,

I began to wonder

Why is life such a bitch

My anxiety and depression are at war with each other

Making it hard for me to breathe

One moment I care too much

Next moment I don’t care at all

As if though I could lose it and kill myself tonight

And not have a care in the world

But with everything else in the world

I care too much

I care too much about what people think

I care too much about how I dress

I care too much about friends and family.

This constant war between caring too much and not at all is tiring me down

It’s making me weak to my knees

Making it hard for me to breathe

I can’t stand not being able to pick a side.

As I sip on my Red Bull and take a hit of the cigarette

I sit and wonder

Why must life be so hard?”

- Redbull and Cigarettes // My Writing🌸

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

Dear You, Isn’t it ironic? How we swore we will never hurt the ones we love But at the end of the day everyone will hurt you You just have to pick the ones who’s worth suffering for. Just like everyone else you left I just wish I knew you were just going to leave Because then I would prepare myself for the goodbye. But then again what do I expect from someone who I didn’t even know. But somehow I felt like we had a deep connection. Or maybe that was just all in my head. Maybe you were just another lesson that I was supposed to learn. But damn all these lessons that I’m supposed to learned in the last few months Have been torturing me I have been on thin ice I don’t really know how much of this I can take. From all the people who have abandoned me To my family deliberately telling me I am a failure How is this supposed to help me? Please someone tell me How is telling me I am a fuck up Supposed to help me become a better person? How is abandoning me supposed to help me grow? All I have been feeling is like shit But that seems to be nothing new lately. All I do now is just fake a smile and have a cut wrist But lately it’s been harder to fake the smile And hide the cuts I just want to disappear And sleep forever. Dear You, I started smoking cigarettes again, I also started cutting again, I know you wouldn’t be happy about that But fuck it right? Do you know how your favorite artist is Eminem Do you remember that song by him called “Stan” Doesn’t this poem kind of remind you of it? It’s quite funny actually Because as I am writing this, I’m listening to this song. “Hey Slim I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive?” I think it’s funny how everything changes in the blink of an eye. I seriously feel like ending it tonight. Should I? I mean who is really gonna stop me. No one will because Once upon a time nobody gave a fuck. Yeah, I hope that you all feel guilty. ‘Cause I’m broken now and you can’t heal me And now you’re all an accomplice in murder each and every one of you has chipped in to kill me So the reason that I’m writing you this evening, is to say goodbye and to tell you that I’m leaving But don’t hold your breath 'cause I ain’t never coming back Sincerely, Your old friend.

Dear You // My Writing🌸

[myinnerthoughtsinwriting]

“Living with three disorders is a hell of a ride

One moment you think you understand your body thinking for one second that “hey maybe this isn’t as bad as it seems.”

then the next moment it hits you like a tornado

Everything around is falling apart,

“You have to lose weight.”

The doctors shout at me while poking me with needles

“You have to stop being so depressed”

The doctor says while handing me mood stabilizers.

Living with two mental and one physical disorder can take a toll on your body

Living with these thoughts that will eat you alive

While you sit there not wanting to eat at all

Because the food that you put in your body starts a war with itself.

Living with PCOS, Borderline personality and bipolar disorder is a living nightmare

One moment your body aches so much that you wish you could die

Then the next moment you’re sitting on your bath floor crying for help with a razor in your hand

Wishing these thoughts could just leave you alone for one second

Wishing and praying for a God that you don’t even know is there

Praying to him to make these thoughts stop

Praying to a God that will hear my prayers and that will relieve me from this pain.

This emptiness inside that I will forever have

This grieving heart that has been broken too many times

Relieve me from this pain that I never wished to have

I never wished for any of this

Yet somehow

I was cursed with these three disorders

Until death do us apart.”

- Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, and PCOS // My Writing🌸